...Feeling like crap because of the things my BF said...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Mary3, Thanks for your input. I don't want to not see my BF anymore because he has made comments like this. I just want him to realize that it really hurt my feelings, and see if he stops. If he continues to do this while knowing that it really hurts me, I will consider that. He really isn't a horrible person and I know that he's not a potential abuser. He is still nice to me...aside from these comments here and there. I love him and I hope that it works out. We'll see. I am going to see what he has to say in regards to my E-mail today.

[Florida]

Mary 3 is right. The absolute worst thing to do to a person who is acting in harmful ways is make excuses for them and become even nicer.

 

I know because I learned the hard way, and it sounds like you are on the path to learning the hard way too.

 

You don't want to believe that a loved one could mean to be abusive, because it is too much for your ego. To accept that, is to accept rejection also.

 

Just don't act so nice and half measured about it all that you end up resenting him, and yourself later, for not taking action now.

[Kamille]

I have to agree with Mary3 and Florida. You're way too nice. It could be that that's just who you are, it could also be that you are dead afraid of people not liking you, so you would rather question yourself, your beliefs and your feelings, then stand up for yourself (and your beliefs and your feelings).

 

You're the one who is hurt, justifyably and understandbly so, and yet there you go apologizing for being hurt. Here is what you basically said: " I'm sorry I was hurt by your comments and I am hoping you will understand why I was hurt for those comments." It's not bad and hopefully he will pull through, but it certainly isn't assertive.

 

The guy might not be a potential abuser, but you're giving him all the power. And I think his comments were intended to test your boundaries. They were rude. You didn't like them. You shouldn't have to worry about justifying that. The starting point should be : "I didn't like those comments and expect you to treat me with more respect from now on". Not "I apologize for being hurt."

[Florida]

I have to agree with Mary3 and Florida. You're way too nice. It could be that that's just who you are, it could also be that you are dead afraid of people not liking you, so you would rather question yourself, your beliefs and your feelings, then stand up for yourself (and your beliefs and your feelings).

 

You're the one who is hurt, justifyably and understandbly so, and yet there you go apologizing for being hurt. Here is what you basically said: " I'm sorry I was hurt by your comments and I am hoping you will understand why I was hurt for those comments." It's not bad and hopefully he will pull through, but it certainly isn't assertive.

 

The guy might not be a potential abuser, but you're giving him all the power. And I think his comments were intended to test your boundaries. They were rude. You didn't like them. You shouldn't have to worry about justifying that. The starting point should be : "I didn't like those comments and expect you to treat me with more respect from now on". Not "I apologize for being hurt."

 

 

So true Kamille!

 

I wish i had LS awhile ago, well my whole life

 

I did what you do Back to Black, and I CRINGE now thinking about it.

 

I hate myself for having been so weak.

 

I , like you, (especially in situations where I was invested) used to practically apologize for my reactions.

 

They would come out like "ummm, remeber when you said ---? Well, like, it made me really uncomfortable, and maybe I can't take a joke, I don't know, umm, I'm sorry but it hurt me-are you mad?? Do you understand? Umm, please don't do it again, it really hurts me""

 

I want to go and punch myself in the face, I want to go back through time and say "what you did was disrespectful, until you can prove to me that you are a worthy person, I won't be taking your calls. Your actions show that I can't trust you with my feelings, so GROW UP, SHAPE UP, or ship out!!"

 

I have done that more recently, but i have a lot of built up rage, as you can see! Back to black I know what I'm sayng, as does everyone else. Don't make the same mistakes I did! It's not too late to change that way of reacting.

 

It is fear. And that fear will be used to keep you in place. You are free, you are powerful, you are worthy. believe it. live it.

 

add on: The weak reactions I used to have to injustices brought about an equally weak reaction in change.

If your #1 priority is in getting him to never say that, it won't happen the way you go about it.

 

Back to black-do you have a list of absolute dump this dude dealbreakers?

Everyone's are different, mine are:

-threatening to end the relationship-using our relationship as a bartering tool.

-talking about other women in a sexually interested way

-inconsistent behavior (doesn't call for a few days with no good reason-- like being in the hospital in a coma.)

-going to lunch or dinner or movie, etc., with another female where I am not included.

-in addition to the obvious no rascism, or physical/emotional abuse.

What are yours?

Edited February 5, 2008 by Florida

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Florida, thanks for your comments. I think my dealbreakers that I know of are:

 

1. Do not cheat on me.

2. Act respectfully of me.

 

I know the second one is very abstract, so I think that's part of my problem. Florida, do you really think it is disrespectful to go to lunch/dinner with other women? My BF has done that before. Well, not really gone to lunch or dinner but has had an EX come over just to talk. I know nothing happened. This was because she had time off from school and they are still friends. They were only together for about 2 hours. I didn't know that should be a dealbreaker. His best friend is also a girl but he only sees her about once a month. The only time that bothered me was when he had her as the background picture of his phone. I talked to him about it and he changed it to mine and said he understood.

 

Anyway, I guess my problem is I don't know how to stand up for myself right. I'm not firm enough. I don't really see this as a reason to break up, unless he is less than understanding of the situation. Then we are going to have problems. The reason why I was so tame in the E-mail is because we have talked about how I don't bring up the problems as they come; I let them sit until it's a bigger problem than it originally was. In this case, though, I felt like I subtly let it known that it bothered me at the time (IE: Saying that it wasn't very nice of him after the yearbook comments and saying that I got the point after the cheating comments, after which he still talked about it), but I know I could have done a better job of making that clear after he made those comments. A couple of hours later, he asked if everything was alright and I said it was, which I thought it was, when really it wasn't. So I can see how he would be frustrated with me, because I have done something like this before.

Edited February 5, 2008 by XxBacktoBlackXx

[Florida]

Florida, thanks for your comments. I think my dealbreakers that I know of are:

 

1. Do not cheat on me.

2. Act respectfully of me.

Unfortunately, there are so many grey areas that can still be disrespectful, and cheating isn't just defined as pee pee in the yin yin.

 

Which is why...see below:

 

I know the second one is very abstract, so I think that's part of my problem. Florida, do you really think it is disrespectful to go to lunch/dinner with other women? My BF has done that before. Well, not really gone to lunch or dinner but has had an EX come over just to talk.

 

In a new relationship, the 1st few months is when you need to set the ground rules. If you compromise now, it will get worse later. My BF thought sleeping over his female friends houses when going out of town was okay before we met. When we started dating, I told him I had a problem with that, and I couldn't be in a relationship if he did that going forwards.

 

See, you 2 have different core values. Tell him you want to meet her, and if they are really friends, then there should be no problem with the 3 of you going out together. At another point I told him that these things were things i could not compromise on:

-no being alone with opposite sex friend , especially in either of their house. It sends a message of indecency and bad intent.

-opposite sex friends should be seen in group settings only

-I have to meet them too

 

We decided on that early on, so it did not become a problem later.

 

 

I know nothing happened. This was because she had time off from school and they are still friends. They were only together for about 2 hours. I didn't know that should be a dealbreaker. His best friend is also a girl but he only sees her about once a month. The only time that bothered me was when he had her as the background picture of his phone. I talked to him about it and he changed it to mine and said he understood.

 

Well it's early still, but next time let him know you should be included!

 

Anyway, I guess my problem is I don't know how to stand up for myself right. I'm not firm enough. I don't really see this as a reason to break up, unless he is less than understanding of the situation. Then we are going to have problems. The reason why I was so tame in the E-mail is because we have talked about how I don't bring up the problems as they come; I let them sit until it's a bigger problem than it originally was. In this case, though, I felt like I subtly let it known that it bothered me at the time (IE: Saying that it wasn't very nice of him after the yearbook comments and saying that I got the point after the cheating comments, after which he still talked about it), but I know I could have done a better job of making that clear after he made those comments. A couple of hours later, he asked if everything was alright and I said it was, which I thought it was, when really it wasn't. So I can see how he would be frustrated with me, because I have done something like this before.

 

Well, if you are anything like me, you have fear of abandonment, so you tread lightly. The problem with that, is that not everyone has your best interest at heart. So watch out for yourself, I tell you-since I *changed*, I get SO much more respect. Because I showed I respected myself first and foremost.

 

And you'll feel better. The rewards are so big. Because if they aren't okay with it, then both can cut their losses and find someone more in keeping.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Well, I still haven't heard from him...we'll see...I just am not feeling very good and just want to cry.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Why am I feeling so confused??

[norajane]

Why am I feeling so confused??

 

Because you finally got up enough nerve to tell your bf that he hurt you, alebeit in a very soft-pedaling kind of way, and now he's not responding to you in any way, much less with an apology.

 

And you are afraid that you pissed him off by saying something, and you are afraid that will mean the end of your relationship.

 

You don't really see (yet) that you are better off without him if he's not the kind of guy who can listen and apologize for hurting you.

 

For whatever reason, you don't want to lose him, so it's confusing you when the guy you want to keep is the guy who is causing you pain.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Well, I still haven't heard anything but he has different hours than I do, and sometimes doesn't get up until 7PM because of what he does. He knows I was gonna' play a Poker Tournament tonight, so he probably doesn't expect me to call him/vice versa 'till about 10. I didn't end up going since I worked out with my sis and hung out with her all day. I guess I'll just call him later or see if he calls me and we can talk then. NoraJane, I think you are right about my reasonings.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Please wait untill he contacts you. Do not call him first.

[Mary3]

Please don't call him.

 

Don't apologize for yourself anymore.

 

Don't make excuses for him . He's a grown man and knows how to use a telephone. I know you care deeply about him. But ultimately , if something he says hurts or offends you , you need to love yourself enough to speak up and say ( right then ) " Hey I would appreciate it if you would stop saying that you want to **** our neighbor ( or whomever ) ect.

 

He is testing you. He is an early abuser. He is seeing if he can say shocking hurtful things. I know you felt a big need to tell him when you met him that you were abused and hope to never have that happen again.

 

My advice : The next guy you start dating please don't tell him you were an abuse victim. Get your therapy , get strong , take lots of time picking someone and there is really no need to tell that person albeit far into the future......

 

If you must stay with this guy you MUST set boundaries. If the boundaries are crossed you must set consequences. Somehow I dont see you strong enough yet to tell him to take a flying leap next time he downgrades you. He may be the type who wants to see how far he can go. Sadly you are the victim here..........

[Florida]

My advice : The next guy you start dating please don't tell him you were an abuse victim. Get your therapy , get strong , take lots of time picking someone and there is really no need to tell that person albeit far into the future......

 

If you must stay with this guy you MUST set boundaries. If the boundaries are crossed you must set consequences. Somehow I dont see you strong enough yet to tell him to take a flying leap next time he downgrades you. He may be the type who wants to see how far he can go. Sadly you are the victim here..........

 

I hope back to takes this advice.

 

Mary-why do you think she shouldn't tell someone new in the future she was abused?

 

I agree, but I want to hear your thoughts. I came to the sad realization that some people, if you tell them that, they don't become nice and protective, maybe the opposite in fact, for example:

 

"well if she settled for less back then, why should I try to impress her? Why should I make up for all the people that hurt her? In fact-maybe since she doesn't think she is worth it, I am starting to feel the same way" kind of thinking emerges."

 

as opposed to:

 

"damn, this lady doesn't take any crap, she only expects the best. I better be really careful and give a lot of respect to this one"

 

This all ties in to "why men love bitches". Back to b I still think you can be your sweet self while developing a strong core that you refuse to let anyone close once they attempt to knock you down.

 

Blue eyes is right-don't call him. If you do-he won't respect you. Call people who show they love you.

[Kamille]

I hate it but it kind of seems like your bf has you engaged in a power play. The e-mail you sent does require aknowledgement. You realize it needs to come from him right? I hope you took everyone's advice and refrained from calling.

 

Back to b I still think you can be your sweet self while developing a strong core that you refuse to let anyone close once they attempt to knock you down.

 

Yes B, I think you need to defend yourself if only to protect your sweetcore. It's obvious you're a sweetheart. Sadly, Florida is right, not every man is ready to honor that. You need to learn to protect yourself until you know the guy you have is worthy of you.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Well, we broke up.

 

When I talked to him on the phone, he hadn't read the E-Mail, so he read it and called me back. We got into a huge discussion about it and then we talked about other issues. I explained to him that it was largely the context of the comment that upset me; the fact that he made the comment about a list of girls to cheat on right after I gave him head. I said I am the type of person to think of sexual acts as sacred in a way, and that the fact that I lost my virginity to him (and he did to me) solidifies these views in my eyes. He said he felt that it was a deeper issue. He doesn't feel like he can be completely comfortable around me if he has to worry about what he says and in his relationships with his friends, and he would hope with his significant other, he could have that kind of repoir. He also told me that the multitude of issues I've had with certain things has added up (for instance, when I felt a little bit hurt that he had a picture of another girl on the background of his phone all the time...she is a friend of his). He feels that me disliking that signifies that I do not trust him in the relatioship. I never asked him to change the picture off his phone, I just told him that it made me feel weird and that I didn't understand it. When he explained to me his relationship with this friend, I felt fine.

 

Then, I told him that I've had to make sacrifices for him throughout this relationship. For instance, I completely gave up drinking because he doesn't agree with it and I am not on anti-depressants anymore because he doesn't like that. I said that that was a major uproot in my life, much moreso than me asking about a picture and being hurt by comments made after sex. I also accomodate him in many ways, and these are partly sacrifices on my part. For example, every weekend I drive to see him not vice versa because he lives with his mom and I live with too many people, so it wouldn't be possible for him to stay here. Later on, I said maybe it would be best if we took a break right now because we are both at transitioning periods in our lives. So, we decided to do that. But then, later that evening I got really drunk with my sister...ridiculously wasted. We drank wine and watched an Amy Winehouse DVD cause I wanted to wallow in pain...lol. I stayed up all night really, really drunk and eventually got on-line as did he. He IMed me and we talked for a bit but I was still drunk. He was dissapointed that right after we discussed having a break, I went right ahead and drank. In our relationship, I promised him that I would give up drinking completely, even just a glass with my parents once in awhile. I guess after we decided to take a break for a bit, I felt like I wanted to do something to signify a bit of taking my life back. Maybe that wasn't the best way to do it. Anyway, through this conversation, he told me that he doesn't want us to be out of a relationship and that he didn't realize how hard this would be for him to take. We chatted for awhile and I guess we are still together. I kept sending him porn links because I was a bit tipsy and so we talked about sexual things and he kept calling me his girlfriend.

 

Right now, I don't really know what's going on to be honest. I guess we are still together but on a break. I have no idea.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Ay, I'm feeling so sad right now and confused. =(

[norajane]

I am not on anti-depressants anymore because he doesn't like that

 

This part concerns me. What effect has it had on you to go off the meds?

 

Is that something you discussed with your doctor before doing so? I hope you didn't just go off them just because this guy didn't 'like' it!! This is your mental health we're talking about! He isn't a psychiatrist and has NO IDEA how that could affect you!

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Seconded, norajane. That can't be healthy for you OR your relationship.

 

B2B, you do not deserve this guy. You deserve someone as selfless, understanding, and accommodating as you have been to him, despite that he nowhere near deserves it.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Well, to be honest with you, part of the reason that I want to take a break (which I didn't realize last night, but I've resolved this with myself today) is that recently, I went to an appointment because I was starting to go off my medications. I take Lexapro for depression. I was starting to take a lesser dose as you aren't supposed to go off of them completely. Well, at this new place, I had to have an intake taken, which means they gather all of your medical history and emotional history and then decide who you will be seeing. I am also planning to go through therapy with this place, so it was necessary. During the screening, the doctor/psychiatrist (I am not exactly sure of her title, but obviously somebody with a medical history), told me that she is pretty sure that I've been misdiagnosed in the past. I used to take medication for ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) because I have periods of times where I am very restless, and want to do many things and start many projects. I can do kind of damaging things during this time (for example, spend a lot of money on-line. I've never gone into debt, though). Well, this doctor told me she thinks I have Bipolar Disorder. I only had this appointment yesterday, so I didn't discuss it with my BF because we were too busy with our little scrabbles. Anyway, I am partly looking forward to this break so that I can see where I stand with new medication and see if I feel it is necessary. I feel really torn about a lot of things right now.

[Walk]

Sorry to intrude but I wanted to give my 2 cents on this.

He doesn't feel like he can be completely comfortable around me if he has to worry about what he says and in his relationships with his friends, and he would hope with his significant other, he could have that kind of repoir.

I have heard this same line from two different significant others. And I spent a great deal of time pondering this because I don't want someone to feel they have to censore themselves around me... especially an SO. But the truth is, I'm not his best guy friend, and he's not my best girl friend. He's my SO. And because of that, we both need to take care in not saying things that will hurt the others feelings. We are at our most vulnerable with each other, which means we have to take great care with each others feelings.

 

Besides, men hate it when women say the same thing in reverse. Its all fun and games as long as the guy is saying it, but flip the tables and watch them get pissed! My ex used to tell me he'd bone britney spears in a heart beat, and when I'd whine about how it bothered me (please don't say that, it hurts my feelings..) he'd tell me I wasn't allowing him to be who he is, and he meant nothing by it, and I was too sensitive, blah blah... So one day I told him I'd screw brad pitt in a heart beat. Man, you should've seen the look on his face. Talk about hurt! He went on for 2 hours about how hurt he was by that comment.

 

Which gets me to my point... my ex didn't respect me, or how I felt, so he disregarded my feelings. It was only when it affected him, did he decide there was a problem. Your bf doesn't respect you and you don't demand respect. You ask that he not hurt you and he's shrugging his shoulders saying "so what". He won't change because change would affect him. Its not worth the effort. That's what he means when he says "he can't be completely comfortable around you if he has to worry about what he says". Its lazy man speak for, your feelings are not worth the effort to change.

 

He also told me that the multitude of issues I've had with certain things has added up (for instance, when I felt a little bit hurt that he had a picture of another girl on the background of his phone all the time...she is a friend of his). He feels that me disliking that signifies that I do not trust him in the relatioship. I never asked him to change the picture off his phone, I just told him that it made me feel weird and that I didn't understand it. When he explained to me his relationship with this friend, I felt fine.

You had a normal reaction, and asked him to discuss it with you. And he uses this as "proof" that you're asking him to change beyond his comfort zone???? WTF? A person has to earn trust. You don't just hand it over with a big bow on it. Of course you're going to question why he has another girls picture up. Its NORMAL. Adults bring up questions regarding their SO's actions, they discuss it, and resolve it. That is how trust is built.

 

A lack of trust would be to check his recent call list to see if he had too many calls to a girl, or too long of calls. That would signify a lack of trust. But handling it in an adult manner and accepting his reasons as valid, shows a great deal of trust and faith in someone. If he were more of an adult himself, he would see that.

 

Later on, I said maybe it would be best if we took a break right now because we are both at transitioning periods in our lives. So, we decided to do that. But then, later that evening I got really drunk with my sister......

 

He was dissapointed that right after we discussed having a break, I went right ahead and drank.

 

I felt like I wanted to do something to signify a bit of taking my life back. Maybe that wasn't the best way to do it. Anyway, through this conversation, he told me that he doesn't want us to be out of a relationship and that he didn't realize how hard this would be for him to take.

This guy has some problems. I really think taking a break from him is in your best interest. Someone who can so flippantly ask you to do so much, yet complain about refraining from saying a comment they supposedly don't even mean... it seems selfish, a bit controlling, and extremely lazy.

 

It seemed like the only point that he really expressed desire to work on things is after you established your independence from him. Is that the type of person you want in your life? Where he'll only think about your feelings, or wishes AFTER he's realized he can't pressure you to accept his way. Or do you want someone who's going to listen to how you feel, discuss it in a logical way, and attempt to comprimise so you'll both be happy?

 

You do so much for this guy. He's lazy about the relationship. You've asked him for very small things in return, and he's throwing a hissy fit about it. Stick with this break, get a little distance, and then decide if he's really a person you want to entrust your heart with.

[SunnySideUp]

backtoblack

 

I feel for you, so much. Even though I don't know you, you seem like such a kind-hearted, caring individual and I sympathize with your pain.

 

I think you're putting up with more BS than you deserve. If my husband of 2 1/2 years ever had a picture of another girl he knows on the background of his phone, I would want to know why, and still probably divorce him. I don't think there's any reason why someone would put a picture of someone of the opposite sex on the background of their phone while they were in a relationship, unless they were lusting after them.

 

You should not have to sacrifice things to be in a relationship. You should not have to stop doing things you like to be in a relationship, and certainly should not have to stop medication you need (or don't need, I guess...) just because your significant other has issues with it. He is controlling your behavior. There are many people in the world you could be in a relationship with who would not want to change you, and not try to control your actions and thoughts like your BF is. I agree, the initial comment he made about Natalie Portman was extremely insensitive. That's not what gets me though, what gets me is the fact that he tried to make you feel bad for expressing that you didn't like him saying that. He is MANIPULATIVE. And it's working for him, so he's not going to stop.

 

This seems like a very unhealthy relationship. PLEASE run while you can. You deserve an equal partner. You deserve it.

[Mary3]

I hope back to takes this advice.

 

Mary-why do you think she shouldn't tell someone new in the future she was abused?

 

I agree, but I want to hear your thoughts. I came to the sad realization that some people, if you tell them that, they don't become nice and protective, maybe the opposite in fact, for example:

 

"well if she settled for less back then, why should I try to impress her? Why should I make up for all the people that hurt her? In fact-maybe since she doesn't think she is worth it, I am starting to feel the same way" kind of thinking emerges."

 

as opposed to:

 

"damn, this lady doesn't take any crap, she only expects the best. I better be really careful and give a lot of respect to this one"

 

This all ties in to "why men love bitches". Back to b I still think you can be your sweet self while developing a strong core that you refuse to let anyone close once they attempt to knock you down.

 

Blue eyes is right-don't call him. If you do-he won't respect you. Call people who show they love you.

 

There is a certain vulnerability for the formerly abused victim.

 

There are men who are abusive ( emotional / physical ) who seem to seek out on * radar * women who are hurt and lonely .

 

How do you think abusers continually find women they can control , manipulate , use and abuse ?

 

They certainly would not have much success with a strong emotionally stable women ,right ? They pick and choose the women who is confused , or sad , or lonely , or been in a bad break-up and begin their tirade of demands , assumptions, contolling behaviors. It starts slow but pretty soon it goes full blown.

 

Thats why OP needs to work on herself and get therapy , learn self-love , and NEVER tolerate anything less than the best kind of treatment.

 

OP must also learn you cannot * change a man * Pick and choose wisely . Men take * a woman trying to change them * as criticism . Thats why men are like bad fish. We pull one in , its bad , we throw it back in the water and keep fishing

[Mary3]

If he respected you there would have NOT been another girl on his cellphone screen saver.

 

He sees alot of work in this relationship and he is not willing to work with you . Instead against you.

 

But you have broken up . Use this time to heal yourself ( I would say I am sorry you have broken up but I can't say that because that would not be true ) I am sorry for any pain you have had to go through .

 

You can always write us here and let us know how your life is going. New dates ... Do's and Don't

 

Thats why we are here . To hopefully help you .

[THE THRONE]

THE THRONE says this break up is the best thing to happen in this relationship, and THE THRONE wants you to know that things will turn out better if you follow the advice given and stick to your guns.

 

Keep your head up.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I feel a bit horrible. I feel like I've made my BF out to be a monster, when he isn't at all. He actually treats me in a very loving manner aside from a few comments I have outlined. He is in no way abusive to me at all. I want to clarify that because I have been there and I would not go back. Also, the fact that I was in an abusive relationship hasn't been attractive to him or attracted him to me. He admires my strength in getting out of it, but he feels as if I judge him according to my abusive EX (IE: After the New Years party, when I got really upset about him making an "I love you" comment to another and then cried to him and told him my EX used to do that in front of me all the time...which is when the cell phone picture got brought up). I don't judge him with my EX, though. I just think that I don't want to get in a position where I'm disrespected now, and so I try to stand up for myself. He kind of mistakes that as me pre-judging him to be exactly like my EX. I do understand that problem that he has with our relationship.

 

He has always been really sweet to me and understanding whenever I had a problem with something (IE: At the beginning of our relationship, I said I didn't want to do anything sexual for a bit just so that I knew our relationship was real. He stood by me with that. Prior to my saying that, we had already done oral sex, etc. but I guess I just got scared that the same thing would happen to me. Two weeks later, I said I was more comfortable). I also once started crying because I had had a conversation with a friend about swinging couples and she told me that 1/2 of all couples swing or want to swing. I thought about it too much and when I was at his house, I started crying before he touched me because I wanted to make sure that he didn't want anything like that to happen. That is something I regret, because I had a mini-cry spell over nothing. I also semi-own a car but it's under my parents' insurance. My mom is really over-protective of me, so in the beginning of our relationship, it was hard for me to be able to leave for weekends at a time. Throughout the progression of our relationship, I started to break free from my mom's grasp and would drive to see him every weekend. Sometimes I would call and say I wouldn't be able to make it initially, because my mom would freak out about it being too snowy or sleety, but eventually I always came. I know that was really frustrating for him, which I understand. Then, after I sent him the polite E-Mail about his commentary, that's when I think he thought about the culmination of all of these mini-problems and it started to really take it's toll on him.

 

That's why I think he agreed with the break initially, and was going to bring up the idea to me anyway, I assume but later that morning, when I had been drinking, we talked on-line and decided that ending the relationship would be too hard right now. Then last night, I talked to him on the phone and we discussed how technically we are still together right now. I am going to be seeing him this weekend. I think it will be good in a way to be able to talk about these problems face to face. We have actually been getting along a lot better now, though we always did get along. We have never fought, except for when we discussed our issues the night of our mini-break decision. We've always been really civil and loving towards each other. I think we both have a different philosophy as to what constitutes respect in a relationship and what constitutes as appropriate. He honestly doesn't want to be disrespectful. He has a different idea of how people should interact. From our talk after the E-Mail, I gathered that he thinks it's fun and a joke for couples to talk about a list of celebrities they would cheat on the other with, and wouldn't mind if I had said the same thing. I really don't think he is lying to me as he is always straight forward. I think he just doesn't see it as a big deal. But our conversation made him feel paranoid that any type of comment he said about even just another woman being attractive would be an issue for me and that he felt as if he had to change a lot in regards to his way of dealing with our relationship.

 

I don't want to make it out that my BF is some kind of creep, because he's not. He just has a hard time understanding why I would be sensitive about comments in regards to other women. And he thinks by me being upset about certain issues, signifies that I don't trust him, even though I do. It's hard to be in a relationship with different philosophical backgrounds, I guess and different cultures as in my culture I am raised to believe that you act a certain way around a significant other, when he believes that it's loving to just be who you are. Ay, I guess I will see how this weekend goes.