Cpt_Morale Posted June 25, 2003 Share Posted June 25, 2003 Well, here's the story. I have this friend, and I've known her for about 2 years. When we first met, I was dating one of her friends, and she was seeing someone as well. Since that time, she and I have gotten really close, and are now no longer in relationships. OK up to this point. During the past two years, she and I have been in the same relationships, allowing us to grow as friends and nothing more. Now that we are both single, I have brought up the idea of she and I getting together. Unfortunately for me, she sees me as one of her "girlfriends." Don't get me wrong, I love being her friend, but I can't help but want something more as well. I am now confused as can be and have no clue where to go from here. Every time we hang out, it's great. I love spending time with her and I feel like we click on every level. So I post the question: Is there anyway around the whole "girlfriend" thing? Or will only time tell? Cpt_Morale Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted June 25, 2003 Share Posted June 25, 2003 If she is really being honest (and sometimes women aren't about this matter, even to themselves) then you are probably 'stuck' in the friends bracket and won't be getting out anytime soon. Unlike men, for whom there is nearly always the possibility of changing camp, from friends to lovers, given enough time and cleavage, women tend to be quite definite, fairly early on, about how they see their male friends. HOWEVER.... Once a man expresses genuine interest the seed is sometimes sown and we can begin to see that person in a whole new light simply by virtue of the fact that he says he finds us attractive. Time does tend to change our perception of what we are looking for in a partner and recognize that a love that started as a friend is often like getting the best of both worlds. You have only known each other for two years, not ten so the question is, is there chemistry? If there has always been a little spark of sexual interest (for you both) but because of various circumstances that's where it stopped, there is reason to hope. She may be frightened of running the risk of loosing a good friend if the romance falls through but might take a chance in the end. If however on her part at least, there was never any physical attraction then you will have to accept that she does in fact view you as a 'girlfriend' and content yourself with that if you can. What can you do? Nothing much, I'd give it a little time and try once more pursued her you both have potential but if it's a definite NO then let it go and find someone that can love as you want and keep her as a friend if it's not too painful. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 25, 2003 Share Posted June 25, 2003 Great answer from Reckless. Very well put. However, I wouldn't wait around for this lady to change her mind. If she has even a slight inclination to want more than just a friendship, you will see it when you start dating other people. But for your own sake do so. Link to post Share on other sites
d1410 Posted June 26, 2003 Share Posted June 26, 2003 reckless, you're right on. I'm not sure about that Tony....I've been friends with a guy for a year and only recently started to feel more attracted to him. We're spending a bit more time together and I'm seeing him in a new light. Before, I only saw him as a friend...and now, who knows. I am nervous about saying anything at all to him, tho. I'd say, keep her as a friend but don't wait around forever for her to suddendly feel the spark. keep your options wide open. just my 2 cents :-) d1410 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cpt_Morale Posted June 28, 2003 Author Share Posted June 28, 2003 Well, in response to Reckless, I'm not sure if there is a spark on her part. I don't think that there is a way to tell. I know that I feel a stirring within whenever I'm with her or hear her voice on the phone, but I'm not sure if it's there for her. I feel that she knows me well enough that she should know that if a romance fell thru w/us, that we could still be good friends. I did date one of her friends, and we could have remained friends, but she didn't want that, I'm sorry to say. I've been out of the dating scene for at least two years, and I'm not that good at jumping thru the hoops and playing the games anymore. I've never been one for drinking or partying much, and have no desire to sow any wild seeds. She is also not into the bars and clubs environment, and we do have a lot in common, as far as our views on various topics go, but I feel that you are all right. I need to get out and about and see what else is out there. The old adage is right, after all. "There are plenty of other fish in the sea." Unfortunately, they all swim in a different current than my own. Any ideas on places to find women around my age (22) that aren't completely wild? Thanks for all your help! Oh yeah, and d1410, tell the guy you like him. I think that the worst that could happen is that the feeling won't be mutual. I think that he'll still be your friend though. If he's a guy worth being with he'll be cool about it. And then at least you've been honest with him and yourself. Why can't everyone just be honest about the way they feel about one another? Then it'd be too easy, I guess. Cpt_morale Link to post Share on other sites
beaker Posted June 29, 2003 Share Posted June 29, 2003 You sound like you're being very reasonable and mature about this, which is great (a lot more mature than I was when this happened to me). If she does change her mind for whatever reason, you can't rely on it happening for some time, if ever. It's true that a seed may have been planted, so to speak, but of course it's not the sort of thing you should count on. It's also possible she may indeed have some feelings for you, but the difficult situation with you and her friend may have made you completely off-limits for the forseeable future. That would be unfortunate and awkward, but it's very common, and there's nothing you can do except shrug and move on. It's never worth breaking your own heart over someone who can't or won't return your feelings. Regarding where to go to meet women your age who aren't completely wild, the answer is: just about anywhere except a bar. Joining a club or organization dealing with something that interests you is a guaranteed way to meet people who have at least some of the same interests, and some of them may very well be women towards whom you feel an attraction. Co-ed sports teams are good... I have a friend who is a good amateur jazz musician and met his girlfriend at an improv jazz session... religious people often meet each other at church events... the list is endless and depends on what interests you. I think the trick is that there aren't many places outside a bar where you can go and specifically meet attractive single women in your age group. You have to go and meet as many people with similar interests as possible, and a surprisingly large number of those people will end up being compatible single women. Link to post Share on other sites
d1410 Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 cpt_morale: if you asked her about the possibility of being more than friends and she said she sees you as only one of her "girlfriends"....then there is no spark...for now. But, sometimes a spark takes time to develop. I would keep being her friend and one day, you never know. BUT, at least you brought the subject up!! I'm really fearful of saying anything to my guy friend. Probably because he's almost 6 yrs younger than me and he seems to want to play the field. we harmlessly flirt and the other night I got a twing of jealousy when this women seemed really into him. He seemed very interested in her as well. So, how would I know if he's thinking of me in a romantic way?? are there any telltale signs?? thanks for your encouragement tho :-) d1410 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cpt_Morale Posted June 30, 2003 Author Share Posted June 30, 2003 Thank you for all the help guys. Moral support is one of the most valuable gifts to give. D1410, I'm not sure about your guy. I can't speak for him specifically, because, I'm not him. I can just tell you some telltale signs that I have, and maybe the other guys around here can give you their's and you can build your own conclusions from there. 1. Flirting is always a good sign. If he doesn't respond to the flirting in a like manner, that's not a good sign. So, it sounds like he's responsive to it. 2. If he calls you to try to spend time. I call my friend once every couple of days, just to check in, so she doesn't forget about me. It gets me a lot of quality time with her. Kinda like applying for a job, I guess. 3. Compliments. If he compliments the way you look or anything like that, it's a good thing. If he mentions how the two of you think alike, it's a respect thing, which is good. 4. If he gives you attention. Not just noticing that you are around, but, if he listens to you then it shows that he is interested in what you have to say. It shows caring too. Other than these, I can't think of anything else. Like I said, these are just ways that I let a girl know I'm interested. Other guys will have other signs, just like women will. I hope this helps you out. Good luck with him. Cpt_morale Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamgirl03 Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 yeah, ive been in shortof the same situation. I had a guy friend that i met through my best friend. I met him when him and my best friend were *together* and i was in a relationship as well. Since that day he had a crush on me...we hung out alot and everything, but i only thought of him as a friend. I didnt think he was my type, and was interested in other guys. Then we lost contact for a year..and started talking again...and there again, i was in a relationship that didnt last much longer. We started talking alot and hanging out again..and before long, i found myself in love with him. We started dating in very early april 2001. He had truly become my 2nd best friend..and then my boyfriend. Shortly after my friends birthday (within 2 weeks) the following year(march 2002) he propsed. Then within a few months things started going downhill between us. We argued alot more..and so on. Then recently in April 2003 (1 week after our 2 year anniversary) we split. His parents decided they didnt like me at all anymore for whatever reasons, and he`s a mommy and daddy`s boy and listened to them. So, now i`m left hurt and betrayed...by the 1 person who meant everything to me..my best friend and lover. So..whatever you do, please be careful and know what ur getting into on dating ur best friend be4 someone gets hurt. You should always be friends first before dating, but watch out. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts