When you know nothing

[eeyore1980]

I've been married 23 years. My husband and I have had lots of problems over all the years, his main problem being not getting enough sex, and my main problems being feeling unloved and uncared about, and way down on his list of priorities.

We were fighting a lot towards the end of 2006. Then I had some family crisis things going on, (my brother had a massive heart attack, and ended up having to have a heart transplant.) I had to be out of town for a week and a half in January, 2007, 2 and a half weeks in February and the first part of March. I also took a 16 day trip out of the country with my daughter the first part of July, 2007.

In August, 2007, my husband said he was going to find another place to live. About a week later he said there was no place around to move into, and I started crying, and told him I didn't want to hear about it until he found something and needed help moving, or whatever.

This got placed on the back burner until September, when he wrote me a letter saying again he wanted a divorce and he wanted to keep the house. He just handed it to me with a smile on his face and left the house. I was in shock, and the letter was tacky. I called an attorney. I told him I wasn't letting him have the house. At this point, I started to suspect there was someone else, but it didn't even occur to me to check it out. He found a house and said he was moving out on October 1. I started sleeping with him, as he had moved into another bedroom over a year previously. I was so lonely, and I wanted to be with him until he left, so I wouldn't grab the first guy who came along out of desperation. Then, the evening of Sept. 18, I was talking to him about being able to work together (we own a small business and we both work there) and I was attempting to say when he started seeing someone else it would be very hard on me. I started my sentence, "I don't know if you are seeing anyone.." when he interrupted me with a frantic, "She's just a friend!" I felt like someone had hit me in the stomach. I was very upset, and we got into it, and apparently after I left he called OW to tell her I had found out.

From what I have been able to piece together, this started in Nov. 2006. She works at the pharmacy in the very small town we live in, and I thought he was being nice volunteering for all that time to go pick up everyone's prescriptions. The first day I know they had contact by cell phone was Nov. 11, when she called to tell him something about our daughter, (which is actually most of what we had been fighting about at that time.) I just saw last night where he went to the pharmacy on Nov. 7, 2006. He told me about the two calls, then later that same day had 3 more calls and 2 texts with her that he did behind my back. The following day, there were 23 texts back and forth. All together over the 10 months, there were approximately 1450 instances of contact on his phone bills. On Valentine's Day, there were 4 calls, 3 him to her, the last her to him. Also 4 texts, the first 3 started by him at 8:02am, and the final one from him at 10:09pm. He was in contact with her during all my trips, even going so far as to call her AS SOON as he dropped me off at the airport to fly out to be at my brother's side.

First he lied to me about the whole ten months, and even though she is single, this was kept a secret from her friends, also. My paper bills didn't itemize calls, just texts. I asked him how many calls there were, and he said just a few. I got online, and found the calls itemized, and it is more like a few hundred or so. I asked him if they had emailed each other, he said no. He was out of town at the time, so he called in a friend that works with us to go into his email account and delete her address. I found it later in the trash can. Now he says they only emailed a few times, and it consisted of her forwarding him some cute puppies or something. All emails have been deleted, and her email addy being in the trash knocks out any chance of finding out how long that had been going on. He claims it was about August, and it was only a few. (Sound familiar?) He said some things in counseling that didn't fit with what I knew, and after a grueling 2+ hours of him denying everything, he finally admitted he emailed her after he promised me no more contact, and she emailed him back, then he deleted them. Why did he lie? He thought I would never find out.

He has maintained they were nothing more than innocent friends. She isn't 1000 miles away, she is more like 5.

I have no access to the emails, he deleted them all. His computer history was set at 0, but he claims he didn't do that, one of the kids must have. He was deleting his temporary internet files on a weekly basis, he claims because he thought it would make his computer run faster. He deleted all the emails, and emptied the trash can, but claims it was to make his computer run faster. (Yahoo email.) He deleted all his texts on a very regular basis, he claims it is just something he has always done. He used to have a phone that didn't get good reception in the house, but then he got a new phone, yet kept claiming he had to step outside because his reception was bad. That is a lie. It took him some time to honestly answer my question of didn't he think he lied to me when she called, if I asked who it was.

He still claims this was nothing more than a friendship.

We are attempting to put our marriage back together, but I am having a hard time believing anything he says. I know it was more than a friendship, and as of last night I have come to believe it was also sexual. He's sticking to his story, just a friendship.

I have tried everything I can think of to get access to the actual texts, but no luck. I have tried to recover the deleted emails, but no luck. When I spoke to her, she was very haughty and self-righteous, she told me I had no right to be upset, and she was a good Christian and held marriage vows very sacredly. (Yeah, that explains her sneaking around with a married man behind his wife's back for 10 months.) I had asked about her the morning I found out, and the people I asked, "Do you know this woman?" all told me the same story, "She's the one who had an affair with the married pharmicist, and her husband found out, and divorced her." My husband swears he is telling me the truth, but he has already lied to me not only several times over this affair, but most of our marriage he has lied to me to cover his butt.

We have been trying to talk about this, and work things out, but what the hell is it I am trying to work past? I don't buy the friendship story, so I believe he is still lying to me, and now he is angry at me because I had the nerve to accuse him of having a sexual relationship with her as well as an emotional relationship with her.

So what do I do? I have read tons of posts from people in this situation, but it seems the glaring difference is these people actually read texts, or emails, and have at least a general idea of how far it went. I have nothing to go on but the extent of the contact, and his reactions, and constant coverup. If it was just a friendship, I feel things would have been handled differently, not keep hiding and lying about the relationship. It has been almost 5 months, and I am still in the dark about what went on.

Please help me, I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Thanks.

[Elilmomma]

I can relate to what you are going through, I don't know what's worse the knowing or not knowing. My hubby had an affair and I caught him, but I still feel like I don't know everything. I don't think you'll be able to get past it until you know the truth which unfortunately you'll probally never get the answers from him. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt anymore than he already has, but you deserve to know the truth, I think you already know but don't really want to believe it.. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find some peace so you can move on. But remember you are not alone I am going through the same turmoil and so are many others.....

[Cobra_X30]

I've been married 23 years. My husband and I have had lots of problems over all the years, his main problem being not getting enough sex, and my main problems being feeling unloved and uncared about, and way down on his list of priorities.

 

I had asked about her the morning I found out, and the people I asked, "Do you know this woman?" all told me the same story, "She's the one who had an affair with the married pharmicist, and her husband found out, and divorced her." My husband swears he is telling me the truth, but he has already lied to me not only several times over this affair, but most of our marriage he has lied to me to cover his butt.

 

Your marriage had problems... they failed to get worked out. Your H moved on to another woman. Not much of one... but that doesnt matter.

 

I'd say, let him go. He isnt worth fighting for and it kinda sounds like these two deserve each other.

 

BTW... I'd bet money it was a full on physical relationship. However, does it really matter? It sounds like you two have not really liked each other for some time now.

 

Best to let him go.

[eeyore1980]

I can relate to what you are going through, I don't know what's worse the knowing or not knowing. My hubby had an affair and I caught him, but I still feel like I don't know everything. I don't think you'll be able to get past it until you know the truth which unfortunately you'll probally never get the answers from him. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt anymore than he already has, but you deserve to know the truth, I think you already know but don't really want to believe it.. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find some peace so you can move on. But remember you are not alone I am going through the same turmoil and so are many others.....

 

That's just it, I don't know the truth. I know nothing. I have a lot of suspicions, but all I have are phone bills showing calls and texts. No actual texts, no emails left undeleted...

You say you caught your hubby having an affair. If you don't mind answering, how did you catch him, and what did you catch him at?

I only found out when I did because my husband thought I already knew, and panicked.

[eeyore1980]

Your marriage had problems... they failed to get worked out. Your H moved on to another woman. Not much of one... but that doesnt matter.

 

I'd say, let him go. He isnt worth fighting for and it kinda sounds like these two deserve each other.

 

BTW... I'd bet money it was a full on physical relationship. However, does it really matter? It sounds like you two have not really liked each other for some time now.

 

Best to let him go.

 

I wish it were so easy. As far as deserving each other, if only you knew. I can't touch on this anymore right now, as I am too angry, but I will try to respond better later.

[Elilmomma]

No I don't mind.. first she called my house and left a message for him, then he disapperad one night while I was asleep soI heard him leave and I checked the phone to see the last number dialed and it was hers.then I checked his cell phone records then I checked the house phone records and saw that he was calling her all the time and I called her but she wouldn't answer. then I confronted him about it and he admitted to it so I gave him an ultimatum either me and our two girls or her and he said he already ended it with her,and that he chose me. Now it's been like 3 weeks and I am still wondering if it's truely over cause she met him while he was working and he works nights, so how do I know she's not still going to his job.. but all I did was check all the phone records and put two and two together, at least he admitted to it though... now I am living a personal hell and it's driving me crazy.. I do feel your pain if you need a shoulder I am here..... good luck

[cj1988]

Oh honey I went throug the SAME thing and he still swears he is innocent and it has been over a year. So, you will never get the answers you are looking for......he is a liar and she is a tramp. Let me tell you something, if you were not as sexual as he wanted ( I was not either) then WHY or what could another woman give him, sex.....they are so shallow and so stupid and instead of just leaving and having A LOT OF meaningless sex,they stay and cheat.......I will never get it !

[BetrayedMM]

You have already found the truth.

 

In my case. there were also thousands of text messages, hundreds of phone calls, and they were "just friends". She was also amazingly defensive when confronted. She also made it a point to contact the creature she was consorting with the very moment I was not in her presence. And, before I had discovered any of this, my gut was screaming at me, just like yours is right now.

 

I went on to gather MUCH more evidence- some I had to dig and dig to get, some just up and fell in my lap.

 

She continued lying and lying, would swear on her grandma's grave, look me straight in the eye and lie, lie lie lie. Telling her I KNEW she was lying had no affect.

 

When I no longer needed her, and she KNEW it, she confessed. It was exactly what I had been most worried about, the very situation I had dreaded the most. In other words I already knew anyway, things even all the proof had not told me. I KNEW.

 

My point is, you do NOT know 'nothing'. You already know EVERYTHING, now he wants you to prove it. If he forces you to do this, his cowardly ways will be absolutely no match for your determination to 'win", and in the end he will be left whimpering in the corner. It will be a long battle though.

 

You know you are right. You are sane. You are worthwhile, desirable, and needed. It may seem he is holding all the cards, you will take them away from him one at a time. The cards are yours, and you shall have them.

[Nomad1]

He has clearly cheated on you, emotionally and physically. Will you be able to ever trust him again. If you kick him out and have nothing to do with him, he will come back begging and pleading. Tell him to go to his phrmacist. You are better off on your own rather than with a liar and a cheat. He has no respect for you and your daughters. If he valued the relationship, he would have not done what he has done.

 

I know it is hard and that you probably love him. Does he truly love you. I doubt it. Why should you love someone who does not reciprocate your sentiment? Dump him!

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[eeyore1980]

now I am living a personal hell and it's driving me crazy.. I do feel your pain if you need a shoulder I am here..... good luck

 

Thank you so much. I do feel so alone in all this, and I hope you are sincere in your offer, because I do feel I am going to need a shoulder to get through this, no matter which way it goes.

[cj1988]

They are right, GET OUT NOW. I have been in limbo NOT KNOWING for over a year now when my gut is telling me everything. I have been upset the whole time and I am not getting past it because I have chosen to leave him and NOT listen to all his lies anymore. You and I are better than that....

Let me guess, you lie awake all night worried, upset playing over in your head a million times while he snores away? Yes, because it does NOT bother them, they can cheat and lie and WE pay the price......they do not care because they think by the lies they have nothing to worry about....they get over it and act as if nothing happened and expect you to do the same, well it does not work like that ! I could not get past it and believe him NO matter how hard I tried BECAUSE I know in my heart he cheated and so does he....so the price he will pay in the LONG run will be losing me and his guilt when I never come back again and I am no longer HIS....that will be the kicker! I tried everything to get him to be nice and fix the marriage, then I realized...WHY I am doing this? He is the idiot and needs to pay for what he has done one way or another! One day he will come and tell me he is sorry, BUT will never tell me WHY ! He is a piece of crap !

[BetrayedMM]

I never read the texts. You don't need them. He has already proven the content.

 

This place can be of enormous help, and some of the fine folks here. In the end, the peace of mind you seek will come from inside you, and all you have to do is allow it.

 

Educate yourself, if only to confirm your own sanity. Google signs of cheating. Devour the information that is available.

 

Do not let him gaslight you further-(wiki gaslighting, you'll see what I mean). That is step1- stop the gaslighting.

 

You will get through this. Hang in there.

 

We are here.

[cj1988]

Do not waste time like me thinking that you will get over it, you will not.....at least most do not.....if you act as if you cannot take it because he will not confess, he may actually tell you...then what? You will leave him anyway. The damage and proof is done ! I hate that my M is over and wish it all was a bad dream, but it is not, it is real and happening as we speak......do what is good for your sanity, I am, no other choice at this point !

[eeyore1980]

You have already found the truth.

 

In my case. there were also thousands of text messages, hundreds of phone calls, and they were "just friends". She was also amazingly defensive when confronted. She also made it a point to contact the creature she was consorting with the very moment I was not in her presence. And, before I had discovered any of this, my gut was screaming at me, just like yours is right now.

 

I went on to gather MUCH more evidence- some I had to dig and dig to get, some just up and fell in my lap.

 

She continued lying and lying, would swear on her grandma's grave, look me straight in the eye and lie, lie lie lie. Telling her I KNEW she was lying had no affect.

 

When I no longer needed her, and she KNEW it, she confessed. It was exactly what I had been most worried about, the very situation I had dreaded the most. In other words I already knew anyway, things even all the proof had not told me. I KNEW.

 

My point is, you do NOT know 'nothing'. You already know EVERYTHING, now he wants you to prove it. If he forces you to do this, his cowardly ways will be absolutely no match for your determination to 'win", and in the end he will be left whimpering in the corner. It will be a long battle though.

 

You know you are right. You are sane. You are worthwhile, desirable, and needed. It may seem he is holding all the cards, you will take them away from him one at a time. The cards are yours, and you shall have them.

This is it exactly. He claims he understands, but I don't think he does. But I understand. He has pushed me very far in the past to not caring anymore, and I see with 100% clarity this continuing on like it is will push me there again. I can see the future with our kids big events, weddings, births, graduations, holidays, etc., and the difference between us together and us apart. We have a business, and if I walk, I will effectively have put 8 people out of a job. That weighs on me a lot. But all of that is only going to carry me so far. As far as taking the cards one at a time from him, I don't know if for me it is worth it. He could be honest and get this done. Were the situation reversed, and funny, considering how I more than fit the criteria for this situation to be reversed considering the excuses I have read and the ones he has given me, I had way more 'excuse' to do this to him than he did to me, and had many opportunities to do this to him, but never followed up on them, but had I ever done this, and got 'found out', I would have told him everything. I am still looking, but my interest is waning. He claims he wants to work this out, and has been putting a lot of effort into trying to make this work, but his continuing to lie to me puts the lie to everything else. I do love him still, but like everything else, I am at a point in my life where that is only going to carry me so far, and I told him last night I don't think I even want to discuss this with him anymore, because I know he is lying to me and only tossing a crumb my way here and there to keep me going on. I find this very selfish of him, as usual, and after 23 years, my ability to tolerate this on account of all the others that will be affected in a negative way is wearing thin.

[eeyore1980]

Do not waste time like me thinking that you will get over it, you will not.....at least most do not.....if you act as if you cannot take it because he will not confess, he may actually tell you...then what? You will leave him anyway. The damage and proof is done ! I hate that my M is over and wish it all was a bad dream, but it is not, it is real and happening as we speak......do what is good for your sanity, I am, no other choice at this point !

 

I thought about this a lot, at the beginning, of whether I could get over this, no matter how bad. I can't promise 100%, but I could promise to try my best to put it behind me, no matter what.

What I didn't anticipate, and that is on me, given our history, is how he would continue to lie and lie and lie.

Worse case scenario, had I walked in on them having sex, or found love notes passed back and forth, at least I would KNOW what it was I was trying to get over. I do know he is still lying, and he is denying he is still lying, and that for me is harder to put up with than all the rest of it. While I can't and don't condone him having an affair, I can at least understand how he could justify it in his own mind at the time it was going on. But for him to evade, and beat around the bush, and manipulate the conversations we try to have over this, knowing the hell I am in, just to cover his own butt for whatever reason, is something I will never begin to understand at all. He may have been able to kid himself while it was going on I would never find out and never get hurt, but I have found out, and I have been hurt, I hurt every single day this goes on, and he does it anyway. That is a big difference to me.

As far as if he confesses, I may not leave, because even as bad or not bad as it may be, his confession would go a long way to proving he is willing to now put me first, and risk the cost of what happens to him. The message he is sending me right now is the cost to me is not as important to him as protecting himself and his interests. What a surprise.

Edited February 1, 2008 by eeyore1980
to add

[eeyore1980]

You have already found the truth.

 

She continued lying and lying, would swear on her grandma's grave, look me straight in the eye and lie, lie lie lie. Telling her I KNEW she was lying had no affect.

 

When I no longer needed her, and she KNEW it, she confessed. It was exactly what I had been most worried about, the very situation I had dreaded the most. In other words I already knew anyway, things even all the proof had not told me. I KNEW.

 

If you don't mind sharing, after she confessed, what did you do? Did you leave her, or did you stay and try to work it out?

I feel like I am asking nosy questions, and I am sorry. I am so torn right now and thank you all for making me feel I don't have to explain it, I know you have all been here, too.

[eeyore1980]

Let me guess, you lie awake all night worried, upset playing over in your head a million times while he snores away?

 

Thank you! You are right, he sleeps away, I take pills, I started smoking again after having quit for a year and a half, and he just lays there and snores.

[norajane]

You don't need to know what was said in all those texts, emails, phone calls. It is enough to know they did all that constant communication.

 

He is claiming friendship only? Well, I'm sure he has other friends. How often does he call, text, and email them? Hmmm?

 

Sorry, but no man spends all day texting a woman on Valentine's Day if she is only a 'friend'.

 

YOU KNOW what he's been doing. Now you only need to decide whether you can live with a lying cheater who will not even respect you enough to tell your the truth since he's been caught, or whether it's time to kick him to the curb where he belongs.

[cj1988]

I thought about this a lot, at the beginning, of whether I could get over this, no matter how bad. I can't promise 100%, but I could promise to try my best to put it behind me, no matter what.

What I didn't anticipate, and that is on me, given our history, is how he would continue to lie and lie and lie.

Worse case scenario, had I walked in on them having sex, or found love notes passed back and forth, at least I would KNOW what it was I was trying to get over. I do know he is still lying, and he is denying he is still lying, and that for me is harder to put up with than all the rest of it. While I can't and don't condone him having an affair, I can at least understand how he could justify it in his own mind at the time it was going on. But for him to evade, and beat around the bush, and manipulate the conversations we try to have over this, knowing the hell I am in, just to cover his own butt for whatever reason, is something I will never begin to understand at all. He may have been able to kid himself while it was going on I would never find out and never get hurt, but I have found out, and I have been hurt, I hurt every single day this goes on, and he does it anyway. That is a big difference to me.

As far as if he confesses, I may not leave, because even as bad or not bad as it may be, his confession would go a long way to proving he is willing to now put me first, and risk the cost of what happens to him. The message he is sending me right now is the cost to me is not as important to him as protecting himself and his interests. What a surprise.

 

That is what bothered me the most.....it ate my up inside is that he KNOWS he is wrong and did not care what it did to me, he covered for him and HER. He cared more that she did not go through hell instead of me, again I was second, never first since the EA. I cannot feel I won by default and that is exactly what happened. If he could in any way be with her, he would have left me for her....so you see all situations are different. My H has become very distant and un emotional over the last year and 1/2 and it is not because of her, it is by his own choice ! So, I am leaving for a better life !

[eeyore1980]

How do you people stand this? I was logged in, I poured my heart out in a post, and then it said I couldn't do that, I wasn't logged in. I tried to copy it, it wouldn't let me, and so I refresh and relogin, and my post is gone.

[cj1988]

Read what NoraJane wrote to you and it will make perfect sense. I was like you and drilled my brain daily wondering what REALLY happened and how and why etc......even at this point say they are innocent, my H and yours as far as a PA, they are still GUILTY of betraying us by hiding and having a seperate life with another woman in any way shape or form. THen to top it off, when caught (enough proof to say a WRONG was done to us) they still GASLIGHT us into thinking we are crazy, insecure and or jelaous. HOW would your H feel if YOU were texting, talking, e-mailing another man and you said "we are just friends" he would not believe you either....because you hid it and he had no clue.

 

If you cannot say or do something in front or with your spouse and feel the need to hide it, you are WRONG ! There is no way he would have payed taht much attention to her if it were not at least an EA if not a PA as well.....men are not that interested until you give them something to be interested in, do you know what I am saying?

[eeyore1980]

I will try this again, but it won't be the same. I wanted to share why I am still here in this marriage.

 

 

I started out wanting to believe he was telling me the truth, and that is where my efforts were going, to find stuff to back up his story. But I didn't, everything I found out made it look worse and worse. He continued having contact with her. He wouldn't talk to her in front of me, but he made sure I knew he was still in contact with her. I told a friend when I found out what happened. She worked with friends of OW, and said something to them, and they were as shocked as I was, they knew nothing about it. OW then called husband crying because "his wife had spread all over this factory she was having an affair with him, boo hoo" and he even tried to jump me out over it, but I wasn't having any of it. I said I didn't spread it there, but I would, and as far as I was concerned, I didn't care if the entire state knew about it. 3 days after I found out, he said he wasn't going to have any more contact with her anymore, and he even promised. Then I was literally on my attorney's doorstep, reaching out to open the door, and my husband called. He told me he didn't want a divorce, and he couldn't stop me from pursuing one, but he just wanted me to know he was giving up his house, even if he lost the deposit.

I talked to my attorney, and he gave me marital advice. He said if I felt in my heart there was any shot at all to make this marriage work, I should take it. When I asked him if I should proceed with getting papers together, etc. he asked me if I did that, would I really feel like I was giving it 100%? He then assured me if things didn't work out, he would still be there, and we could pick up where we left off.

My husband broke his NC promise to me and emailed her, and she emailed him back. He says it was for closure, and he said he told her his marriage was more important, etc. and hers said she understood, but only the two of them know what was in those emails, since he deleted them, because he says he thought I would never find out.

 

He seems to be trying very hard to be a loving husband now. Other than the secret 'closure' emails they shared behind my back after his promise of no more contact, and the private calls he was getting on his phone, where she would hang up, and I told him it was her, so one day he decided to answer the phone in my absence, 'to prove me wrong' and it was her, duh, and he claims he told her he didn't want to talk to her anymore, I don't think there has been any more contact. I believe he truly loves me, and really wants our marriage to work. He just can't get how his inability to be honest with me is going to be the thing that kills us.

Someone asked me what does it matter what happened. If I am going to have any chance of putting it behind me, I need to know what it is I am trying to get past. The fact that he is so unwilling to tell me, and has said on several occasions he is not going to admit to something he didn't do (and it is well established he is not going to admit to stuff he did do without proof in my hand) is a cop out. He has been very evasive and manipulative in our conversations, and really, it has been almost 5 months. IMO, he is only going to give me these tiny little crumbs here and there to keep me hanging in there, and manipulate what he does give me to put him in the best light possible. I am at the point of, this is not about you anymore, this is about me and what I need. If he truly wants the marriage he claims he does, then he needs to get over himself, come clean, and take his chances.

[BetrayedMM]

If you don't mind sharing, after she confessed, what did you do?

 

Click on my handle, read thru the 'she confessed' thread.

 

She is still here, and she is desperate. The change in my tone is because I realize that no matter what happens, I am currently in a win-win situation. I am out of reach, she can not hurt me. Tense? Yes, she is. Scared? Yes, she is. Lonely? Yes, she is. Sorry? You bet. Ashamed? I will never know how deep her shame runs, but it must be horrible. All of the groveling is pitiful to watch.

 

It is her problem. She is there, I am here. The distance is as huge as opposite ends of the universe.

 

And, that's about it. Currently, the situation is most certainly not resolved. I am right in the middle of it, but I know I'll be OK.

[cj1988]

Ok, I read your story and it is different than mine in a way. My H when I accused him of the A told me 2 weeks later he wanted a D. He could not be M to a woman that was insecure as I was and he was sick of it. He put me through hell and not speaking, watching me die for 5 months as he continued to call her......she started ignoring his calls and he finally stopped calling her this past September after they both showed sides they never have seen before......He has yet to be nice to me or get back to 1/2 of what we were before all this......

 

What I see is when your H said he needed closure......for what if they were just friends. If they were JUST friends, he should have got you two together and had a long talk to clear and prove to you there was nothing. Her reaction to it all and presistent calls tells me they are not just friends....just give it time....one day he will break IF YOU MAKE him and tell you all the gory details you may NOT want to hear !

[eeyore1980]

What I see is when your H said he needed closure......for what if they were just friends. If they were JUST friends, he should have got you two together and had a long talk to clear and prove to you there was nothing. Her reaction to it all and presistent calls tells me they are not just friends....just give it time....one day he will break IF YOU MAKE him and tell you all the gory details you may NOT want to hear !

 

Preaching to the choir here. This was exactly my point with him. Ok, I already knew about her, he had already claimed they were just friends, so what would have been wrong with, as he claims, he wanted to make sure she understood it was over, with letting me in on it? What would have been wrong with letting me read what he emailed her? And then to top it off, he sends this email to explain why it has to be over, finished, etc., and then she emails him back, he reads it, and destroys all evidence of it, too. Yeah, right.

As far as he will break if I make him, I don't know if he will or not, and I don't know that it is worth the effort. Having to break him for honesty which I deserve is not the same as him giving it willingly.

We have been through a lot in 23 years, and it is a lot to throw away, but on the other hand, I think 23 years is enough to put up with this kind of crap. This is make or break for me, and while I know I made it clear as a bell if I find out on my own something else, we are FINISHED, I don't know if I made it as clear to him that finding out something else does not include sharing with him what I found out, and/or giving him any opportunity to explain it away, because I don't want to hear it anymore. Nope, I find out something else, his clothes will be on the curb, and that will be it.