How to stop cheating

[Jack_70]

I'm in the final stages of a divorce after 15 years of marriage. It ended because of my infidelity. She actually was willing to forgive me, but I decided that I wasn't up for it. I asked for a divorce and broke it off with the other woman. I was disgusted with myself and I wanted to find out how to get better and realized I was in no psychological shape to try to fix my marriage. In counseling, I realized that I had cheated or attempted to cheat in every relationship I had ever been in. Since I never got caught, my wife never knew about that part of my history.

 

Before I ever get serious with someone again, I want to try to get better. I talked with my counselor about it, and he was actually sort of worthless as far as an explanation. I can tell you I had an abusive father (who I've long ago forgiven), and I was a loner as a kid because I was often bullied. I've grown in to a pretty average and responsible guy. I have a great profession and many friends. I just can't figure out how to be happy in my relationships. Why can't I ever be happy with who I'm with?

 

I'm sharing this in the hopes that someone might see something glaring in my background, something that the shrink missed, that might explain why I am the way I am. Maybe someone reading this has a history like me and figured out how to fix it. I'm just desperate for some help.

[StillSame]

It seems that you're selfish. Are you selfish today due to your past, maybe, maybe not, but the fact is, you're selfish. You're only thinking about yourself and not how your actions will effect others. How would you feel if you were in your wife's shoes, meaning she was the one who slept with anther man behind your back? .....think about that for a minute.

 

You can't fix yourself unless you start to realize the feelings of others and start to really care about those feelings and well being of another. Start with that.

 

By the way, you're very selfish too by taking the easy way out through divorce. Ever thought about how your wife feel? She got cheated by her husband and when she decided to take him back regardless how much he hurt her, he then turn around and rejected her offer to take him back. That got to hurt.....

 

Think about it!

[Jack_70]

Of course I'm selfish. That's pretty basic, and I have a problem with honesty too. I'm just trying to address what are apparently the deep-seated causes. The only thing my shrink said was that it could be due to the abuse I suffered from my father, and hence I'm afraid to commit myself fully to one person. That didn't make much sense to me since I reconciled with my dad years ago and we're now very close.

 

As to my wife, she's actually thanked me for giving up, obviously after a lot of heartache. She's since met someone she's very happy with and said she never would have met him if I hadn't of asked for a divorce. So it all worked out fairly well for her in the end.

[GoodOnPaper]

Jack,

 

It sounds like self-honesty and self-acceptance are really core issues. During childhood, not having your emotional needs sufficiently met can lead to a subconscious belief that it is bad to have needs. This makes male-female relationships very difficult, and lack of integrity can show up in may aspects of life. It may be worth checking out www.nomoremrniceguy.com.

[GoodOnPaper]

It seems that you're selfish. Are you selfish today due to your past, maybe, maybe not, but the fact is, you're selfish. You're only thinking about yourself and not how your actions will effect others. How would you feel if you were in your wife's shoes, meaning she was the one who slept with anther man behind your back? .....think about that for a minute.

 

You can't fix yourself unless you start to realize the feelings of others and start to really care about those feelings and well being of another. Start with that.

 

By the way, you're very selfish too by taking the easy way out through divorce. Ever thought about how your wife feel? She got cheated by her husband and when she decided to take him back regardless how much he hurt her, he then turn around and rejected her offer to take him back. That got to hurt.....

 

Think about it!

 

Jack,

 

You cannot put others first from an emotional position of strength without understanding yourself, knowing what your needs are, and accepting who you are. Then comes integrity, and then you can start to really care about the feelings and well-being of others without getting mixed up in caretaking (instead of caring) and covert contracts (doing something while silently expecting something in return). I can't say whether or not it was a mistake to walk away from your marriage, but I would argue that in some ways you have not been "selfish" enough.

[Jack_70]

Thank you for both of those responses, Good on Paper. That really gives me something to think about.

[mental_traveller]

Maybe you're incapable of monogamy? There is no need to try to force yourself to fit into what society deems conventional. I also think you are labouring under a false assumption that there needs to be some explanation for you being non-monogamous. There is no need for it to be down to childhood "issues" - you may simply be that way by nature.

 

Remember, to cheat requires two things:

 

i) inability or unwillingness to stay monogamous

ii) promising someone you will be monogamous

 

If you can't change i) then change ii) - stop lying, it's as simple as that. Don't make a promise you can't keep. Either have an open relationship, or casual relationships, and just be honest about your wandering eye.

 

You will probably put off most women who want a monogamous relationship, but there are woman who are happy to have no strings or open relationship arrangements. Just find one (or more) of them and you will save yourself and your future partners a lot of heartache.

Edited February 4, 2008 by mental_traveller

[shadowofman]

That is what I would suggest. I also am incapable of being happy with monogamy. My advise is for you is to never commit to another monogamous relationship. It will be harder to find love under this condition (women being women:p), but when you find that one that encourages the occational bonus sex, it will all be worth it.

 

GoodOnPaper, good stuff!!!!

[OpenBook]

The only thing my shrink said was that it could be due to the abuse I suffered from my father, and hence I'm afraid to commit myself fully to one person. That didn't make much sense to me since I reconciled with my dad years ago and we're now very close.

 

Have you thought about asking your father about it? It may be a family thing, learned behaviors and all that.

[Mz. Pixie]

Look, I've been in your shoes- I was the cheater in my first marriage.

 

It's your problem- not a problem with the people you're in a relationship with.

 

Perhaps it's self esteem, thrown in with a bit of selfishness? There is something you get from the chase and the unfaithfulness that is a payoff for you. It fufills a need that you have somewhere deep down inside. Whenever you quit feeling justified and just decide you're not going to do that anymore- you just STOP.

 

You don't put yourself in a position to be unfaithful- you just decide you will not allow yourself to do it anymore. You're doing it because you can, and because you feel like you deserve it.

 

You do not ever give yourself permission to do it again.

 

Now, you can just decide not to be in a exclusive relationship- and there is nothing wrong with that- as long as all of the parties in that relationship agree.

 

Work on yourself with individual counseling. Find one that you feel is right for you- don't settle for the first one that comes along and really work at those core issues that are driving this behavior.

[Jack_70]

Maybe you're incapable of monogamy? There is no need to try to force yourself to fit into what society deems conventional. I also think you are labouring under a false assumption that there needs to be some explanation for you being non-monogamous. There is no need for it to be down to childhood "issues" - you may simply be that way by nature.

 

Remember, to cheat requires two things:

 

i) inability or unwillingness to stay monogamous

ii) promising someone you will be monogamous

 

If you can't change i) then change ii) - stop lying, it's as simple as that. Don't make a promise you can't keep. Either have an open relationship, or casual relationships, and just be honest about your wandering eye.

 

You will probably put off most women who want a monogamous relationship, but there are woman who are happy to have no strings or open relationship arrangements. Just find one (or more) of them and you will save yourself and your future partners a lot of heartache.

 

Interesting opinion that I had to think long and hard about. I obviously haven't been very good at monogamy, but I think I definitely want to be good at it. I want to find that one person who makes me stop thinking about stepping out with others (but I recognize I may always have that feeling, I just need to learn not to act on it). I also want to stop hurting people I love.

[Jack_70]

Look, I've been in your shoes- I was the cheater in my first marriage.

 

It's your problem- not a problem with the people you're in a relationship with.

 

Perhaps it's self esteem, thrown in with a bit of selfishness? There is something you get from the chase and the unfaithfulness that is a payoff for you. It fufills a need that you have somewhere deep down inside. Whenever you quit feeling justified and just decide you're not going to do that anymore- you just STOP.

 

You don't put yourself in a position to be unfaithful- you just decide you will not allow yourself to do it anymore. You're doing it because you can, and because you feel like you deserve it.

 

You do not ever give yourself permission to do it again.

 

Now, you can just decide not to be in a exclusive relationship- and there is nothing wrong with that- as long as all of the parties in that relationship agree.

 

Work on yourself with individual counseling. Find one that you feel is right for you- don't settle for the first one that comes along and really work at those core issues that are driving this behavior.

 

I think low self-esteem is a big one. I agree, I need to just stop giving myself permission to do it. That's a big step in the right direction.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Doesn't seem like you have found the one that really makes you happy! Also, have you ever lived alone? Sometimes we need to accept ourselves for whom we are and then we can dive into a monogamous relationship.

[Jack_70]

Doesn't seem like you have found the one that really makes you happy! Also, have you ever lived alone? Sometimes we need to accept ourselves for whom we are and then we can dive into a monogamous relationship.

 

Another interesting take. No, I rarely have lived alone. I've always gone from one relationship to another. In my entire adult life, I think I've lived alone for maybe three years total.

[Cobra_X30]

Another interesting take. No, I rarely have lived alone. I've always gone from one relationship to another. In my entire adult life, I think I've lived alone for maybe three years total.

 

How did you do with women early on, like in your teens?

 

That can sometimes affect you long term... like you have something to prove to yourself. Especially when combined with your parental situation and the bullying.

 

I'm pretty sure if you can tackle and overcome this problem. Look at it like this. You can get the self esteem boost from meaning a little to a lot of women, or you can be everything to one. Once your happy within your own skin the latter may seem better than the former.

[SueBee3490]

Have you thought about asking your father about it? It may be a family thing, learned behaviors and all that.

 

Open book this is good advice. My bf cheated on me and when I sought out counselors (actually 4 different ones), the last 2 asked me if his parents have a history of cheating. At that time, he had told me "no". Neither his father or mother cheated. Later on in talking, it came out that his dad did cheat on his mom, because he remembers as a boy his dad coming home "drunk" and crying to his mom about having cheated on her. I didn't know this until after I had quit seeing the counselor. His father actually was in a war and had kept a picture of some woman he was "seeing". His mom knew about the picture he kept in his wallet, but i guess she just let it go. So maybe you should look into family history and see if there's a link there.

[Jack_70]

How did you do with women early on, like in your teens?

 

That can sometimes affect you long term... like you have something to prove to yourself. Especially when combined with your parental situation and the bullying.

 

I'm pretty sure if you can tackle and overcome this problem. Look at it like this. You can get the self esteem boost from meaning a little to a lot of women, or you can be everything to one. Once your happy within your own skin the latter may seem better than the former.

 

Well, I had very low self esteem due to the abuse and the bullying. My first serious girlfriend happened to be one of the most popular girls in school, so I remember that being a huge self-esteem boost at the time. I thought, "Wow, if someone like her can be interested in me, maybe I'm not such a loser after all."

[Jack_70]

Open book this is good advice. My bf cheated on me and when I sought out counselors (actually 4 different ones), the last 2 asked me if his parents have a history of cheating. At that time, he had told me "no". Neither his father or mother cheated. Later on in talking, it came out that his dad did cheat on his mom, because he remembers as a boy his dad coming home "drunk" and crying to his mom about having cheated on her. I didn't know this until after I had quit seeing the counselor. His father actually was in a war and had kept a picture of some woman he was "seeing". His mom knew about the picture he kept in his wallet, but i guess she just let it go. So maybe you should look into family history and see if there's a link there.

 

To my knowledge anyway, there was no history of cheating with my parents. They've always had a very stable marriage, at least to my eyes. I appreciate everyone's advice. I tend to think, and I think I've always guessed this a little, that most of my problem is due to low self-esteem that I've carried over from childhood into adulthood.

[niceconfusedgirl]

let's see. i had a pretty crappy childhood and was hurt alot and well had very little friends but that never has made me want to cheat on anyone. in fact quite the opposite, im afriad that i'm unworhty of the other person and that the other person will cheat on me. to be honest, you are just selfish. and there is no where to place the blame but on yourself. get a girl. and dont cheat on her. simple as that.

[Trimmer]

Interesting opinion that I had to think long and hard about. I obviously haven't been very good at monogamy, but I think I definitely want to be good at it. I want to find that one person who makes me stop thinking about stepping out with others (but I recognize I may always have that feeling, I just need to learn not to act on it). I also want to stop hurting people I love.

I think your end goals are reasonable, if that's really what you want, but you won't get there by finding "someone who will stop you". (And along that same line of reasoning, you didn't cheat because your wife wasn't good enough to stop you; by implication, this attitude puts that burden on her...)

 

You do have the right orientation in realizing that you need to change yourself, and your self-esteem issues may well be a big part of that. Just don't fall into the trap of believing that the purpose of getting into a relationship is to have someone else complete the missing parts you haven't figured out yourself.

 

Go make the changes you seek, become the person you want to be, whole as an individual, so that you don't burden your next relationship partner with the expectation of making up for your inadequacies.

[shadowofman]

I want to find that one person who makes me stop thinking about stepping out with others.

 

The promiscuous man is prone to make this mistake. And you will meet someone that will make you think that "you can be monogamous for this one". But it's a delusion. It doesn't matter if it's Helen of Troy, the promiscuous person will inevitably crave variety.

 

Trimmer is right that this type of thinking places the burden on your partner to "keep you in line", but it also assumes that monogamy is the correct way to be, or that promiscuousness is wrong. It's right for some people, but most likely not you.

[boo121]

Interesting opinion that I had to think long and hard about. I obviously haven't been very good at monogamy, but I think I definitely want to be good at it. I want to find that one person who makes me stop thinking about stepping out with others (but I recognize I may always have that feeling, I just need to learn not to act on it). I also want to stop hurting people I love.

 

If you think monogamy is a good thing...great. But us humans are not a monogamous species. In order for our species to survive, we needed to cheat and mate with more than 1 person. In fact without this, there would be no such things as music, drama, culture or science. Anyway that is a huge scientific debate which i wont go into right now.

 

I think the women who you've been with, don't satisfy your needs. If you met somebody who satisfied all your sexual desires then you would not need to cheat. So the question is finding that person. only you can do that.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe someone reading this has a history like me and figured out how to fix it.

 

At the risk of sounding overly simplistic....couldn't you just keep it in your pants?

[Trimmer]

I think the women who you've been with, don't satisfy your needs. If you met somebody who satisfied all your sexual desires then you would not need to cheat. So the question is finding that person. only you can do that.

As I did above, I disagree with this. Aside from the fact that this attitude puts the burden of stopping the cheating on his partner who must be "good enough," it also supposes that his "need" for cheating is one-dimensionally about having sufficient sexual needs met, and that it is easily solvable by exceeding some threshold of sexual satiation.

 

I think the desire to cheat, and the inability or unwillingness to stop it, is related to both deeper and broader issues than just being sufficiently sexually satisfied.

 

Note that I agree with boo's and shadow's assertions that perhaps monogamy is not for you, Jack; perhaps you cannot be monogamous. (Although I will note that you did state pretty clearly that you want to try...) But as pointed out earlier, monogamy and cheating are two different issues. If you cannot be monogamous, that's fine; you can still live an honest and honorable life. It doesn't become cheating until you promise someone you will be monogamous, then break that promise (usually associated with lying and deception....)

 

Know thyself.

[shadowofman]

I think the women who you've been with, don't satisfy your needs. If you met somebody who satisfied all your sexual desires then you would not need to cheat.

 

Ahhh, boo, this is what me and trimmer are getting at. Maybe his sexual desires can not be satisfied by one woman. But I see your point. If he found some bisexual woman that encouraged him having sex with other woman then he would not need to cheat (deceive).

 

At the risk of sounding overly simplistic....couldn't you just keep it in your pants?

 

Yeah, abstinance is sooooooo easy! Couldn't Americans stop eating sugar? I'm sure there is something that you do and can't control. Some people smoke, some drink, some watch TV, some have sex. It's called vice for a reason.