Yeah I know it's a tired subject, but...

[SunnySideUp]

Ok, I know it's a tired subject, but I have a very specific question about my husband and his porn usage, I'd really just like some outside opinions and if you don't want to comment about this "tired subject" which I know I can search out in this forum, don't comment.

 

I've been married for 2 1/2 years. My husband and I went through a rough time where I'd find a search window left up on his computer or happen to catch a porn website in the history, after for years he claimed that he did not watch porn and did not masterbate often. I confronted him about the whole thing several times, basically wondering why he felt the need to lie about it. Several times he got very defensive and angry and basically still claimed to not be watching it to masterbate, but to use it in an art project. Finally I decided to drop it, and communicated to him that I didn't care if he watched it (I still do not), that I watch it occasionally too, and that I didn't appreciate the way he was dishonest about it, but now understood that he was probably just embarassed (which he definitely was). He seemed relieved to hear me say all this.

 

BUT... Now I pretty much know that every time I leave the house and he gets a few minutes alone he's watching porn. That still doesn't bother me. The thing that bothers me is that in any given week, I'm the one to make any and all sexual advances, with maybe one or two exceptions per month. I am rejected about 50% of the time. And given the occasions I leave, I've begun to realize that my husband probably masterbates to porn more often than we have sex. Today was a perfect example--This morning we were both up early, our son was napping, and we began joking around about sex, after which I tried to initiate and was rejected, my husband saying he had absolutely no sex drive at the moment. My son and I were away all day and after we got back I noticed in the history that there was porn. THIS HAS HAPPENED MANY TIMES. I don't think I'm being irrational in interpretting this as my husband actually preferring porn over sex with me. What do others thinK?

[OWoman]

I don't think I'm being irrational in interpretting this as my husband actually preferring porn over sex with me. What do others thinK?

 

Sunny... perhaps it's a performance issue? Has he had occasions with you where, well, he's not risen to the occasion? Perhaps he's afraid that he won't be up to it, so to speak.

 

Another possibility is that he's gotten so used to the air-brushed perfection and robotic performances of the porn actors that a real live encounter doesn't push his buttons anymore? Perhaps a wrinkle, a dimple, a grey hair or any other trace of actual human being has become distasteful to him after the photoshopped androids so seamlessly choreographed?

 

What kind of porn is he getting off on? If it's out of the mainstream, it may be difficult to "compete" - perhaps it's now cross-racial shemales in inter-species orgies on the backs of pink elephants he requires to arouse him, which might be difficult to replicate in the average suburban bedroom. It might be worth clicking on some links and seeing where they take you...

[shadowofman]

He may in fact be prefering masterbation to sex, not nessessarily porn. Masterbation requires very little effort. It is mindless self gratification and therefore often more comfortable than any sort of interaction with another person. Not only does it require less overall energy, but just a quick stress releaving exercise.

 

Or, I know this is difficult for some people to hear, but he may be endulging in a safe need for promiscuity. This is also a tired arguement, but I believe that promiscuousness is a biological sexual drive just like any other. And porn is a somewhat acceptable way to release promiscuous tendancies in a monogamous relationship. Personally, if I didn't have porn as an option in my relationship, I would likely loose all interest in sex all together.

 

There are probably dozens of reasons for his particular behavior. Talk to him about it. It's the only way you'll ever know. Everyone has a theory.

[OpenBook]

Apparently you don't turn him on. The porn isn't the problem, just a manifestation of the problem. He's choosing it (over you) as a sexual outlet. (At least it's better than him going out and cheating on you with an actual warm body!) Can you talk to him about why you guys aren't having sex like you used to, without bringing up the porn at all? Just focus on each other? Maybe it's just your approach to sex that turns him off. I can't help but think he's using the porn to avoid something with you. Just throwing some thoughts out there.

[shadowofman]

Another possibility is that he's gotten so used to the air-brushed perfection and robotic performances of the porn actors that a real live encounter doesn't push his buttons anymore? Perhaps a wrinkle, a dimple, a grey hair or any other trace of actual human being has become distasteful to him after the photoshopped androids so seamlessly choreographed?

 

While I will not dismiss this theory entirely, I have to stress that it's unlikely. This is often the first thought, especially of the women that are being neglected, but most men are not that jaded in this respect. It is more likely the sexual acts that are driving his interest, not the lack of arousal from the spouse. There is always the exception, like if you gained or lost more weight then he finds physically appealing, etc.

[shadowofman]

I can't help but think he's using the porn to avoid something with you.

 

Yeah, like his interest in gangbangs, or girl on girl, or some other perversion. Or, if not a particular act, then his interest in other women in addition to his usual.

[SunnySideUp]

Thanks everyone for your replies thus far. To answer some questions, no I don't think it could be a performance issue, there have only been a few times in years of us having sex that he couldn't perform or finish. It's mainstream porn he's looking at. No, I have not gained weight or lost weight, actually I weigh exactly the same as I did before our son was born. I have tried to talk to him generally about his drop in interest in sex, and each time he'd state very generally (not using his exact words, here) that it's just a natural process in a relationship, and he can't be expected to have the same passion as when we were first dating, which I agree with and understand. However, to me it seems like that's not a completely honest answer, because of incidents like the one today. Shadowofaman-the idea of a safe need for promiscuity is something that has crossed my mind too, having studied evolutionary biology and the natural tendency of several species toward monogamy with incidents of promiscuity. Thanks for bringing it up.

[shadowofman]

Let me make one suggestion for the women that are not getting enough from their relationship. Try this sometime. Do something physically drastic to create the illusion of variety. Change your hair cut and color, or better yet try wigs. It may sound funny, but it's like a disguise. I suggest wigs because you can do this for a one time event and then go right back to the regular. Wear clothes that are not the average. If your a jeans type of girl wear a shirt.

 

Basically indulge in the male interest in variety. Maybe your disguise is so great that you could catch him in the "real" world and trick him into thinking you are actually another woman. Of course I'm sure you would eventually want to make it clear that it's you and this behavior is not allowed with truely other women.

 

You would be surprised by what you can trick a man's libido into believing.

Temporary tattoos, different make-up, different hair. Even if it's tackier than your usual, different is the key.

[SunnySideUp]

Shadowofaman-Great suggestion, and believe it or not, I've already tried it, over and over again. Get this--I have even made (sewn myself to fit perfectly) three sexy outfits, complete with platform stripper shoes and accessories: a schoolgirl outfit, a nurse, and a french maid. My husband's response was definitely upped when I wore these, but even then, he was sort of resistant at first.

 

 

I just confronted him about this whole problem, saying I wasn't mad, just that I would like to understand what the problem is, or if it's just a need for variety type of thing, and just wanted to hear it from his mouth. He got very angry and defensive, and actually had most of the discussion with me while he was facing away from me. I think he revealed more than he wanted to when he said "it might have to do with me not wanting sex before, like before I met you". He was talking about the fact that up until he was 19 or so he was sort of resistant to the idea of sex, didn't have a serious relationship, and didn't think it was necessary. When he was 19 he dated our then mutual friend for several years and lost his virginity to her. I was his second serious relationship and second lover. Hearing him say that makes me realize the problem is probably one of intimacy. He does have all the stereotypical happenings in his life to warrant major intimacy issues (distant, alcoholic, abandoning father, mother died at age 14, etc). So I decided I'm going to ask him to go to counseling with me, and give him an ultimatum if I have to. He goes to counseling himself but I think this is a problem between us.

[momto4boys]

Have you considered role playing? I have a friend whose husband was into porn and when she clicked on the links to see where he had been, she found out that he was really into the whole "dominatrix" thing and every one he had been on had women dressed up in some type of get up that was so different than what they had in the bedroom. She talked to him about it and after the initial embarassment, they decided that she would try "dressing up" for him in the bedroom. Since then, there sex life is better than ever and he rarely watches porn anymore. Not saying that he shouldn't, but that's what he was lacking in the relationship. Just a suggestion....best of luck to you

[SunnySideUp]

momto4boys did you read my above post? He's more into that stuff than dominatrix stuff and it still only mildly worked...

[Cobra_X30]

Shadowofaman-Great suggestion, and believe it or not, I've already tried it, over and over again. Get this--I have even made (sewn myself to fit perfectly) three sexy outfits, complete with platform stripper shoes and accessories: a schoolgirl outfit, a nurse, and a french maid. My husband's response was definitely upped when I wore these, but even then, he was sort of resistant at first.

 

I think your onto something with the idea of intimacy issues. However, make sure you remember that guys tend to compartmentalize better than women.

 

You may also be dealing with some compounding issues. Example, he may not feel that you are available at the times he wants it. Or that sex requires too much effort from him.

 

I note that when you say he is often initially resistant to your advances. That really does sound like a touch of performance anxiety.

 

Just some thoughts.

[thankful15289]

I think you are right about the fear of intimacy, although I wouldn't be too quick to discount performance anxiety. I take medication which makes it hard for me to always perform, and it is ALWAYS in the back of my mind. A lot of times I don't initiate sex because I am afraid I won't be able to complete the act and will disappoint my wife. And yes, that's a big deal to me even though I know she would understand.

 

I know that I have problems with intimacy. I'm probably worse than your husband, because I will beg off sex with my wife IN ORDER to go and jerk off to porn. And its not because I don't like having sex with her, because I do. Its just that, as an earlier poster noted, porn makes no demands on me. Its a complete fantasy and escape, and for a lot of guys that is very important.

 

You might also ask him (if you don't know) about his porn usage outside of committed relationships. I can say that I looked at a lot of porn before getting married just because I had nothing else. I definitely gets to be a habit, and after the thrill of real live sex wears off there are the old demons again waiting to surface.

 

One final note: despite the rumours, Internet porn of any quality is not free. Its worth checking further to see how he is financing his habit.

 

I really feel for you and think your husband should be VERY grateful to have such an understanding wife. I hope you realize after reading these posts that this is his issue and not yours. Good luck!

[SunnySideUp]

Thankful

Thanks for your response. I really can't believe that it could be performance anxiety, though he is sort of down on himself sometimes. The reason is, he is excellent in bed and I always make it clear to him that I'm satisfied. There are occasions where he finishes before I have, and I know he feels kind of bad about those times because he'll joke about it, like "that must be a new record...". BUT he hardly ever cannot finish the task. It really has only happened a few times, probably less than five. Also, he is not paying for porn, he just uses free sites. That would be a whole other issue and I think he'd find a way to get it for free somehow. I do know about his porn usage outside committed relationships. He's been using it since he was young, before he entered his first committed relationship, so to him porn and masterbation go hand in hand.

 

Cobra-Well, he is generally a lazy person. The effort thing might be a part of it. There are very few times I refuse him, though. Usually I'm so happy he's making an advance that I go for it. It's me initiating 98% of the time, and even when he accepts he usually at first jokingly pushes me away or says "hey now...", things like that. It usually takes a little bit of coaxing, which I also am sort of struggling with. It wasn't always like this. Up until our son was born we probably each initiated equally.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra-Well, he is generally a lazy person. The effort thing might be a part of it. There are very few times I refuse him, though. Usually I'm so happy he's making an advance that I go for it. It's me initiating 98% of the time, and even when he accepts he usually at first jokingly pushes me away or says "hey now...", things like that. It usually takes a little bit of coaxing, which I also am sort of struggling with. It wasn't always like this. Up until our son was born we probably each initiated equally.

 

 

Oh, I didn't mean to imply that you were not making yourself available. It's more that he probably gets turned on at times where it's much easier to take care of himself rather than get you involved.

 

Example... 10 minutes before you leave for work... or the grocery store... or something similar. It's usually just a mental block! Sometimes when guys get lazy about this... sometimes just the effort of initiating is too much.

 

Seriously... it's very selfish of him.

[SunnySideUp]

Well, he just came home from work and I told him that this whole issue in our marriage that's causing all these little problems I keep bringing up is very important to me, and that I would really appreciate him coming with me to a marriage counselor. He was extremely angry, as he always reacts when I bring up something I have a problem with. He tried to make me feel bad for bringing it up when I did, which he always does no matter WHEN I bring up a problem. I've tried all different times of day, days of the week, believe me. He did however agree that we might have some intimacy problems, which surprised me, and luckily (but angrily) agreed to go see a marriage counselor with me. Yay! He thinks in the mean-time, until this is all "fixed" as he puts it, it's going to ruin being at home. It's like if he knows there's a problem, he is too uncomfortable to be at home.

[shadowofman]

Well keep us updated on the issue. I'm interested in men's problems and comparing them to mine. For instance, Thankful asked about his porn usage while single. My porn usage while single drops to nearly zero, and then sky rockets while in a relationship. Masterbation as my only option for sexual release depresses the hell out of me.

[MakeItCount]

"Skyrockets", eh?

 

To the OP - this is a perfect reason to disregard this person's comments. All of them.

 

It sounds like your husband has a porn addiction. The deceit, lack of interest in real sex, hiding his actions...all very addiction-related behaviors. I know how low it can make a person feel, when their partner does things like this.

 

Your acceptance of the porn, your attempts to spice up your sex life - none of it will work while porn is such a priority for him.

 

Btw, wearing wigs, tacky makeup, fake tattoos? Nonsense. Pure and utter bullcrap. Making things exciting is doable without disregarding/hiding your identity.

 

 

 

 

Well keep us updated on the issue. I'm interested in men's problems and comparing them to mine. For instance, Thankful asked about his porn usage while single. My porn usage while single drops to nearly zero, and then sky rockets while in a relationship. Masterbation as my only option for sexual release depresses the hell out of me.

[SunnySideUp]

Shadowofaman

 

That sounds a lot like my husband's view of it, no matter if its when in a relationship or when single. We're going to try this married psychologist couple once a month and see how it goes. In a furvor of searching for answers yesterday I read "men are from mars women are from venus". Basically what I got out of it was I realized the difficult times we've been through may have ruined some of the intimacy in our marriage and it might be a large part my fault--my parents were *******s to each other and I never really learned how to argue (or not argue) correctly or to be respectful to someone I live with until I started seeing a therapist early in 2007. After that our marriage significantly improved, but I think it might still be reeling from that tough time, as well as all the others. My husband was depressed and even suicidal for a while right before our son was born and afterwards, and our son had a long stay in the hospital and was initially diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Man... I'm sharing a LOT of personal stuff here, let me know if it's too much.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Would you and he consider watching porn together?

[SunnySideUp]

We've talked about that and dismissed it as not being necessary. Plus I know he associates with masterbation and thinks it's something to be viewed privately.

 

It's strange because it's very easy for us to arouse each other, we have great chemistry still and like I said before, my husband has no trouble finishing. He often even finishes before he'd like to, so I know I still "do it for him" as it's said. It's like the initiating part that he gets tripped up on.

[SunnySideUp]

oops... I changed my sentence, and did NOT mean to put "like" in there. I sound like a valley girl...

[Mr. Lucky]

We've talked about that and dismissed it as not being necessary.

 

I'm probably in the minority here but I wonder if your H sees you as controlling? You're searching his browser history, confronting him about masturbating (which most men do, porn-aided or not) and then leaving the house in what feels like a set-up to see if you can catch him "using" again. And now you've "dismissed" watching porn together ?

 

It sounds more like a Mother and Teenage Son than a marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SunnySideUp]

Mr Lucky

 

I am worried about whether my behavior is controlling. I initially began looking at the history because a couple times he'd leave a search window on a file sharing program open, with a search for porn, after for years talking about how he didn't like porn and didn't watch it. I was shocked that he might be lying to me, and wanted to see if indeed he was lying to me about it. He make comments about not liking it when not even prompted, usually in the company of others. I would never have otherwise asked him about porn usage or masterbating. I just couldn't believe he was lying to me about something I felt he didn't even need to share, and confirmed that he was lying about it. That's when I first confronted him, wondering why he felt the need to lie about it, and that's when he made up this story about using it for an art project, which compounded things even more because I knew that was a lie too. Before this, I've never known him to lie to me about anything and it was shocking and confusing. This all happened after our son was born, which is when he started acting weird about sex and declining me often.

 

I did NOT leave the house in a set-up, I had to work and bring our son to his grandmothers; I was gone all day, which is what happens every weekend day. The reason I checked when I got back to the house was because he refused my advances that morning and I wanted to see if maybe there is some sort of connection between his porn usage and lack of interest in actual sex, because I know he won't be open and honest about it.

[SunnySideUp]

Mr Lucky

Oh yeah, I forgot to add that I was the one to bring up watching porn together, as I would enjoy it on occasion, and he was the one who really wasn't interested in it, which is why we dismissed the idea.