Feeling unworthy

[d2darow]

Hey there... I'm currently having issues trying to trust my girlfriend. I'm 21 this year, and she's a year younger. We met in college and have been together for 8 months now. She comes from a very controlled r'ship... her ex used to question her about every guy she talks to, won't let her go out etc..

I come from quite a similar relationship. My ex wouldn't even let me go out with my male friends... I'm the type who wouldn't even give a second glance to other girls (my friends say i'm not normal...), and I treasure and value my relationships very much. For instance, on our anniversary (monthly) I never fail to write my gf a letter apart from getting her something or simply making the day memorable. That was the case with my ex's, and even my current one.

Anyway, the reason my ex and I broke off, was because she cheated on me. She betrayed my trust, when I gave her my all.. As you can guess, it's still haunting me till now.. After my ex, I gave up trusting anyone and was single for a year plus.. till I met my current partner.

I decided to take the risk once more and get into a relationship...

She's the type who flirts with guys, and it makes me uncomfortable. She sits on their laps, teases them (verbally) and such... I talked to her about it and she actually understood and stopped all that.

However, I still have the tendency to check her phone, and her emails after she changed... Deep inside, i was still insecure. And one time, upon checking her chat history.. I found out she had chatted with her ex, and told him she missed him alot etc. It stung real bad, and just proved my belief that she was indeed hiding things from me...

 

Since then, whenever she receives a call or a text message, questions like "Who" and "Why?" would be raised by me. She has this close friend of hers who constantly calls her and asks her out and I'm deeply uneasy about that. Main reason being he was one of her ex's... and before me and her got together (after she broke up with her ex) this close friend of hers and her went out... And I found this pictures of them locking lips and being all close... Maybe I have no right to be upset because I was not with her back then... But it still bugs me.. So each time this guy texts her... I don't like it.. He calls her "princess", and sends her sweet messages... She doesn't respond in the same way, but she doesn't tell him off neither.

When I talked to her about it, she said he's just a VERY close friend whom she loves very much...

ouch..

 

My ex also had a "close" friend.. whom in the end (after we broke up) tried to take advantage of her after a clubbing session. More reason for me not to trust guys... I know how guys can be, being one myself. So there is this constant lingering fear that she might cheat on me...

 

She eventually got sick of me checking her emails and sms's, and told me to stop. Now, each time I hear her phone ring my heart pounds faster and I start getting paranoid.. She has kept stuff from me once, what guarantee is there she won't do it again?

 

I love her with all my heart, and I'm 110% committed to this relationship... there's nothing I wouldn't do.. Other girls don't mean jack to me.. Only she does.. Yet for our relationship to grow, I must overcome this one obstacle that haunts me..

 

Trust... Getting rid of my insecurities, paranoia, fears...

 

Please do help

[Cobra_X30]

I decided to take the risk once more and get into a relationship...

She's the type who flirts with guys, and it makes me uncomfortable. She sits on their laps, teases them (verbally) and such... I talked to her about it and she actually understood and stopped all that.

 

You should not have had to ask her to stop! She should have realized that this is completely disrespectful behavior.

 

Your GF sounds like an attention whore. Even worse she looks to other men for that attention.

 

So, what you must ask yourself is this. Does this relationship build you up... or break you down? Does she add to your self esteem more than she takes away? Does she value you? If so how much?

 

There are plenty of women out there who will not make you feel like you need to check up on them. Realize that sometimes this is your personal insecurity... but also there are many times when the woman is just selfish and trashy!

 

If our places were switched... I'd start looking for someone else. Shoot it kinda sounds like she has a head start on you in that department.

[Grimreaper]

Once a big time flirt always a big time flirt, I wouldnt trust her if I were you.. If shes hid stuff from you chances are she will do it again..

 

But Then again sit down and talk to her about it, ask her face on about whats going on and tell her that you dont like it when she flirts with her ex and other men plain and simple .. Ask her to stop doing it.

ASk how much this friend means to her, does it mean more to her than you?

 

I can totally understand what you are going through. I went through the same,..

Its a bit long if you got the time and want to know here is what happened to me

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t142623/

[Florida]

Why do these types of girls always get the ultra committed I love her 110% die for her want only her type of guy?

 

Her in the meantime, she SITS on guys laps (pukes), flirts with other guys... someone please explain this to me. I live in backwards world.

 

This fall a friend of my BF's is getting married to the attention whore who was hitting on my BF in front of her man.

 

And I have single friends who honor fidelity and loyalty, very pretty, they can't find a guy who treats them 1/2 as well as these skanks can find.

 

What the HEL* is going on??

 

Can someone explain this to me??

[Cobra_X30]

Why do these types of girls always get the ultra committed I love her 110% die for her want only her type of guy?

 

Ask yourself this. Does this kind of girl find these guys or make them?

[Florida]

Ask yourself this. Does this kind of girl find these guys or make them?

 

That's too enigmatic an answer for me to understand, can you elaborate more?? I'm curious what you mean. Are you saying by being that way she inspires him to be committed?

 

So, I'm basically a dumbass and should be more like her, because that is the only way a guy feels deeply...??

[Cobra_X30]

That's too enigmatic an answer for me to understand, can you elaborate more?? I'm curious what you mean. Are you saying by being that way she inspires him to be committed?

 

So, I'm basically a dumbass and should be more like her, because that is the only way a guy feels deeply...??

 

I've had a GF like that... who flirts with every guy in the room. Not as bad as OP's GF who is sitting on guys laps or anything... but It was pretty bad.

 

I found myself reacting by working harder to keep her interest in me. It made me focus on her. I quickly realized that the harder I worked to be the perfect BF, the more attention she seemed to need from other guys. So after reflecting on my own actions, I changed tactics and started doing my own thing. When at parties she would flirt with some other guys... I would go flirt with other girls. Then she starts to get jealous and pick fights about it. Too late though. I lost interest and dumped her. She was mad and basically said she didnt care. 3 days later of NC, and she started 20 txts a day, and 5 phonecalls.

 

I learned that even with someone like me, jealousy can have a strong effect on a man. I'm not really even the jealous type.

 

So, yeah I'd say that part of how he feels is a reaction to how she treats him. However, I do not think that is sustainable with any man who has a decent amount of self esteem.

[d2darow]

Firstly, thank you all so much for replying. Now I don't feel so alone and I realize that many other people out there too are facing such dilemmas.

 

Cobra,

I must admit that I too feel my partner is an attention whore... At parties she always has to stand out... Dirty dancing with her friends. (female, thank God), and there was this one instance, on New Year's Eve at my friend's house party, she started making out with this other girl infront of me and well every guy who was there. Being guys they got all excited, some even took videos... she was there french kissing this girl in front of me.... Then started dirty dancing with her in the rain outside by the pool..

 

Tell me, am I being too old-fashioned by having a problem with all of this? Should I just reason with myself like I always do and say "Oh, she's young and this is her definition of fun"...

 

I'm not going to give up on this relationship without a fight, and plainly, I always question myself what guarantee is there that other girls aren't the same? Or worst?

I'm an old fashioned guy, I can spend 24/7 with her and not get sick of it, I appreciate quality time spent together, and doing stuff for her. Maybe girls her generation crave for attention, to be the highlight of any party...

 

Grim reaper,

I just talked to her last night, as usual she broke down in tears and said it didn't mean anything and that she was sorry if it made me feel uncomfortable.

Thing bout her is, she has a very big ego and she hates being told what to or not to do... she hates being wrong.

Everyday I pray for the strength to be able to be understanding, patient and cool about how she is...

 

Am I being naive and childish for gettin upset over the things she does?

 

Gettin back at her was an option I considered... not for revenge but just to make her realize and see things from my point of view.

So yesterday I went out with this female friend of mine, and she was with her other 2 girlfriends. All of them are models. The moment i told my girl I was going out, her replies were "Ok. have fun"... and I knew she was affected.

Later on that day, she retaliated by saying her friend asked her out, and so did this other guy, and brought up stuff about her ex and I laughed inside. It was so cute how she was trying to act "macho" and try to reverse the jealousy back to me. Didn't work.

Last night, after kissing her and bidding her goodnight as I always do, I whispered into her ears saying "I hope things will get back as how they used to be"...

Edited February 1, 2008 by d2darow

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra,

I must admit that I too feel my partner is an attention whore... At parties she always has to stand out... Dirty dancing with her friends. (female, thank God), and there was this one instance, on New Year's Eve at my friend's house party, she started making out with this other girl infront of me and well every guy who was there. Being guys they got all excited, some even took videos... she was there french kissing this girl in front of me.... Then started dirty dancing with her in the rain outside by the pool..

 

Gettin back at her was an option I considered... not for revenge but just to make her realize and see things from my point of view.

So yesterday I went out with this female friend of mine, and she was with her other 2 girlfriends. All of them are models. The moment i told my girl I was going out, her replies were "Ok. have fun"... and I knew she was affected.

Later on that day, she retaliated by saying her friend asked her out, and so did this other guy, and brought up stuff about her ex and I laughed inside. It was so cute how she was trying to act "macho" and try to reverse the jealousy back to me. Didn't work.

Last night, after kissing her and bidding her goodnight as I always do, I whispered into her ears saying "I hope things will get back as how they used to be"...

 

Dude... the more you talk about this girl the worse she sounds.

 

So, how much are you going to put up with? She makes out with other girls... that should bother you more than it actually does! Would it bother you if she was openly bisexual? Because personally I would consider that cheating to a certain degree.

 

When she gets jealous she responds by trying to make you jealous! Really, she has been out of high school for two years she needs to start acting like it.

 

Your last GF cheated on you. This one is really immature, and I'd say high risk for that too. You need to sit back and consider what kind of girls you are attracted to.

 

I'm not going to say dump this girl just because that's what I would do. But really you need to sit down and have a mature talk with her about this. Whispering in her ear should work well, and be romantic to more balanced and secure females, but I don't that is the correct approach in this situation.

 

She isn't mature enough at this point to draw correct conclusions from your actions. If you make her jealous... she will not automatically understand how you feel in that situation. You need to sit her down and hammer that into her brain. If she still doesn't get it... then you may want to reconsider her as a GF, due to her unyielding selfishness.

 

Seriously... I went through all the same stuff! I had the same feelings and fears. So, here is what I have learned.

 

1. When someone who is committed to me shows active interest in someone else... that is disrespectful. It's not my insecurity.

 

2. Never fear that the next girl will be the same or worse. In my experience the opposite is true.

 

3. Do not get into a power struggle within a relationship. I mean this in a broad way. In your specific case if your trying to make each other jealous... it will eventually kill your love for each other. Also if she actively tries to make you jealous... she is trying to take away your power. It's a manipulation.

 

Hope that helps!

[dreamergrl]

That's too enigmatic an answer for me to understand, can you elaborate more?? I'm curious what you mean. Are you saying by being that way she inspires him to be committed?

 

So, I'm basically a dumbass and should be more like her, because that is the only way a guy feels deeply...??

 

I'm wondering the same thing...

 

Anyways..

My ex is an attention whore. He loved showing attention to beautiful girls.. made me feel less then what I was. I asked for some consideration on it.. but got told to deal with it. Then I remember the day he thought I was hiding something.. when I wasn't at all. Oh boy did he make sh*t hit the fan. I think it boils down to "wanting what you can't have" - because no matter now much I knew it was crap that he found it okay to behave like that, I still ended up wanting him.

[d2darow]

So, how much are you going to put up with?

 

I don't know mate... I really want to believe that she will change her ways and things will work out between us... I pray for the happiness of our relationship every single night... But if it does happen again, then I know what to do.

 

Your last GF cheated on you. This one is really immature, and I'd say high risk for that too. You need to sit back and consider what kind of girls you are attracted to.

 

That's the thing, I'm a forgiving and optimistic person by nature. I always believe that I can win her over, make her change (not for me, for her own betterment) and make her love me unconditionally..

 

Hope that helps!

 

I don't know what I'd do without all of your help.. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Edited February 2, 2008 by d2darow

[KenzieAbsolutely]

. More reason for me not to trust guys... I know how guys can be, being one myself. So there is this constant lingering fear that she might cheat on me...

 

 

so, that means you can't be trusted, either?

 

in any case, the guys in question don't help, but that's not the real problem. if you trusted her, the other guys wouldn't matter so much.

[d2darow]

Kenzie,

 

Nah, I meant I hang out with me guy pals, and although some may be in r'ships, I knw how they are, willin to betray their partner's trust just for some fun etc..

 

HOw am i supposed to trust her after what she's done?

 

Cad Rake,

 

Rather harsh? I need professional help? Why so? What I'm facing seems to be a rather common prob everyone else has. I feel voicing out my prob and listening to other ppl's opinions really helps..

Edited February 3, 2008 by d2darow

[d2darow]

Uhm... yesh and I definitely love being with girls who treat me poorly. Seriously... Screw the professional help, I'm good without it. Imma see where things go, and if she does continue, it's over. Not worth my time.

[Cobra_X30]

Great, that's my opinion: get professional help. If you go back time and again to a girl who treats you poorly, then you should probably be analyzing that behavior with a psychologist, not with a bunch of shmoes on the internet.

 

Cad,

I think that it may be time to just come out and admit that your worthless at constructive criticism.

 

Like this guy needs Dr. Phil anyway!

 

Uhm... yesh and I definitely love being with girls who treat me poorly. Seriously... Screw the professional help, I'm good without it. Imma see where things go, and if she does continue, it's over. Not worth my time.

 

Exactly the attitude you should have! You need to be firm and have a low tolerance for this. She may start to see you as controlling, but you need to ALWAYS bring it back to her lack of respect for you and the relationship!

 

The problem is that she may change... but only while your watching. So make sure you keep your ear to the ground on this one!

[d2darow]

Thanks Cobra, your advice always helps.

 

I've put the past behind me and started fresh with her. We've been having a blast these past few days and I've decided I'm not going to go as low as her and start flirting, etc cause that's simply not who I am and I don't want her to remember me like that.

I'll continue being myself, I'll do what I do, make the upcoming Valentine's Day a blast, be mature, easy-going, and yet if things go out of hand, if even after treating her like a Queen she continues, I'll move on. At least I know, that I was a great partner and she simply wasn't ready for commitment.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be a door mat. I'm being me, I love doing stuff for her, a romantic at heart... But I do have my limits and if she pushes it, we're done.

Edited February 6, 2008 by d2darow