...Feeling like crap because of the things my BF said...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Hi everyone. Happy Superbowl day. Go Giants!

 

Anyway, I have been dating my boyfriend since September. Things started out really, really well. We both love each other. He told me he loved me very early on, but I waited a little bit after he said that, just so that I wasn't jumping the gun. I felt like we were in a really loving relationship. We still are, but lately it seems as if he is getting a little too comfortable and therefore is saying some insensitive comments without thinking. I'm starting to feel a little bit down because of some of these comments.

 

For example, I spent the weekend at his house. I'm on my period this weekend so we couldn't have sex, but I still went down on him as often as we normally do, even though I couldn't have anything reciprocated, because I love him and I wanted him to be comfortable and happy. Well, after one of the times that I did that, we started watching TV and V for Vendetta was on. Right away, he started talking about how Natalie Portman is on a list of girls that he would cheat with on me. Now, I realize that this is not going to happen, obviously, but it really hurt my feelings, especially since he continued to talk about it for a minute. It especially hurt my feelings since I had just given him a BJ and had done something really nice for him, but yet he reciprocates his appreciation by making comments that make me feel really low. He has said this type of comment to me before (about someone he would cheat on me with), and granted yes it was a celebrity so it shouldn't be a big deal, but the comments sting. It makes me feel like I am an inferior person and that he doesn't really care about me, especially when said after a sexual act.

 

This weekend, he also had me look at his high school year book and he would point out all the girls that he used to have a crush on as well as his friends. He said about one of them, "I still kind of do" and then said he just said it to mess with me.

 

I didn't make any comments at all in response to his commentary because I didn't want to overreact and I don't want to be one of those girls that twists everything into a negative. We never fight and I try to accomodate his feelings. But, lately I've been realizing that I've been feeling a lower sense of self worth. For instance, I am really critical about my appearance and I feel as if I don't look good enough for him. I know that these are my self-esteem issues but it seems as if lately they have increasingly grown. Do you think I should bring up to my BF that talking about a cheating list really hurts my feelings and that these comments are unnecessary?

[TigerCub]

To be honest, these "I'd cheat on you with such celebrity" comments aren't that harmful if said once in a blue moon.

The guy I'm seeing knows that I've lusted after Denzel Washington since I was 13 and once when he asked me to name a few places I'd like to be right now - first I named Cyprus, then jokingly I said "Under Denzel"

it's just a silly joke.

 

But I see how you would be upset if he said something right after you went down on him, and that is a bit insensitive on his part, and there really is no need to point out the girls from his yearbook that he had a thing for, so I don't think that you're totally over reacting.

 

I would suggest that the next time he does something like that, just say "Ya, know I'm not one of the guys sweetie and I don't need to hear about your 'To Do' list" say it in a normal tone; not pissed off

and if he keeps doing it, then tell him that you find comments like that tasteless and a little bit hurtful to you.

 

That's my suggestion. Hope this helps

[Kamille]

I didn't make any comments at all in response to his commentary because I didn't want to overreact and I don't want to be one of those girls that twists everything into a negative. We never fight and I try to accomodate his feelings. But, lately I've been realizing that I've been feeling a lower sense of self worth. For instance, I am really critical about my appearance and I feel as if I don't look good enough for him. I know that these are my self-esteem issues but it seems as if lately they have increasingly grown. Do you think I should bring up to my BF that talking about a cheating list really hurts my feelings and that these comments are unnecessary?

 

How often does he try to accomodate his feelings?

 

I used to worry about not wanting to be one of those girls until I eventually realized that in trying to not be something, I was also not being myself.

 

You felt those comments he made about Natalie Portman were uncalled for, and you could have told him that. Not to pick a fight or twist things into a negative, but to keep your relationship and your feelings positive. There are multiple ways you could have broached the topic. I find that with time, I become a lot more comfortable letting others know my boundaries in a non-confrontational yet confident way. And once I learned to express myself on touchy issues, I was bothered by less stuff.

 

I think you might fear that if you stand up for yourself in your relationship, then your boyfriend might leave you. I had that fear in the past, with my first bfs. What you need to realize is that if he isn't willing to work on making your relationship a happy one for both of you, then he's not someone you want in your life.

[4givrnt4gtr]

uhh yeah see...no, that aint gonna fly with me, the whole "i would cheat on you with so and so..."

 

WHAT is THAT?!

 

The mere fact that he admits he would consider cheating is bad. I dont care if its with Natalie Portman or one of the angels from Victoria Secrets. THe point is that it sounds like to him cheating is permissible at some point. Not only that, but that for some ungodly reason he doesnt think saying "they are better than you therefore i would swap you for one of them any day" a bad thing.

THats never good

Talk to him about it. Tell ask him what his views on cheating really are and then tell him your really uncomfortable when he makes those comments. Very likely he is gonna tell you he doesnt mean it, and that it would never happen anyway (seeing as how they are famous and all). At that point tell him that the point is that he might one day run into a non famous ridiculously hot girl...who he would consider cheating on you with, and thats just not ok.

 

Let him know how those comments make you feel. If he is worth your time, he will listen and stop them ASAP.

[Kamille]

How often does he try to accomodate his feelings?

 

Typo, I obviously meant to ask how often he tries to accomodate your feelings?

[TigerCub]

uhh yeah see...no, that aint gonna fly with me, the whole "i would cheat on you with so and so..."

 

WHAT is THAT?!

 

The mere fact that he admits he would consider cheating is bad. I dont care if its with Natalie Portman or one of the angels from Victoria Secrets. THe point is that it sounds like to him cheating is permissible at some point.

I think that's SO blown out of proportion, its said jokingly - well at least in my case withy my guy, I'm a very loyal person and I would never cheat, but me jokingly saying to him that "yeah I'd do Denzel" does not in any way translate to our real life and what I see as permissable when it comes to fidelity in a relationship.

 

Very likely he is gonna tell you he doesnt mean it, and that it would never happen anyway (seeing as how they are famous and all).

Because chances are that's true. We're talking about a fantasy - who out of the celebrities one would totally wanna have their way with - its not real and it doesn't reflect anyone's stance on cheating in real life.

 

At that point tell him that the point is that he might one day run into a non famous ridiculously hot girl...who he would consider cheating on you with, and thats just not ok.

 

Let him know how those comments make you feel. If he is worth your time, he will listen and stop them ASAP.

 

I agree that she shouldnt be with someone who's affecting her selfesteem in a negative way (I know that from first hand experience), and she should say something if it bothers her so much, but in all fairness I think that comment silly/unnecessary as it may be doesn't mean that the guy is saying that as soon as he sees a hotter girl, he'd cheat on her.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks for the replies. Well, my issue wasn't that he found another person attractive. Of course not! I find many others attractive, but I don't say it in a demeaning way to him, which is how he says it to me. And I don't list him off people that I want to cheat on him with...For a little back story, before I started a relationship with my BF, I was in a very abusive relationship that was physically and emotionally abusive. My BF knows about this, and he knows that my ex would constantly tell me things like that as well as how he loved other girls, etc in front of me so I am very sensitive to things like that. I don't like to be, which is why I don't voice my opinions about matters like that often. I know some people may think I am too sensitive, but when you were once in a situation where your ex would beat you up if you didn't give him good enough head or if you simply looked at someone else, let alone made a comment like that, while enduring all of his horrible comments, it really has messed with my mind a bit. My BF knows all of my past with my ex, which is why it dissapoints me that he makes lots of comments like these and has in the past. We have also had problems because he used to have a picture of another girl (a friend of his) as the background in his cell for the longest time and would tell him he loved her in front of me, even though it was just as a friend. It really hurt my feelings and it took me forever to bring it up to him, but I finally did. I guess I am feeling so hurt because it's a multitude of comments that pile up and unfortunately, the way I interpret them is giving me a bit of a problem self-esteem wise. I know half of this is my problem, so maybe I should just deal with it on my own.

 

Thank you for all of the replies, again. I really appreciate it. Kamille, he does try to accomodate me in different ways; such as, what I want to do during the weekend. He feels badly sometimes because I will always do what he wants to do and it's hard for me to come up with things of my own choosing since I'm really not used to being able to make that choice. It's hard to explain, but when you've been in a bad situation for so long with somebody always making the decisions for you, it's weird to be let out in the world and be able to decide for yourself. He's aware of this, though, and has helped me with it. However, he's not very accomodating to me in regards to my feelings...as in, he will make really insensitive comments that make me feel low. But this doesn't happen all the time, and it's partly my fault for not speaking up. You're right that I am being accomodating so he doesn't leave. How horrible! I really do need to stand up for my feelings and opinions.

[4givrnt4gtr]

I think that's SO blown out of proportion, its said jokingly - well at least in my case withy my guy, I'm a very loyal person and I would never cheat, but me jokingly saying to him that "yeah I'd do Denzel" does not in any way translate to our real life and what I see as permissable when it comes to fidelity in a relationship.

 

 

Because chances are that's true. We're talking about a fantasy - who out of the celebrities one would totally wanna have their way with - its not real and it doesn't reflect anyone's stance on cheating in real life.

 

 

 

I agree that she shouldnt be with someone who's affecting her selfesteem in a negative way (I know that from first hand experience), and she should say something if it bothers her so much, but in all fairness I think that comment silly/unnecessary as it may be doesn't mean that the guy is saying that as soon as he sees a hotter girl, he'd cheat on her.

 

No no, the problem isnt that he thought someone was hotter, cuz clearly, there are really hot people out there. My bf and I often talk about this, how this person or that person is hot, or even how you would "do" x or y. The problem is that he literally say "i would cheat on you with..."

 

Im sorry but im not ok with someone telling me they are willing to cheat on me....then again depends on the tone too. But obviously she didnt like the tone either otherwise she wouldnt be posting about it.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I just wanted to see if anyone else had any ideas about my situation. Thank you. I appreciate it.

[norajane]

I just wanted to see if anyone else had any ideas about my situation. Thank you. I appreciate it.

 

I would have said something like, "I'll bet Natalie Portman wouldn't go down on you while she had her period. You'd be driving to the drugstore to buy her tampons and peppermint tea."

[THE THRONE]

OP, here is one part of the problem:

 

For instance, I am really critical about my appearance and I feel as if I don't look good enough for him.

 

Chew on that while THE THRONE chews on his hamburger.

[Little Shy]

Go Giants is right! What a game huh?

Anyway, one time a few years back, when I was still rather selfish & insensitive towards the men in my relationships, I made a comment about a celebrity that I thought was completely hot to my boyfriend.

It was the second time I commented on the same celebrity, and on this particular occasion, we were watching a movie with a few of his guy friends, and I just said something basic like "GOd, I just think Sean Penn is sooooo hot!"

Well, the next day or so, he had a real talking to me about it.

He said he had heard enough about how hot I though this actor was, and furthermore, how disgraceful it was that I broadcasted this to a room full of his bro's! And then he told me, (exaggeration or not) that a couple of his bro's looked at him with a sideways glance at that time, like "hey, thats not cool of your chick".

I was flabbergasted! I couldn't believe he was taking this so seriously & getting jealous of my ridiculous adolescent type crush on an unobtainable celebrity.

Whatever I thought aside, the fact is I LISTENED to his feelings first & foremost. If I had, in fact, caused him shame in front of his friends, I felt terrible for that. I didn't want to make him feel inadequate, or less desirable or loved, I felt horrible. After a while of talking it out, because I still felt he was overacting a bit, I just decided that Hey, however ridiculous, or petty I felt my stupid crush was, it's not worth making my real, tangible boyfriend feel like sh** about. So, I figured I would be more careful with him, as I found he was a bit sensitive, & just merely will keep my lame little crush to myself, & save him the despair!

Did I really need to say those things to him anyway? It was just as easy for me not too.

I could just keep those meaningless comments restricted to movie night with the girls.

In your case though, I would say to be aware if he continues to say these comments, is he saying them passive aggressively for a reason?

Hopefully he is not just trying to "put it out there" that you never know... a hot enough girl comes along & he could just go ahead & cheat on you.

I think that as someone else here suggested, that you should indeed address quite directly with him, as my boyfriend of long ago did with me, how this makes you feel, and why he even says that stuff.

The thing that also concerns me in your situation, as you mentioned, is the fact that he should clearly be more considerate of your feelings, considering your recent past history with men.

After I got out of my abusive relationship when I was 18 years old, I would only date SUPER nice sensitive guys.

I was honest with them as you were, & told them about my recent bad experience. It was tough to share that with them. If any of the new men in my life, armed with that information, went ahead & teased me that in some respect or another, I could expect some of that same sh** coming down that pipes from them?? I would have been outta there so fast! That is just plain insensitive and rude.

If he wants a toughened chick that can role with the insensitive commentary/punches, then maybe he isn't the guy for you.

You seem a little sensitive right now, which is totally understandable considering your recent experiences. It's great that you are ready to climb back in the saddle, and experience a trusting, sexual relationship with a new guy! You deserve a bit of respect there.

But just talk to him about this first. See what he says. Maybe he can be as reasonable & introspective about the situation as I was, and straighten out his verbal commentary with you.

Best of luck.

[pisces fish]

What he has said to you is unacceptable. I would seriously break up with a guy who said those things.

[ps123]

I think his comment was innocent enough, but definitely disrespectful towards you. I wouldn't say something like that to anyone I was dating. I dated someone a while back that had dated a few famous people. She used to say that the only thing that came between her and a rockstar was latex. She said she was kidding but it still bugged the crap out of me. Her insensitive comments like that were one of the many reasons I ended things.

 

As far as pointing out that girl and saying he still has a crush on her... thats not such and innocent comment and I would've definitely called him on it. Again, thats just really insensitive and disrespectful. He may have been kidding, but thats not something to joke around about.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone.

 

Well, this morning, I had the day off. I thought that I was working but it turns out, I wasn't. I decided to do something for myself and I went to work out for awhile at the university gym that's near my house. I also went running on the track. I felt like I needed to clear my head. I've been kind of down in the dumps lately. It was weird, though, because at the gym a lot of guys were checking me out. I guess I've been feeling really unnattractive lately. But I feel like I've been breaking down the problems I've been experiencing.

 

1. I know I have a lack of self-esteem. I am trying to work on that through working out, treating myself well, and being nice to myself. It's hard to get through the periods when I feel like this, but I know that it has a bit to do with my past. I am going to go back to therapy.

 

2. When my BF and I first started dating, he would tell me that I was beautiful, etc. I can't remember the last time he has done that. I know that it's a bit silly, but it's hurtful when he will continuously talk about how hot and beautiful all of these other women are, how he had crushes on so and so, and how he would cheat on me with so and so, when he doesn't pay me a compliment like that. It really does hurt. I know that might sound silly, but I have to be honest and say it hurts. I feel like I pay him a lot of comments and pay a lot of attention to him.

 

3. His comments were especially hurtful considering that all weekend, I had my period and I was paying him extra attention by giving him a lot of oral. I don't mean to go into all of these specifics, as I'm sure not everyone wants to hear them, but that's really a part of the problem. Right after doing that for him, he jumps into telling me about how he has a list of girls he would cheat on me with? It hurt me a lot. It made me feel like I was there just to provide him with sexual favors and that was all there was to it. It kind of broke my heart a little bit, to be honest.

 

I guess the way that I'm going to deal with this is through being nicer to myself and trying to get a better hold of my self-esteem. I really don't want to have to be hurt by comments and I think maybe it's a personal problem I have. I'm not sure. I'm a little confused. I really don't want to bring it up to my BF because I feel like it will just create problems. Maybe this is an internal problem I have to deal with. I am going out for coffee with one of my best friends today, so maybe we will talk about it a little bit. We both have been having guy problems as of late. It always helps to have a friend to go to in times of trouble.

Edited February 4, 2008 by XxBacktoBlackXx

[nicki]

Repeat after me: "It's not me. He was insensitive."

 

Listen, you were hurt. There is no use in trying to just not be hurt. Your feelings are your feelings.

 

Your bullsh#t/insensitivity meter is working just fine!

 

I was also in an abusive relationship and it can mess with your head and judgment. You always think it's your fault. Whether you think this in an overt or subtle way, it's always there.

 

Please consider being with a more sensitive guy (like the other poster said.) It would do wonders to heal you, even if you don't end up with the guy long term.

 

Everyone here has given you excellent advice and insight. Reread what they said.

 

Also, if you are ever afraid to bring things up with a boyfriend because you are afraid it will cause problems, then you MUST bring the issue up. Otherwise, you are putting yourself in a fearful and powerless position in the relationship.

 

Think: I need to get what I want, or I'm out. He will respect you more. And if he doesn't, you will respect yourself way more and keep your judgment intact.

 

Make sure he's putting in as much effort and thought as you are.

 

Believe me, if a guy said that to me, I'd say something like NoraJane said! That was perfect!

[nicki]

Oh, and hate to be a game player, but I would not give him any more head until he gave me a little more sensitivity, compliments, etc.....

 

Call it keeping things balanced. Otherwise, you will feel you HAVE to give him head to keep him. Not the right way to think.

 

The right way to think and to express to him is: "I don't feel like giving you head because you haven't made me feel very special lately. Go ask Natalie Portman."

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Nicki, LOL. I don't think I would say it exactly like that, but that did crack me up. I'm not going to not give him head anymore...it's a part of our relationship and I know he enjoys it. I don't want to treat him badly just because he's made really insensitive comments. But, I am thinking about whether or not to bring it up to him. The thing is, it's not just about that comment. It's the fact that he keeps making comments similiar to that one which is hurting my feelings and making me feel inadequate. Maybe I will bring this up to him in a tactful way. I'm not gonna' go off on him, but perhaps I'll say something like, "When you make comments like that, it tends to hurt my feelings, especially since I feel I do all that I can for you in order to make you feel adequate and comfortable. I'm hoping you'll do the same." Maybe something like that.

[Kamille]

Nicki, LOL. I don't think I would say it exactly like that, but that did crack me up. I'm not going to not give him head anymore...it's a part of our relationship and I know he enjoys it. I don't want to treat him badly just because he's made really insensitive comments. But, I am thinking about whether or not to bring it up to him. The thing is, it's not just about that comment. It's the fact that he keeps making comments similiar to that one which is hurting my feelings and making me feel inadequate. Maybe I will bring this up to him in a tactful way. I'm not gonna' go off on him, but perhaps I'll say something like, "When you make comments like that, it tends to hurt my feelings, especially since I feel I do all that I can for you in order to make you feel adequate and comfortable. I'm hoping you'll do the same." Maybe something like that.

 

That sounds like a good way to bring it up. He should be receptive to this. If he isn't that I think you should cut the conversation short and tell him you would like him to consider it for a few days.

 

I worry that he will try to disculpate himself by laying it on you. My ex used to spend a lot of time and energy proving to me how irrational I was about issues like that. My current SO never dismisses my feeling which helps me realize that my ex was abusive.

 

How good have the two of you been on communicating about important stuff?

[pisces fish]

OK you need to get the book Why Men Love Bitches. You are the classic example of a woman who bends over backwards to please her man (the oral thing). For what reason are you treating him like a king. I can't explain it all here but he will not love you if you keep catering to him. You don't owe him sexual favors. You can't f**k him into loving you. He's not going to think 'Oh, that wonderful woman who drove here to give me a bj, I love and cherish her so much.' In actuality he is losing more and more respect for you day by day.

Don't go see him this weekend, be busy. He's a jerk, he doesn't deserve your time.

PLEASE get that book and read it and follow it to a T.

 

 

Thanks for all the replies, everyone.

 

Well, this morning, I had the day off. I thought that I was working but it turns out, I wasn't. I decided to do something for myself and I went to work out for awhile at the university gym that's near my house. I also went running on the track. I felt like I needed to clear my head. I've been kind of down in the dumps lately. It was weird, though, because at the gym a lot of guys were checking me out. I guess I've been feeling really unnattractive lately. But I feel like I've been breaking down the problems I've been experiencing.

 

1. I know I have a lack of self-esteem. I am trying to work on that through working out, treating myself well, and being nice to myself. It's hard to get through the periods when I feel like this, but I know that it has a bit to do with my past. I am going to go back to therapy.

 

2. When my BF and I first started dating, he would tell me that I was beautiful, etc. I can't remember the last time he has done that. I know that it's a bit silly, but it's hurtful when he will continuously talk about how hot and beautiful all of these other women are, how he had crushes on so and so, and how he would cheat on me with so and so, when he doesn't pay me a compliment like that. It really does hurt. I know that might sound silly, but I have to be honest and say it hurts. I feel like I pay him a lot of comments and pay a lot of attention to him.

 

3. His comments were especially hurtful considering that all weekend, I had my period and I was paying him extra attention by giving him a lot of oral. I don't mean to go into all of these specifics, as I'm sure not everyone wants to hear them, but that's really a part of the problem. Right after doing that for him, he jumps into telling me about how he has a list of girls he would cheat on me with? It hurt me a lot. It made me feel like I was there just to provide him with sexual favors and that was all there was to it. It kind of broke my heart a little bit, to be honest.

 

I guess the way that I'm going to deal with this is through being nicer to myself and trying to get a better hold of my self-esteem. I really don't want to have to be hurt by comments and I think maybe it's a personal problem I have. I'm not sure. I'm a little confused. I really don't want to bring it up to my BF because I feel like it will just create problems. Maybe this is an internal problem I have to deal with. I am going out for coffee with one of my best friends today, so maybe we will talk about it a little bit. We both have been having guy problems as of late. It always helps to have a friend to go to in times of trouble.

[Kamille]

OK you need to get the book Why Men Love Bitches. You are the classic example of a woman who bends over backwards to please her man (the oral thing). For what reason are you treating him like a king. I can't explain it all here but he will not love you if you keep catering to him. You don't owe him sexual favors. You can't f**k him into loving you. He's not going to think 'Oh, that wonderful woman who drove here to give me a bj, I love and cherish her so much.' In actuality he is losing more and more respect for you day by day.

Don't go see him this weekend, be busy. He's a jerk, he doesn't deserve your time.

PLEASE get that book and read it and follow it to a T.

 

I was stunned the two times my bf told me, with admiration, you can be such a bitch. (Both times it had nothing to do with him). He knows I have boundaries and will protect myself against people who cross them.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

You know what? I really have been bending over backwards. What's wrong with me? I don't know. I just feel so confused and sad. This weekend, I'm not going over there anyway because there's a dog show that I really wanna' go to which is happening this weekend. I've got a lot of things I need to do which are coming up, anyway. He isn't normally a jerk...it's just when he makes these comments that he is.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Well I sent a really long e-mail to express how I was feeling. I felt like I needed to get everything out:

 

X,

 

I just wanted to write you this E-Mail because I am better at expressing myself either through words or in person, rather than over the phone. I have been feeling a bit down lately. I think I have gotten my thoughts together.

 

I think over the weekend I feel as if I wasn't as appreciated as I normally feel. It's strange for me to say that because I want you to know that I remember you telling me that you appreciated how well we were able to get along and how comfortable we were around one another. I appreciate that. However, I feel like you have been a little bit insensitive and are not thinking about all that I do for you. You know that I like to take care of you as I tell you that all the time. I do, but I don't like to feel disrespected by it. I realize now that I didn't like it that right after I gave you head, you told me about a list of girls that you would cheat on me with when talking about Natalie Portman. That makes me really uncomfortable and I don't understand why you would ever say that, especially after I gave you head. I'm starting to understand that that whole conversation made me uncomfortable. I thought you could tell that I was uncomfortable because I said "Okay, I get the point" but it seemed like you just kept going on about it and it really hurt my feelings, since I went out of my way to make you comfortable all weekend. Honestly, it made me feel like I didn't matter and I was just there to provide sexual enjoyment and that you wanted to make it clear to me that I wasn't close to ideal. I also felt reminded that I bought you that outfit when not a lot of girlfriends I know have done that for their boyfriends. I did it because I loved you and still do. I wanted to make you happy.

 

I almost feel like when you make comments like that, it confuses me because I don't know if you're trying to make me feel less than or unsure of where I stand. For instance, when you were talking about the yearbook people and you pointed out all these girls you used to have a crush on. Honestly, why would I care about that? And why would you tell me that you still have a thing for one of them? I know that I told you that wasn't nice to say and you told me you said it to freak me out, but why do that? Sometimes, I think because of my past I wonder peoples' motivations for things.

 

I guess I want you to know that I love you and that even though I have gotten through my past, it does not mean that I'm not a sensitive person at times. I don't want to hurt you by telling you these things and I know you will tell me that I should have brought it up at the time, but I felt like I did. It seemed like you did not catch on, though. I guess I just feel a little bit underappreciated and a little bit vulnerable. I know that when you make comments like these it's as a joke, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes it makes me feel undervalued. That's why I don't (that I know of) make similar comments to you.

 

I love you very much,

XBacktoBlackX

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Ay, now I feel really foolish after sending that. I wish I hadn't.

[Mary3]

By you being so * nice * you are operating on FEAR.

 

The fear that something will go wrong in this relationship, being super sweet nice for FEAR if you don't what might the consequences be ?

 

Fear of being alone so you submit to these disrespecful lines he tells you.

 

Fear because you shared with him a vulnerability that you were previously abused.

 

Well guess what , you might have picked another . His radar told him you were vulnerable. He was sweet and nice in the beginning and now he takes cheap shots like " Wow I would totally **** this girl in the picture and cheat on you" What the heck is that ?

 

Thats letting you know that you have been knocked down a notch and what do you do ? Be sweet and nice and give him BJ's. What is his consequence ? Absolutely nothing. Whats yours ? Pain and doubt. Embarassed and sad.

 

But you come back like a puppy with tail wagging and seeking his approval. People say " Oh its just a comment , a harmless comment. But for someone who has been abused, its called abuse. Emotional abuse. Who would say " Gosh I want to **** your mom , or Carmen Electra for that matter ? You would save that for the boys. You would not tell your girl. You might say WOW she is pretty but you would not take it further.

 

Your email should have read : " I am not in a position of being totally healed . You knew alot about me coming into this. I am going to continue therapy but as part of my healing I don't want to see you anymore until I feel 100% because your cheap shots hurt me.

I know you could care less but even if you do , its just not normal to tell me that you want to **** other girls in my presence. We are going to take a long break because I should have never gotten involved in another relationship without getting myself straight. I don't want to have much if any contact with you while I heal.