How to stop cheating

[Trimmer]

At the risk of sounding overly simplistic....couldn't you just keep it in your pants?

 

Yeah, abstinance is sooooooo easy! Couldn't Americans stop eating sugar? I'm sure there is something that you do and can't control. Some people smoke, some drink, some watch TV, some have sex. It's called vice for a reason.

Yes, everyone else's vices are so obvious and simple, but my own, now that's a different story...

 

I'm gonna go spin "Black Water" by the Doobies. (bonus points for getting the reference...)

[mimi7777777]

How are you doing now?

[Jack_70]

How are you doing now?

Who are you asking? Me, the original poster?

[amaysngrace]

Well Jack...I think you can communicate what you want in bed and see if they'd agree. But it's wrong for you to blame these women as if it's their problem that they aren't satisfying you. It's YOUR problem. It's only their problem because you make it to be when you cheat on them.

 

You have options. You can break up with someone if you desire someone else so much. You don't need to cheat.

 

Honestly I think the women you have relationships must feel objectified in some way. That they are only there to pleasure you. If a guy did that to me and made me feel like a lay and nothing more I totally wouldn't be digging him too much.

 

And then the last thing I'd want to do is satisfy his sexual needs. If you make your woman feel hot and special then she'll show it in the bedroom. But if I were with a guy who thought I was never enough I would seriously quit pleasing him.

 

It's not their fault you cheat...it's your own.

[Jack_70]

Well Jack...I think you can communicate what you want in bed and see if they'd agree. But it's wrong for you to blame these women as if it's their problem that they aren't satisfying you. It's YOUR problem. It's only their problem because you make it to be when you cheat on them.

 

You have options. You can break up with someone if you desire someone else so much. You don't need to cheat.

 

Honestly I think the women you have relationships must feel objectified in some way. That they are only there to pleasure you. If a guy did that to me and made me feel like a lay and nothing more I totally wouldn't be digging him too much.

 

And then the last thing I'd want to do is satisfy his sexual needs. If you make your woman feel hot and special then she'll show it in the bedroom. But if I were with a guy who thought I was never enough I would seriously quit pleasing him.

 

It's not their fault you cheat...it's your own.

 

Where did I say it was their fault? I've said the whole time it's my problem.

[amaysngrace]

Where did I say it was their fault? I've said the whole time it's my problem.

 

Oh you're right. For some reason you somehow became Trimmer in my head.

 

What goes on inside your mind when you're cheating? Do you feel guilty like you're doing something wrong or do you just block it out? How do you feel afterwards about it when you look your sweetheart in the eye?

 

When you see a hot prospect do you even think about your girl or are just only getting off on the ego boost?

[Trimmer]

Oh you're right. For some reason you somehow became Trimmer in my head.

It wasn't my point that he thinks it's directly their fault that he cheats, but by saying:

 

I want to find that one person who makes me stop thinking about stepping out with others...

... he does shift part of the burden of stopping him onto his partner, and implies that it's a matter of the other person being good enough to make it worth it for him to "not cheat."

 

My point is that he needs to take complete personal responsibility for monogamy - if he chooses it. Sure, you need to meet a partner to whom you want to commit and live monogamously for the rest of your life, but the thing that "makes you stop" needs to come from within.

[Jack_70]

Oh you're right. For some reason you somehow became Trimmer in my head.

 

What goes on inside your mind when you're cheating? Do you feel guilty like you're doing something wrong or do you just block it out? How do you feel afterwards about it when you look your sweetheart in the eye?

 

When you see a hot prospect do you even think about your girl or are just only getting off on the ego boost?

 

Good questions. When I see a woman that is interested in me who I think in my head is more attractive than the one I'm currently with, I'm hooked. So I guess it's an ego thing and it's probably directly related to my low self-esteem. As far as looking my significant other in the eye, that's more difficult. When it was girlfriends, I didn't have as much trouble blocking out the guilt. When it was my wife, the guilt overwhelmed me and even made me consider suicide.

[amaysngrace]

When I see a woman that is interested in me who I think in my head is more attractive than the one I'm currently with, I'm hooked. So I guess it's an ego thing and it's probably directly related to my low self-esteem.

 

Yeah but that's a screwed up thing, seeking external validation because you lack self-esteem. A woman who would sleep with you upon just meeting you has issues within herself.

 

It's like you are going for someone who is as equally damaged internally as yourself. Yeah the packaging looks good but the product is cracked.

 

What goes on in your head when you're having sex with this person? Do you feel like a king or are you just having sex or do you feel bad or what?

 

Honestly I think the guilt comes not from the act of cheating but because of who you are.

[Jack_70]

Yeah but that's a screwed up thing, seeking external validation because you lack self-esteem. A woman who would sleep with you upon just meeting you has issues within herself.

 

It's like you are going for someone who is as equally damaged internally as yourself. Yeah the packaging looks good but the product is cracked.

 

What goes on in your head when you're having sex with this person? Do you feel like a king or are you just having sex or do you feel bad or what?

 

Honestly I think the guilt comes not from the act of cheating but because of who you are.

 

Feel like a king during, feel bad after. As to your final comment, that could be true, I don't know. I know at least part of the overwhelming guilt was knowing how much I hurt my wife. I kept seeing that look in her eyes and I wanted to die.

[amaysngrace]

Okay why do you need somebody else to make you feel like a king? You should feel like a king no matter what. Walking in the park or shopping in the mall. If you're alone or if you're with others. A king is a king.

 

Why don't you feel good enough just being who you are? And why do you let other people's opinion of you matter so much?

 

Why is it more comfortable for you to take the negative opinion others have of you by being a "cheater" then doing something positive and getting praise for that?

[shadowofman]

Be honest with yourself. I don't believe you when you say you want to "feel like a king". You just want to have sex with someone new. Some of us look at sex like and other consumable. Some of us don't like the same cereal for breakfast every morning for the rest of our lives.

[DarkBlue]

Hmm. I wonder. I think what you mentioned about getting the popular girl in high school might actually have a lot to do with your urge/addiction to be non-monogomous even though you want to be monogomous with that one special girl who helps make you feel more whole. I'm thinking that there are some major insecurities lurking in the subconcious. It's validation for the ego more then selfishness. I mean.. the act in itself is selfish but I don't think this is because your a selfish person.

 

High School is that stage of our lives where the pressure is suddenly put on us to care a lot about what others think about us. Since you were bullied and unpopular at first... getting that popular girl probably was like emotionally getting high. Despite having what seemed like the odds stacked against you, you won the "Game" so to speak. You courted what your peers probably deemed the cream of the crop. Maybe ever since then your subconcious thinks the best way to get a "pick me up" when your starting to feel insecure or "less then" again (because who wants to go back to feeling that way again if it can be avoided?) is to prove to yourself over and over that you've still got game and you can still win.

 

It's just a theory... Do you feel much better for a short period of time when you get with another woman beside your wife? I mean... does it feel more like your high then really emotionally in love when your eye wanders, and the person your eye wanders too shows interest back? and then afterwords you feel kind of strange.. empty? hollow?

 

Like something was supposed to work.. make you feel better? but it didn't?

 

EDIT: Also, Try not to beat yourself up about your wife. You said she found somebody else right? So things are ok now. With feeling suicidal over hurting her, It sounds like you care a lot about other peoples feelings, and never want to be the one who hurts someone. Do you try to be nice to everyone, or include everyone even if it's just a little, because you feel this need to be fair? That could stem from high school too. You were bullied and unpopular so you know what it feels like to be left out or feel unloved/unwanted... I don't know. Not enough information... but it kinda sounds that way from what's been posted so far.

Edited February 7, 2008 by DarkBlue

[Jersey Shortie]

To the OP: Yeah I would agree that you have self-esteem issues. You are seeking validation through other people. that is never a good basis to a relationship. You need to seek that validation out within yourself.

 

 

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I want to find that one person who makes me stop thinking about stepping out with others (but I recognize I may always have that feeling, I just need to learn not to act on it). I also want to stop hurting people I love.[/FONT][/COLOR]

 

You won't ever find that person. Straight up. Even if she was Cindy Crawford. You are responsible for your own actions. And you can't look to other to make you stop "feeling" something. Only you have control over that.

 

If you want to stop hurting the people you love, stop hurting the people you love. But for you to understand that you are hurting people, and to keep doing something for yoru own gratification is both a reflection of being selfish and having self-esteem issues.

 

If you don't like the doctor you are going to now, find another one. Just because he has a PHd in physcology, doesn't mean he is the right doctor for you. Find someone you click with. There is nothing wrong with that. Doctors have different personalities and ways of doing things just like anyone else. You got to find the right fit. It doesn't sound like the doctor you have now is the right fit. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[pinkrazr]

The thing about cheating, Is it maybe your constantly looking for that "new person, first time" feeling?

you know, the crazy fresh out of a movie kinda rush you get with someone else?

Lots of us have been there.

and lots of us have been at the butt end of it too.

I personally have had both.

It SUCKS.

You cant change your past, man... if only we could what a happy world we would be in.

we've made the "mistakes" that seemed to just not be "mistakes" anymore.

You did a huge step by asking for help how to stop.

I applaud you tons!

Put others feelings and emotions before you for awhile,

give it a shot.

it might feel like nothing, or frustrating, or pretty good!

One day at a time.

You had your cake, you ate it too. it was a good cake!

but now you are done with it. and want to try and stay away from all those bad calories

Always give yourself credit for the smallest things. It sounds stupid but I'm serious. Life turns around naturally when you take a new look.

Shed your skin from the past, and start all over.

Time does heal, and you may make the mistakes again.

but Dont beat yourself up over those times. Be stronger for the next.

You CAN do it.

I'm rootin for ya

[Jack_70]

Thanks, pinkrazr. The thing that has really motivated me is that I've recently been dating this absolutely wonderful person, probably one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. I don't want to screw it up and I want to make sure I find some tools to address my problems before I get too involved with her. Thanks to some of the advice here, I think I'm heading in the right direction. I think the other part is that I need to try out a different counselor too.

[pinkrazr]

Do everything you need to!

You sound like your really committed to trying!

If you feel your counselor isnt doing the job, then definatly find a new one!

You dont want someone to tell you what you wanna hear, or what you already know, or even what your just always doing wrong.

those people just seem to thrive on professionalism and the bill, not real relationships.

we ALL aren't from a cookie cutter!

Keep us all posted

I'm so so happy to hear your on the right track, and totally giving yourself credit for it.

[starrynight]

Just don't fall into the trap of believing that the purpose of getting into a relationship is to have someone else complete the missing parts you haven't figured out yourself.

 

 

There is a yang to that yin, as there always is....

 

Don't fall into the trap of believing you can do it all yourself. Some of the most beautiful examples of relationships I'm aware of are ones where they grew together, and helped each other to grow more/in ways they might not have were they taking it on all alone.

[Trimmer]

There is a yang to that yin, as there always is....

 

Don't fall into the trap of believing you can do it all yourself. Some of the most beautiful examples of relationships I'm aware of are ones where they grew together, and helped each other to grow more/in ways they might not have were they taking it on all alone.

I understand what you are saying, and I'm not saying that you have to do everything in life yourself.

 

However, in the context of this thread: how to stop cheating, and by extension, whether to choose and commit to monogamy, I will say that I believe that to enter a relationship with the best chance of success and fulfillment, you needto have a basic "toolkit of humanity" already at the ready. Certain things like communication skills, basic human respect, etc. really need to be a part of you, as an individual, already. You can't say, "well, I'll stop drinking once I get into the right relationship," or "once I find the right person, I won't have such a violent temper any more..." Certain things, you have to bring to the table yourself, as a complete individual. Don't look to your partner to fix or fill the empty holes in that basic toolkit.

 

And that's where my comment fits in the context of this thread: the ability to choose monogamy has to come from a sense of yourself - you as a complete, self-realized individual. Without that foundation, I don't think you can enter a relationship unsure, and then hope it will all gel, assuming you picked the right partner.

 

So there are things that I believe have to be in that basic human toolkit before you are a good candidate for entering a successful relationship. That's one of the reasons I've been "off the market" myself for a long time after my marriage ended - I've been working to be sure I am confident in that self-realized foundation, to a sufficient level that I could feel honest entering a relationship as a whole, strong individual.

 

At the higher level, I do agree with your point about the possibilities for growth being magnified in a relationship, but I think the people who have the best chance of achieving that are the ones who bring the most complete human toolkits into a relationship in the first place - the ones who are already the most whole and self-realized as individuals and human beings, and who are able to take advantage of building upon that foundation and enhancing their lives together.

[openingup]

Why can't I ever be happy with who I'm with?

 

I'm sharing this in the hopes that someone might see something glaring in my background, something that the shrink missed, that might explain why I am the way I am. Maybe someone reading this has a history like me and figured out how to fix it. I'm just desperate for some help.

 

Hi Jack,

I know you've had many womens' perspectives on your question, but mine may be a bit different. I'm the one in my long-term relationship who can't stay faithful. It's not just a "man thing." As you know, it's easy to fool someone who's never had a reason to doubt you. The truth is, we cheat because it's so easy to get away with it and becase we'd be bored to tears otherwise. Do you have a hard time understanding how people do the same things day after day in the same house with the same partner, have no excitement or sense of the naughty in their lives?

Why did Bill Clinton cheat? Beacuse he was a sex addict, sure, but also because it made him feel superior: he was the leader of the free world, but could still have 5 women on the string, and and and . . . some of us just need more stimulus than others. My advice is, accept yourself as you are, don't hurt anyone else and get on with your life as you live it.