a simple question (or not??)

[HilaryQ]

Assuming there are no consenting sub-dom issues in a relationship is it reasonable to assume that both partners are equal / have equal status?

 

If one partner starts claiming that they are better, more intelligent, generally superior etc should alarm bells be ringing ?

 

(This is a long relationship, no kids, both working full time bringing home good salaries)

 

I would be interested in your comments.

 

Thanks

[Pyro]

Anytime that a SO starts claiming that they are better then the other is always a huge red flag. If your SO is doing this, then he has no respect for you.

 

You may want to consider some sort of relationship counseling with this guy or consider dumping him.

[lost4ever]

I don't agree that anyone is better than anyone else. Some may have a better education, some may be blessed with a good heart...it's all subjective. If someone, anyone thinks they are better than you I wouldn't be waiting to hear bells, I would be planning my escape!

[SerenityX2]

Yes, BIG bells should be going off.

 

That's a sign (albeit subtle) of verbal abuse. Usually it will escalate in time (slowly) Sometimes even interspersed with periods of building you up. (I call this the building you up with one hand, and tearing you down with the other) It's a real mindf*ck.

 

PA can then also be triggered if you're with them long enough. I guess that would depend on the situation/person...I'm talking a span of years...it's the subtle way though that makes you think...maybe it's not so bad

 

I got out.

 

There's MUCH happiness on the other side if you let it. Good people won't put you down, not even jokingly.

 

GL

[sandflea]

I agree - it's abuse. Your SO is supposed be supportive, not your worst critic. You should counter with a list of reasons you're kicking him to the curb.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Eek. I would agree with all the prior posters. This just reeks. I honestly feel my husband is smarter than I am or at least as a better memory than I do. But if anyone where to ask him, he would disagree. Any who says they are better than you has their own issues to deal with and I wouldn't tolerate being told you're "less" than him or her.

 

Everyone has their strengths and weakness but to have be "better" than someone else just seems to me like a person who has self esteem issues where someone has to be "less" so they can be "more."

[SamZamboni]

What was the context of the claims?

[HilaryQ]

Dear All

 

Thanks for the replies - I must admit I was a little taken aback at their consistency.

 

SZ - It varies. It could be if I say in an argument ..."I know, I'm not stupid" he will reply "well that's open to debate" or if we are arguing he will say something along the lines of "don't try to be sarcastic - a person has to be clever to be sarcastic". That sort of thing.

 

On a more general level he pretty much dismisses the opinions I hold. For example if I ask if I can go out with a girl friend (which I have done about 5 times in 20+ years) he will always make a fuss and say that girls that go out together are off on the pull. Or if he sees people going jogging he'll say " look at them, aren't they pathetic running round in circles" knowing that I was running and racing for several years when I was younger.

 

It's just a general atmosphere where my views and opinions (even if they agree with the majority) are cast aside and his opinions are the correct ones.

 

Hilary

[HisLove]

People who want to belittle others usually feel that way about themselves. You're on the pull? Is that because that's what he'd be doing in the same circumstances? You're running around in circles and going nowhere? Is that how he feels about his own life?

 

I am really sensitive to this stuff. You know in your heart if something said or done isn't 'right' or it seems 'off'. Our instincts are good at picking up on those things, only we try to rationalise them away.

 

In the end I got to the point where I said (to myself, and him secondly) "It's not right", "It goes against my own morals and judgements", "what you think or your opinions are not better or more valid than my own", "what you do, think, or say does NOT sit well with me". I know what feels and sits right with me.

 

So I choose me.

 

I kid you not, because I am such a strong person, our relationship spiralled into something very ugly. I would not stay silent. It was a constant battle of wills and was very toxic.

 

If you think what he is saying is wrong, if you feel it demoralises or diminishes you, you are RIGHT. Believe in yourself.

[thankful15289]

I work in higher education. I've met some people who are genuinely brilliant, some who are genuine jerks, and many who are both.

 

Your husband may indeed be smarter than you, but for him to equate that with being better than you, in the sense that he deserves more or is superior is not only insulting, it is also wrong. The philosopher Immanuel Kant argues that the only truly good thing (good in itself) is a good will. Intelligence, physical strength, self-discipline: all of these are attributes that can be used for good or evil (serial killers have all three). It is not possessing gifts that makes us good people, but possessing the desire to use these gifts to help others rather than hurt them.

 

One hundred years from now the brilliant insights of my colleagues will be forgotten, while the impact of their lives on their children's character--for better or worse--will not.

[HilaryQ]

Thankful

 

I loved your comment........."I work in higher education. I've met some people who are genuinely brilliant, some who are genuine jerks, and many who are both."

 

I too work in higher education and can identify many of the people you are talking about :-)

 

Regarding education both my partner and I are graduates (and if truth be told my degree is a higher classification than his), but I don't think this is the issue. I think it is a more general controlling issue. I naturally shy away from conflict and have always changed my activities or opinions to take the path of least resistance. Probably a mistake, but if I argue or challenge, then, as HisLove commented, the relationship can become pretty awful pretty quickly. Then (in my partner's words) I become "arrogant and aggressive" and the whole thing slides into a mega argument.

 

Maybe my attitude has made it worse. Over the years I have let him have his own way so now he does it as a matter of course. Or maybe it is his upbringing: his mother believes that women are there to run the home and look after men and men should never have to lift a finger. Following this to its natural conclusion he is the boss and I am the servant and therefore his inferior. Or maybe he is just a bully and needs to have someone to control.

 

It sounds as if he is awful - yes he can be, but at many other times he is charming and good fun to be with. I'm just never sure which one he will be and when.

 

I originally asked the question because I read so may letters here and people can talk to their partners about problems on an equal basis - I always seen to be asking for things, like a child asking a parent. "Can I go and see my family?" not "I though we could go and see my family this weekend". I always seem to start conversations with fear - fear of ridicule, fear of being dismissed or fear of triggering an argument.

 

I don't know if I have taken on this role voluntarily or have had it pushed upon me but I sure am getting sick of living this way.

 

Hilary

[GeorgiaSongbird]

I would have to say if I told my DH I knew I wasn't stupid and he told me that it was open for debate.. I would feel really insulted and very belittled. That is not the type of thing I picture a loved one saying to another. It would just set me off and we would end up having what we call here a "come to Jesus meeting" about what I think of that kind of comment.

 

I know we all have buttons to push and yours may be different. And he must have some good qualities for you to stay but that kind of behavior would just send me over the edge. I, too, live in a very traditional part of the of the world where it is expected that women run the household and man has to be waited on. I don't let get used an excuse for my husband to expect this type of pattern in our marriage or treat me with anything but respect.. although I did get told very often after the break up my 1st marriage that this was the reason why (nm he slept with my BF and got another girl pregnant while we were married).

 

You should haven't "ask for permission" to live your even part of your life, and I define keeping your support groups and loves ones around you as part of living. Seeing your friends and family should not be on the "I Need Permission List." Period. And having to worrying that asking is going to trigger some backlash of some sort is just not acceptable, imo.

 

I would have a conversation with him about what you think are acceptable comments and behaviors if you are not happy living that way. But be warned, this is redefining the relationship you've had for a long time and he isn't likely to go into without some grief.