Husband does things with GF he would never do with me. Comments?

[jules_sugar]

My husband and I are separated. He now has a new girlfriend. I still love him but understand that he doesnt love me so i have to move on.

 

We have kids together so i want him to be happy, but it still hurts to think of him with someone else.

 

Especially when i found out that they have been doing things together that we never used to. Like going to the cinema for example. I always wanted to go out and spent some couple time with him and he never wanted to go anywhere, especially the cinema (he said he hated it)

 

I am finding it hard to understand, and i know its none of my business what they do but it still hurts.

 

I am feeling quite lonely but i know that its too early for me to start dating again.

 

Any ideas?

Edited February 3, 2008 by jules_sugar
typo

[Lonestar]

He's taking her to the movies because he's courting her. He didn't take you because he was married and didn't have to anymore. He'll do the same thing to her once he gets comfortable and doesn't feel like he has to do the work to get her. Everyone behaves differently and on their best behavior in a new relationship.

 

I wouldn't feel all that bad about it. He is who is he and probably will not change. I'd be more upset if your ex actually did all those romantic things with you while you were still married, because that would mean she will get the same and probably more if he really cares about her.

[Zolie]

I've always believed the hardest part of a breakup is the feeling of rejection. A breakup has many feelings, such as missing the way it once was and missing the person, but those things pale in comparison to the feeling of rejection that can be so overwhelming. When an SO dies, we miss them, but we don't have to contend with rejection, so a break up is twice as hurtful.

 

The feeling of exclusion is also harsh. There he is having a grand ol' time and you are home alone. And to add insult to injury, he is doing things with her he never did with you before! The feelings of rejection and exclusion can be debilitating, if you let it rule you.

 

For whatever reason that he stopped loving you, you are smart to recognize it as fact and that you have to move on. He needed whatever this other woman is providing to him, and it has made him feel he has a new lease on life, and that is good for him. Everyone is entitled to that.

 

BUT, none of that means there is anything wrong with you. And it doesn't mean you won't find the same thing with a new man.

 

Don't focus on the fact he is moving on and doing things with her that he wouldn't do with you. All that is about is the dating ritual we all do when we date a new person - we try new things. We do things we swore we never would, because our new partner likes it, and we want to impress and please the new partner. It's also part of that new lease on life thing - being with a new person is a chance to climb out of that rut we allowed the old relationship to become, whether of our own making or not.

 

But, again, this has nothing to do with you. He is not rejecting you - he is reinventing himself. Does that make sense? It is two different things. So, let him reinvent himself, and you do the same for you!

Edited February 3, 2008 by Zolie
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[bigmanpayne]

My husband and I are separated. He now has a new girlfriend. I still love him but understand that he doesnt love me so i have to move on.

 

Especially when i found out that they have been doing things together that we never used to. Like going to the cinema for example. I always wanted to go out and spent some couple time with him and he never wanted to go anywhere, especially the cinema (he said he hated it)

 

I am finding it hard to understand, and i know its none of my business what they do but it still hurts.

 

I am feeling quite lonely but i know that its too early for me to start dating again.

 

Any ideas?

 

 

i know exactly how you feel. i am going through the same thing. i asked my wife about this and she told me she does different things with other people because she feels like a different person. she told me there is nothing i can do about it, she feels like a wife and mother when she is at home, and she feels single and free when she isnt, so she doesnt do the same things.

 

i always find it strange how the cheater or the other spouse can have a GF or BF right away, but the other person cant. by that i mean, everyone tells me not to rush into anything, but my wife is already living with someone else. people say "you dont want to rush into anything new it will be a rebound" but is her relationship a rebound? why shouldn't the other person have to wait? i have heard of people who end up marrying the person they had an affair with and living happily ever after. can't that happen for you or me too? cant you meet someone right now and really find happiness? i just wonder about it, i dont really know.

 

i know the feeling of loneliness, and i hate that you have to be lonely while he doesnt, it just doesnt seem fair.

[Zolie]

but is her relationship a rebound? why shouldn't the other person have to wait?

 

In my experience the leaving spouse had already vacated the marriage emotionally long before they actually left it. For whatever reasons and whatever issues they had with the marriage, their feelings changed, and they became "single" in their minds. Not on purpose, just as a survival mechanism. So, in reality, when they move onto another person so quickly after actually leaving the marriage, it's not really that soon, because they were already long gone before that.

 

can't that happen for you or me too? cant you meet someone right now and really find happiness?

 

Yes, it can happen, the moment you are ready. The leaving spouse was ready before you, but you will follow suit soon enough.

 

Another thing to think about is that we humans are attracted to other humans who are happy with themselves. Very few people are attracted to someone who is bitter about the previous breakup and resents being trampled. Instead, we are attracted to people who pick themselves up and grasp Life with both hands and Live! In a way, that is what a leaving spouse does when they move on and that is why they find a new partner so easily. Meanwhile, the one left behind is still reeling. But, it is just a matter of time before the left spouse is Living too - if they want to.

[Politico]

In my experience the leaving spouse had already vacated the marriage emotionally long before they actually left it. For whatever reasons and whatever issues they had with the marriage, their feelings changed, and they became "single" in their minds. Not on purpose, just as a survival mechanism. So, in reality, when they move onto another person so quickly after actually leaving the marriage, it's not really that soon, because they were already long gone before that.

 

 

When the ex left me she already had a boyfriend in the wings she'd met seven months before the separation. It wasn't long before she moved him in with herself and my minor children. I used to woinder how she could do it so quickly but your explanation is spot on. She had already mentally and emotionally divorced me.

 

What was funny was that she filed for separation, only, and I'm the one who counter-filed for divorce. She then became absolutely irrate and annoying when I started dating TWO YEARS later.

 

My best guess is that she reacted like that because I robbed her of control over MY life.

 

Go figure!

[bigmanpayne]

In my experience the leaving spouse had already vacated the marriage emotionally long before they actually left it. For whatever reasons and whatever issues they had with the marriage, their feelings changed, and they became "single" in their minds. Not on purpose, just as a survival mechanism. So, in reality, when they move onto another person so quickly after actually leaving the marriage, it's not really that soon, because they were already long gone before that.

 

i guess you are right. i can only see things from one side, but she checked out long before she left and that makes sense. Good post.

[Lizzie60]

He hasn't shown her his true colours...

 

Just wait, he will eventually be 'himself' again...

[Zolie]

She then became absolutely irrate and annoying when I started dating TWO YEARS later.

 

Yes, I've seen that happen a thousand times before. We leave our SOs because our feelings have changed, and we find someone else, and we are happy. But, then we get upset, hurt and angry when our ex also finds someone else. It's a quirk in human nature, imo.

 

In some cases it is probably about control, but I think more than that, it's about the ego. When a partner has decided to leave, because they stopped loving the other partner, often it is because they felt the other partner was not invested enough in the relationship and so the leaving partner experienced their own measure of rejection for a long time. So, they run through the gamut of trying everything under the sun to make it work, but they finally arrive at the conclusion that it's just not working, and they decide to leave. By that time, they have worked through their feelings of rejection, and turned the tables, and now they are the one doing the rejecting. Sometimes they do it out of spite, and sometimes they just do it to survive for themselves.\

 

So, their feeling of rejection is revisited when the ex starts dating again. Just one theory among many...

[wizer]

As one or two other posters already said...but to put a slightly different spin on it and to coin a phrase...they are in the "Honeymoon phase". The excitement level is high, the attraction level is at maximum. It will come back down. Gravity always has it's effect, even on emotions. You are viewing their relationship at the best point it will ever be, from your position of being as hurt as you are ever going to be. You will get better, and their relationship will at the very least, drop back down to "normal levels".

[Zolie]

i guess you are right. i can only see things from one side, but she checked out long before she left and that makes sense. Good post.

 

Thanks. I'm glad I could help you see the other side. Keep in mind, though, that just because she checked out, doesn't mean you are flawed or unworthy. Something just went wrong between the two of you.

[bigmanpayne]

He hasn't shown her his true colours...

 

Just wait, he will eventually be 'himself' again...

 

i have always felt that the true colors of a person will show. what if in this case she never she's his true colors. hell, i may be wrong for thinking it, but i want retribution. this guy looks and feels good, and it isn't fair. my wife looks like a victim, like a good person, not someone who left her family specially her kids. but i always feel like what if i am wrong. by that i mean, i know it is stupid but i feel like maybe she is right. maybe the bad things that she did wont happen with someone else. it took me 2 years to get a grip on who she really was even though the warning signs were always there. i feel like the shoe will drop for someone with flaws, but i dont know about anyone else, i hate the wait.

[Nomad1]

Wish them happiness. You will find happiness too. Be happy being you. That is the best kind of happiness that one can achieve. Being happy on your own. Once you achieve that, you will be ready to move on. Forget about him. He is no longer in your life. I wouldn't date anyone else yet, until I feel I am ready. We make ourselves so unhappy by relying on others to make us feel happy. You are worth a lot more.

 

Take care

Nomad1