Here's the news.....

[White Flower]

Yeah, people sometimes marry the wrong person, but usually they don't know it's the 'wrong' person until they'v cheated and want someone new.

Well, I can't speak for all OPs, but in some cases this is true. And sometimes we allow ourselves to bend the rules in order to confirm the truth we denied ourselves for so long.

 

Sometimes it is the cheating that helps us to make a decision. Please don't misunderstand me when I say this. I'm not saying all people should cheat or that cheating inevitibly leads to finding yourself or your true love yet in some cases it definitely helps us to see that if you don't feel guilty afterward then you know you have to end the M for your spouse's sake as well as yours.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have to say this whole thing took on a whole sketchy turn with that "BW" thread. I'm not certain what to think about this.

 

I would certainly like to see an update, that's for sure.

[OWoman]

Yeah, people sometimes marry the wrong person, but usually they don't know it's the 'wrong' person until they've cheated and want someone new.

 

Sometimes they don't know what a normal relationship is until they've experienced one.

[OWoman]

Its really interesting how smug some OPs posts become once they start a "new" kind of R with the stbdMP.

 

Perhaps it's self defence?

 

And then they wonder why non-OPs don't celebrate with them.......

 

Perhaps it's self defence?

[NoIDidn't]

Perhaps it's self defence?

 

I'm sorry but being smug is not self-defense. Getting defensive is. But posting with a superior attitude and being condescending is NOT self-defense.

[Owl]

Nextel, per your request...here ya are!

 

Nice to have you 'back'.

[Lishy]

You do realise that a new position has opened don't you?

 

I wish you lots of luck and I hope it all works out for you

[nextel]

Dont put this on me OWL, you asked I made a suggestion.

 

Well, things are going very very well. We are happy.

enuf said.

[OWoman]

You do realise that a new position has opened don't you?

 

That is SUCH a tired old myth! By that line of "thinking" every MM needs at least one OW, so anyone who's "happily married" needs to worry about how many OWs / OMs their spouse is stacking up on the side.

 

My father married his OW more than 20 years ago, and has been vehemently faithful to her ever since. And yes, they are together 24hrs a day every day - he took early retirement so that they could be, and she resigned her job to be with him - so unless he keeps an OW under the cupboard in the bathroom for when he's on the can, his W would know.

 

There really ARE MMs out there who have ONE A during a dysfunctional M and go on to find true love and happiness and remain faithful to their true love ever after, however much the embittered out there wish to deny it.

 

Whether Nextel and I and GEL and Lyssa and all the other OWs whose MMs have left their Ws for them land up among those happy stats is anyone's guess at this stage, but for now we're happy and life is great (sorry others to speak on your behalf!)

 

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

[Aoife]

It's really hard to know what are myths and what aren't!! I always hear that the MM tells the OW that he's unhappy at home, his wife doesn't understand him, he's leaving...but mine never has said any of those things. In fact, he told me he's 'in love with what he's got'.

[carhill]

There really ARE MMs out there who have ONE A during a dysfunctional M and go on to find true love and happiness and remain faithful to their true love ever after, however much the embittered out there wish to deny it.

 

I believe this is true, especially if the extra-marital attachment (EA) pre-dated the marriage and relationship with the spouse. Often, relationships are about timing. I've noted most affairs shared here are with people met after marriage, but other dynamics exist as well.

[nextel]

[quote=OWoman;(sorry others to speak on your behalf!)

 

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

 

 

 

Well said.

[Owl]

Dont put this on me OWL, you asked I made a suggestion.

 

Well, things are going very very well. We are happy.

enuf said.

 

I asked for an update...you suggested I start a thread...what am I "putting on you"?

 

Things are going well...so he's met your boundary, filed, and in the process of divorcing and moving out?

[LucreziaBorgia]

That is SUCH a tired old myth! By that line of "thinking" every MM needs at least one OW, so anyone who's "happily married" needs to worry about how many OWs / OMs their spouse is stacking up on the side.

 

I will agree that not all MM are like that.

 

However...

 

Some MM are like that. It would be unwise for anyone who is involved with someone who has cheated repeatedly on multiple spouses to think otherwise.

 

A MM with a pattern behavior of cheating in multiple marriages isn't going to magically change into Mr. Monogamy when he trades in a wife for an OW - particularly when he has made that trade a couple of times already.

[OWoman]

I will agree that not all MM are like that.

 

However...

 

Some MM are like that. It would be unwise for anyone who is involved with someone who has cheated repeatedly on multiple spouses to think otherwise.

 

A MM with a pattern behavior of cheating in multiple marriages isn't going to magically change into Mr. Monogamy when he trades in a wife for an OW - particularly when he has made that trade a couple of times already.

 

LB I agree that caution needs to be exercised when there are obvious red flags. Which is not to say someone CAN'T change, but that the likelihood of their changing needs to be considered in the light of their habitual past behaviour.

 

However there is a knee-jerk response among some that consider that ANY MM who leaves his W for an OW is automatically on the lookout for a new OW and that it's just a matter of time before she, too, finds herself the BW. Which is simply untrue because of the existence of examples who haven't.

 

Any red flags in any R warrant caution. But an R or an M that begun as an A is no more cursed than any other R or M in the absence of any such red flags. All Rs and Ms involve risk. Ours no more, and possibly even less as the circumstances surrounding their beginnings heighten our awareness to relationship dynamics and pitfallls.

[precious1357]

I am doing well. I have been away for a while, enjoying my evenings, lunch and dinner dates with MM. Guess what, he filed for divorce on the 28th. He had hoped that they would compromise and use a mediator, but since she did not want to move out, he went ahead and filed. He has been with me every night since then.

 

Needless to say he has made his move.

 

 

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

[lovernotafighter]

Its really interesting how smug some OPs posts become once they start a "new" kind of R with the stbdMP.

 

And then they wonder why non-OPs don't celebrate with them.......

 

you know what I find interesting is how the same people who will thump their chest around here saying things like "if he really loved you he'd be with you" but as soon as a OP's A partner does just that they are the first to say things like "oh your celebrating a destruction of a marriage" or "wow your so smug".

 

seems to me around here a OW/OM can't win with some people no matter what, what would you call them? hypocrites perhaps?

 

 

You do realise that a new position has opened don't you?

 

I wish you lots of luck and I hope it all works out for you

 

Lishy your contribution to this thread is what, do you think your being terribly witty or something? I don't get it really.

However I will create a new position just for you just let me bend over and...

[Lishy]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

 

Why congratulations?

 

She hasn't just had a baby has she?

[OWoman]

Why congratulations?

 

She hasn't just had a baby has she?

 

Far better!

[nadiaj2727]

you know what I find interesting is how the same people who will thump their chest around here saying things like "if he really loved you he'd be with you" but as soon as a OP's A partner does just that they are the first to say things like "oh your celebrating a destruction of a marriage" or "wow your so smug".

 

I don't see any contradiction; I think they are both true. If he really loves you, he will be with you. However, he doesn't really love anyone but himself or he wouldn't get involved with a new woman while he was still MARRIED/ had commitments in the first place. And any good woman wouldn't WANT to take another woman's husband. So after awhile the OW is in a lose/ lose situation (all thanks to a stupid selfish MM, AND her own decision to get involved with him). The OW thinks, "I want him to be mine, but I don't want to feel like I'm stealing him away from her." It IS kind of tacky (in my opinion) to gloat about the destruction of a marriage. (I am not saying the OP is doing that).

 

I think the only way OW can win is by never becoming an OW. At least that's what I learned from my own situation. If we're meant to be, we'll be as two AVAILABLE people who didn't have to rip each other away from someone else first and have that on our conscience for the rest of our relationship. And if he's not avilable I won't ever put myself in that situation again, to wait and see if he is really going to leave her. Ewwww. All of us are worth more than that, I think.

[NoIDidn't]

you know what I find interesting is how the same people who will thump their chest around here saying things like "if he really loved you he'd be with you" but as soon as a OP's A partner does just that they are the first to say things like "oh your celebrating a destruction of a marriage" or "wow your so smug".

 

seems to me around here a OW/OM can't win with some people no matter what, what would you call them? hypocrites perhaps?

 

 

I find that interesting too, especially since I NEVER SAID THAT.

 

And, I have already stated how I feel on the matter. Some OPs ARE smug when they feel that they have "won". And....yeah, OPs can't win with some people, including me, unless they get off that high horse and stop being so smug, acting as if the superior person won.

 

BTW, my statement had nothing to do with nextel's update. I didn't find her update smug. All she said was MM was doing what he said he would do. But either way, I am not going to congratulate someone on an adulterous R. I see nothing hypocritical about that stance at all. I have nothing to rationalize or justify. So, tell me what I posted that was hypocritical again?

[nextel]

In life we all make decisions. Sometimes those decisions don't sit well with others and sometimes they are acceptable. In any event, there is no perfect situation.

 

I don't want to proclaim that my situation is unique or different. Yes, he was married when we started A. Yes, I knew him before he got married, and before W ever knew he existed. Yes, they are getting a D. Yes, he loves me. Yes, I love him.

 

Whatever your position might be with my R with MM or anyone's relationship in this forum, the truth is, it is possible for MM to leave W and be happy with OW. I look in MM's eyes, and I see the transition he has made and he is happy with me. He is happy, I am happy, we are happy.

[Lishy]

Nextel I am pleased for you that you are with the man you love now. I am not bashing you as a person or even your relationship.

 

What I find hard to get my head around is that you talk like you have won the prize. Can you honestly say that you will trust him? You know every lie he told his wife, he left you and crawled back into bed with his wife for how long? Can you trust a man that did those things? A man willing to live a lie is not a man to be trusted at all.

 

All I am saying is keep your eyes wide open because due to his track record you could end up being in his wife's position one day!

[Lyssa]

Whether Nextel and I and GEL and Lyssa and all the other OWs whose MMs have left their Ws for them land up among those happy stats is anyone's guess at this stage, but for now we're happy and life is great (sorry others to speak on your behalf!)

 

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

 

Owoman! I didn't even know you know that I am happy! I can't remember if I have posted an update or not but yes, we are among those happy stats - very few of them.

 

I don't think I have been proud or smug about how it turned out I don't even feel as if I have won a "prize" (what prize?!). I'm just happy that he proved to me that he isn't like any typical MM that people here often portray.

[nextel]

Nextel I am pleased for you that you are with the man you love now. I am not bashing you as a person or even your relationship.

 

What I find hard to get my head around is that you talk like you have won the prize. Can you honestly say that you will trust him? You know every lie he told his wife, he left you and crawled back into bed with his wife for how long? Can you trust a man that did those things? A man willing to live a lie is not a man to be trusted at all.

 

All I am saying is keep your eyes wide open because due to his track record you could end up being in his wife's position one day!

 

 

Its not important that I make any clarifications but the heck of it, I will. MM's marriage had been downhill before we ever started our A. Like many of his friends, we all knew that he was not happy. During that time, he made no secrets about it. He did not confide in me, but his friends mentioned it from time to time.

MM never lied to me about his M nor did he lie to W. She knew just like the rest of us that he no longer wanted to be M. Everything he told me was only confirmation because I had heard about it months before he approached me. When he started seeing me, W knew. He did not lie to her.

 

So you ask some questions..... Can you honestly say that you will trust him? Yes, I do trust him. You know every lie he told his wife, he left you and crawled back into bed with his wife for how long? He never told me any lies. MM and W have not shared a bed in over 1 year, and he has been with me for 6 months. He spends extended weekends with me. Can you trust a man that did those things? I trust my MM. He made his intentions clear and has been/is working on them. A man willing to live a lie is not a man to be trusted at all. That is true if he lies. I have not been lied to, neglected or misled.

 

You then state that what I find hard to get my head around is that you talk like you have won the prize. I don't feel like I have won any prize. I know I am with a man that loves me and treats me good and I appreciate and love him.