cold feet moments/ambivalence about kids?

[Tanaquil]

Two questions here today.

 

1. My bf and I have been dating for about 18 months and are talking about getting engaged this spring. Throughout our relationship I've found myself having moments where I'm totally in tears over relatively trivial things--and I recognize it at the time but they still bother me--which I find highly annoying. That said, I've discovered that if I try to ignore these things I wind up pulling away from my bf, whereas if I talk to him then I feel better about whatever it was but then feel guilty for making him deal with all my stupid doubts.

 

ANYWAYS, the question here is how do you all deal with things like that? How do you handle it when your mind comes up with doubts?

 

Question 2: is that he's always made it clear that he wants to have kids (kind of a change from all the topics on here about that, lol) while I seem to be having a lot of trouble defining where I stand on that. Quite frankly, the idea of being pregnant scares me--but aside from that aspect I would like to have kids. I thought that he kind of understood where I was coming from on that but we got into a conversation the other day that made it pretty clear that he's kind of confused by me. Heck, I'm confused by me. As far as I can figure, I'm simply NOT one of the girls who just can't wait to have kids and considers having kids to be the highlight of their life. I just don't have that burning desire to have kids. I'd like to have kids at some point in time, but right now I'm perfectly happy to not have to worry about it.

 

Maybe it's all in my head, but I feel like in order for me to be willing to go through with actually having a kid, I'd need to want to have a kid rather than be 'yeah, I'd like a kid'. Does that make any sense? I just think I've worried my bf a lot because it is something that's important to him and I can't tell him that I'll want to have kids at x point in time. It's not something I can guarantee.

 

SO, does anyone get where I'm coming from here and maybe know of a good way for me to explain all this to him? I've tried but I'm not so good with words sometimes.

 

Any thoughts/comments are appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

Can I ask how old you are? With the baby thing, don't rush into it..Enjoy your marriage and time alone together, build a foundation first and be ready before having kids. Let him know that you don't want to have a child until you're both established and ready to handle what a child brings into your lives.

 

Definately don't hold back! This guy is gonna be your husband, you should be able to discuss anything with him, that means all your worries, fears and doubts. If he can calm your nerves and make you feel better, then let him. I'm sure he loves you, with the quirks and all! Just like you love him, with this quirks as well.

[blind_otter]

Granted my pregnancy wasn't necessarily planned...but to be honest I have been ambivalent/scared about having a kid my whole first trimester. I only recently started bonding with the baby. Other new moms I've talked to admitted to me that they only bonded with the baby after it was born - sometimes months after.

 

Birth is a scarey intimidating process. I think you'd have to be stupid to not be ambivalent about it.

[Tanaquil]

Thank you for responding. I'm not sure how I wound up surrounded by these girls who seriously will say, 'I can't wait to be pregnant!' 'cause I just do NOT understand them. Anyways, it was kind of starting to worry me and make me think I must be some kind of alien. It's nice to know that there are other people out there that understand that feeling. Hope you and your baby are doing well.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I don't understand the point of "talking" about getting engaged, seeing as engagement is just an arbitrary transition into marriage. It seems strange you'd discuss the transitional period and not the thing itself.

 

To answer your questions:

 

1. What are these doubts? There is always a biological/physiological/psychological reaon we feel the way we do; suppressing these issues rather than dealing with them isn't healthy.

 

2. I feel the same, except less ambivalent and more adverse (and that my SO shares this adversity). I do like kids (sometimes), I just don't want to be pregnant. But I figure if my SO or I ever change our minds, we will instead do a social service and adopt.

 

I second whichwayisup; how old are you? Because I'm getting the impression you're a young person whose opinions on children will probably change once you get older.

[Tanaquil]

Sorry I'm so slow to answer--had a lot going on this week.

 

Um, to start with I'm 21 and my bf is 24. We've been talking about getting engaged but mainly because it is the intermediate step and the focus has mostly been on the idea that we'd like to get married in July in which case we should probably get engaged fairly soon if we want to have time to plan anything, lol.

 

The doubts that come up are really very minor--at least when I'm thinking rationally they are. Mostly they tend to come back to my own stupid self-esteem issues that surface when I'm stressed/tired. My guy has a few odd quirks that aren't bad--but when I'm stressed out then they really bother me. The rest of the time I honestly don't mind but when I'm stressed I notice that they bother me and then if I tell him that I feel like I'm suppressing who he is and therefore am an awful person. It's compounded by the fact that he doesn't often criticize me so if I criticize him I feel like I'm this demanding whiny person. So yeah, mostly it's just me being irrational because of stress and such. Oh, and I actually had a really good conversation about this with him and he opened up a bit so I think I'm feeling better on that front.

 

I think that my main genuine worry is that he is a very sensitive guy--sometimes a little overly sensitive. In the time that we've been together I think I've snapped at him maybe a half-dozen times if even that. When it happens he tends to withdraw which usually makes me feel bad and helps me to get over whatever is making me mad. However, there have been a few times where I've been in a hurry or distracted and answered something he said rather abruptly just because my focus was somewhere else and he'll interpret that as me being mad at him. And people thinking that I'm mad when I'm not makes me mad and then I have a hard time not snapping at him. I don't want to have an insensitive jerk for a bf, but sometimes sensitivity can go a little overboard, you know? It hasn't happened all that often so I guess it's not a huge worry, but it still bothers me a little.

 

Going back to pregnancy and kids, I know that I'm young so I figure that since I do like kids the day will probably come that I'm willing to go through that. And if not, we actually have discussed the possibility of adopting--we both think that we'd like to adopt at some point whether or not we have kids of our own.