amaysngrace Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Maybe I'm actually enabling her to continue her horrible cycle of self flagellation by continually being her support system. That does happen. When the talking stops the action begins. As long as she has someone to talk to then she avoids what she needs to deal with. And yes. You could be contributing to the problem in that way. Remember you said the "easy" way? Pacifying her is the easy way IMO. Standing up to her and calling her out on her behavior takes balls. She may hate you for it but I'm betting not. She'd probably be grateful in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 No offense but back off. B_O Yes, that's good advice. It's probably time to distance herself from this toxic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 4, 2008 Author Share Posted February 4, 2008 I spoke with her briefly on sunday night. Nothing intense. I just told her that I loved and cared about her but I felt like she was making a huge mistake -- just like the last 3 times they separated and got back together. She says this time will be different because he has agreed to go to counseling, but I find the whole thing to be a farce -- he doesn't trust therapists, and even told his W to stop individual counseling and that she is not allowed to go to counseling without him. It just seems so controlling and gross. I'm sure that she will proceed with her plans. I just have to gently disengage myself. It's sad that this is happening, all over again. I feel like I'm in a time warp - last time we went our separate ways, when she got back together with her jealous, controlling, emotionally negligent H, I had no trouble getting on with my life. I did the no contact thing and I was fine. I guess this is what has to happen again. I just wish I could make her see her situation through my eyes, without all the baggage that she has. But in the end, it's none of my business. She wants to go on like nothing has changed, but I will just have to stop hanging out with her as much and let it die away. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Bo I just wanted to say I am sorry you are oging throught this. i went through something similar with a friend and it is hard. I had to pull back as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 4, 2008 Author Share Posted February 4, 2008 Thanks HG, it is hard -- I think in some ways it's harder to break up with a best friend than it is to break up with a lover. Especially someone you've had a relationship with for almost 20 years! I've been her friend through tough times and easy times. We have so much history! I will miss her when she's gone. I hope she sees the light and that they really DO go to marriage counseling. Maybe this time will really be different. I hope it is, for her sake...but I don't have much faith in her H. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 BO, She will always be your friend, you'll see. You will be the first person she will reach out to again. Perhaps at this point it is better that some distance is being put between you. You can not make her decisions for her or run her life but you can love her and be there for her whenever necessary. You need the time away from her to disengage emotionally as it seems you were making her problems your problems. This wasn't good for either one of you. You need to live your life (heard there's a baby coming along. Congratulations!) and she needs to live her own, however, off track it may be. That does not mean you are not the best of friends . It only means that you are respecting eachother's boundaries and life-choices. Go on with your life and yes, when the walls come tumbling down for her again, as they are bound to, just be there to help her on her feet again. In the meantime, go on with your life, keep in touch with her and try to lay off the subject of her husband even when she mentions it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 4, 2008 Author Share Posted February 4, 2008 Thanks for the advice, marlena. It's hard to hear, but it's the truth. I have become too emotionally invested in her choices. I just want her to be happy, but her path to that happiness lies in her choices, not mine..... I feel a bit blue today. I think pregnancy is part of the reason I go upset yesterday. I was feeling a bit testy. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Yeah, those hormones will get you every time, won't they? Glad you (both of you ) are feeling better today. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Ooops! You said you weren't feeling better today! Stubborn little buggers they are theses hormones:mad:. At any rate, hope you feel better tomorrow! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 4, 2008 Author Share Posted February 4, 2008 Eh, I'm probably blue from the lull at work. My due date for payroll tax returns passed on Jan 31 and it was hectic all during January, but now I barely have anything in my inbox. I'm reorganizing a filing cabinet this afternoon, so you can see how exciting things are at work. Thinking about my friend, I must be a bit proprietory in regards to her. Knowing someone for so long can make you think you know what's best for them. Pulling back is the best thing to do. Plus, my SO was poking fun at me last night, play-pouting that he though HE was my best friend. In all truth he really is, he always seems to have my best interests at heart. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Plus, my SO was poking fun at me last night, play-pouting that he though HE was my best friend. In all truth he really is, he always seems to have my best interests at heart. Soon, you'll have another best friend under your roof! Lucky,lucky girl! Link to post Share on other sites
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