...Feeling like crap because of the things my BF said to me this weekend...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Hi everyone. Happy Superbowl day. Go Giants!

 

Anyway, I have been dating my boyfriend since September. Things started out really, really well. We both love each other. He told me he loved me very early on, but I waited a little bit after he said that, just so that I wasn't jumping the gun. I felt like we were in a really loving relationship. We still are, but lately it seems as if he is getting a little too comfortable and therefore is saying some insensitive comments without thinking. I'm starting to feel a little bit down because of some of these comments.

 

For example, I spent the weekend at his house. I'm on my period this weekend so we couldn't have sex, but I still went down on him as often as we normally do, even though I couldn't have anything reciprocated, because I love him and I wanted him to be comfortable and happy. Well, after one of the times that I did that, we started watching TV and V for Vendetta was on. Right away, he started talking about how Natalie Portman is on a list of girls that he would cheat with on me. Now, I realize that this is not going to happen, obviously, but it really hurt my feelings, especially since he continued to talk about it for a minute. It especially hurt my feelings since I had just given him a BJ and had done something really nice for him, but yet he reciprocates his appreciation by making comments that make me feel really low. He has said this type of comment to me before (about someone he would cheat on me with), and granted yes it was a celebrity so it shouldn't be a big deal, but the comments sting. It makes me feel like I am an inferior person and that he doesn't really care about me, especially when said after a sexual act.

 

This weekend, he also had me look at his high school year book and he would point out all the girls that he used to have a crush on as well as his friends. He said about one of them, "I still kind of do" and then said he just said it to mess with me.

 

I didn't make any comments at all in response to his commentary because I didn't want to overreact and I don't want to be one of those girls that twists everything into a negative. We never fight and I try to accomodate his feelings. But, lately I've been realizing that I've been feeling a lower sense of self worth. For instance, I am really critical about my appearance and I feel as if I don't look good enough for him. I know that these are my self-esteem issues but it seems as if lately they have increasingly grown. Do you think I should bring up to my BF that talking about a cheating list really hurts my feelings and that these comments are unnecessary?

[OpenBook]

Um, I think you've been doing a little too much "accommodating" with him. I think he is fully aware of it, and he's testing you, pushing the envelope to see how much you will take. (Sad but true - typical behavior of a guy.) Unless you want him to continue this behavior, you must immediately make it very clear to him that this is totally unacceptable to you.

 

But you can't tell a man to change. He has to do it on his own.

 

Therefore, if I were you, I would suddenly get REAL BUSY with other things... too busy to pay any attention to him or spend any time with him. He'll get the message, and will either stop the behavior or break up with you. Either way, you're better off than you are now.

 

If you do nothing about it, he will continue with this abhorrent behavior until he gets bored with it and suddenly drops you. I don't think you want that.

[becauseofyou]

Yes - I definitely think you should have a chat to him about it. He loves you, therefore he wouldn't want to unintentionally hurt your feelings. If you were doing something that hurt him, you would want to know right?

 

Don't be angry or anything, just raise it casually and let him know how you feel.

Edited February 4, 2008 by becauseofyou

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone.

 

Well, this morning, I had the day off. I thought that I was working but it turns out, I wasn't. I decided to do something for myself and I went to work out for awhile at the university gym that's near my house. I also went running on the track. I felt like I needed to clear my head. I've been kind of down in the dumps lately. It was weird, though, because at the gym a lot of guys were checking me out. I guess I've been feeling really unnattractive lately. But I feel like I've been breaking down the problems I've been experiencing.

 

1. I know I have a lack of self-esteem. I am trying to work on that through working out, treating myself well, and being nice to myself. It's hard to get through the periods when I feel like this, but I know that it has a bit to do with my past. I am going to go back to therapy.

 

2. When my BF and I first started dating, he would tell me that I was beautiful, etc. I can't remember the last time he has done that. I know that it's a bit silly, but it's hurtful when he will continuously talk about how hot and beautiful all of these other women are, how he had crushes on so and so, and how he would cheat on me with so and so, when he doesn't pay me a compliment like that. It really does hurt. I know that might sound silly, but I have to be honest and say it hurts.

 

3. His comments were especially hurtful considering that all weekend, I had my period and I was paying him extra attention by giving him a lot of oral. I don't mean to go into all of these specifics, as I'm sure not everyone wants to hear them, but that's really a part of the problem. Right after doing that for him, he jumps into telling me about how he has a list of girls he would cheat on me with? It hurt me a lot. It made me feel like I was there just to provide him with sexual favors and that was all there was to it. It kind of broke my heart a little bit, to be honest.

 

I guess the way that I'm going to deal with this is through being nicer to myself and trying to get a better hold of my self-esteem. I really don't want to have to be hurt by comments and I think maybe it's a personal problem I have. I'm not sure. I'm a little confused. I really don't want to bring it up to my BF because I feel like it will just create problems. Maybe this is an internal problem I have to deal with. I am going out for coffee with one of my best friends today, so maybe we will talk about it a little bit. We both have been having guy problems as of late. It always helps to have a friend to go to in times of trouble.

[JackJack]

Have a talk with him about it. Let him know how it makes you feel. After you have made it clear how his comments hurt you, if he is still doing it, you might want to find someone who can respect you and appreciate you. Personally, I see it as, if you tell someone how you feel and make it clear to them how things hurt you, but they continue to do it, chances are they know they are doing it and its a control thing. That would be reason enough right there to move on.

[Cobra_X30]

I guess the way that I'm going to deal with this is through being nicer to myself and trying to get a better hold of my self-esteem. I really don't want to have to be hurt by comments and I think maybe it's a personal problem I have. I'm not sure. I'm a little confused. I really don't want to bring it up to my BF because I feel like it will just create problems. Maybe this is an internal problem I have to deal with. I am going out for coffee with one of my best friends today, so maybe we will talk about it a little bit. We both have been having guy problems as of late. It always helps to have a friend to go to in times of trouble.

 

I like the fact that your working on your self esteem!

 

However, I don't think this is your problem. Your BF does this specifically to drive down your self esteem and make you feel insecure. Now you internalize it and think that what he does and says is ok and that your just not dealing with it well.

 

Guess what? It's not Ok. Actually it is really disrespectful and mean spirited. What he is basically doing is pointing out women who he feels are better than you. Ones that he would cheat on you with. Are you kidding? I don't care if he has a shot with Natalie Portman or not. That is irrelevant, because he is still saying that she is better than you!

 

Wouldn't you rather be with a guy who would pass her up to be with you?

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Cobra: Thanks for your comments. Thanks everyone else, as well. I guess I just second-guess myself as to if my BF is really doing it to bring me down or if he just has a different sense of humor than I do. Other than those comments, though, we're always on the same page humor wise. Ay, I'm just confused. I guess maybe I will talk to him about it and say that it makes me feel unappreciated when he makes these types of comments. In general, I do feel a little unappreciated. For instance, I bought him a school girl outfit for no reason...just as a surprise...because I knew he would like it. I also always drive to his house, which is 1 hour and a 1/2 away and use my own gas money, of course. I don't have a lot of money since I am going to be a student and am subbing on the side. I like to split meal money or pay for my own. He doesn't visit me because it would be weird if he were to spend the night at my house since I live with my parents and sis. I don't mind doing these things at all. I give him oral whenever he wants it and I give him his favorite thing ever--back scratches--whenever he asks for them. I also read all of the screenplays he has written and talk to him about them whenever he likes. I guess I feel like what I get in return is him telling me about how beautiful other women are and how he would like to have sex with them and cheat on me. Ay, it just hurts my feelings. Don't get me wrong; he has told me he has appreciated me before and tells me he loves me a lot. I guess I don't always feel it.

 

I am also a little upset because I've told my BF about my abusive relationship that I once was in and how he would make comments about how he loved other girls in front of me. I wish he would therefore be more sensitive to me.

Edited February 5, 2008 by XxBacktoBlackXx

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks everyone else, as well. I guess I just second-guess myself as to if my BF is really doing it to bring me down or if he just has a different sense of humor than I do. Other than those comments, though, we're always on the same page humor wise. Ay, I'm just confused. I guess maybe I will talk to him about it and say that it makes me feel unappreciated when he makes these types of comments.

 

I am also a little upset because I've told my BF about my abusive relationship that I once was in and how he would make comments about how he loved other girls in front of me. I wish he would therefore be more sensitive to me.

 

Is this the only thing that he does that hurts your feelings?

 

I want you to know that once you have been in an abusive relationship, it affects the kind of treatment you will accept from the next guy. In a way it ruins your sense of normal.

 

there is a decent chance that he doesnt truely intend to hurt you, but that means he is way dumb, and doesnt put enough effort into you.

 

You should step back and re-evaluate why your with him. Just make sure he is treating you as well as you are treating him. Life is too short to settle.

[ladyintights]

For some reason he is trying to make you jealous. You just have to realize why.. does he somehow feel neglected or does he get a kick out of making you feel like ****?

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I'm not sure. I sent him an E-Mail explaining how I was hurt with his comments and why they made me hurt. I sent it at 2AM this morning but have yet to get a response. He has odd hours (compared to most) because of what he does, so I wouldn't be surprised if he has yet to read it. I was supposed to be playing in a Poker Tournament this evening, but due to my schedule, wasn't able to make it. We probably won't catch each other tonight until about 10PM. I'm a little nervous.

[Florida]

We probably won't catch each other tonight until about 10PM. I'm a little nervous.

 

See that's another aspect of this dynamic.

 

HE should be nervous.

 

Imagine if you said that to him, bet he would withdraw, act cold (normal response) and you, being sensitive, would chase after him. And he would eye you while evaluating you as you had a list of responses and apologies.

 

Take that stance, don't be meek. He has to feel as well as hear that you are withdrawn, your love is not unconditional!!!! Giving unconditionally won't force someone to be nice to you. Only showing you won't put up with it will!

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

You're right! Thanks for the encouragment. I'm about to call him. He really is a sweetheart, it's just these comments that he has been making I feel are out of line. I don't mean to make it out that he is this monster, because he really isn't. He almost always treats me with kindness and respect...it's just these instances that he hasn't hurt me. I am going to tell him that and grab hold of my stance.

[Duck n' Bunnies]

Please Keep Us Posted! Goodluck!

 

I know how you feel love.