Views Needed

[allmessedup]

Help…I need your opinions on what has become a very confusing and emotionally difficult situation.

 

I am married man with a great woman for 11 years now and have 2 young kids together (6 and 8). We are both professionals and do not worry about money and have what many would say as the perfect suburban life. We got married when we were both 24 years old and for the most part all has been going well. My wife is the type of person that generally rubs a lot of people the wrong way. Most would say she was a bitch. She has always been bitchy as it is her nature (she knows and admits that she can be very bitchy). It is the way I married her! It never bothered me as I am a happy go lucky sort of guy who can for the most part just ignore her when she is like this. This worked for us and we have had a very good life together. That is until about a year ago, when her bitchiness began to really irritate me. In the course of 2007 there were a few incidents where her bitchiness pushed me over the edge and made me really question our marriage. Since about August of 2007 I have been less and less willing to put up with her and felt like she has been dragging me down.

 

In September, we went on a family vacation and I just did not want to spend much time with her as her negativity was really brining me down. She picked up on this which no doubt made her even more bitchy too me and as you can imagine we started to spire downwards. Things were not great in the marriage, but certainly tolerable…we both felt that we were just going through a rough patch.

 

In late October I started fantasised a lot about being intimate with another woman (I mean more than usual as I think we all do from time to time). Then in November I started to look aggressively for an intimate affair online and as you can imagine I found it. I have been 100% faithful to my wife up to this point from the day I met her even though I had the chance to be with other woman (and very likely not get caught) on many occasions. I was very nervous when I met her for coffee, but we hit it off and 3 days later got together for an intimate encounter. The evening was one of the most memorable of my life. What was most surprising was that I did NOT FEEL GUILTY after the deed as I was sure I would (I was certain I would majorly regret). I did not…not in the least. Nor did she…she is in a similar situation (married). Since this time we have gotten together about 5 times for intimate encounters and another 7 times (would go more, but it is hard to find the excuse to be out of the house) to just hang out and get to know each other. We talk EVERY day often for hours at a time. We have known each other for a little over 2 months now and I can safely say that we have developed some very strong feelings towards each other. We are just so compatible and both felt this way from the moment we first met for that now infamous coffee (30 minute coffee turned into 2.5hours that first time as we just hit is off so well).

Here I was looking for an intimate encounter and found someone that I truly adore and love spending time with. Funny how life unfolds sometimes? We are struggling as we both have young kids and good lives with our significant others. That said, we are both not happy with our marriages, and realized this even more after meeting each other. In fact in both of our cases our significant others have detected that our hearts have gone somewhere else and we now feel like we are living a giant lie.

I know that I have committed adultery and know that what I have done is wrong. It was only supposed to be sex (which I know is wrong in itself) but has turned into so much more.

 

So…this is what I need all of your help with. Do you think that I went looking for an intimate encounter because I was just bored and looking for adventure (which is what I thought) or is it a sign of something deeply wrong in my marriage? As I have gotten to know this woman I am just shocked as to how much better a fit she is for me than my wife on so many levels. As a man who is 35 going on 36 this year, I feel that I have enough life experience to know the difference between infatuation, lust and love. I also know that since her and I do not live together, the reality of life has not really entered our relationship. We are in the honeymoon phase lets be honest. That all said, this women truly stirs my soul and I can not bare the thought of not being with her. We both agree that our feelings for one another are crazy, yet more intense than any other lover in our lives. We both worry that perhaps we are feeling so strongly towards one another because we have not had that sort of love in our lives for a long time. We are scared of messing up our kids.

 

I know what you are all saying…ride it out and make sure your feelings are real. That was the plan (not fair to our significant others…I know we are going to hell), but our feelings for each other are so strong that it is torturing our souls (e.g. lying in bed at night unable to sleep, constantly looking for that next text message on the cell) and our significant others are suffering too (both of us just can’t have sex with our partners anymore and we are just so not into them).

 

 

Please lay it on me. Let me have your full uncensored opinions!

[padder83]

firstly, your post was sincere & i could feel the situation you find yourself in. i personaly at the moment have been seeing a married woman for almost a year,it started out as jus a fling on a nite out but against best intentions we have developed it into someting more together.

we get on great but its also very heart breaking as in the situation the realites of her being married i know that its not exaclty set up to be forever.

 

i talk to her about her marraige and i dont judge, she said the love is dead between her and her husband but she cant leave him as this would tear him apart...i know this sound like a cliche but i do believe her& i want her to have the heart to leave him if she wants but i fear she will stay married and forget about her own happiness.

 

im comming to a point where im trying to distancing myself from the situation...id like to see her resolve or end her marraige before we fall deeper for eachother (it is so hard being together& as we say tying to look like were 'not being together') i dont want to be hiding it, i do understand how u feel.

 

i have never been married so i cant advise u but i do feel sad for the lady i am seeing because i feel sad that things go like that in relationships, stuff breaksdown and people dont talk openly, i wouldnt judge u for ur situation, its not an easy one.

 

sounds like ur wife is unhappy also,i hope you can still talk to her openly.

[allmessedup]

Wow Padder83...I thought I had a difficult situation, but yours must me totally heart wrenching. I guess you feel how our significant others are going to feel when we leave them, only difference is that you will have to be the one to call it off it sounds like.

 

 

I really feel for your situation.

 

Does she have kids?

[quankanne]

Do you think that I went looking for an intimate encounter because I was just bored and looking for adventure (which is what I thought) or is it a sign of something deeply wrong in my marriage?

 

anytime you feel you must go outside your primary relationship to "get" whatever it is you need to make you feel happy, there are serious problems in that relationship. And I kind of wondering if whether you're romanticizing this affair to some degree, and thinking that maybe the grass is greener where your lover (sweet, kind, gentle, soulmate sort of person) stands, where as your area is decidedly more brown (because of your caustic wife and a troubled relationship).

 

my advice is that you look into marriage counseling to see if there's anything you can do to improve the marriage, because you'll get a better idea if you two truly aren't compatible and a divorce is the best way to resolve your problems. That will resolve what's going on, not sleeping around with a nice chick who happens to be the antithesis of your seemingly harpy of a wife. Your marital problems aren't going to magically go away just because you've found greener pastures; they could become worse once Wifey figures out what's going on – she doesn't sound like the kind of person who is going to take the compassionate route in dealing with matters!

[Mr. Lucky]

It was only supposed to be sex (which I know is wrong in itself) but has turned into so much more.

The challenge for you is going to be placing your new relationship with the context of what's important in your life. Is it important for you to:

 

- live in the same house with your children?

 

- be the man that raises them?

 

- honor the committment you made to your wife?

 

- avoid the alienation of friends and family?

 

You've put yourself in a position where you have some very difficult choices to make. You've probably taken away any real opportunity to work on fixing your marriage. If you decide to end your marriage and go with your OW, just be aware of the potential cost...

 

Mr. Lucky

[thankful15289]

My guess is that your wife's, er, domineering ways were attractive at first for some deep emotional reason. In other words, you liked that she was a bitch. Lots of men find this attractive (I do and freely admit it).

 

Problem is that you've grown up a bit and are chafing under her rein. You want to change the rules into an equal partnership or (gasp!) one where you are dominant. This isn't likely without lots of counseling, but that is absolutely what you must do. Forget the new honey unless you want to relive this entire experience over again in a year or so. The only constant in all your relationships is you, and you will keep facing the same demons until you decide to confront them. Better now than later.