why can't I just have both?

[dazed101]

I'm writng in fear that nobody will be able to help me out in my situation or someone will say those dreaded words''follow your heart''. My response, ''My heart leads me in both ways''.

 

Here goes:

I have never been one to get myself in a relationship, excepts for recently. I have had a boyfriend now for 2 months. I know that this is a short amoutn of time and you can't exactly ''see'' a future,But I still feel as if we will be together for awhile. For me this means a lot. Evereything is going really well and I know i care about him a lot. The truth is I gave a big part of myself to him[aka virginity].

 

Now I will lead you to the confusing part of the last two weeks of my life.I recently met this guy and have been spending enough time with him to realise that I might actually like him more than I should. I know that it's not technically ''cheating'' but I still feel as if I am doing somehitng wrong. In fact I know I am b/c when I put myself in my b/f shoes I would be devestated. Before this goes any farther I would liek to mention that I have never kissed or in the very least held hands with this guy.Only some very sincere text messaging has been going on

 

I don't know if things inbetween my b/f and I got to serious to fast and if I am looking for that ''fun'' I once had, or if I am just not readyt o be in a commited relationship. I know I care for my b/f, I don't like thinking of things being over. Then again this other guy is so much fun to be around and so hard to resist my urges to just kiss him. On one hand my b/f is going to go to the same college as me, this other guy is going 4 hours away but insists that it could work..................I am so confused and sick to my stomache. I don't want to hurt either one. I know that it is unfair to have both.............but y not?

[Tony T]

You have no power to hurt other people. They choose to be hurt. You cannot imprison yourself and become sentenced to be with your current boyfriend for the rest of your life because you're afraid he will be hurt. That's his problem.

 

Looking out for you and your happiness is looking out for your boyfriend's. In the longrun, he would much rather you be happy with somebody else than to go through life with him and have serious doubts like you do now.

 

You are young and you may go through dozens of guys, long and short term, before you find Mr. Right. Be honest and upfront with your guy and tell him you don't feel you want to be in a committed relationship at this time. Let him know you want to date around, him and others as well. If he can't take that, then forget him.

 

You need people in your life who are concerned about your happiness as well as that of others. If you don't look out for your ownself, nobody else will. Explore different situations, meet new people, date around and keep looking. One day you will find a guy and there will be no desire whatsoever to further explore. Then you can say you've met Mr. Right. Until then, knock yourself out.

[jitters]

I don't know if this will help. IMHO virginity is made too much of. I know the first time is a big deal. But at the same time, just because you shared an (or some) intimate time with someone doesn't make you chained to them forever.

 

I would talk to the current b/f and explain as gently as possible that you would like to cool off a bit while you explore your feelings. Maybe things got a little too hot too soon - even if that's not exactly the case, he should understand if you need some time to think about this fairly big change in your life. At the same time (if you can bring it up) explain that you don't want to hurt him, but that you need some time to sort out some unresolved feelings for someone else.

 

It's an awkward situation - I've been through it myself - but you have to be honest with yourself and with the guys too. It's much easier if everything is out in the open. Then you can decide where you want to be.

 

Lastly you mention that you are going to college. I don't know if this applies to everyone but for myself I found that going away to school opened my eyes to so many new people and experiences. I ended up breaking up with my high school b/f very soon after I started University. And now I am glad of that though at the time it was hard. You will meet so many new people with different backgrounds and experiences.

Anyway good luck with it.