Losing my bestfriend

[blind_otter]

I have a friend who I've been close to since 5th grade. We've had separations in the past lasting up to a few years but are always able to pick up right where we left off.

 

Recently she separated with her husband. She had cheated on him and he decided to move to Alabama to stay with a friend. They had had a lot of problems prior to the infidelity, and had had several separations during their marriage. He doesn't really work with any regularity. He likes to play in bands and make music. There have been years-long spans of time where my friend supported her husband completely while he stayed at home making albums which he never promotes or sells to anyone. I guess I would have a huge problem with that, but she doesn't seem to.

 

As you can tell I don't like him all that much. I've just known him for 7 years - as long as my friend has been with him. And he's pretty much stayed the same. I hear her stories of how miserable she is, but she always goes back to him.

 

Well they are getting back together now. He wants her to move to Alabama to be with him.

 

I've been supportive of her throughout this process but I think I have to disengage myself from this relationship, now. I feel like I'm being a horrible friend, but it's been 7 years that I've kept my mouth shut and tried to be a good friend and I just can't do it any more.

 

Am I being selfish, or am I establishing boundaries? I've always had trouble distinguishing the two. I only recently learned even how to establish boundaries.

 

Is this too drastic?

[Pyro]

I have a friend who I've been close to since 5th grade. We've had separations in the past lasting up to a few years but are always able to pick up right where we left off.

 

Recently she separated with her husband. She had cheated on him and he decided to move to Alabama to stay with a friend. They had had a lot of problems prior to the infidelity, and had had several separations during their marriage. He doesn't really work with any regularity. He likes to play in bands and make music. There have been years-long spans of time where my friend supported her husband completely while he stayed at home making albums which he never promotes or sells to anyone. I guess I would have a huge problem with that, but she doesn't seem to.

 

As you can tell I don't like him all that much. I've just known him for 7 years - as long as my friend has been with him. And he's pretty much stayed the same. I hear her stories of how miserable she is, but she always goes back to him.

 

Well they are getting back together now. He wants her to move to Alabama to be with him.

 

I've been supportive of her throughout this process but I think I have to disengage myself from this relationship, now. I feel like I'm being a horrible friend, but it's been 7 years that I've kept my mouth shut and tried to be a good friend and I just can't do it any more.

 

Am I being selfish, or am I establishing boundaries? I've always had trouble distinguishing the two. I only recently learned even how to establish boundaries.

 

Is this too drastic?

 

I don't see why you have to stop being her friend all together. You did all you could do regarding being her friend and supporting her.

[blind_otter]

I don't see why you have to stop being her friend all together. You did all you could do regarding being her friend and supporting her.

 

Well I know I can't support her relationship with her husband any more. What can I do, just tell her to stop talking about him altogether? It's a big part of her life.

 

It's not just her husband though, it's the way she approaches like. My SO calls her "gangbusters" because that's just what she does, she decides something and goes 100%, then suddenly changes her mind and goes 100% in the opposite direction.

 

I guess I feel jerked around. First I support her decision to split up with her H. Then I support her decision to get back with him. Then I am her shoulder to cry on when he doesn't want to get back with her. Then I support them getting back together. Ad nauseum.

 

All the while, I see how his behavior remains consistent. He is manipulative and passive aggressive. He holds things over her head. She is just so different when she is around him. So passive.

 

I can't be around him. He makes me angry, to see what he's doing to her. I feel like I have to detach completely.

[norajane]

I've been supportive of her throughout this process but I think I have to disengage myself from this relationship, now. I feel like I'm being a horrible friend, but it's been 7 years that I've kept my mouth shut and tried to be a good friend and I just can't do it any more.

 

Do you plan to tell her how you feel, both about disengaging from the relationship, and about her husband and their impending reconciliation?

 

I think she needs to hear both. Telling her how you feel about her husband is probably something she needs - if you've been supportive of her all along, she might not have any idea that her friends, the people who have known her longest, see how much damage her husband has done to the person she is.

 

And it's hard to do, but if you are planning to step back, she also needs to understand why. It might make a difference to how she sees herself and her life choices.

[amaysngrace]

Is this too drastic?

 

No I don't think so at all. It's called self-preservation. When people drain us over and over again sometimes we need to cut our losses and move away from them. Emotionally speaking.

 

Your life is moving in a new positive direction. Her life is a mess. And all the good advice you have expended your energy on seems to go in one ear and out the other.

 

I know it's hard to lose a friend but is she really a good friend to you if she just keeps taking and taking? Was she overly supportive of you when you were having hard times, like when you lost your dad most recently?

[Pyro]

Well I know I can't support her relationship with her husband any more. What can I do, just tell her to stop talking about him altogether? It's a big part of her life.

 

It's not just her husband though, it's the way she approaches like. My SO calls her "gangbusters" because that's just what she does, she decides something and goes 100%, then suddenly changes her mind and goes 100% in the opposite direction.

 

I guess I feel jerked around. First I support her decision to split up with her H. Then I support her decision to get back with him. Then I am her shoulder to cry on when he doesn't want to get back with her. Then I support them getting back together. Ad nauseum.

 

All the while, I see how his behavior remains consistent. He is manipulative and passive aggressive. He holds things over her head. She is just so different when she is around him. So passive.

 

I can't be around him. He makes me angry, to see what he's doing to her. I feel like I have to detach completely.

 

I think that NJ and Amay summed it up very nicely.

[blind_otter]

Was she overly supportive of you when you were having hard times, like when you lost your dad most recently?

 

Not really. She has been a good friend at times, but only when it's convenient to her. Whenever her H is around she shuts people out and just hangs out with him. I would invite her over, or out to dinner, and she would agree only to flake out right before the actual event because her husband is so antisocial.

 

It's just bizarre. Yesterday, after talking with her therapist, she came over to my house insisting that it was over with her H. She went over a laundry list of issues that have been consistent for the past 7 years or so. This isn't the first time she's made this "decision."

 

I just shrugged and said whatever...at this point I don't believe her one way or the other. This morning she called after talking with her H for several hours and insisted the exact opposite of what she said yesterday.

 

I guess I should explain to her exactly why I can't be her friend any more. I just feel bad. In the past I've been able to swallow my comments and be her friend without it affecting our relationship, although there's always been tension between me and her H....

 

But now my life seems so peaceful and uncomplicated and I have other things to focus on and I just don't want to deal with her drama any more.

[Nemo]

To be honest, you should only care about what makes her happy. People use the phrase "my best friend" like it's a cliche. Maybe all their friends are "best" friends. Whatever.

 

The last thing she needs is for her friends to be dumping her before she moves to another state. Besides, if she moves, then the "best" friends thing you have will fade off into the sunset. No sense in rocking the boat.

 

Anyway, these days it is a snap to manage all your friends from a simple, central interface. You can have hundreds, even thousands, of friends, and dealing with them all takes but a few minutes out of your day. I prefer MySpace, but millions more swear by Facebook. It keeps everything personal, and your friends are all clear on who the "best" ones are.

[amaysngrace]

But now my life seems so peaceful and uncomplicated and I have other things to focus on and I just don't want to deal with her drama any more.

 

You are certainly entitled to have peace and as little drama as possible. Lord knows you've had enough drama handed to you...you don't need to invite it in.

 

I wouldn't cut her off completely but I would let her know that her saying one thing for hours and then turning it around pisses you off. You can use my line "no offense but..."

 

How long before she moves away?

[Meaplus3]

I have a friend who I've been close to since 5th grade. We've had separations in the past lasting up to a few years but are always able to pick up right where we left off.

 

Recently she separated with her husband. She had cheated on him and he decided to move to Alabama to stay with a friend. They had had a lot of problems prior to the infidelity, and had had several separations during their marriage. He doesn't really work with any regularity. He likes to play in bands and make music. There have been years-long spans of time where my friend supported her husband completely while he stayed at home making albums which he never promotes or sells to anyone. I guess I would have a huge problem with that, but she doesn't seem to.

 

As you can tell I don't like him all that much. I've just known him for 7 years - as long as my friend has been with him. And he's pretty much stayed the same. I hear her stories of how miserable she is, but she always goes back to him.

 

Well they are getting back together now. He wants her to move to Alabama to be with him.

 

I've been supportive of her throughout this process but I think I have to disengage myself from this relationship, now. I feel like I'm being a horrible friend, but it's been 7 years that I've kept my mouth shut and tried to be a good friend and I just can't do it any more.

 

Am I being selfish, or am I establishing boundaries? I've always had trouble distinguishing the two. I only recently learned even how to establish boundaries.

 

Is this too drastic?

 

Hi Blind, It sound's to me like you have been a very good friend to her for the past 7 year's even while what you have seen go on in her R with her H has bothered you. I believe that sometimes people can only take so much, and it sound's to me like that's exactly where you are right now.. and with good reason. Now might me a good time to have a talk with her about how you have been feeling. Let her know your thought's on her relationship, and see what she has to say. I don't see you as beign selfish at all with this friend. Good luck. Hug's!

 

AP:)

[blind_otter]

Well as she explained it, her H is "leaving everything in AL to come be with her" (he doesn't have a job and has been living off his friend with the recording studio).

 

He is moving in with her until August and then she is to move BACK to AL with him so he can continue his "career" recording people he knows for free. She is to find a job ASAP once they get to AL to make sure they have money to live off of.

 

I'm really disappointed in her decision to be honest with you.

 

Maybe I'm just too emotionally invested in this. I want her to be happy but I'm 100% certain that being with her H will not make her happy. I've been a passive witness to this for 7 years.

 

At one point, about 4 years ago, they separated and she stayed for a few months in my spare room. When they got back together, which they always do, I was made out to be the bad guy and we didn't speak for 3 years.

 

I just KNEW this was going to happen again. It pisses me off. I should have never let her back in my life in the first place.

[Nemo]

You are certainly entitled to have peace and as little drama as possible. Lord knows you've had enough drama handed to you...you don't need to invite it in.

Fairweather friends are almost legendary. I mean, people put up with their crap for years and years, and then when it doesn't suit them to be a friend in return, they bail.

[amaysngrace]

I'm really disappointed in her decision to be honest with you.

 

That is what you should tell her then. You care about her and you want her to be happy but all you ever see is this guy making her miserable.

 

You could also ask that she leave her relationship out of your conversations because it doesn't ever seem to change so it seems like talking about it is just pointless. You could also clue her in on the definition of insanity. j/k

 

August? I was hoping it'd be sooner than that. But I always look first for the easy way out.

[Tony T]

Try to understand that this is a very complicated and difficult situation she's going through right now. She's unhappy in her marriage but feels extremely guilty just the same (about cheating). To satisfy her mind, she's got to go through certain rituals and motions to be sure she makes a right decision. When people are going through emotionally trying times, it's very hard for them to be themselves and extremely hard to nurture friendships.

 

Give her some space to take care of her personal, emotional business. It may take a while but she'll be back. Hell, it may take a very long time. If you are a sincere friend to her you'll give her that time. If not, you'll give her the boot. So what kind of friend are you? It's your choice!

 

Maybe you could compromise and take leave from the friendship for a while until things work out one way or the other for her. Make it clear that it's draining for you to watch her go through all this and you simply can't handle the ups and downs she's putting herself through. She should understand and not want to drag you through the mud along with her. That's NOT what friends are for.

Edited February 3, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Nemo]

I want her to be happy but I'm 100% certain that being with her H will not make her happy.

You must have a crystal ball, or something. This statement is so strong that it makes me wonder if you are jealous of her happiness?

[amaysngrace]

This statement is so strong that it makes me wonder if you are jealous of her happiness?

 

No offense but back off. B_O and she have been friends since they were eleven years old. I think she knows her friend pretty well.

 

Her friend is using her to throw up on repeatedly always with the same bile.

 

Friendship is a two way street. At least her friend could change the flavor of the bile from time to time.

 

Have you ever known somebody like that? It can be very draining.

 

What happens when Otter has her baby? Is the friend going to be there to cheer her on and share the happiness or will she and her husband be going through a rough patch leaving Otter to just dismiss her absence from a very special time in HER life?

[blind_otter]

This is hard. I feel like I'm breaking up with a boyfriend or something. My SO commented on that. He walked by while I was talking on the phone with my bestfriend and said that it sounded like I was talking to a boyfriend who was breaking up with me and I was begging them to stay with me. I feel so pitiful.

 

I know I could just smooth things over and not say anything and just wait for the friendship to wither away. That would be the easy route, I guess. But part of me feels like I owe her an explanation...not that she would care. I've been in her shoes before, loving someone that no one thinks is good for me. I know she will chose her path without a second thought, and our friendship will be thrown away like a used tissue. I will be the bad guy again.

 

I could keep hanging out with her, carefully avoiding her house or her husband. Telling her to never speak of her husband or their relationship. But that seems so....stilted and odd. Like it wouldn't be a real friendship at all.

 

I wish I could go back to accepting her random crap and not being bothered by it.

[marlena]

I was/am in a similar situation. I have a very good friend who is married to someone who takes the cake as far as cheaters,liars and manipulators go. Some of the things he has done are unspeakable. He, too, has barely worked a day in his life. And that is just a misdemeanor compared to other autrocities he has committed.

 

Anyway, in the beginning, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and so I kept my mouth shut. Whenever something went wrong, I was always there to pick up the pieces for her. Gradually, as his abuse escalated, I began to get very angry, not at him this time but at her for enabling this abuse to go on for ten long years.

 

And so, Blind, I spoke up. I told her what I thought of him and how concerned I was at her for letting him get away with it for so long. At the same time, I realized my friend was a very sick woman. She had to be to allow all this abuse. We blame the victimizer but often the victim carries just as much blame for the situation.

 

I understand your frustration very well. I would tell her in no vague terms what your opinion is of her husband. I told my friend and although it upset her, we are still very good friends. If she loves you, she will appreciate your honesty and perhaps take what you have to say into serious consideration. She should be able to see that you have her best interests at heart. If your friendship falls apart, then, it wasn't very strong to begin with.

 

If she doesn't understand this, then, yes, maybe it's time to distance yourself a bit from her.

[blind_otter]

Drama! Part of me wants to call her right away and tell her what I think about her husband. But my SO has advised me to chill out and wait to talk to her. I'm just itching to say something but I'm afraid if I do it now it will just turn into an argument.

 

Another thing that disappoints me is that I got her her current job as a medical receptionist at the birth center where I will be giving birth. So I'll have to see her at all my OB appointments (awkward!)....and I know now that she will be quitting this job in 6 months. Which is embarassing. If I had known she was going to quit so quickly I would never have recommended her for the job!

 

I'm so frustrated. Yesterday I had a great friend who had been there since I was 10 years old. Now, I have nothing. It's bizarre. Yesterday another friend commented to me how wonderful it must be to have a friend for so long. Now, I don't have that anymore. It's all so sudden.

 

It really is like a break up.

[underpants]

I've been down this road a few times.

 

If she is moving away then that gives you the opportunity to distance yourself from her.

 

I understand that calling her out on what you think about her situation/pattern could cause a fallout and severe the friendship. I doubt it would make her change what her mind is telling her to do. Yet, you can only invest emotionally in someone for so long until you just kind of give up a little and accept them for who they are and gauge your involvement to what you can accept.

 

Someone told me something very strange last night. I don't know why people tell me things because I only met this dude twice. He said, you know I have known (so and so, my closer friend) since I was a child. Now 40ish years later. He said to me. I can't hang out with him regularly because we know too much about each other and we argue. (really, I know a couple of stories about this guy and I just smiled and listened, thinking ...yea, our friend is common has no problem calling anyone on their b/s and that is why I value him as a friend). You could tell they will always be there for each other, but their seperate lives have taken different paths. It is just what happens sometimes.

 

You are a smart cookie bo. You will figure out the best way to handle it.

[amaysngrace]

I understand your frustration very well. I would tell her in no vague terms what your opinion is of her husband. I told my friend and although it upset her, we are still very good friends. If she loves you, she will appreciate your honesty and perhaps take what you have to say into serious consideration. She should be able to see that you have her best interests at heart. If your friendship falls apart, then, it wasn't very strong to begin with.

 

If she doesn't understand this, then, yes, maybe it's time to distance yourself a bit from her.

 

Very good advice Marlena.

 

Otter you don't have to stop being friends altogether. You could just be less available.

 

Your SO is right. Calm down before you speak to her. You know about being less emotional when confonting something bad. Heck, you taught it to me.

 

But here's a FYI. When a mother feels stress the baby senses it too. So please try to put it out of your head for now as best you can. It can wait till tomorrow.

[marlena]

Drama! Part of me wants to call her right away and tell her what I think about her husband. But my SO has advised me to chill out and wait to talk to her. I'm just itching to say something but I'm afraid if I do it now it will just turn into an argument.

 

 

 

There is a way to say things and then there is a way to say things. If you do decide to talk to her, it should be in a calm and well-meaning way. You need to show your concern more than your disdain for her husband. If you feel it is going to lead to drama and quarreling and then a deep rift in your relationship, then, don't do it.

 

Just let her go and let things take their own course. Undies advice to just accept the situation is good advice. You can accept and try to keep an emotional distance from her problems.

 

Blind,

 

May I ask? Could you perhaps at some level be angry at her because she is leaving? Because you will lose her?

[blind_otter]

Blind,

 

May I ask? Could you perhaps at some level be angry at her because she is leaving? Because you will lose her?

 

I feel like I've already lost her. I lost her already twice. I don't know. I'm not angry with her for leaving, if she was moving someplace great, where there was a lot of opportunity -- I would be 100% supportive. But ALABAMA? There's nothing THERE! Her H doesn't even have a job! He's been living on someone's couch for the past 3 months and hasn't been able to hold down a job. AFAIK he's never been able to hold down a job. I find that unacceptable!

 

He jerks her around all the time. Lies, talks behind her back, manipulates, withholds sex, makes promises that he can't keep. For years I've been the one who was there to pick up the pieces when she was devestated and alone. I've been the janitor who cleans up the messes.

 

Now I'm looking at her realizing that she's just going on a continual cycle of repetition. Maybe I'm actually enabling her to continue her horrible cycle of self flagellation by continually being her support system.

[whichwayisup]

But now my life seems so peaceful and uncomplicated and I have other things to focus on and I just don't want to deal with her drama any more.

 

Then keep the friendship at a distance. You don't have to end it, just let time and space fill the gaps...Those times her life becomes crazy and she starts calling and needing you - Hopefully by that time you'll have your little bundle of joy and won't have time.

 

You two are on different paths in life, maybe later on she'll change and settle down, but right now things are crazy for her BY CHOICE.

 

Now I'm looking at her realizing that she's just going on a continual cycle of repetition. Maybe I'm actually enabling her to continue her horrible cycle of self flagellation by continually being her support system.

 

Nah, don't blame yourself in this. I mean, she has some self esteem issues, and you are/were being a good friend to her. Being someone's support system isn't enabling, unless you GOT involved in helping her make her choices, which I doubt you had any influence on why her life is the way it is.

[blind_otter]

Well since September of last year she's had 5 different jobs, so I probably should have known better than to recommend her for this job at the birthing center. She's so flighty. Whenever she concentrates on making her life more stable and better, she gets better. She was seeing a therapist for a while, who basically advised her that her marriage was based on a very unhealthy relationship with her H....

 

Now her H has decided that my friend cannot see a therapist anymore because it's not doing them any good. She is only allowed to go to therapy if he is present. I assume this is because he doesn't want her saying anything bad about him.

 

My SO was telling me that I don't have to stop being her friend. I just have to tell her to stop talking about her H. I feel like that's kind of like leaving her hanging in some ways. I can't support her relationship with him, though. It's just too draining.

 

I guess it is too drastic to just cut her off completely. I'll let things be, and be honest with her that I can't stand her husband or her choices, but that doesn't mean I don't love her dearly. I just don't love her choices. In the end, when she moves to Alabama things will probably fade on their own. I'll have a new baby to take care of, and hopefully will be able to meet other new moms to make friends with.

 

But it does hurt, a lot, to lose a friendship of almost 20 years.