Am I cheating?

[henryfirst]

I'm 29 married and have 2 small babies. My wife is irreplaceble and I love her very much. Everything is very good but I'm not fullfilled on the sexual level. Not my wife's fault that I have more sexual needs to satisfy in order to be happy. I would be fine if I met an escort once a month but its illegal and unavailable.

 

I got very sexually attracted to a girl at work, so I smiled at her whenever I saw her, she smiled back.

 

She found my phone number and called me, she told me that she would like to chat with me on the internet and that she will not call me again on my phone since she knew I was married.

 

The horny person I am, I have been chatting with her on the internet for 2 weeks now and I'm already starting to feel guilty. Had it been pure sex I wouldn't have even felt any guilt.

 

It seems that she is very attracted to me, or maybe she wants me to feel this way because she has some hidden agenda.

 

I told her that I couldn't take her out on a date since I'm married and we can only chat as friends, she replied yes, but gradually increased her frequency and depth of contact. Now she's using words like I'm missing you.

 

Now here's what I want to know first:

- Is she a professional home wrecker? She leads men on until they trip at a certain point and then she tells the wife.

- Is she a gold digger? She's in need of money one can tell (she makes it very clear) and I'm a guy who just may have an extra buck.

- Is she also sexually interested? This would be a nice case scenario, get it on, get if off, go home, sleep long and strong. But she avoids sexual topics and changes the subject whenever she feels that oh here's a joke with a sexual twist.

- Is she really attracted to me? Ok, she is 5 years older than me, but why stick with a regular joe who's married and works 2 jobs, when you can literarily get hundreds of interested hunks on dating websites? She said that she respects me a lot and that she will always be available when I want to chat or call.

- She just wants to be friends? It can't be. I have female friends, they insist to meet my wife, they call openly and literarily treat me as if I were a brother rather than a man they know.

 

Can someone guess what this woman wants?

 

And do you think I'm cheating by chatting?

Edited February 1, 2008 by henryfirst

[d2darow]

I may not have such an experience before (maybe cause I'm not married nor working yet) but honestly, to your second question...

You're not literally cheating, but it shows that you're interested and somewhere deep inside you want to see where all that chatting will lead. That would lead to cheating, I believe.

Why not talk to your wife about your needs? Have an open relationship, don't hide anything from your wife. Your likes, dislikes, needs etc. Talking really works.

As for the Succubus in your office... She may have some personal agenda too that you may not know of. Maybe she just came out of a relationship and is feeling rebellious (I'm not sure if she's married, so I'm guessing otherwise) or she's simply doing it for the thrill of being a tease and flirtatious.

Whatever her reasons may be, I doubt she has any noble intentions...

[whichwayisup]

Did you forget you were married? Forget your vows?

 

If you are horny and your wife isn't doing it for you, talk to her and maybe she'll want to have more sex with you if you meet some of her needs. My guess is she's busy with the kids, you feel neglected and don't pay much attention wooing your own wife, making her feel loved and sexy...And then when you want sex, you expect her to come running to you, except she isn't in the mood. Going outside of the marriage is only going to make things worse. You'll either bring home a nasty STD or your wife will bust you. Either way all this can be avoided by you talking to your wife AND not putting ALL your emphasis on sex and how much you want it.

 

Whatever happened to good old masturbation?

[Duck n' Bunnies]

I'm glad you have chosen to post your feelings before actually taking the next step. It's good to always make sure your head is clear before going into something that could change your life forever!

 

This is not a lecture, it is simply a statement of facts!

 

Do I think this is cheating? Well... ask yourself this... would you like it if your wife was doing what you are doing right now? Think about your wife craving for another man... a man that isn't you, beacause she doesn't find you satisfy her enough?

 

If you feel guilty, then you probably have a reason for feeling guilty. Picture your wife... if you told her... would she cry? would she become angry? would she leave you? what would it do to her emotional state? would she ever trust you again?... would she ever trust you again?... would she ever trust you again?... and most importantly do you care? I think you do based on the fact that you admit to feeling guilt. People don't just feel guilt for no reason. If your wife is irriplaceable, why are you willing to replace her (and I mean that both as a sexual partner and as someone who loves and respects you)? I've never known a wife who has been cheated on, especially one who just had 2 babies, be truely OK with her husband sleeping with other woman... and even if she says shes fine with it... emotions begin to bottle up. If she did agree to it, she is more than likely saying it because she feels guilty and dissapointed in herself that she can't live up to your standards. Can you imagine how someone feels if they hear "Your sex is not enough for me?" It's devistating!

 

Now, on to the other woman!

 

From a womans point of view, a woman doesn't ask to "be a friend" unless she wants more from the situation.... If she wanted to be your friend, she would do just that and not have to state it as a fact. If she is saying "I miss you" then she is becoming emotionally attatched... it sounds like she is building feelings for you, and that can end up messy. I think if you did sleep with her, it would turn into a major emotional mess! "I miss you" would turn to "Look at how happy we are, why don't you leave your wife for me? How can you turn your back on something so wonderful?" As far as I am concerned, this woman may not be interested in wreaking your homelife, because she doesn't care about your wife. The only person she is aiming to please is herself.... and you for now...and it sounds clear to me that she may be interested in starting a relationship. I don't think money has anything to do with it. What I do think you should consider is this....

 

If you tell a woman "Im married and can't be nothing more to you than a friend" do you expect her to say... "Oh! But I really really like you and I want to so bad! Come on! PLEEEEEEAASE?" No! They will say something like "Oh, I know, and I understand, I wouldn't want to ever break up anything you have with your wife. I respect you, bla bla bla" Women know how to play this game... they begin by agreeing to everything you say, doing what you want them to do, and slowly draw you into them. Then comes the over emotional blast.

 

Good Luck!

[Cad Rake]

Can someone guess what this woman wants?

 

Um yeah we're all mind readers here. Read a few paragraphs about somebody and we can do a full psychological profile and tell you exactly what she's after.

[lost4ever]

I'm sorry, It seems to me you are asking if her intentions are true on just wanting sex, or if she plans on using you for something else.

 

what's wrong with you, seriously.

 

and if the question is are you going to be able to do this and not get caught the answer is NO

[LucreziaBorgia]

Its not mystery really. She was probably in an emotionally vulnerable state. You pursued her, she responded, you chatted, she is becoming emotionally attached. Generally speaking, men can do the "no strings sex" thing very easily, but women usually end up emotionally attached. It sounds like this is the case here.

 

 

Is she a homewrecker? Dunno. Chances are, if she sees that you are pursuing her she may think your home is wrecked enough already and that if you are looking on the outside you are considering leaving to be with someone else (common misunderstanding in MM/OW relationships).

 

Will she tell your wife? Never put anything past a woman scorned. Plenty of OW are more than happy to be discreet when they think there will be a payoff in the end that will make it worth it. If that payoff doesn't come, then they become angry and see that while they are heartbroken and distraught, you are going home to wifey like nothing ever happened. That will not do. Nope, not at all. Time to call the wifey and make sure your life gets as f*cked up as you made hers.

 

Gold digger? Maybe, but gold diggers usually come across as more open to no strings sex, because its your wallet they lust after not you. She sounds more like she is getting emotionally attached.

 

Is she sexually interested? Probably, but she clearly wants more than sex. She is trying to establish an emotional connection before she goes ahead with the sexual one. That will make you more likely to stick around for more than no strings sex. (Another common misunderstanding in MM/OW relationships).

 

Is she attracted to you? Probably. Why not go after some other guy? Because you came after her.

 

Does she want just friends? No. If she did, she would not be agreeing to do this behind your wife's back.

 

Are you cheating by chatting? That doesn't matter really. What you are doing is making a terrible mistake here. You want a prostitute, she wants a boyfriend. You will want to end it right now, immediately before you get yourself into a situation you don't want to be in.

[Spoonandfork22]

this is why the internet has become the #1 cheating source!!

 

Youre not cheating, yet, but youre certainly entertaining the idea. What if you found out your wife was chatting up some guy from work who was more than willing to bed her. How would that make you feel? I know its always harder to put yourself in the other situation but with something like this you have to. Think of where this could put you. Youre married, you have children. Im sure youre wife has no clue. If you love her, you will talk to her about this. Guide her in the bedroom. This isnt a hard situation to overcome, although it may take some work. My bf and I had a similar situation and I cant say im completely satisfied at this point but I love him dearly and wouldnt think of cheating on him due to a sexual matter.

 

You need to tell this woman to get lost and stop anticipating speaking with her. Have you ever seen fatal attraction? Beware...their are crazy women out there who will do anything to homewreck or get what they want. What if she decides to make a phone call to the wife one day? Or 'accidentally' call the house? You have to think of all the problems this would cause, even if those problems seem far fetched.

 

Marraige is work and communication is key. Dont sabotage your marraige because someone else is giving you attention. Address the issue WITH YOUR WIFE head on and get rid of the skeez. This can only end in trouble.

[henryfirst]

Yeah, here's what happened:

I said we gotta slow down the chatting cause I aint got time

She said she got feelings for me

I said feelings and Im married is not a good thing so we might as well block each other out

I asked her to block me and I blocked her

She would want revenge or something, but what for? all we did was chat online for 2 weeks. No biggie. Unless she's a real psycho I think I'm safe

She called twice I explained to her that I respect her but I got take care of my family and that she's go to respect my request. I tried to remind her that all we did was online chat, and if this filled her up with feelings for me then she'll forget me totally in 2 weeks as well.

[Leia]

Good job! Now you have to make sure you keep NC!!

[whichwayisup]

If she is freaky, she could easily get ahold of your wife and tell her what you've been up to, especially if she has deep feelings for you. You probably led her on and fed her afew good lines, so don't put all the blame on her. To you all it was, was chatting, but maybe she really DID fall for you. And yes, it would be nice if she respected your request, but you aren't respecting your wife, your marriage so why should she? Did you bash your wife or say anything negative to her? If so, uhhh, and she is freaky, she's kept ALL your conversations.

Does she know your real name? Have your phone number? You don't know this woman at all, nor does she know you. You two flirted and crossed lines, fantasy like...In real life things change so I really hope she doesn't turn into a bunnyboiler - Ever see fatal attraction???? Protect your kids...

 

YES, I AM trying to scare you!!!!!!!!

 

WAKE UP and focus that energy into your wife and marriage, into being the best father you can be. I bet you want your kids to look up to you, respect and be in awe of you, right? If that's a yes, then STOP messing around on your family, be a man and a father, grow up and get counselling to help you cope with your mid life crisis, or whatever it is that is going on inside your head.

 

Sorry for the harsh advice, but you have a GOOD thing going at home and you're making some real bad and selfish choices!

[SimpleyMe]

If you are not satisfied sexually with your wife chances are she is'nt even close to being satisfied sexually with you either.

 

Make her feel special get to know her again and what she likes you to do to her sexually and tell her what you like her to do to you.

 

Help her get the kids to bed early one night so you and her can spend some alone time together.

 

Try and spark up the passion again it is possible,just remember your wife has needs to it's not only you.

[prisonbreak]

Who cares what SHE's thinking, the question is, what are YOU thinking?

 

You are treading dangerous waters here.

 

But....I'm glad you decided to post here first...good job!!!! You already know the answer to this. Trust me, it's NOT worth it. Even if she was the hottest thing that ever walked this earth...it's not worth it. The energy you spent emailing her, use toward rekindeling things with your woman. That's one thing you'll never regret.

 

I'm glad to hear you've stopped...good job. Now do something about your marriage, so you won't put yourself in another dangerous situation.

[directx]

Woah! What's this mean?

"The horny person I am, I have been chatting with her on the internet for 2 weeks now and I'm already starting to feel guilty. Had it been pure sex I wouldn't have even felt any guilt."

How would not feel guilt if it was pure sex? I don't understand that mentality.And how are you are not satisfied sexually? are you bored with your wife or she doesn't do what you like?

 

You love your wife, and this woman is trouble. I don't think there is any love with this new woman, so you should end it in my opinion. Not worth it

[Ronni_W]

Congrats on choosing to block your chats and phone calls. As others have suggested, do whatever it takes to stay committed to that very wise choice.

 

To answer the question posed in your subject line...if you suspect it strongly enough to ask the question, then you're probably right.

 

Everything is very good but I'm not fullfilled on the sexual level. Not my wife's fault that I have more sexual needs to satisfy in order to be happy. I would be fine if I met an escort once a month but its illegal and unavailable.

Your wife is likely overwhelmed with the tasks and tedious chores of looking after 2 babies, a husband, your home and, if she works outside your home, her job. That is, "everything" may be "very good" for you, but it is not necessarily so for your wife.

 

If you wish, you can discuss with her ways of alleviating some of her workload. I hear that you're working two jobs but that is not the be all and end all of a man's responsibilities to his wife, children and home.

 

Make the time, and spend it connecting with your wife as adults and romantic partners (not just parents and bill payers.) Help her feel sexy and desirable; and help her find ways to free up her schedule so she'll have energy to reignite her own 'spark'.

 

Trade babysitting services with friends and family to give you some "alone time." If you're not already doing so, help out around the house yourself, or hire someone, or barter for it. Maybe there are local high school students who could use a bit of extra cash.

 

- Is she a professional home wrecker? She leads men on until they trip at a certain point and then she tells the wife.

No. That would be YOU wrecking your home and CHOOSING to be "tripped up". Within your marriage and your family life, you would hold all the responsibility for that.

[henryfirst]

Good job! Now you have to make sure you keep NC!!

 

what do you mean by NC?

[henryfirst]

I spoke to my wife and she said that she is not interested in sex. I informed her that I will try to find an escort and she said it's ok as long as I do it safe and keep it down to just sex.

[Replicant]

I'm 29 married and have 2 small babies. My wife is irreplaceble and I love her very much. Everything is very good but I'm not fullfilled on the sexual level. Not my wife's fault that I have more sexual needs to satisfy in order to be happy. I would be fine if I met an escort once a month but its illegal and unavailable.

 

Henry first needs to learn to become henry second providing you love your wife and small kids. Instead of pondering escorts and all this cheating. You'd be more of a man to discuss this with your wife and both work at ramping up the sex life to where it works for both of you. Instead of choosing a more selfish and cowardly approach to dealing with the matter.

[OpenBook]

Henry first needs to learn to become henry second providing you love your wife and small kids. Instead of pondering escorts and all this cheating. You'd be more of a man to discuss this with your wife and both work at ramping up the sex life to where it works for both of you. Instead of choosing a more selfish and cowardly approach to dealing with the matter.

 

Uh, he HAS talked to his W. And she has quite clearly informed him that she's not interested in meeting his sexual needs. She even told him to go get it elsewhere. If I was Henry, I'd waste no time.

[Ronni_W]

I spoke to my wife and she said that she is not interested in sex. I informed her that I will try to find an escort and she said it's ok as long as I do it safe and keep it down to just sex.

Henry,

Right now that may seem like a wise choice and the easy answer to all your prayers. Please just consider that if you open up your marriage in this way, it also leaves the space in which she will feel equally entitled should she ever meet someone who knows how to make her feel sexually attractive and alive.

 

At the very least, you may want to ensure for yourself that she has not just "given up and given in" out of deep despair and resentment. Those would not be good dynamics to have in your marital relationship...whether or not you do go the escort route.

 

Best of luck.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm 29 married and have 2 small babies. My wife is irreplaceble and I love her very much. Everything is very good but I'm not fullfilled on the sexual level. Not my wife's fault that I have more sexual needs to satisfy in order to be happy. I would be fine if I met an escort once a month but its illegal and unavailable.

 

I got very sexually attracted to a girl at work, so I smiled at her whenever I saw her, she smiled back.

 

She found my phone number and called me, she told me that she would like to chat with me on the internet and that she will not call me again on my phone since she knew I was married.

 

The horny person I am, I have been chatting with her on the internet for 2 weeks now and I'm already starting to feel guilty. Had it been pure sex I wouldn't have even felt any guilt.

 

It seems that she is very attracted to me, or maybe she wants me to feel this way because she has some hidden agenda.

 

I told her that I couldn't take her out on a date since I'm married and we can only chat as friends, she replied yes, but gradually increased her frequency and depth of contact. Now she's using words like I'm missing you.

 

Now here's what I want to know first:

- Is she a professional home wrecker? She leads men on until they trip at a certain point and then she tells the wife.

- Is she a gold digger? She's in need of money one can tell (she makes it very clear) and I'm a guy who just may have an extra buck.

- Is she also sexually interested? This would be a nice case scenario, get it on, get if off, go home, sleep long and strong. But she avoids sexual topics and changes the subject whenever she feels that oh here's a joke with a sexual twist.

- Is she really attracted to me? Ok, she is 5 years older than me, but why stick with a regular joe who's married and works 2 jobs, when you can literarily get hundreds of interested hunks on dating websites? She said that she respects me a lot and that she will always be available when I want to chat or call.

- She just wants to be friends? It can't be. I have female friends, they insist to meet my wife, they call openly and literarily treat me as if I were a brother rather than a man they know.

 

Can someone guess what this woman wants?

 

And do you think I'm cheating by chatting?

 

 

Are you F-ing stupid!!! If I was your wife I would divorce you based on principle alone!!!!!

 

Everything I highlighted from what you said screamed selfish and cheater. If you dont want to be married and play the field be honest and tell your wife. Dont be a coward about it!

 

And yes you are cheating!!!!

 

Dumbass.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Walk away. If your wife won't give you what you want, then either live with the life you have or divorce. But doing both, will hurt everyone.