Tough and Sad situation

[Gunny376]

I can realate?

 

I was sixteen and half years into my "20" year carrer when the X-Hex pulled the "chump" card on me?

 

What to do?

 

Check out of the Corps with sixteen and half years on a twenty year retirement for the sake of my children?

 

Really didn't have much of a choice? I had six years on my contract? Had to suck it up! No choice!

 

Glad I did ~ now that I'm back out here in civilian "la~la land.

 

But it cost me? In terms of relations with my children. My relationships with them isn't the best ~ or at least what I would like it to be? They're grown and on their own, self supporting, responsible, etc.

 

I deployed more my last four years than all the other sixteen combined! Haiti, Cuba, Nicaragra, Houndurus, The Dominican Republic etc.

 

I would no sooner get back to Camp Lejeune then they would send me back out?

 

Were it me? I'd try and balance carrer and the best interests of the DD? That's tough? Because?

 

Your sucess today determines her sucess tomorrow!

 

Go slow Bro! Go real slow!

 

The key here is balance!

 

Forget the soon to be X-Hex! Its all about you and the DD now!

[Mr. Lucky]

Some basics I have so far is to describe to her how I see the divorce lining up financially (no house for her, she has no job, etc.), which may or may not deter her since she is driving towards the divorce. Do I kick her out over the EA? her lawyer will probably tell her that she can get "protected," and that I need to pay to support her apartment. How do I play the confirmed EA card? etc.

 

Any thoughts welcome.

 

Onward, it's been 20+ years for me since my divorce (now very happily re-married ) so I'm no expert. But were it me, I'd get the best lawyer I could find (for me only, no sharing with the financial stakes you've described) and let him advocate my position. Just be aware of how the game is played - for instance, very easy for STBXW to fabricate a story of assault and get you removed from the home with a restraining order. A good attorney will be one step ahead of that kind of BS...

 

Mr. Lucky

[onward]

Just venting... It's been hard this past week.

 

I keep wishing I could turn it around (yes, I know 99.99998% that I can't). This was the motivation for last post where I said I'd like to show her some tough love, so she may wake up. Am still struggling with how exactly to do that. I'm also staying here next week (not flying to East coast), although I did indicate to board member that I'm interested in the job. I'm leaning against taking it, but keeping options open.

 

Not sleeping well (4-5 hrs per night), specifically am up too late every night spending way too much time here and on DBusters forums. I'm trying to find "recipes" for creatively coming out of this and turning it around, etc. Also spending too much time here during the days. It is good support, but I think I may be using this site as an 'escape' mechanism, which is bad because I'm not dealing with what 'is'. I'm considering limiting my time on forums to 1hr a day or something.

 

We met with Child specialist, but she wouldn't suggest anything one way or another, saying that a collab divorce the parents work the co-parenting plan and she would just give info not recommend anything. W didn't like that (I think she wanted to hear a recommendation on housing arrangements post divorce) so she wants to meet another Child specialist. My guess it will be same results, but hey, it puts more time on the clock...

 

Just had chinese food, fortune cookie said -- "If you have not endured the most difficult, you cannot become the most successful."

 

Got to get my PMA on for the weekend.

[Mr. Lucky]

You're following a well-travelled path. I think most men in your situation (I was there...) are energized and talk tough in the beginning. It feels empowering to actively seek legal and other advice and the inital burst of activity takes your mind off the finality of what your contemplating. And then reality sets in.

 

It's lonely. It's hard to be without companionship and intimacy. You think back to what the two of you had and wonder if you could get there again. It's hard not to leave that door open.

 

I'd simply advise you to assess your situation based on what you want, not what you need. Needs are impulse driven with little regard to the consequences. Wants lead to planning and consideration. Something to think about while you're laying awake at 3:00 am. Like I said, been there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Issues & tissues]

Go with the Tobasco sauce I say!

[Gunny376]

In so far as sleeping goes? Go to ChinaMart, I mean WalMart to the Herbal and Vitamin section look for something called Melatonnin. Get the 5mg bottle about $8 or so. Take one to two about twenty minutes before you want to go to bed.

 

About twenty minutes later, your eyes will start watering, you'll start yawning, you'll be ready to go to bed. It will help quite your thoughts. It won't "knock you out? You'll be able to wake up if necessary.

 

Its over the counter, non-prescription, non-addictive. Its what your body naturally produces to regulate your sleep cycle. As you age, your body produces less of it!

[onward]

Thanks Gunny,

 

I'm familiar with Melatonin and have used it in past for travels. I'm actually taking Gaba and Valerian, per kinisiologists (SP?) recommendations (he is aware of our situation. These are similar herbal items, and the Gaba in particular is really good because it literally has a calming/de-stressing effect, not a knock-you-out effect. When I try to go to sleep I actually do, head-down, I'm gone within 15 minutes.

 

My biggest issue is shutting off the computer and getting away from the forums late at night. It is more discipline in that department, simply to force my self to bed at 10 or 11pm, rather trolling till 1 or 2am in search of a solution...

[onward]

Just had a big backslide, due to first conversation about R in a couple of weeks.

 

Before dinner W hinted that she may want to go to Tango class on Thursday (v-day).

 

After I put DD down, W came over to my room to talk. She said her friend mentioned that I told him I was hurt when W goes out w/o wedding ring. I said yes, it does hurt me. She said its only been about 4 times, but she doesn't want ring because folks look at you differently, and they would invite her to events in the future, where she may meet folks, and she doesn't want to lose out on future opportunity to meet someone special, etc. She then said she is making an effort to carry on as if we're married for DD's benefit, folks we know, etc. But she feels very stifled (said this part 2-3 times) now while she doesn't have a job.

 

I made the point "who goes out on v-day?" she scoffed at us going out, I said that this was not what I meant, rather why would she go out on on v-day, and talk to me about not wearing her ring the day before? She said, "Do you think I'm going out with my BF?" I said, "well are you?" And of course she denied, said her therapist told her that getting into a relationship now is a bad idea, etc. Deny, deny... I said that this would be very hurtful and disrespectful to me if she lives here while dating, and she would need to move out if she wanted to date. She got upset by this, saying she isn't dating, not looking for a relationship, but she does have sexual needs. And one can't tell who might come along. She feels very stifled since she decided to move on in August, but so far nothing has changed.

 

The part that really got her goat was my statement that she would need to move out. I, stupidly, re-engaged the conversation a little later on, and this came to light. She threw at me the "you just block everything I ask for, and that's the problem we've always had. You're just going to go to your corner and take a hard position." combined with "sure you made some changes, but that's what I asked for way back when, not the things we need to work on now." blah, blah. Also threw in a couple of "may be I'll stay in the house, and you leave statements."

 

She finished with "So, do you want me to not tell you if I see someone? Because I was hoping we'd get to a place where we can be open about that sort of thing." Smart move on her part, if I say don't tell me she has permission to carry on, and I have nothing on her, even though EA may have started in August/September. If I say I want to know, same thing, next week she tells me "I found someone..." So I said "I don't know, there's so much happening right now, this is heavy emotional stuff, I need time to process this and think about it." She said yes, its probably premature anyways.

 

Well, as I write this she just came up, started to apologized about wanting to remove some pain she heard I had about her not wearing ring, but instead apparently we ended up on all kinds of other topics that just hurt and angered me even more. I said that from my perspective it was hurtful because of her hinting at going out to Tango class on v-day, and then coming to my bedroom to talk about why she goes out w/out ring - and this sparked me. She then said that its hard and "I just feel that if I do see someone I better keep it really, really secret, because if you find out you'll just try to kick me out." And "we probably shouldn't be talking about living arrangements, etc. because we're just starting the process, we've each only had one appointment with lawyers, and we're not even sure how we want to proceed." and "It's been 7 months since this began, if I had a job I may have been out after a month, or you may have been out?"

 

For the financial clarity item I mentioned earlier it looks like the first key event won't happen until end of March, and then another key event at the end of May. I doubt we'll go that long without being in the formal process, and I don't know that I can take much more of this "nice guy" stuff that I keep doing. I certainly feel that it is all "me, me, me" from her, with very little respect or validation for the things that I say or need.

 

Very frustrating.

Edited February 14, 2008 by onward

[Mr. Lucky]

I told him I was hurt when W goes out w/o wedding ring. I said yes, it does hurt me. She said its only been about 4 times, but she doesn't want ring because folks look at you differently, and they would invite her to events in the future, where she may meet folks, and she doesn't want to lose out on future opportunity to meet someone special, etc.

Onward, you've got to act (regardless of how you're feeling inside) as if you don't care. Not wearing her ring? No big deal to you. Dancing with the Stars? You could care less. She has sexual needs? Talk to the hand...

 

If you're going to survive under the same roof for even a short period of time, you've got to play the game. Stop thinking like a husband - emotionally, you not one and soon, officially, you won't be one either. At this point, it's mind over matter...

 

Mr. Lucky