Lishy Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Then I am happy for you Nextel. I wish you a very happy future Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Nextel, you'd stated that you're happy. That's awesome. I'm curious...does that mean he's met the 'boundaries' you'd set on this? You'd stated that you no longer wanted to be the OW...that he was going to have to leave her and file for D. Is that where this is at? Has he left her for good? Filed for divorce? Got his own place, or moved in with you? Are you 'no longer the OW'? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nextel Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 Nextel, you'd stated that you're happy. That's awesome. I'm curious...does that mean he's met the 'boundaries' you'd set on this? You'd stated that you no longer wanted to be the OW...that he was going to have to leave her and file for D. Is that where this is at? Has he left her for good? Filed for divorce? Got his own place, or moved in with you? Are you 'no longer the OW'? MM filed for divorce. MM does not need to move into my house that has 3 bedrooms. I really never considered myself to be OW considering we were not hiding our affair. We wanted to get caught, and so many people saw us, and he always spent extended weekends with me. I just looked at it as though I was dating him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Why do you call him mm? He is the love of your life, surely he is worthy of being called more than mm? I see a trend for that in this forum! Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Why do you call him mm? He is the love of your life, surely he is worthy of being called more than mm? I see a trend for that in this forum! This is not directed to me but I would like to answer - if you don't mind, Lishy. When BF was still married, I called him my love and sometimes BF (since it was pretty much known to some of his friends of my existence), I posted in some of the threads and I was blasted for calling him BF. Then after he got divorced, I was also blasted for calling him that. So I don't know what's the right thing to call... MM. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 You are certainly entitled to do as you please. As far as I am concerned, I have what I have been wanting for the a long time. My body, mind, heart and soul wants him. I know he loves me, not because he tells me but because of his actions. He is the one for me. Sure, but when things go a little stale and the newness wears off, what are you gonna do when he gets the itch again? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Sure, but when things go a little stale and the newness wears off, what are you gonna do when he gets the itch again? He might never get the itch again.. btdt.. I was with my first MM for 18 years.. I was the one who left him.. we'd still be together.. he never totally recovered... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Sure, but when things go a little stale and the newness wears off, what are you gonna do when he gets the itch again? Presumably you meant to write IF he gets the itch again, unless your crystal ball is working so well you've retired on your lottery millions? I would imagine nextel's answer, like my own, to the question as you should have asked but didn't would be "I'll deal with that if it happens", the same as a starry eyed virgin bride would answer if you asked her at the altar how she'd cope when her husband decided to cheat on her. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 I would imagine nextel's answer, like my own, to the question as you should have asked but didn't would be "I'll deal with that if it happens", the same as a starry eyed virgin bride would answer if you asked her at the altar how she'd cope when her husband decided to cheat on her. I doubt a starry eyed virgin bride would say "I'll deal with that if it happens" if asked at the alter how she'd cope when her husband decided to cheat on her. She would say "I would be crushed and shocked, as I would not expect him to be the type of person that would cheat." The cheating MM's OW can *not* say the same thing. I'm not saying it's not possible for OW and MM to be happy together in the future, I'm just saying, OW *knows* that MM has a character that allows him to cheat, whereas the starry eyed bride does not. In my own opinion the bride has much more of a right to feel "crushed" and "shocked" upon learning that her husband has cheated than an OW ever would, finding out that her exMM turned husband cheated (again). Imagine how you would feel if you married a man you were in love with and had dreams to be with forever, in addition to a promise from him that he would be with you until you died. Then you find out he has betrayed you with another woman. I have never been married but it breaks my heart to think of that happening to me. In my eyes, an OW's stance is much different -- she may be in love with a man she wants to be with forever, but first it involves him leaving the one he made promises and commitments to. She is hoping he will *leave* his wife, whereas the wife is not "hoping" for anything... she feels secure that she is in a committed relationship with a trustworthy man who vowed to forsake all others for her. The W and the OW are in very very different positions and should have very very different expectations, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 you know what I find interesting is how the same people who will thump their chest around here saying things like "if he really loved you he'd be with you" but as soon as a OP's A partner does just that they are the first to say things like "oh your celebrating a destruction of a marriage" or "wow your so smug". yes, and.....???? seems to me around here a OW/OM can't win Uh, why should they? The only way I can see if they win is if they cease the behavior that contributes to the hurting of other people. with some people no matter what, what would you call them? hypocrites perhaps? You can say what you did above about not being able to win, but do you know the meaning of the word "hypocrisy" to use it in the sentence as you did? Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Presumably you meant to write IF he gets the itch again No, i said WHEN and I mean when. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 He might never get the itch again.. btdt.. I was with my first MM for 18 years... Uh, he wasn't your husband, he was someone elses. He didn't itch because you scratched that itch for him for 18 years. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nextel Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 Why do you call him mm? He is the love of your life, surely he is worthy of being called more than mm? I see a trend for that in this forum! MM for me stands for My Man. I can't sit around worrying about the itch. I will cross that bridge if and when I get to it. In my eyes, an OW's stance is much different -- she may be in love with a man she wants to be with forever, but first it involves him leaving the one he made promises and commitments to. She is hoping he will *leave* his wife, whereas the wife is not "hoping" for anything... she feels secure that she is in a committed relationship with a trustworthy man who vowed to forsake all others for her. The W and the OW are in very very different positions and should have very very different expectations, in my opinion. Thats the beauty about eyes, isn't it. We see things differently. What you see might be the norm, but things are different on this side. W is the one doing everything possible by hoping that MM stays with her. To the contrary, she is not secure about her R. I am secure about my R with MM. Its me he is with in public and in private. She is very aware that he wants out and there is no secret about who he is seeing. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 (edited) Thats the beauty about eyes, isn't it. We see things differently. What you see might be the norm, but things are different on this side. W is the one doing everything possible by hoping that MM stays with her. To the contrary, she is not secure about her R. I am secure about my R with MM. Its me he is with in public and in private. She is very aware that he wants out and there is no secret about who he is seeing. Understood, except I didn't mean that your situation was or wasn't the norm... I was talking about expectations upon getting married and expectations upon being the other woman. I was simply responding to OWoman's comment because I find the idea of comparing an OW's "trust" in her MM with a W's trust in her H/ marriage (especially at the beginning of a marriage, when H is standing there vowing to be faithful to her) pretty ridiculous. It doesn't seem like a lot of single OW have any idea what it means to be a wife and to be married to someone for a very long time. Some of them have a tendency to think that life and relationships are always going to be rosy and exciting. I think they are in for a big surprise. It's like they say, oh poor MM isn't getting his needs met by his wife, but they think that they will always be able to meet his needs. What they don't realize right away is that sometimes MM is just selfish and his "needs" include having a wife at home to make him feel comfortable and an OW on the side to make him feel excited. Some men (and women) are just like that, they aren't marriage material no matter who they're with. I wouldn't want to be either the W or the OW of such an MM. And I am speaking from experience, not out of judgment. But I'm not trying to rain on your parade, I was just commenting on OWoman's post. I'm happy that you are no longer an OW. I don't know much about your situation but I am glad that your MM has stepped up to the plate and taken action to be with you. Edited March 1, 2008 by nadiaj2727 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 I am secure about my R with MM. Its me he is with in public and in private. She is very aware that he wants out and there is no secret about who he is seeing. So, he hasn't actually left her yet? Sorry, last time you posted I thought he'd finally told her it was over and she had to move out, the marriage was ending in D. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 Uh, he wasn't your husband, he was someone elses. He didn't itch because you scratched that itch for him for 18 years. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. No, he moved with me..and they got the divorce not too long after... We never married.. I am against marriage... I didn't scratch that itch more than anyone else living common-law or married for 18 years with the same person.. He never cheated on me.. (not that I know of).. he was with me 24/7.. it was even too much as far as I was concerned... we were always doing everything together.. well 99% of the time.. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 well 99% of the time.. You know better Lizzie... it is that 1% that counts Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 You know better Lizzie... it is that 1% that counts I know.. I know.. but I never really cared.. I wanted him to get a mistress at one point... he was angry at me for even proposing.. He knew I was serious.. I didn't want sex with him anymore.. His loss! Link to post Share on other sites
Author nextel Posted March 1, 2008 Author Share Posted March 1, 2008 So, he hasn't actually left her yet? Sorry, last time you posted I thought he'd finally told her it was over and she had to move out, the marriage was ending in D. My response has been pretty consistent about him moving out. He does not need to move out of HIS house and unstablize the children. Besides, he does not need to move into my house that has 3 bedrooms. He filed for D and since she wont leave, he is doing what he has to do. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 The W and the OW are in very very different positions and should have very very different expectations, in my opinion. I disagree. Both the W and the OW are taking on a huge risk in trusting the guy. It's all a crapshoot. We can sympathize with one side more than the other all we want. It doesn't change the fact that loving a man puts any woman in a vulnerable position to be hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 It doesn't change the fact that loving a man puts any woman in a vulnerable position to be hurt. Oh wow - isn't that true! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 It doesn't seem like a lot of single OW have any idea what it means to be a wife and to be married to someone for a very long time. Some of them have a tendency to think that life and relationships are always going to be rosy and exciting. I think they are in for a big surprise. On the contrary, if you actually looked into people's you'd see that a great many OWs HAVE been married and have EVERY idea what it means to be a W, having been one. Many of us have btdt and moved on, and while there are SOME OW who've never been M it's bizarre to assume that the experience of some is the experience of all. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 I disagree. Both the W and the OW are taking on a huge risk in trusting the guy. It's all a crapshoot. We can sympathize with one side more than the other all we want. It doesn't change the fact that loving a man puts any woman in a vulnerable position to be hurt. Yes, gender aside, loving anyone in general puts anyone in a vulnerable position to be hurt. I think that's why we should be discriminating and careful about who we love and what we do about our feelings. It doesn't completely reduce the risk, but to me, it's a heck of a lot better than "dating" a married man and opening oneself up to all of that risk. In my opinion a person who helps a cheater cheat is taking *less* of a risk than a faithful partner who marries someone who swears to be faithful to her. I don't have much sympathy for someone who helps someone cheat and then says "how could he cheat on me?" Yes, it's still a betrayal, but come on, you knew he had the tendency to cheat, you just think your s*it won't ever stink and he won't ever do it to you because you're oh so special. (Of course I am not addressing this to you, openbook, just a general "you", which applies to me as an exOW as well). Whether or not he will ever cheat on you will be shown with time, and I am not saying he is guaranteed to cheat on you. But his *ability* to cheat is crystal clear until he fixes himself, as is yours, until you fix yourself. (again, a general "you") Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 On the contrary, if you actually looked into people's you'd see that a great many OWs HAVE been married and have EVERY idea what it means to be a W, having been one. Many of us have btdt and moved on, and while there are SOME OW who've never been M it's bizarre to assume that the experience of some is the experience of all. I meant single OW who have never been married. Sorry for not clarifying better. But I did say "SOME" OW. I know that the experience of some is not the experience of all, and boy am I glad for that. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 My response has been pretty consistent about him moving out. He does not need to move out of HIS house and unstablize the children. Besides, he does not need to move into my house that has 3 bedrooms. He filed for D and since she wont leave, he is doing what he has to do. Don't you think that he should move out since he is the one who wants divorced and he is the one seeing a new person, not in his family? I don't understand your reasoning but maybe I am missing something or maybe we are just different. I was so annoyed at my xMM when he wanted his *WIFE* to be the one to file for divorce. I was like, "um, you are the one who wants divorced and who is seeing me, and she is the one who is trying to save the marriage. You are just too much of a coward to look like the "bad guy" and step up and do what it takes to get divorced." (Or else it was just his excuse to stay amrried and stay tied to his house, etc. He had a lot of those.) But that is just my experience. I would not have been cool with him trying to kick his wife out. I say, if you want something bad enough, you do it, you do it, and you take all the consequences and risk that may come with it. Otherwise, you just stay married to your wife (supposedly waiting for her to come around and decide to file for divorce) and you guys stay joint owners of your house and I will go on my merry little way, because there is no place for me in that scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
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