i feel like everyone likes my roommate better than me

[fever to tell]

I am a freshmen at college and I am good friends with my roommate. We often go out together and its starting to make me feel bad about myself because I feel like everyone likes her better than me.

 

Our personalities are basically polar opposites. She is ALWAYS perky, smiling, happy, and nice. She talks very slowly in a very high pitched voice. Ditzy, basically... her absent mindedness sometimes makes her a very inconsiderate roommate. She got into our prestigious university through affirmative action claiming to be a 'student of color' even though she's 1/16th Brazilian and is blonde haired and blue eyed. She is a dance major, and was shocked to hear my SAT scores even though everyone else ive encountered here have had scores in the same range...

 

In contrast, I can be very shy at first (though not at all once I am comfortable around someone) and have been told I can be very intimidating. I have had some bad sexual experiences with guys that make me very skeptical of the gender as a whole. I have much more to contribute in a conversation, and a better sense of humor, but my shyness is often misinterpreted as disinterest.

 

Physically, she has an average face, but is VERY voluptuous, but also very skinny, making me feel inadequate about my body. I've been told that i have a very pretty face but shes just 'thicker;' my body type is more lanky.

 

Don't get me wrong: my roommate is a very nice person and I like her alot, although at times i get very annoyed with her. its just that being around AND being compared to her (which i know for a fact that we are) all the time gets me down. sometimes i feel like no one pays any attention to me, just to her. : ( in some ways she just appeals to 'athletes' more and i am more appreciated by 'artsy' types but i dont know... she has hooked up with many people here whereas ive only had two flings, and ive been feeling very lonely lately.

 

hope to not sound like a bitter bitch...

any advice?

[serial muse]

Hi fever. I read your other posts...sounds like you've had some ups and downs adjusting to college life and are also feeling rejected by a recent FWB. I don't know if that's coloring your feelings about your roommate, but while I can understand your frustration if you really are being compared to her (although how do you know for a fact that you are?), do you really think that she's only there at your "prestigious university" due to "affirmative action"? Between the comments about her smarts and the bits about how you don't think she's got much to contribute in a conversation, doesn't have much of a sense of humor, has only an "average" face and a "thicker" body than you...well, yes, you sound bitter and jealous. It's not convincing evidence about her, and just reflects on you. Don't go there.

 

Seriously, it's okay and perfectly natural that you're feeling insecure; and it's frustrating to watch how easy it appears to be for someone with a certain kind of gregarious personality to meet people and make friends quickly. And it's rough if you feel like you're standing in the shadow of that often. But adjusting to those things and finding your own speed and friends is just part of college life, everybody's dealing with those insecurities (she probably is, too, in her own way) and you'll find it a lot easier on you if you don't compare yourself to her quite so much. She's who she is and you are who you are, and you're only halfway into your freshman year. You'll figure this stuff out and find your way - really.

 

Also, I'm wondering if you're thinking in particular of a person - a guy, maybe - who you're interested in but seems more taken with her than you'd like?

Edited February 4, 2008 by serial muse

[spookie]

You know, growing up, one of my best friends was a flirtatious, DD-chested blonde, while I was tall, lanky, mousey-haired, shy, awkward, and completely flat-chested; so, I can totally sympathize with your feeling like you're living in her shadow.

 

But ya know... you're who you are, and she's who she is, and there's really nothing you can about that short of getting a boobjob, dying your hair blonde, and molding your personality on hers, which, believe me, would not make you more attractive to anyone.

 

The most important part about growing up is learning to accept yourself for who you are, and being comfortbale and confident with that. CONFIDENCE is sexy. And confidence entails allowing people their strengths without feeling like insecure about that.

 

I see you trying to build yourslef up by trying to take her down, justifying why you are better (higher SAT score, "have more to add to a conversation", etc.) but that is not friendly, not nice... it's mean-spirited, bitter, and motivated entirely by jealousy, which is not an emotion that is ever attractive on anyone.

 

I know you'll figure this out anyway, it just takes time... but if you feel insecure, what you really should be doing is working on yourself to become the person YOU want to be; not trying to put everyone around you down so you look better to yourself in comparison.

 

Regarding the sexual expereinces.... I haven't read your other thread, where presumably you talked abotu them, so I have no idea what you're talking about, but believe me, random hookups in your first semester of college do NOT say anything about your worth as a person. It takes a long time to find someone you're compatible with, and everything else is meaningless. It can be FUN, teach you things about yourself, etc... but to measure your worth in terms of number of guys wanting to you is dumb.

[fever to tell]

thanks for the replies

 

ps. the bad sexual experiences have nothing to do with my past threads

[norajane]

Oh, I know that feeling. One of my best friends is a petite bleached blonde with large breasts who wears lots of make-up and brings the girls out for show whenever we go out. She gets a ton of attention from men, and sometime I do feel that little pang of, gee, maybe I should step up my game and I'd get that kind of attention.

 

Howevah, common sense soon prevails and I remember a few things:

 

- the kinds of guys she is attracting aren't the kinds of guys I am actually interested in, nor would I ever date

 

- the guys who are interested in me, are NOT interested in her. In fact, this happened this past weekend, where a guy she'd met through a friend a few months back and who had never asked her out or shown any interest, took a shine to me right away when we met

 

- I feel great about who I am and how I look and don't really want to change anything about myself just to appeal to more men - it wouldn't be the real me

 

So, I'd say don't worry about it, and maybe expand your social circle to others with whom you have more in common in terms of interests, etc. You're more likely to find a good relationship when you are doing things you enjoy, because he's also doing those same things.

[fever to tell]

thanks, glad to know someone emphasizes and has overcome it!

 

btw, i would never put her down like that in reality, i was just venting my inner thoughts online

[spookie]

I also wanted to add that "attention from guys" != "being succesful at meaningful relationships".

 

In the example of me and my friend, she was consntalty hit on, but her R's were are short, meaningless, and ended in the guys cheating on her.... I am not sure if that's cause of the guys she went for, or the ones attracted to her.

 

On the other hand, when I was younger at least, barely anyone ever talked to me, but the guys that did want to get to know me, IMO were of a higher caliber in terms of success, intelligence, and ability to be good boyfriends.

 

So focus on your strengths, not her weaknesses. Believe me, there are plenty of guys who prefer you kind of girl to hers.

[Cobra_X30]

thanks, glad to know someone emphasizes and has overcome it!

 

btw, i would never put her down like that in reality, i was just venting my inner thoughts online

 

My Frosh roomie was literally the hottest guy on campus. It took a lot to adjust to that!

 

It bothered me at first until I realized he was really just a skank magnet

 

You two dont have to share friend groups. Be friends with some of her friends, but have your own life too!

 

I was one of the more popular guys at my school... definitely they athletic type. Believe me, I would have been more interested in a girl like you!

[Els]

I always thought that guys always went for the... uh, intellectually-challenged females as well too. In my Asian society, it wouldn't be the ditzy ones, but the sickly-sweet, demure, butter-wouldn't-melt-in their mouth ones. You know, the ones who have no opinions different from others', who would never challenge authority? Oh, of course, they had to be pretty and delicate, too.

 

I thought it for 20 years or so. For even when I always seemed to get along fantastically with most guys, I was seen as the buddy-girl. The one they'd talk about anything and everything with, hang out with... and moan about all their "real-girl" problems with. I became pretty cynical about relationships -- they all said that they wanted someone whom they were comfortable and related with... but none of them really meant it.

 

However, my recent bf proved that this is not true of ALL guys. Unfortunately, it IS true of most. But are 'most' the type that you would want to date?

[fever to tell]

haha, oh yeah, once she turned to me and said word for word, "you know, I don't really have opinions about things." no joke

[pisces fish]

I think you are pretty shallow, sorry.

[MakeLemonade]

I have known people with insecurity issues, and I would tend to think this is all in your head. Just be yourself and stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking.

 

My PSA to all those with social insecurity issues: STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. 90-95% of the time their mind is somewhere else, they are not thinking about you and what you're wearing and what you just said, and how you said it and whether or not what you said was funny.

 

The reason people like your friend is well stated in your first paragraph: "She is ALWAYS perky, smiling, happy, and nice." Happy nice people are usually well-liked.

 

I truly say this with compassion and in the nicest way possible - get over yourself. Really, it will only benefit you in the long run.

[fever to tell]

I think you are pretty shallow, sorry.

 

based on this one thought that was bugging me that i decided to express on the internet? i guess this is why its better to talk to people in real life that actually know me than to post my thoughts online. i admit that im insecure, but i dont think im shallow.

 

thanks for all of your advice, but since i put this thread up in the heat of the moment and cant take it down now can i kindly ask for no more responses?

 

shoo, thread, shoo

[pisces fish]

Read make lemonade's response, that is what I meant. It is not always about looks why people like others, it's about personality, hon. In fact looks have very little to do with having friends and dating. You have a whoa is me personality.

It sucks that the guy you liked last fall and made out with turned out to be gay but that is not your roommate's fault.

Edited February 6, 2008 by pisces fish