...Feeling like crap because of the things my BF said...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Ugh, I'm just feeling sick right now and so sad. I just needed to vent this.

[PinkKittyKat]

I think we both have a different philosophy as to what constitutes respect in a relationship and what constitutes as appropriate. He honestly doesn't want to be disrespectful. He has a different idea of how people should interact. From our talk after the E-Mail, I gathered that he thinks it's fun and a joke for couples to talk about a list of celebrities they would cheat on the other with, and wouldn't mind if I had said the same thing. I really don't think he is lying to me as he is always straight forward. I think he just doesn't see it as a big deal. But our conversation made him feel paranoid that any type of comment he said about even just another woman being attractive would be an issue for me and that he felt as if he had to change a lot in regards to his way of dealing with our relationship.

 

Yes, it does seem like a fundamental difference in expectations. But honestly, in my opinion, if you guys were walking down the street or watching a movie, and you pointed out a guy and said, "Oh man, look at that guy, I'd let him do anything he wanted to me and then I'd beg for more!" he would NOT be impressed. He's saying that it's fun and a joke so you will be cool with it, and say, "Oh, he is just joking. And he thought I would joke back in that way as well."

He's probably also fairly certain he'd never have to hear your thoughts on the matter, ie. that you would NOT make cheating comments about "insert male actor here".

And the fact that it's a celebrity makes it okay is so retarded to me. Also, he made comments about girls in high school that he did(and does) have crushes on. He wasn't messing with you, he was testing the waters. Seriously. This guy is bad news.

[Walk]

IHe has always been really sweet to me and understanding whenever I had a problem with something

No one is saying your bf (ex?) is ALL bad. If he was only a rotten and horrible person then you wouldn't be with him. It'd be simple. You'd dump him. So we know he's got his good traits. Postive traits that you enjoy and love about him. What we are saying (at least *I* am sayin this), is that he also has some bad traits to him that are negatively affecting you.

 

At the beginning of our relationship, I said I didn't want to do anything sexual for a bit just so that I knew our relationship was real.

 

I also once started crying because I had had a conversation with a friend about swinging couples ..... when I was at his house, I started crying .....I had a mini-cry spell over nothing.

Okay, you were overly emotional about something that probably shouldn't have bothered you. If I had a dollar for every time I did somethin irrational like this to my bf I'd be a millionare by now. If you add in the fact that you stopped taking anti-depressants because he told you too, then the crying spell is completely his fault. The LEAST he could do is be sympathetic and accept that occasionally things are going to set you off that normally wouldn't. HE wanted you to go off the medication. You did nothing wrong.

 

I also semi-own a car but it's under my parents' insurance. My mom is really over-protective of me, ...........it was hard for me to be able to leave for weekends at a time. ... I would drive to see him every weekend.

You're telling me he doesn't drive to come see you??? Not even half the time? Why? Doesn't he own a car? Why are you apologizing for this? Your parents were gracious enough to allow you to use their insurance for your car, and you owe them a modicum or respect for that (which you've been attemptin to give them). But because your bf feels he's highest priority then you feel you have to apologize to him because you know that its not right to blatantly disrespect your parents after they did something nice for you. Why is this your fault??? Your bf wants more then you should have to give.

 

Sometimes I would call and say I wouldn't be able to make it initially,... but eventually I always came.

So even though it would have been unsafe for you to drive, or you had to piss your parents off if you went, or there was another equally valid reason for you NOT to drive to see him... then you still pushed all that aside in order to be with him. You gave up everything to be with him, and you're apologizing because you feel you didn't jump quick enough?

 

I know that was really frustrating for him, which I understand.

I don't understand what was frustrating to him. Can you please explain this? I would really like to understand, but I'm having a hard time with how your actions could have possibly caused him to be frustrated.

 

I sent him the polite E-Mail about his commentary, that's when I think he thought about the culmination of all of these mini-problems and it started to really take it's toll on him.

 

Those weren't mini-problems. YOU drive to see him. YOU have to use your own gas, risk your life in bad weather, risk the ire of your parents, and use your own time and energy in order to be with him. What does he have to complain about? That you're not giving enough?? Does he do any of this for YOU? You aren't doing anything wrong! You're giving your all and he's picking at it to see if you'll back down. And you did. You've even convinced yourself that you're somehow in the wrong for not jumping fast enough, or high enough.

 

This guy probably isn't all bad. He probably has really great things about him. What bothers me is you are devauling what you do to such a degree that even hard work on your part has to be apologized for. If I had to do what you have been doing every week for months, I'd expect my man to appreciate it. Not tell me I was some how wrong for being a late on occasion. You are giving a hell of a lot to this relationship. Put some stock in your own self-worth.

 

And you don't have to suddenly have an epiphany and see things as others would like you to see them. It takes time to have belief in yourself. But please, remind yourself that you are worth while enough that the time you give to someone else is valuable and deserves to be appreciated.

[THE THRONE]

I feel a bit horrible. I feel like I've made my BF out to be a monster, when he isn't at all. He actually treats me in a very loving manner aside from a few comments I have outlined. He is in no way abusive to me at all. I want to clarify that because I have been there and I would not go back. Also, the fact that I was in an abusive relationship hasn't been attractive to him or attracted him to me. He admires my strength in getting out of it, but he feels as if I judge him according to my abusive EX (IE: After the New Years party, when I got really upset about him making an "I love you" comment to another and then cried to him and told him my EX used to do that in front of me all the time...which is when the cell phone picture got brought up). I don't judge him with my EX, though. I just think that I don't want to get in a position where I'm disrespected now, and so I try to stand up for myself. He kind of mistakes that as me pre-judging him to be exactly like my EX. I do understand that problem that he has with our relationship.

 

He has always been really sweet to me and understanding whenever I had a problem with something (IE: At the beginning of our relationship, I said I didn't want to do anything sexual for a bit just so that I knew our relationship was real. He stood by me with that. Prior to my saying that, we had already done oral sex, etc. but I guess I just got scared that the same thing would happen to me. Two weeks later, I said I was more comfortable). I also once started crying because I had had a conversation with a friend about swinging couples and she told me that 1/2 of all couples swing or want to swing. I thought about it too much and when I was at his house, I started crying before he touched me because I wanted to make sure that he didn't want anything like that to happen. That is something I regret, because I had a mini-cry spell over nothing. I also semi-own a car but it's under my parents' insurance. My mom is really over-protective of me, so in the beginning of our relationship, it was hard for me to be able to leave for weekends at a time. Throughout the progression of our relationship, I started to break free from my mom's grasp and would drive to see him every weekend. Sometimes I would call and say I wouldn't be able to make it initially, because my mom would freak out about it being too snowy or sleety, but eventually I always came. I know that was really frustrating for him, which I understand. Then, after I sent him the polite E-Mail about his commentary, that's when I think he thought about the culmination of all of these mini-problems and it started to really take it's toll on him.

 

That's why I think he agreed with the break initially, and was going to bring up the idea to me anyway, I assume but later that morning, when I had been drinking, we talked on-line and decided that ending the relationship would be too hard right now. Then last night, I talked to him on the phone and we discussed how technically we are still together right now. I am going to be seeing him this weekend. I think it will be good in a way to be able to talk about these problems face to face. We have actually been getting along a lot better now, though we always did get along. We have never fought, except for when we discussed our issues the night of our mini-break decision. We've always been really civil and loving towards each other. I think we both have a different philosophy as to what constitutes respect in a relationship and what constitutes as appropriate. He honestly doesn't want to be disrespectful. He has a different idea of how people should interact. From our talk after the E-Mail, I gathered that he thinks it's fun and a joke for couples to talk about a list of celebrities they would cheat on the other with, and wouldn't mind if I had said the same thing. I really don't think he is lying to me as he is always straight forward. I think he just doesn't see it as a big deal. But our conversation made him feel paranoid that any type of comment he said about even just another woman being attractive would be an issue for me and that he felt as if he had to change a lot in regards to his way of dealing with our relationship.

 

I don't want to make it out that my BF is some kind of creep, because he's not. He just has a hard time understanding why I would be sensitive about comments in regards to other women. And he thinks by me being upset about certain issues, signifies that I don't trust him, even though I do. It's hard to be in a relationship with different philosophical backgrounds, I guess and different cultures as in my culture I am raised to believe that you act a certain way around a significant other, when he believes that it's loving to just be who you are. Ay, I guess I will see how this weekend goes.

 

 

THE THRONE doesn't feel like reading all of this, because you lost THE THRONE with the second sentence. If you want to stay in a relationship where you're being mentally and emotionally castrated (even though you aren't a guy) by all means continue, make excuses for him, and wallow in self-pity.

[KissYouBack]

A lot of women are critical of themselves because of what their boyfriends (or husbands) say to them. First of all, you should feel hurt by what he said, because there are some pretty hurtful things in there. Sure, couples sometimes joke about celebrities that they think are attractive, but it should never feel like a serious put down or have a negative vibe to it.

 

I'm not sure how old you guys are, but it sounds to be that there is a lot of immaturity on your boyfriend's part (regardless of his age). A real man is one that makes you feel good about yourself, not just the other way around. I would hope that your relationship doesn't have issues like this all the time, otherwise maybe you're not with someone that is good for you in the long-term. Any one that says things purposely just to hurt you is insecure (or just stupid) and is probably not ready for a serious, loving relationship. Hopefully it goes better for you.

[pisces fish]

You are thinking he is a good guy simply because he isn't abusive in the way your ex was.

This guy is not in love with you.

He would cheat on you in a second, if he hasn't already.

He treats you like crap. I have never had a guy treat me the way this guy has treated you.

He's slime, lose him.

[Mary3]

Post # 7 : For a little back story, before I started a relationship with my BF, I was in a very abusive relationship that was physically and emotionally abusive. My BF knows about this, and he knows that my ex would constantly tell me things like that as well as how he loved other girls, etc in front of me so I am very sensitive to things like that. I don't like to be, which is why I don't voice my opinions about matters like that often. I know some people may think I am too sensitive, but when you were once in a situation where your ex would beat you up if you didn't give him good enough head or if you simply looked at someone else, let alone made a comment like that, while enduring all of his horrible comments, it really has messed with my mind a bit. My BF knows all of my past with my ex, which is why it dissapoints me that he makes lots of comments like these and has in the past.

 

There is your answer. He KNOWS about it and is doing the same thing. Your other boyfriend told you he loved other girls. This one is telling you he wants to **** other girls . Apples and Oranges ?

 

I believe in one of your posts you told the reason why YOU drive down there. Can you refresh us ?

[mistie03]

So true Kamille!

 

 

Back to black-do you have a list of absolute dump this dude dealbreakers?

Everyone's are different, mine are:

-threatening to end the relationship-using our relationship as a bartering tool.

-talking about other women in a sexually interested way

-inconsistent behavior (doesn't call for a few days with no good reason-- like being in the hospital in a coma.)

-going to lunch or dinner or movie, etc., with another female where I am not included.

-in addition to the obvious no rascism, or physical/emotional abuse.

What are yours?

OMG! I just ended a 7 1/2 year relationship with a guy like this! He did all of the things that you listed except, as far as I know, the outings with other women. I wouldn't be a bit surprised though, since he used to disappear for anywhere from 3 days to a week at a time.

 

One time, he wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks because I wasn't in the mood for sex. I work at home for a company and he was always showing up while I was working. He would say, "Come in here and give me some *****". It felt degrading. It didn't matter to him if I was tired, had a deadline or just wasn't in the mood. After so many years of going out of my way (like Back to Black did) to please him. He didn't appreciate it -- He expected it!

 

After he walked out mad and frustrated that day and didn't talk to me for 2 weeks, he said we needed to talk. I thought we were going to talk about our relationship. I was WRONG. He informed me that if I didn't take time away from my job for him, I relationship was OVER! He never once asked how I felt. He had a total lack of empathy for me.

 

I should have ended the relationship right then, but didn't (that was in October). The final straw came at the holidays. He disappeared for a week and didn't call on Christmas Day. When I told him I was upset and why, he took offense and acted like I was out of line to call him out on anything.

 

I am not saying that Back to Black's boyfriend is like the guy that I just broke up with, but I see some red flags. Our relationship started out a lot like what she describes. It never got better. As time went on, it got much worse.

 

I haven't had contact with my ex in a month now. I cringe when I think about the way I let him use me. I always wanted more than what that relationship gave me. I just didn't want to cause problems. The relationship left me with an irksome feeling. I am free now! I'm so glad. NC contact and reading forums like this has helped me tremendously. I love you all for the help that you give people.

 

ETA: I also read about the rules of 3 on another board that I thought was a really good dealbreaker:

 

Make the Rule of 3 your personal policy:

 

1) One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding.

 

2) Two may involve a serious problem

 

3) But 3 lies says that you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.

 

Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.

 

Don't give your time, money, work, secrets, or affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.

Edited February 8, 2008 by mistie03

[millergirl]

Yes, yes, yes...you need to bring these feeling up to him....You can't hold back your feelings, it won't work. You are going to build up resentments towards him and ulitmately that will end the relationship. He was VERY insensitive to say those things to you, I would have lit my husband up for that. That is so wrong on so many levels. For him to say that he would cheat on you for someone is wrong. I don't care if she is a celebrity or not. There are alot of good looking women out there..some even better looking than Natalie Portman, will he be willing to cheat on you with someone he meets that is attractive to him?

 

You are worth more than that. Don't ever let anyone do that to you because by doing that you are letting someone define who you are. I am sure you are beautiful person and he is making you feel less than that. Shame on him!

[mistie03]

She did bring it up to him, and he reacted by breaking up with her. That is a huge red flag to me.

[Mary3]

She did bring it up to him, and he reacted by breaking up with her. That is a huge red flag to me.

 

Its so HUGE of a red flag its on fire ! Don't waste any more of your precious thoughts about this man.

 

I always believe in this theory : Never give energy to something thats not equally giving it back. If someone doesn't call you or take the time to spend with you , then they are treating you like low priority.

 

Don't give anything back to that person. not your thoughts , your time , your body . Nothing.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Hi everyone. I'm back.

 

Well, we had a really nice weekend together. He apologized to me for saying anything hurtful and didn't make any comments at all over the weekend. We both really enjoyed each others company. We talked on the phone today and discussed what we felt in terms of a break. He said he didn't need one right now and I said I didn't think I did either. I'm staying at his house from Thursday to Sunday. I feel a knot in my stomach, though. I don't know why.

[Mary3]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone.

 

Well, this morning, I had the day off. I thought that I was working but it turns out, I wasn't. I decided to do something for myself and I went to work out for awhile at the university gym that's near my house. I also went running on the track. I felt like I needed to clear my head. I've been kind of down in the dumps lately. It was weird, though, because at the gym a lot of guys were checking me out. I guess I've been feeling really unnattractive lately. But I feel like I've been breaking down the problems I've been experiencing.

 

1. I know I have a lack of self-esteem. I am trying to work on that through working out, treating myself well, and being nice to myself. It's hard to get through the periods when I feel like this, but I know that it has a bit to do with my past. I am going to go back to therapy.

 

2. When my BF and I first started dating, he would tell me that I was beautiful, etc. I can't remember the last time he has done that. I know that it's a bit silly, but it's hurtful when he will continuously talk about how hot and beautiful all of these other women are, how he had crushes on so and so, and how he would cheat on me with so and so, when he doesn't pay me a compliment like that. It really does hurt. I know that might sound silly, but I have to be honest and say it hurts. I feel like I pay him a lot of comments and pay a lot of attention to him.

3. His comments were especially hurtful considering that all weekend, I had my period and I was paying him extra attention by giving him a lot of oral. I don't mean to go into all of these specifics, as I'm sure not everyone wants to hear them, but that's really a part of the problem. Right after doing that for him, he jumps into telling me about how he has a list of girls he would cheat on me with? It hurt me a lot. It made me feel like I was there just to provide him with sexual favors and that was all there was to it. It kind of broke my heart a little bit, to be honest.

 

I guess the way that I'm going to deal with this is through being nicer to myself and trying to get a better hold of my self-esteem. I really don't want to have to be hurt by comments and I think maybe it's a personal problem I have. I'm not sure. I'm a little confused. I really don't want to bring it up to my BF because I feel like it will just create problems. Maybe this is an internal problem I have to deal with. I am going out for coffee with one of my best friends today, so maybe we will talk about it a little bit. We both have been having guy problems as of late. It always helps to have a friend to go to in times of trouble.

 

Well apparently you are okay with : Giving him plenty of oral , being nicey nice all the time ( as if that is going to keep a guy around ~ they become bored when someone like you ,that has no opinion , no backbone and still continue to remain a prime candidate for abuse of another kind ) and keep taking his garbage talk that will again spew out of his mouth eventually here... So I guess you are done needing help and everything will be okay now right ?

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Mary, I'm not okay with it. I wrote about how this past weekend we had a really nice weekend together and he apologized for everything as well as didn't make any comments or say anything hurtful to me. Things have been going pretty well. We are back together. We are both kind of at a turning point in our lives, though, so I don't know how long it will last. For instance, he is wanting to pursue a career that will take him to another state a couple times a month. I don't know what will happen with that. I feel like he is very focused on this but doesn't realize that I also have career plans. I'm going to school in hopes of becoming a paralegal. This is very important to me. He does understand how I feel about law and about these types of things and is sweet and understanding about it but I'm not sure if he sees it as on the same level as his goals. I'm sure he does, however he talks about his a lot. I love him and I know he really does love me. I have been typing about our problems, rather than the sweet things he does for me. This weekend, he brought me breakfast in bed and told me how much he loved me and how amazing I was, etc. He made me dinner. He does sweet things like that a lot.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Well, I had the day off so I went to the library to check out some books and read a bit. I bought a book about how to stop people pleasing and about how to say no to people.

[Mary3]

Well, I had the day off so I went to the library to check out some books and read a bit. I bought a book about how to stop people pleasing and about how to say no to people.

 

I used to not know how to say * No * . I read a book about assertion when I was around 20 years old. I praticed it and would tell salesman that called on the phone * no thank you * just like if someone is knocking on the door ( of course I usually don't open it since I live alone , lol ) But I can yell *no* through the door.

 

Its *deeper* though for you because you have the unmistaken belief that if you just try hard enough , be nice enough , do millions of nice things for this man that he will appreciate it all.

 

Just think if someone was constantly nicey nice to you ALL the time , never disagreed with you about anything , cooked you breakfast . lunch and dinner. Did millions of things for you . Well at first it sounds nice but after awhile you know its not Reality. Its OKAY to say no to oral , no to sex ( let me shoot myself for that one , lol , ) and that you really do feel sick and just want to lay in bed and let him wait on you too.

 

I only have one thing left to say : * Balance * If YOU can tell me that its equal , meaning he drives 50% of the time, he takes you to dinner , he does tons of stuff for you and you are doing it back , then I will leave you alone. I dont mean to confuse that with * tit for tat *. Its not a game or a race , its just evenly balanced and that means affection , caring , doing things for eachother. God forbid you dont want to match his insults. But next time he says he wants to **** someone else or anything degrading , you need to clear that up NOW in one of your talks that you wont tolerate it and you are willing to give him a warning phrase such as * My Donkeys ***~ or something so he knows he's crossed the line...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks for your thoughts, Mary. I'm feeling kind of down today and a little depressed. I think I'm just confused about everything in general. I'm gonna' go over to see my BF tomorrow 'till Sunday but I think I might come back Saturday because I'm just feeling so out of it.