Mr. Lucky Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Mr Lucky Oh yeah, I forgot to add that I was the one to bring up watching porn together, as I would enjoy it on occasion, and he was the one who really wasn't interested in it, which is why we dismissed the idea. SSU - I didn't say your behavior was controlling, I said "I wonder if your H sees you as controlling". Perhaps this is all about perception? Maybe he's still hung up (Catholic upbringing?) on thinking that porn AND masturbation are wrong. You "caught" him, he was embarrassed, he lied for that reason and now you've caught him in the lie more than once. That makes him defensive and, in my experience, often leads to anger. Hence his reaction when you suggested MC. Just my thoughts and, if so, I agree that counseling is the first step in getting this all straightened out. I hope it goes well for you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySideUp Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 Mr. Lucky Don't worry, I know you didnt say my behavior is controlling, but I feel like it might be sometimes, actually it's something I constantly struggle with because my mother is a control freak. I try very hard to not be controlling or manipulative, and constantly analyze my thoughts and actions to be careful. I think there's maybe you're right about him thinking porn and masterbation are "wrong", though he did NOT have a catholic upbringing at all. I'm not sure where he would have gotten the idea, though it very well could have been with one of his aunts or cousins or friend's parents or whoever else he'd lived with for periods of time. I do definitely think he lied because he was embarrassed, which he indirectly admitted to the last time we discussed the whole lying thing. His first response when I bring up pretty much any problem I have is to get angry and defensive, because he immediately gets upset that I'm upset, and that he might have caused it. I do wonder if he thinks I'm controlling, or may still have lingering feelings of defensiveness or anger because of the whole catching him in a lie. After we discussed all that stuff I shared with him my experience with and use of pornography, because he'd never asked about it and we'd never discussed it before. I hoped to open up the lines of communication about it and maybe he'd realize that it's ok, not sure if I did that though. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyintights Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 lets just say what all others fail to speak: you are just not attractive to him at this point. he'd rather "save himself" for some porn girl. somehow, that is more exciting to him than you. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyintights Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 = It's strange because it's very easy for us to arouse each other, we have great chemistry still and like I said before, my husband has no trouble finishing. He often even finishes before he'd like to, so I know I still "do it for him" as it's said. It's like the initiating part that he gets tripped up on. HAHA.. if that were true, he wouldn't reject you most of the time! You may be getting turned on, buts its fairly clear that he ISNT unless you coax him and get him to perform the act FINALLY! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySideUp Posted February 6, 2008 Author Share Posted February 6, 2008 ladyintights that's what happens most of the time. It's like I said, whenever we it does happen, it's amazing, but it seems like it's almost a psychological thing that he doesn't want to do it a lot of the time. Even when his body is physically aroused... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 lets just say what all others fail to speak: you are just not attractive to him at this point. he'd rather "save himself" for some porn girl. somehow, that is more exciting to him than you. Let's just say I don't think that's true. The problem is more complex than that... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 SSU, this must be a great wound to your sense of self. Male or female, I think we take it personally when our partner rejects us sexually. Our sexuality and feelings of being attractive to our mate are REALLY important. I was just reading LankyGuy's thread. And then saw your post about how your child was born with health issues. Just a couple of posts back you said your boyfriend started getting all weird around the time when your son was born, and you also mentioned an unplanned conception. A correlation between the two (birth & lack of sex) screams out to me here.? I have been blessed with 3 healthy children whose biggest problem so far in life was getting a B instead of an A in a test. I have ZERO experience in dealing with birth defects, serious illness or chronic disease in my children. Do you think your boyfriend is carrying guilt about his son? Or some distaste about his child not being healthy?? I am treading carefully here and they are only suggestions that were the first ideas that came to my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Like when I was a kid, I never wanted to get in the shower, but once I was in I didn't want to get out. I know the feeling. Lets not underestimate what a stifled sexuality can do to ones libido. It can even cause erectile dysfunction. I am now at the point that I don't have any interest in initiating sex. I never reject but I don't make any advances. I have also lost interest in masterbation. It's only a matter of time before she comments on this fact. It is all about my state of mind at the moment. I have lost all hope for a progressive sexlife with my wife. I have come to accept that I will never have sex with anyone else. And that is not very exciting to me. I once lived on the hope that she would become more adventurous, but I know now that this was wishfull thinking. Chances are that I will again become delusional. Maybe she will do or suggest something that will renew my hope. And I will blow it out of perportion in my mind. The sex will be exciting again. Until I lose hope once more. I swear this has happened a dozen times in the past 5 years. Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Shadow - your wife has had to accept that she's never going to have sex with anybody else either. Did you pledge vows of fidelity? If so, what part of fidelity don't you understand. Maybe the issues are hers...but if you were so bland with me, I wouldn't be interested in you either. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 No vows. Once, when we first got together, she was upset and expressed her feelings of inadequesy. "You have had all of these experiences" she said. "I don't know if I would be ready for anything like that" To which I told her that we didn't have to do anything that she was not comfortable with. In fact at that time I was not interested in anyone else. Romantic love as it is. Always in my mind, she would eventually become interested. Anyway this is about Sunny. Sorry for hyjacking like that. Just a rant. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeItCount Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 It's called 'having boundaries', not being controlling or manipulative. Every person has boundaries in a relationship. Some are fairly strict, others are pretty lenient. In any case, your boundaries are a form of self-protection. This is not about controlling his behavior - it is about controlling the amount of pain and humiliation that you allow another person to introduce into your space. If his behavior is unacceptable to you, you have every right to enforce your boundaries (and should). One of mine is that I cannot tolerate dishonesty. If someone is dishonest with me in a relationship, I have the right to call them out on it, suggest a solution, or leave. The man who commented was right in one aspect - he said that this relationship sounds like a mom and a teenage son. That's because your husband is acting like a pubescent child. Any real adult in that situation would respond as you have, by taking the reigns (much like a mother would do). Good luck. Mr. Lucky Don't worry, I know you didnt say my behavior is controlling, but I feel like it might be sometimes, actually it's something I constantly struggle with because my mother is a control freak. I try very hard to not be controlling or manipulative, and constantly analyze my thoughts and actions to be careful. I think there's maybe you're right about him thinking porn and masterbation are "wrong", though he did NOT have a catholic upbringing at all. I'm not sure where he would have gotten the idea, though it very well could have been with one of his aunts or cousins or friend's parents or whoever else he'd lived with for periods of time. I do definitely think he lied because he was embarrassed, which he indirectly admitted to the last time we discussed the whole lying thing. His first response when I bring up pretty much any problem I have is to get angry and defensive, because he immediately gets upset that I'm upset, and that he might have caused it. I do wonder if he thinks I'm controlling, or may still have lingering feelings of defensiveness or anger because of the whole catching him in a lie. After we discussed all that stuff I shared with him my experience with and use of pornography, because he'd never asked about it and we'd never discussed it before. I hoped to open up the lines of communication about it and maybe he'd realize that it's ok, not sure if I did that though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySideUp Posted February 6, 2008 Author Share Posted February 6, 2008 Thanks for you post, MakeItCount. Shadowofaman- don't worry about "hijaking" my thread, the point is to get other peoples' opinions and stories. When you talk about your wife not being adventurous, do you mean not wanting to add someone else into the mix? Just curious... HisLove- I definitely would not doubt that my husband has negative feelings about our son's condition and difficult birth, like maybe he caused it all or something. He does tend to hold guilt about things that aren't really his fault. Do you think this could contribute to not wanting to be intimate? Yes, it has been a complete blow to my self-worth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySideUp Posted February 6, 2008 Author Share Posted February 6, 2008 Update... My husband is following through with his agreement to see a MC with me, and doing so without expressing anger about it, which makes me very appreciative. Generally, knowing there's a problem we have to work on makes him very uncomfortable and usually he withdraws from me a bit. However, last night after we put our son to bed we had sort of a "date", which means we hung out outside our apartment, had a couple drinks, and talked for a few hours. It was very nice and I felt very close to him. When we went to bed I gave him a kiss goodnight, and then HE initiated intimacy! I was pretty surprised. This happens maybe once a month usually. It was VERY passionate, the way it used to be before we were married, and I could tell he was trying to "impress" me, if you get what I mean. He was being very selfless and lLOVING. I cannot remember the last time it was like that. It felt VERY intimate, and it made me extremely happy. Now, I'm not complaining, just curious if people think that he may have "given more" as a response to my complaint of feeling rejected and inadequate because he so frequently has denied my advances. Link to post Share on other sites
annieo Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Update... My husband is following through with his agreement to see a MC with me, and doing so without expressing anger about it, which makes me very appreciative. Generally, knowing there's a problem we have to work on makes him very uncomfortable and usually he withdraws from me a bit. However, last night after we put our son to bed we had sort of a "date", which means we hung out outside our apartment, had a couple drinks, and talked for a few hours. It was very nice and I felt very close to him. When we went to bed I gave him a kiss goodnight, and then HE initiated intimacy! I was pretty surprised. This happens maybe once a month usually. It was VERY passionate, the way it used to be before we were married, and I could tell he was trying to "impress" me, if you get what I mean. He was being very selfless and lLOVING. I cannot remember the last time it was like that. It felt VERY intimate, and it made me extremely happy. Now, I'm not complaining, just curious if people think that he may have "given more" as a response to my complaint of feeling rejected and inadequate because he so frequently has denied my advances. Who knows what goes on in another person's head, but I would say that there is some vestige of goodwill/love towards you, in him, and he was trying to reconnect with you. A good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Shadowofaman- don't worry about "hijaking" my thread, the point is to get other peoples' opinions and stories. When you talk about your wife not being adventurous, do you mean not wanting to add someone else into the mix? Just curious... For me, that's what I mean. Whatever adventurous means for her is cool too though. If it got her off to crap in my mouth, I'd let her. Couldn't promise I wouldn't vomit afterword, but I'd do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySideUp Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 That's very selfless of you!! Link to post Share on other sites
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