When you know nothing

[eeyore1980]

Click on my handle, read thru the 'she confessed' thread.

 

She is still here, and she is desperate. The change in my tone is because I realize that no matter what happens, I am currently in a win-win situation. I am out of reach, she can not hurt me. Tense? Yes, she is. Scared? Yes, she is. Lonely? Yes, she is. Sorry? You bet. Ashamed? I will never know how deep her shame runs, but it must be horrible. All of the groveling is pitiful to watch.

 

It is her problem. She is there, I am here. The distance is as huge as opposite ends of the universe.

 

And, that's about it. Currently, the situation is most certainly not resolved. I am right in the middle of it, but I know I'll be OK.

 

I read what I could of your thread. I am sorry for what you have gone through, and unfortunately I can see a similar road ahead of me if this goes on much longer.

This business we have was built by both of us, and it is going to be a mess to separate. Part of me wants to take him for everything, but most of me just wants, if we do part ways, to be fair and even. Again, that is the difference between him being capable of doing what he has to me, and me not ever having done this to him. I have too much empathy.

The best way I can see this working out is to try to keep the business and work together every day, and I don't know if I have the personality for that. I am a very passionate, emotional person, who is also very rational and logical, if that makes any sense. My logic tells me my passionate, emotional side would not be able to make this work, because I will have a lot of anger, because even if I am the one who makes the final decision to file for divorce, I will always blame the end of our marriage on him.

If I could have things the way I wanted, he would come to me right now and tell me how sorry he is, which he has told me he is sorry several times, and then proceed to TELL ME EXACTLY THE EXTENT OF HIS AFFAIR!!! I am sure I would be very hurt and angry, and I would probably storm out and cry my eyes out, but then I could begin to heal, and start making some sense of this, and probably even manage to work things out with him.

My reality is he will continue to stick to his story, no matter how ludicrous it is, until he kills every bit of caring and love I have for him, at which point, after a long time of all these horrible feelings I have, I will have to end the marriage, and I will be bitter and angry and miserable for a long time to come.

I will have these feeling because he will make sure to give everyone a story that makes him look like the wronged victim, and me some jealous shrew. My kids will probably blame me for the breakup, and things will be strained between us for years to come. He is the one who cheated, not me, but just like the aftermath of his cheating, I will be the one to suffer the majority of the negative things after our breakup.

Edited February 1, 2008 by eeyore1980
To add

[BetrayedMM]

That's the thing though. You get to the feeling you are no longer angry and miserable, you get to feeling good about yourself, then you let it go.

 

As soon as that happens, at least in my case, I get what I had needed, but too little, too late. I was so angry that she waited until I am divorcing her to start the healing process- heal what? Nothing left to heal. The sheer stupidity of what she has thrown away enraged me.

 

When the anger faded, I was and am more at peace than I have been in over a year.

 

So, yes, the truth helps, if only so you can have closure.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Do not let him gaslight you further-(wiki gaslighting, you'll see what I mean). That is step1- stop the gaslighting.

 

Gaslighting..... very interesting read on Wiki. Thanks!

[BetrayedMM]

Yep. This thread is about gaslighting.

[eeyore1980]

Yep. This thread is about gaslighting.

 

 

OK, OK, I'll go read about gaslighting.....

[SerenityX2]

If I could have things the way I wanted, he would come to me right now and tell me how sorry he is, which he has told me he is sorry several times, and then proceed to TELL ME EXACTLY THE EXTENT OF HIS AFFAIR!!! I am sure I would be very hurt and angry, and I would probably storm out and cry my eyes out, but then I could begin to heal, and start making some sense of this, and probably even manage to work things out with him.

 

 

Then you need to do exactly that! It's hard to see right now, but you do have a say in this, don't let him squash that out of you.

 

When you've been cheated on, you may be conditioned to share in that responsibility that you helped to create that situation...but I know in many other situations, including mine, it was the selfish needs of one that destroyed that marriage, although the more that I'm learning, those are the marriages that most likely won't survive the fallout.

 

I was cheated on but since he's a P.I. it was damn hard to get the "proof"...the first time...yes the first! I stayed b/c he begged me to stay...she meant nothing etc...Less than a year later and pregnant with my son...it happened again. He blamed the fact that he wasn't ready to be a dad...bad timing...just an in general freak out He kept denying an affair..told me I was shallow if I believed that's what he was doing...however that's when the verbal abuse (subtle) started to slowly turn into physical abuse...again this was subtle...no hitting per se...started out with throwing things...sometimes the object would hit...sometimes it would sail past and crash near me...then it started with the shoving...again slowly...I'm not saying abuse is headed your way...my point is even those most overt stuff like this...things you would tell a friend to get the hell out...were done so subletly and over such a period of time...that I really did feel so confused, not sure what to believe...if there was a rational explanation.

 

Anyway I got proof of the affair...it took me about 5 mos to "get my ducks in a row" to be able to move out...I knew he wouldn't make things pretty...there would be no amicable split...I didn't want the house...I didn't want money...I took just the things that I needed to set up a new place...I wanted to be able to face myself in the mirror....it wasn't about vengence...I can't believe I married him, looking back though I was young and very naive...we were not a good fit....my current H is night and day different from my exH.

 

I never have and never will cheat either...it's not in my or my now current H's character..I'm learning that some people either have that or they don't.

 

Don't let him gaslight you. If you honestly think it's worth saving...only you can know that...the 1st time I was packed up and ready to go (I knew he'd never leave and I didn't want to be near him)...but he begged...and it's true...you cannot judge what you will do in that situation when you're talking about a marriage. The next time there was no chance for a discussion...I was done I didn't care for any explanations Cheating, of course a non negiotiable now older and wiser , but I see the night and day difference M that I now have...it will never be a worry for either of us...That may sound bold...but again, somethings you just "know" b/c of the character....if you do leave...I hope you may find that peace and security...it's quite awesome!

 

You will have a tough road ahead of you if you stay...anger and tears are def part of it...but who knows, you may come out stronger...and for that it's all worth it. but I agree...you flat out tell him this is what you need...and why you need it...if he doesn't comply....you're worth more.

 

If you do stay...a poster here named Owl has brilliant insight on getting things back on track...he may be able to help you.

 

Remember, gold is tested in fire.

 

Peace

[SerenityX2]

oh how damn funny about the gaslighting...I was busy composing my novel to you and I used that word...b/c I know it all too well and to come back and read the posts about it...too funny.

 

Yep, that's what it is!

[eeyore1980]

OK, OK, I'll go read about gaslighting.....

 

 

I've actually seen the movie, but it was a while back. I had the general idea, but it certainly is different reading it in black and white.

Thanks.

 

You know, I would really like to save this marriage. That's why I came here, to figure out where to go from here. I feel like 2 different people, torn right down the middle. Having said that, this gaslighting really hits a nerve with me.

[eeyore1980]

Then you need to do exactly that! It's hard to see right now, but you do have a say in this, don't let him squash that out of you.

 

When you've been cheated on, you may be conditioned to share in that responsibility that you helped to create that situation...but I know in many other situations, including mine, it was the selfish needs of one that destroyed that marriage, although the more that I'm learning, those are the marriages that most likely won't survive the fallout.

 

This is one thing I can guarantee. I have not, nor will I ever, feel any responsibility for his affair, I don't feel like I have been made a fool out of, I don't carry one shred of blame in myself for what he did. I am more than able to accept responsibility for some of the things wrong in our marriage before the affair, but since he was as guilty or more of the problems before the affair, and he had an affair, yet I didn't....I think that says it all, and nothing is going to change those facts.

[eeyore1980]

I was cheated on but since he's a P.I. it was damn hard to get the "proof"...the first time...yes the first! I stayed b/c he begged me to stay...she meant nothing etc...Less than a year later and pregnant with my son...it happened again. He blamed the fact that he wasn't ready to be a dad...bad timing...just an in general freak out He kept denying an affair..told me I was shallow if I believed that's what he was doing...however that's when the verbal abuse (subtle) started to slowly turn into physical abuse...again this was subtle...no hitting per se...started out with throwing things...sometimes the object would hit...sometimes it would sail past and crash near me...then it started with the shoving...again slowly...I'm not saying abuse is headed your way...my point is even those most overt stuff like this...things you would tell a friend to get the hell out...were done so subletly and over such a period of time...that I really did feel so confused, not sure what to believe...if there was a rational explanation.

 

Anyway I got proof of the affair...it took me about 5 mos to "get my ducks in a row" to be able to move out...I knew he wouldn't make things pretty...there would be no amicable split...I didn't want the house...I didn't want money...I took just the things that I needed to set up a new place...I wanted to be able to face myself in the mirror....it wasn't about vengence...I can't believe I married him, looking back though I was young and very naive...we were not a good fit....my current H is night and day different from my exH.

 

 

I have not found any evidence that my husband is still in contact with the OW. I found out all kinds of pretty bad things about her, and from a very reliable source, which I shared with him. I believe he doesn't want anything more to do with her, up to a point, anyway, I am still constantly on alert. The only proof I am going to be able to come up with is from the past, and I have so far tried everything I can think of to find some way, even going to the local motel to ask if they had stayed there, and calling a few in the nearby town. Tried to recover deleted files from his computer, actually got some, but they are all in gibberish, and I have yet to repair/decrypt them. Tried all means not involving LE and court orders to try to get transcripts of emails or texts. If I had a picture of her, I would not be above taking it and a picture of my husband all over town and asking EVERYONE if they had ever seen the two of them together.

[SerenityX2]

Oh but don't you see? You'll drive yourself nuts doing that...it's not worth it.

 

My proof the last time was in the form of receipts..and what was on the receipts...piecing that together with items left in his travel bag...he traveled out of town a lot for business. So trust me, I didn't have pictures and emails or letters exchanged...nothing like that...I think you have the proof that you need...if you want details...that unfortunately will have to come from him.

 

That's why I say, tell him what you need and why you need it. If he does truly love you and wants this M to survive/thrive as much as you..it'll be painful but he's got to be willing...You need to tell him, no bullsh*t no games...if you are to heal this is what he needs to do to help that...if he continues to play games and deny and hide the truth b/c he doesn't want to deal with it (again showing selfishness) you won't tolerate it, up to you if you want to show him the hand that says you're outta there...if it comes to that...or if just one day, "surprise" and that's it...gone...done.

 

I'm not 100pct sure but I think Owl and his W may have used a counsler. I've only got bits and pieces from diff threads on his story...but his is an inspiration to stay together...it doesn't always work that way....but each individual sit is different...and yours may be worth it.

 

I'm no advocate for "just divorce" but I also don't believe in living in unneccssary prolonged pain.

 

In other words to be blunt your H need to sh*t or get off the pot.

[Elilmomma]

Oh honey I went throug the SAME thing and he still swears he is innocent and it has been over a year. So, you will never get the answers you are looking for......he is a liar and she is a tramp. Let me tell you something, if you were not as sexual as he wanted ( I was not either) then WHY or what could another woman give him, sex.....they are so shallow and so stupid and instead of just leaving and having A LOT OF meaningless sex,they stay and cheat.......I will never get it !

 

 

I know they rather put us through a living hell than let us go and go out there and do whoever they want. It's something we will never get like you said.

[Elilmomma]

Let me guess, you lie awake all night worried, upset playing over in your head a million times while he snores away?

 

Thank you! You are right, he sleeps away, I take pills, I started smoking again after having quit for a year and a half, and he just lays there and snores.

 

 

I do the exact same thing lie awake at night going over and over the whole thing wondering if there's more to it than what he says. I started drinking to ease the pain and clear my mind of it all. I can't eat sleep or even concentrate on anything. I am crying all the time or do I want to ever leave my house, I feel ashamed and embarassed. He just goes about his day as usual while I am falling apart..I do love him still but I hate what he's done to me emotionally... at the same time it is my kharma I guess for treating him so badly for so long or maybe I am letting his excuses for what he did get to me. I don't know... I feel alone as well...

[eeyore1980]

 

 

I do the exact same thing lie awake at night going over and over the whole thing wondering if there's more to it than what he says. I started drinking to ease the pain and clear my mind of it all. I can't eat sleep or even concentrate on anything. I am crying all the time or do I want to ever leave my house, I feel ashamed and embarassed. He just goes about his day as usual while I am falling apart..I do love him still but I hate what he's done to me emotionally... at the same time it is my kharma I guess for treating him so badly for so long or maybe I am letting his excuses for what he did get to me. I don't know... I feel alone as well...

 

OK, what is it you did, or think you did, to him to deserve this? I don't know enough of your story, so I apologize if I am out of line, but if he cheated on you, what the hell do you have to be embarassed about? I will bite down on my rant until you respond.

[eeyore1980]

Oh but don't you see? You'll drive yourself nuts doing that...it's not worth it.

 

Yeah, I admit this was something I thought about doing a couple of months into it. It was just too much trouble to try to get a picture of her.

All the stuff you have said, I have tried. All that is accomplished is he gets his mantras going. "I can't prove I'm innocent." "I can't take back what I did." "I know I lied before, but I'm telling the truth now." Then there is one of my top three favorite, "I'm not going to admit to something I didn't do."

 

The other two are "I don't know", and "I don't remember".

[annieo]

Yeah, I admit this was something I thought about doing a couple of months into it. It was just too much trouble to try to get a picture of her.

All the stuff you have said, I have tried. All that is accomplished is he gets his mantras going. "I can't prove I'm innocent." "I can't take back what I did." "I know I lied before, but I'm telling the truth now." Then there is one of my top three favorite, "I'm not going to admit to something I didn't do."

 

The other two are "I don't know", and "I don't remember".

 

My h repeated those same mantras to me re his strip club visits. Eventually,i got some truth, but all of it? I still feel, in my gut, like I only got part of the story, but other times I worry that I HAVE got the whole story and I am going to ruin my marriage by my inability to just believe him.

Crazy making situation. I understand your confusion. It's like your head/heart are going one way, and your intuition is going the opposite.

[Elilmomma]

 

OK, what is it you did, or think you did, to him to deserve this? I don't know enough of your story, so I apologize if I am out of line, but if he cheated on you, what the hell do you have to be embarassed about? I will bite down on my rant until you respond.

Honestly when I met him I just turned 19 and he was 8yrs. older than me, we were together for almost a year when we had a baby girl. After she was born he cheated on me, but I didn't know for sure, so we moved on the when my daughter was 2 years old I cheated. He put me threw hell for what I cheating meanwhile he cheated 2..anyway we moved on got married legally five years after all the cheating. then I suffered a miscarriage and he was not there for me at all, so I pushed him away and even told him that marrying him was a mistake. he never understood the trauma I went through losing the baby. I even kicked him out of the house and wouldn't give him sex telling him to get another woman. I decided to move upstate N.Y and asked him to come with me and his daughter. We were suppose to be starting fresh no bull, then we got pregnant and he got a job and a car. So fast forward to 4 months later now he had another affair, when I thought we were past all the pain. Hubby says he can't get over me kicking him out and since I told him to get another woman he did on his time. I may have treated him badly during our marriage but I didn't cheat on him since we got married there was never another man in the picture just emotional baggage on my part from the miscarriage and other stuff he was puting me through. He is the only man I have ever loved or been with long term serious relationship so yeah I made a mistake, but now that I am older and wiser no I would not hurt him again. It's like he justifies his actions with the way I treated him, and no that's not fair. But I feel like this is my kharma for trying to shut him out of my life, and telling him to get another woman I never actually thought he would I mean he's told me that if I could get a better man than go ahead but I never did nor do I want to. that's my story and I am living my kharma now. My H and I have been together for almost 11 years now and we have two beautiful girls to think about.. Yes I do still love him very much I never stopped....

[jenniferc1114]

Eeyore,

I've been reading your post & wondered did I blackl out & type all this? Your story matches mine in soooo many ways. I was so naive as well to believe that because he gave up his cell phone they stopped. All my husband did was stop giving me opportunities to catch him. 7 months passed where I truly thought "whatever" happened had stopped. He kept a good job at cleaning out my PC as well. He used myspace, hidden email accounts all which I clueless about, just to communicate without me knowing. I only have 18 years vested vs your 23 years, but yes I feel that our marriage deserves a chance. I'm waiting for when I feel "I" deserve more, not him or the "marriage". It's tough. My H has truly started to show some real signs of remorse. That's starting to hit me as well. I'm confused, I'm hurt, and I'm still pissed. I'm sorry I don't have any good advise. I believe in true love, I want my marriage or anyone else who's strong to get through this. I know people who've been married for 50 years or more have probably gone thru the same. I want to be one of those strong marriages in the end that everyone envies.

But I don't want to be the fool. Take your time. One thing my H has offerred to do to stay with me is get a post-nuptial. We're in a no fault state, but the post nuptial would state if he cheats again, I get the house, contents, etc. no splitting 50/50) Get something in writing, protect that business you've helped build. keep us posted

[eeyore1980]

Honestly when I met him I just turned 19 and he was 8yrs. older than me, we were together for almost a year when we had a baby girl. After she was born he cheated on me, but I didn't know for sure, so we moved on the when my daughter was 2 years old I cheated. He put me threw hell for what I cheating meanwhile he cheated 2..anyway we moved on got married legally five years after all the cheating. then I suffered a miscarriage and he was not there for me at all, so I pushed him away and even told him that marrying him was a mistake. he never understood the trauma I went through losing the baby. I even kicked him out of the house and wouldn't give him sex telling him to get another woman. I decided to move upstate N.Y and asked him to come with me and his daughter. We were suppose to be starting fresh no bull, then we got pregnant and he got a job and a car. So fast forward to 4 months later now he had another affair, when I thought we were past all the pain. Hubby says he can't get over me kicking him out and since I told him to get another woman he did on his time. I may have treated him badly during our marriage but I didn't cheat on him since we got married there was never another man in the picture just emotional baggage on my part from the miscarriage and other stuff he was puting me through. He is the only man I have ever loved or been with long term serious relationship so yeah I made a mistake, but now that I am older and wiser no I would not hurt him again. It's like he justifies his actions with the way I treated him, and no that's not fair. But I feel like this is my kharma for trying to shut him out of my life, and telling him to get another woman I never actually thought he would I mean he's told me that if I could get a better man than go ahead but I never did nor do I want to. that's my story and I am living my kharma now. My H and I have been together for almost 11 years now and we have two beautiful girls to think about.. Yes I do still love him very much I never stopped....

 

I know how much pain this is causing you, I'm living it myself. I still can't really comment on this yet, I don't feel like I have enough of the picture.

Are you sure at this point he cheated on you after your daughter was born?

How much time after you lost your baby (and I am so sorry for your pain. I lost a baby also, and it was devastating to me.) did your husband cheat again? When you say he treated you like crap after the miscarriage, can you give me a general idea of how?

[Elilmomma]

 

I know how much pain this is causing you, I'm living it myself. I still can't really comment on this yet, I don't feel like I have enough of the picture.

Are you sure at this point he cheated on you after your daughter was born?

How much time after you lost your baby (and I am so sorry for your pain. I lost a baby also, and it was devastating to me.) did your husband cheat again? When you say he treated you like crap after the miscarriage, can you give me a general idea of how?

My hubby actually cheated while I was pregnant with our first daughter I found out five years later cause he put it on the same tape as our daughter being born. Put it like when I was 8 months along with our fisrt daughter his sister died and then his ex popped up in the picture and she was all over him and his family using their tragedy to her advantage. then 2 years later I cheated. anyway after my loss (sorry for your loss too) he told me that I deserved to lose the baby and basically good for me. He kicked me when I was at my weakest I also tried to kill myself after I lost the baby I felt worthless. So I never wanted to have sex because I was afraid of getting pregnant again I already suffered 2 miscarriages. It was the darkest time in my life losing my babies, but I do have to beautiful daughters now to be grateful for. I admit that I hated him for a long time and didn't even want to look at his face that's why I kept telling him if I am such a evil woman then go find another one, but through it all I still loved him. Now he did and it really hurts like hell, but at the same time is it my kharma? to answer your question from what I know of he has not cheated in 9 years, which was after our second daughter was born. I know I don't deserve any sympathy just need to get it out... so feel free to give me your advice... or to ask any questions?

[eeyore1980]

Eeyore,

I've been reading your post & wondered did I blackl out & type all this? Your story matches mine in soooo many ways. I was so naive as well to believe that because he gave up his cell phone they stopped. All my husband did was stop giving me opportunities to catch him. 7 months passed where I truly thought "whatever" happened had stopped. He kept a good job at cleaning out my PC as well. He used myspace, hidden email accounts all which I clueless about, just to communicate without me knowing. I only have 18 years vested vs your 23 years, but yes I feel that our marriage deserves a chance. I'm waiting for when I feel "I" deserve more, not him or the "marriage". It's tough. My H has truly started to show some real signs of remorse. That's starting to hit me as well. I'm confused, I'm hurt, and I'm still pissed. I'm sorry I don't have any good advise. I believe in true love, I want my marriage or anyone else who's strong to get through this. I know people who've been married for 50 years or more have probably gone thru the same. I want to be one of those strong marriages in the end that everyone envies.

But I don't want to be the fool. Take your time. One thing my H has offerred to do to stay with me is get a post-nuptial. We're in a no fault state, but the post nuptial would state if he cheats again, I get the house, contents, etc. no splitting 50/50) Get something in writing, protect that business you've helped build. keep us posted

 

Well, I hope if you get nothing out of this, you will know you are not alone. I have spent several months off and on reading so many posts about emotional affairs, physical affairs, what defines an emotional affair, etc., but they have all had the common thread of finding emails that said...or finding texts that said...or overhearing spouse talking, or whatever, where there was SOMETHING to go on. Not me. I get to spend the rest of my life wondering did he or didn't he, unless he takes pity on all the hell I am living through and tells me the truth. LOL, like I said, I get to spend the rest of my life wondering if he did or if he didn't. As far as if he is still in contact with the skank, I don't know, but if he is, he deserves her. I made copies of some of the phone bills and took them to her dad. He actually called me and offered to meet with me, so I did. He was very kind to me, and he told me his daughter was bi-polar, wouldn't accept it, wouldn't get treatment or take meds. He couldn't even mention her ex husband's name without the adjective 'poor' in front of it. He said 'poor ex put up with her and her crap as long as he could'. She is 37 and lives with her parents because she can't take care of herself. His words "We are trying to raise her daughter in spite of her." He told me this isn't the first time she has done this, and he even believes, her own father, that there was more to it than 'just friends'. I have a lot of experience with persons with bi-polar who are in denial, and it is not a pleasant experience. Part of me wishes I had never agreed to try to fix this marriage, and let him end up with his precious little fruitcake (which would have NEVER HAPPENED, according to him.) I would probably feel a lot better than I do right now, and belaughing my a off every time I thought about him stuck with her and all her craziness. That would be kharma!

[eeyore1980]

My hubby actually cheated while I was pregnant with our first daughter I found out five years later cause he put it on the same tape as our daughter being born. Put it like when I was 8 months along with our fisrt daughter his sister died and then his ex popped up in the picture and she was all over him and his family using their tragedy to her advantage. then 2 years later I cheated. anyway after my loss (sorry for your loss too) he told me that I deserved to lose the baby and basically good for me. He kicked me when I was at my weakest I also tried to kill myself after I lost the baby I felt worthless. So I never wanted to have sex because I was afraid of getting pregnant again I already suffered 2 miscarriages. It was the darkest time in my life losing my babies, but I do have to beautiful daughters now to be grateful for. I admit that I hated him for a long time and didn't even want to look at his face that's why I kept telling him if I am such a evil woman then go find another one, but through it all I still loved him. Now he did and it really hurts like hell, but at the same time is it my kharma? to answer your question from what I know of he has not cheated in 9 years, which was after our second daughter was born. I know I don't deserve any sympathy just need to get it out... so feel free to give me your advice... or to ask any questions?

Yeah, you do deserve some sympathy.

I have to tell you, I am not a strong believer in kharma. If I had the time, the stories I could post in here, but then everyone would have to keep going back to the beginning, because they would think I was the one having the affair, and listing all my reasons why I got into it. Neglect, abandonment, uncared for, unimportant, those are all the ways I felt, for years, yet he's the one who needed to screw around. The only advice I can give you is what I am trying to live by now, and that is go over everything you have gone through with this man from day one, figure out what has made you stay for as long as you have, and if those reasons are still valid for your situation. If you stay or if you go, what do you stand to gain, and what do you stand to lose? Is there anything you can change about yourself that will make your marriage better? You are the only one who knows the answers to these questions, and this will give you something constructive to take the place of the destructive things you are currently thinking about while you are lying awake listening to him snore. It's not easy, and it isn't quick, but you really need to think about you, and your life, and what you want out of it, and what needs to happen to get what you want out of it. That's what I am doing. The other crap still creeps in a lot more than I would like it to, but I am finding the more I focus on trying to make my life the best it can be, the easier it is getting to get some sleep at night.

[Elilmomma]

Yeah, you do deserve some sympathy.

I have to tell you, I am not a strong believer in kharma. If I had the time, the stories I could post in here, but then everyone would have to keep going back to the beginning, because they would think I was the one having the affair, and listing all my reasons why I got into it. Neglect, abandonment, uncared for, unimportant, those are all the ways I felt, for years, yet he's the one who needed to screw around. The only advice I can give you is what I am trying to live by now, and that is go over everything you have gone through with this man from day one, figure out what has made you stay for as long as you have, and if those reasons are still valid for your situation. If you stay or if you go, what do you stand to gain, and what do you stand to lose? Is there anything you can change about yourself that will make your marriage better? You are the only one who knows the answers to these questions, and this will give you something constructive to take the place of the destructive things you are currently thinking about while you are lying awake listening to him snore. It's not easy, and it isn't quick, but you really need to think about you, and your life, and what you want out of it, and what needs to happen to get what you want out of it. That's what I am doing. The other crap still creeps in a lot more than I would like it to, but I am finding the more I focus on trying to make my life the best it can be, the easier it is getting to get some sleep at night.

That's exactly what I am doing now trying to change myself from the inside out. I have been doing alot of soul searching and am realizing my own faults in this marriage. Yeah we have alot of good history as well as bad too like they say for better or worse right...I am working really hard to change to be a better mother and a better wife, at the same time trying to still find my place in life. I really do love this man with my all my heart. He is not a bad man either he has been there for me through some really tough times. I do ask myself sometimes is it all worth it and then I say yes because I can't inagine my life without him and that I owe it to him and my little girls to at least give our marriage a chance to, but is that because I am so used to him that it's comfortable? I can say that I am not really secure with my relationship anymore. I thank you very much for your advice most people say leave him or that it's what I deserve.. I do appreciate honesty though. I will not lose my family for anything that I did, if we were to ever divorce it'll be because of him. It's very good to have someone who understands what I am going through without judgement so thank you. if you need to talk anytime I am here for you whenever I am always up at all hours of the night.

[eeyore1980]

That's exactly what I am doing now trying to change myself from the inside out. I have been doing alot of soul searching and am realizing my own faults in this marriage. Yeah we have alot of good history as well as bad too like they say for better or worse right...I am working really hard to change to be a better mother and a better wife, at the same time trying to still find my place in life. I really do love this man with my all my heart. He is not a bad man either he has been there for me through some really tough times. I do ask myself sometimes is it all worth it and then I say yes because I can't inagine my life without him and that I owe it to him and my little girls to at least give our marriage a chance to, but is that because I am so used to him that it's comfortable? I can say that I am not really secure with my relationship anymore. I thank you very much for your advice most people say leave him or that it's what I deserve.. I do appreciate honesty though. I will not lose my family for anything that I did, if we were to ever divorce it'll be because of him. It's very good to have someone who understands what I am going through without judgement so thank you. if you need to talk anytime I am here for you whenever I am always up at all hours of the night.

 

Thanks. I just want to point out you should also be asking what you owe yourself.

You're what, 30 now? I'm 43. You don't want to be 43 and feeling this way, I promise you that.

No, I'm not going to tell you to stay or go, I know from my own experience there is so much more in play here than what basic info can be posted on this board. Speaking for myself, I know in all my pain it is a lot easier to focus on all the negatives in my marriage than the positives. I do hurt, and I am angry and bitter and resentful. I think one of the many hard parts for me is I want payback, but I just can't figure out how to get it. I don't think I would feel the same way if I thought there was a chance in hell my husband was telling me the truth. I know I would still be hurting really badly, and maybe a little anger, but it is KNOWING he is still lying and lying and lying, and still hurting me on purpose, that is causing the bitterness and the need for vengeance. The affair I can put off as selfish and thoughtless, but everything after that is deliberate, and purposeful, and completely aware of what he is doing to me. My heart is not healing at all, no, the little bits of it that are left are just being stomped in the mud a little more every day.

[Elilmomma]

 

Thanks. I just want to point out you should also be asking what you owe yourself.

You're what, 30 now? I'm 43. You don't want to be 43 and feeling this way, I promise you that.

No, I'm not going to tell you to stay or go, I know from my own experience there is so much more in play here than what basic info can be posted on this board. Speaking for myself, I know in all my pain it is a lot easier to focus on all the negatives in my marriage than the positives. I do hurt, and I am angry and bitter and resentful. I think one of the many hard parts for me is I want payback, but I just can't figure out how to get it. I don't think I would feel the same way if I thought there was a chance in hell my husband was telling me the truth. I know I would still be hurting really badly, and maybe a little anger, but it is KNOWING he is still lying and lying and lying, and still hurting me on purpose, that is causing the bitterness and the need for vengeance. The affair I can put off as selfish and thoughtless, but everything after that is deliberate, and purposeful, and completely aware of what he is doing to me. My heart is not healing at all, no, the little bits of it that are left are just being stomped in the mud a little more every day.

I feel really bad for you because I know it sucks to be in this situation. You do deserve to know the truth though but that's something you'll probally never know. I can relate to what hell you are going through. I myself don't want to leave my house I feel like if I leave I am gonna lose another peice of my heart. To me it's one thing that he had a affair but the ow was leaving messages on my house phone he was calling her while I was asleep with our 4 month old daughter.You ever heard that saying you don't **** where you eat well he did. I mean atleast I did find out about her. Me personally I feel like a big piece of me is missing, and I won't never be the same again. Just in December I was the happiest woman in the world I had everything I could ask for but then he had and affair and now I am just lost, lonely and depressed smoking a pack a day. I really hope that you can find some sort of peace and happiness, you deserve it. You are really helping me out alot thank you. I hope I can return the favor. Honestly I think you are too good for him, I don't mean to be to harsh sorry... I just hope you can get the answers you seek one day so you can move on from all of the hurt and pain so you can be a whole person again.. Good luck on your journey that we call life...