underpants Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Do you think it is possible that a former OW or OM could have a monogamous relationship with a single person after an affair experience? Would there always be the danger of slipping over that boundary once crossed? What do you think? I ask in all sincerity. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Using myself as an example, yes. I think that question is better asked of the straying spouse, the one who actually made a commitment and broke it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author underpants Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 (edited) Using myself as an example, yes. I think that question is better asked of the straying spouse, the one who actually made a commitment and broke it. Thank you for your input. I am directing the question at OW/OM. That is the perspective I am interested in. If the one who engaged as an affair partner would be high risk to be involved with, post affair stuff. Edited February 1, 2008 by underpants Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 I agree with Star. I think the question would be better directed at the straying spouse. But speaking for myself, I would undoubtedly be able to be in a monogamous relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 If the one who engaged as an affair partner would be high risk to be involved with, post affair stuff. I don't get why they would be. The OM/OW isn't technically cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author underpants Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 I don't get why they would be. The OM/OW isn't technically cheating. Okay, I understand that opinion. My question was not designed to assign who should be blamed. It is a concern that I have. My own personal opinion is that both take part in an affair. One might be breaking commitments but the cheating partner is also aware of their role. Nevermind the hows and whys and who really has the worse character in that relationship. I just am curious if that act would weigh in on later relationships, from the perspective of former OW/OMs. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 I agree with Stargazer. I think an OP can get "caught up" in a situation where they are with a married person, then realize that was the wrong choice for them and move on, and feel that *they* weren't the ones who actually cheated on their spouse... and even have a concience voice in the back of their head reminding them not to be with a married person again, based on experience. If you look at it from the stereotypical perspective of a young, single OW-- after the A, she may feel duped or heartbroken, but it is not too incredibly different from being broken up with by a single guy or deciding to break up with/ move on from a single guy. (I think this is why many BS feel so upset... their whole world is shattered by infidelity, whereas they feel their husband eventually becomes just a blip in the OW's dating history). The future is very bright for a single woman. But I think a married person who strays might think "once I'm a cheater, I'm always a cheater", and kind of deal with their problems by continuing to cheat instead of facing the issues. Or they might like that high and continue to chase after it once they've had it. In the stereotypical situation of an older, married-for-a-long-time man... after OW leaves or is discovered by BS and the A ends, MM may only feel like his problems are compounded. The future does not seem as bright for an unhappily married man (or woman) who doesn't fix their marital problems or get divorced... I think the cycle might continue. But I am *not* saying they're aren't remorseful cheaters who can change and either reconcile their marriages or get divorced and not cheat again on future partners. I am just saying it takes a lot of looking inside and thinking hard and changing, for both xOPs and xcheatingMPs. It just seems that a single OP's situation may make it easier to move on to more fulfilling relationships while a MP's situation may make it easier to continue to cheat. But then again I could just be looking at this all from my own situation. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 I just am curious if that act would weigh in on later relationships, from the perspective of former OW/OMs. Sorry, I didn't read your further clarification of your question before I answered. Okay, from my perspective as a former OW, I have that voice in the back of my head reminding me of my past mistake and all the hard lessons learned from it, and telling me "don't date married men!" It even makes me more sure to *check* about their marital status as well as deceptive tendencies. So I only look for single people to date and, yes, I am monogamous with them. *My* desire to be monogamous with someone was never the problem... it was xMM who stayed married while trying to live a double life with me. I was completely faithful to him despite how ridiculous that might sound. I left in part because I wanted a bilaterally monogamous relationship -- two people only being with each other. So yes, I think I am fully capable of living a monogamous lifestyle, as long as I don't do the same stupid thing and date another MM, argh!! I hope this is more along the lines of what you were looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Yes, I think it is possible for a former to have a monogamous relationship if that is what they desire. As far as your question about "the danger of slipping over that boundary once crossed". It depends on what an individual wants. One has to assess who they are with, watch their actions and not just listening to their words. If you watch real carefully, you will get your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author underpants Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 Thanks for the input. I do appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
st951 Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I think it's possible for the uncommitted partner but a lot less likely for the married one. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I don't get why they would be. The OM/OW isn't technically cheating. True, but they are helping themselves to someone who is married knowingly, and with that brings a high intensity, the rollercoaster ride, the ups and downs...I think part of the relationship between OW/OM and MM/MW is the addictive feelings that come out as it isn't an open and honest relationship, it's hidden, taboo and there's sneaking around going on. I think that is what unders is trying to compare. Or I could be wrong.. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Well most OW are faithful to their MMs, so they are capable of monogamy. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Do you think it is possible that a former OW or OM could have a monogamous relationship with a single person after an affair experience? Would there always be the danger of slipping over that boundary once crossed? What do you think? I ask in all sincerity. Once my MM's paperwork is through, he will be a SG, and I will no longer be OW, and we will remain in the "monogamous relationship" we've been in, so yes, it is possible for a former OW to have a "monogamous relationship" with a single person after the affair experience. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Do you think it is possible that a former OW or OM could have a monogamous relationship with a single person after an affair experience? Well, it happened to me, so I guess the answer is yes, it is possible. People move on. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 True, but they are helping themselves to someone who is married knowingly, and with that brings a high intensity, the rollercoaster ride, the ups and downs...I think part of the relationship between OW/OM and MM/MW is the addictive feelings that come out as it isn't an open and honest relationship, it's hidden, taboo and there's sneaking around going on. Not all of them, no. My A with current MM has always been out in the open, just like any "normal" R. (The only person who didn't know - at least initially - was his W. But that involved no "sneaking around" as they lived entirely separate lives.) Previous As were indeed well hidden, but no sneaking around from my side - merely texting "be here now" when I felt like it, and kicking them out again once I'd had enough. The "sneaking around" they had to do didn't concern me in the slightest - so there was no "thrill" involved in that from my side. Nor was the hiddenness an issue either way - compartmentalising comes naturally to me. So I found that an easy thing to switch off once it no longer applied. I didn't get off on the drama, because for me, there was no drama. The only "intensity" happened inside the bedroom. Link to post Share on other sites
Can'tGiveUp Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 True, but they are helping themselves to someone who is married knowingly, and with that brings a high intensity, the rollercoaster ride, the ups and downs...I think part of the relationship between OW/OM and MM/MW is the addictive feelings that come out as it isn't an open and honest relationship, it's hidden, taboo and there's sneaking around going on. I think that is what unders is trying to compare. Or I could be wrong.. That is the least desirable part of the relationship. I think for most of the OW/OM that are struggling with their R's, it is this whole aspect that is pushing them to end the A. I have not been unfaithful in any of my relationships. My MM may not be monogamous (TBH I haven't asked and I don't want to know...I kinda prefer to keep the blinders on right now), but I have been. When this ends, I fully expect that I will be monogamous in my next R too. Link to post Share on other sites
BurriedAlive Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I don't know if this is relevant or not, but I have had 2 lovers since my A ended and it is nothing like the sex I had with MM. THere is no excitement or lust. Now, I have no intention of ever been involved in an A with a MM ever again but maybe those OWs who crave the excitement may stray if in a commited relationship because the sex is lacking.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I would say yes... it always depend on what the person wants. Speaking for myself, I know that, right now, I could not be monogamous. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Yes, I was an OW, single, but still the other woman. However, in all my LTRs and marriage I was monogamous and loyal to a fault almost. So, my answer, would be yes. I agree, though, this question would be better directed to people in a committed relationship, married or otherwise because like Tan said, technically, the OM/OW is not cheating if he/she is single. Link to post Share on other sites
Zolie Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I just replied to your other thread about this subject, and my answer to this one is the same... It all depends on why the person strayed in the first place. I am 100% a monogamous person. I can in no way date two men at the same time. I simply don't have it in me. When I am in love, I am In Love and all of my attention is focused on one man. I had an EMR, yes, but in my heart, head and entire body, I was already detached from my husband, forced by his detachment. My marital status was no more than a legality by the time I decided to seek solace in the arms of another man. So, yes, if I were in a mutually loving and mutually sexual relationship, I would be 100% monogamous. It wouldn't be a matter of me having to reign myself in; it would be my natural preference. But, there are people out there who are not naturally monogamous. They need and want variety, or they get bored with the current partner, or they believe there is nothing wrong with polygamy, or they ..... there are as many reasons as there are people. I would prefer not to judge them. What I DO judge and condemn, though, are people who insist on staying in bad marriages for all the wrong reasons, such as money, society's dictation, moral obligation, blah, blah, blah. Ooops, sorry, that's not what this thread is about. I do tend to get carried away... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 OW are not cheating but their pyschological makeup tends not to be condusive to a healthy relationship. I would also not date a woman that cheated no matter what reason. How do I know she won't all of a sudden become detached from me? It is my belief that if she did it to him she will do it to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Zolie Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 OW are not cheating but their pyschological makeup tends not to be condusive to a healthy relationship. I would also not date a woman that cheated no matter what reason. How do I know she won't all of a sudden become detached from me? It is my belief that if she did it to him she will do it to me. You have such a fear of being dumped or "done wrong" that it blinds you. First of all, none of us has a foolproof guarantee that our SO will always remain devoted to us and in love with us. Whether it is a "legitimate" relationship or a "non-legitimate" relationship, there are no guarantees. Second of all, there are a million reasons why people become detached. And it's not always due to any flaws or personality deficiencies in the person who has become detached! It can be due to incompatibilities between the two parties, or the other person changing, or circumstances changing, etc. There are a bazillion reasons why people fall out of love. Humans can't help who we love and who we don't love. It happens. I would never condemn a person for no longer loving me. I would condemn them for treating my badly, and refusing to admit their feelings have changed, but I would not condemn them for losing interest. It happens, and nothing I or you or anyone else can do can stop it. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 OW are not cheating but their pyschological makeup tends not to be condusive to a healthy relationship. I don't use psychological makeup, I use the hypoallergenic stuff from The Body Shop. Link to post Share on other sites
Zolie Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I don't use psychological makeup, I use the hypoallergenic stuff from The Body Shop. Ahhhhhhh! Thanks for the laugh! Link to post Share on other sites
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