dating vs. getting engaged

[KenzieAbsolutely]

do people really think that a longer engagement is pointless? i don't get it. i was just reading in another thread and it seems like a lot of people think that if you don't run out and pick out your dress the day after your proposal, you might as well just be 'still dating'.

 

we wanted to get engaged, so we did. we can't wait to get married, but we have had a longer engagement than some, i'm sure. a lot of our problem is that we have too many options and everything sounds so wonderful, we just can't decide most of the time! a big wedding, a small one, at home or on an island, what season? what dress? so many decisions, and when you're a procrastinating perfectionist...well, this is bad.

 

marriage is in our future and we have shown it to each other and our families and friends through our engagement. we didn't set a date for quite a while, simply because we weren't sure what we wanted, when, and where. but we're well past the 'just dating' stage.

 

i also hated it after a while when certain people would ask if we'd made plans yet (as was mentioned in the other thread) because when these people asked us and kept asking, they were doing it with that 'if you didn't plan it yet, you're not serious about it and your relationship is a joke' judgment, and it's hurtful...because it's supposed to be about US, not them. it's like, how dare you? if they ask because they genuinely want to know, then it's no big deal...but you can usually tell the genuine ones from the judgers.

 

so i just wondered, for those who are engaged, how long have you been engaged, or how long were you engaged before you got married? do you think the length of it had any bearing on your marriage? was anybody engaged so long they eventually broke up before the wedding? or so short that they made the wrong decision and divorced?

 

i've just found it mildly insulting (more insulting when it's family or friends) that other people think your commitment isn't a real one simply because you took your time, or more time than they personally would, to make sure everything was right and just how you wanted it.

 

what do others think? i won't be offended by your opinions, i know my engagement is more than 'just dating with a ring on'. we're in love, and i'm ready to get married. to me, and to him, the wedding part is exciting, but not the point...the marriage is the point, and that's what we're trying to get to. our engagement to each other is proof that we are both ready to marry..that's the one thing we've been sure of the whole time. and to me, that's what should be the most important thing...not how fast we race to the vows. we never felt the need to rush it. and now when it does happen, it will be an amazing experience for us because we did it our way.

 

i was just curious how others felt, and why you do or don't think this way.

 

also, any wedding advice is welcome.

Edited February 1, 2008 by KenzieAbsolutely

[Nemo]

we wanted to get engaged, so we did.

Excellent.

marriage is in our future and we have shown it to each other

That's not unusual these days. I assume that you were suitably impressed, and that's why you accepted.

was anybody engaged so long they eventually broke up before the wedding?

I think if people stayed engaged for longer, then the divorce rate would be much less unsettling. I think 10-15 years should sort out those that are serious, from those that just want a truckload of presents (and the focus on me, me, me - if only for a day).

[Letranger]

So it sounds like people are giving you a problem.

Just remind them nicely but firmly: Every marriage is different. Every engagement is different (and, hopefully you won't have to learn this - every divorce is different).

 

With a wedding and engagement, I believe its a great and acceptable time for you both to be selfish and do things the way you want (emphasis on BOTH).

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

I think if people stayed engaged for longer, then the divorce rate would be much less unsettling. I think 10-15 years should sort out those that are serious, from those that just want a truckload of presents (and the focus on me, me, me - if only for a day).

 

you always amuse me.

 

and yes, i agree with this last part a lot. i don't think people should rush anything really, especially if it's for all the wrong reason, and to make other people happy. if you know you're getting married, how can taking a little extra time hurt?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

So it sounds like people are giving you a problem.

Just remind them nicely but firmly: Every marriage is different. Every engagement is different (and, hopefully you won't have to learn this - every divorce is different).

 

With a wedding and engagement, I believe its a great and acceptable time for you both to be selfish and do things the way you want (emphasis on BOTH).

 

thanks for this.

 

and we don't really have people giving us too a hard time, it's just the little comments here and there from the more judgmental people we know who have made it a point to show how they feel...when really, their opinions don't matter and we know it. i just wonder why people think they way they think, i guess, and why they would want to belittle something that should be so incredible and happy and reduce it to a 'why bother then?' thing.

 

when i read some of the comments in the other thread, i saw more people who see it as a 'why bother' thing if you don't rush right into your wedding plans, so i kind of just wondered why. well, that i wanted to show that some people take their time because they want to and they can...not because they're unsure, or one is dragging the other into unwanted nuptials.

 

of course, if we planned it too quickly, then everyone would think we were pregnant. i guess there pitfalls to everything.

[Letranger]

And please remember - hopefully you will only be engaged once - so like anything that is good that you only do once, don't rush it! Enjoy it as long as you can because hopefully you will never get to experience it again

[Nemo]

you always amuse me.

Thank you for the kind words. Of course, my prime focus on LS is all about making informative and insightful comments. I might have a little fun now and then, just to try to cheer the OP up, but I will only take that liberty at the end of an otherwise rock-hard post.

[Nemo]

Enjoy it as long as you can because hopefully you will never get to experience it again

Great advice for the wedding night, there. More and more people are saving anal for when they get married.

[Storyrider]

I think there is a danger that the arc of your passion will be falling as the arc of excitement over the wedding is rising.

[Nemo]

I think there is a danger that the arc of your passion will be falling as the arc of excitement over the wedding is rising.

Exactly. I've changed my mind - do it! Do it now!!!!!

[Nemo]

So... have you done it, yet?

[allina]

I personally am not in favor of the long engagement. No I don't believe that you must start dress shopping the day after he proposes but some sort of idea of time frames is important to me. Of course this isn't true for all long engagements but a lot of them seem to fall under the category of the woman wanting the engagement but the couple not having any solid plans to marry. In my opinion an engagement says "we're getting married" not "we might get married some day"

[Citizen Erased]

I think what works for you and your relationship is all that matters. Anyone who wants to detract from your happiness as an engaged couple should learn some manners and keep their little opinions to themselves. Be strong, inform them it is your and your fiance's choice and you find there is nothing further to discuss on the issue.

 

You have taken a huge step becoming engaged, take your own path, not that which everyone thinks you should take.

[allina]

Anyone who wants to detract from your happiness as an engaged couple should learn some manners and keep their little opinions to themselves. Be strong, inform them it is your and your fiance's choice and you find there is nothing further to discuss on the issue.

 

 

It's unlikely that people who question an engaged couple with "have you set the date" and "when are you getting married" mean anything malicious by it. I think that's just what people say to engaged people right after "congratulations"

[sb129]

Great advice for the wedding night, there. More and more people are saving anal for when they get married.

 

Evil. You are evil. You know why.

 

On topic:

My fiance and I got engaged a year after we started dating, and we are getting married next Jan.

 

Neither of us felt there was any point in waiting any longer because we are both in our early 30s and want to start a family soon (ish). We have both done alot of travelling and our careers are established, so there isn't really any point waiting. We haven't had anyone tell us they think we are rushing things, but if we were in our early 20s they may have done.

 

Every situation is different, and everyone has their reasons for doing what they do.

Don't let others influence that- only you truly know your own R.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

It's unlikely that people who question an engaged couple with "have you set the date" and "when are you getting married" mean anything malicious by it. I think that's just what people say to engaged people right after "congratulations"

 

i do believe this is true, for the most part. it is natural to be curious, not to mention polite, to ask people questions about what's going on their lives, of course. i don't mind when people are actually curious and want to know because they care.

 

there are certain family we have, though, that have made it a point to ask us about our plans in a way that was mocking. that's what i'm talking about. the same people who ask every time, with that evil look in their eyes, even though we would say "as soon as we know, everyone else will know! nothing yet" or whatever. the same people who would say "oh my god, you're not working yet!" if you just lost a job, or "are you ever going to back to school, your degree isn't enough to get you anywhere" and the like. rude, mocking people, they are.

 

so yeah, i don't mind if people ask me, but i don't like feeling mocked for my decisions. i love talking wedding stuff with mostly everyone, especially the already marrieds who give great advice and say "i wish i did this, i would have done this differently because..." it's wonderful feedback.

 

so, i guess when we got engaged, we were sort of the 'we're getting married...someday' couple, because we didn't know right away when it would be. what was important to us was that we made the decision to get married...no matter what day it was.

 

thanks everybody for your opinions and insights.

[blind_otter]

With my exH, we were engaged for 17 months before the wedding. I was a planner, so I started planning a few months after we got engaged. IMO it takes at least a year of planning to have a good wedding, depending on how many bells and whistles you want. I even picked out the vases of the flower arrangements on the tables at the reception. I also designed all the floral arrangements and bouquets. I reserved the reception hall a year in advance, and also reserved my photographers a year in advance. They were very popular in the Southeast and get booked VERY quickly.

 

Funny enough, I think that 17 months is a relatively long engagement, but my marriage barely laster 4 years.

 

My SO wants to get married now....in fact he tells all his friends/family that we are engaged. But I told him we can't get married until 2015. I picked a date at random that seemed far away in the future. So that will be a REALLY long engagement, har har har.

[Nemo]

http://thelongestlistofthelongeststuffatthelongestdomainnameatlonglast.com/long292.html

[KenzieAbsolutely]

With my exH, we were engaged for 17 months before the wedding. I was a planner, so I started planning a few months after we got engaged. IMO it takes at least a year of planning to have a good wedding, depending on how many bells and whistles you want. I even picked out the vases of the flower arrangements on the tables at the reception. I also designed all the floral arrangements and bouquets. I reserved the reception hall a year in advance, and also reserved my photographers a year in advance. They were very popular in the Southeast and get booked VERY quickly.

 

Funny enough, I think that 17 months is a relatively long engagement, but my marriage barely laster 4 years.

 

My SO wants to get married now....in fact he tells all his friends/family that we are engaged. But I told him we can't get married until 2015. I picked a date at random that seemed far away in the future. So that will be a REALLY long engagement, har har har.

 

too funny. and hey, if that's how you feel, i don't think it's up to anyone else to tell you to do differently.

 

thanks.

 

 

 

http://thelongestlistofthelongeststuffatthelongestdomainnameatlonglast.com/long292.html

 

HAHAHA. now that made me feel better...i could never wait that long.

[dropdeadlegs]

Since you and your fiance are happy, I see no problem with an engagement of whatever length works for you.

 

I have a similar problem. I'm not engaged nor do I ever expect to be. People say things like "when are you two getting married" and both of us answer "probably never, but thanks for asking." While we respect those who choose to marry, we just don't need a formal (ie: legal) marriage to consider ourselves as fully committed to each other as any married couple are.

 

I have been married twice, so my best wedding advice is to do it how you want it done. Societal pressure be damned! You said the marriage is what is important, and I agree it's far more important than the wedding. I think if I were to do it again I would have a civil service with only our kids present, since they would be the ones most affected by our union.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Since you and your fiance are happy, I see no problem with an engagement of whatever length works for you.

 

I have a similar problem. I'm not engaged nor do I ever expect to be. People say things like "when are you two getting married" and both of us answer "probably never, but thanks for asking." While we respect those who choose to marry, we just don't need a formal (ie: legal) marriage to consider ourselves as fully committed to each other as any married couple are.

 

I have been married twice, so my best wedding advice is to do it how you want it done. Societal pressure be damned! You said the marriage is what is important, and I agree it's far more important than the wedding. I think if I were to do it again I would have a civil service with only our kids present, since they would be the ones most affected by our union.

 

thank you for that. we have considered a civil service as well, but i worry we might one day regret not having more of celebration. i guess i'm just not very traditional, really, so that's made it pretty difficult.

 

after we get married, the next thing we'll be 'when will you have children?' and the answer will be even more fun to deal with, since it's 'never'.

[dropdeadlegs]

thank you for that. we have considered a civil service as well, but i worry we might one day regret not having more of celebration. i guess i'm just not very traditional, really, so that's made it pretty difficult.

 

after we get married, the next thing we'll be 'when will you have children?' and the answer will be even more fun to deal with, since it's 'never'.

Oh yeah, that will surely be the next round of questioning! And when you say "never" be prepared for all the "reasons why you should have kids" sermons. As a parent I could give you quite a diatribe of a response.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Oh yeah, that will surely be the next round of questioning! And when you say "never" be prepared for all the "reasons why you should have kids" sermons. As a parent I could give you quite a diatribe of a response.

 

haha, bring on the response! i'm used to answering this question, because i've always answered with 'never', but i have a feeling when i am finally married, everyone will decide that i must have changed my mind by then! i'll need a fresh new approach, i imagine.