Am I dumb to give him up?

[FlippinConfused]

I'm new to this board, and I've been reading some of your posts. It's interesting to know so many people are in a similar boat. Here's my question/story.

 

I got married at 23. I have been with my husband since I was 19, and I'm 29 now. In the course of our marriage we found out we were unexplainable infertile. We went through treatments to no avail. Basically, through that time communication between us shut down. I fell out of love and have been struggling for 3 years to get that lovin' feeling back.

 

It hasn't worked. This October I told husband about my change in feelings. I was ready to move out then. I also told him that I'd had an emotional affair three years ago when we were at the height of our troubles. He was upset, but he asked me to work on it with him. I said I would try, and seeing how hard he's working to make me want to stay was motivating, but now that a month has passed, I'm getting that feeling back. I don't want to keep leading him on.

 

My problem is that everyone I know loves him. He's good to me in all ways a husband should be. He accepts me for all my faults. I feel like I should try to stick it out for that reason, but I'm constantly tempted by other men. I never give in, but i am more tempted than I feel I should be.

 

I guess my question is, should i stay with him in hopes I love him again? Is that possible if after 3 years i haven't been able to recapture the love? I mean, everyone i know who is single would seem to kill to have someone like him--am I dumb to give him up?

[whichwayisup]

Don't let outside influences (family, friends, or even other men) get in the way of working it out. With that being said, don't stay IN the marriage if you're worried what family and friends will think if you two do divorce.

 

Have you and your husband done marriage counselling? Or are you trying to work on things together without professional help>

 

Keep talking to your husband, be honest. Let him know how you feel...Maybe together you two can recapture what you once had, or together decide it's time to call it quits.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm new to this board, and I've been reading some of your posts. It's interesting to know so many people are in a similar boat. Here's my question/story.

 

I got married at 23. I have been with my husband since I was 19, and I'm 29 now. In the course of our marriage we found out we were unexplainable infertile. We went through treatments to no avail. Basically, through that time communication between us shut down. I fell out of love and have been struggling for 3 years to get that lovin' feeling back.

 

It hasn't worked. This October I told husband about my change in feelings. I was ready to move out then. I also told him that I'd had an emotional affair three years ago when we were at the height of our troubles. He was upset, but he asked me to work on it with him. I said I would try, and seeing how hard he's working to make me want to stay was motivating, but now that a month has passed, I'm getting that feeling back. I don't want to keep leading him on.

 

My problem is that everyone I know loves him. He's good to me in all ways a husband should be. He accepts me for all my faults. I feel like I should try to stick it out for that reason, but I'm constantly tempted by other men. I never give in, but i am more tempted than I feel I should be.

 

I guess my question is, should i stay with him in hopes I love him again? Is that possible if after 3 years i haven't been able to recapture the love? I mean, everyone i know who is single would seem to kill to have someone like him--am I dumb to give him up?

 

Yes you are dumb, that's like Jada pinkett leaving will smith and knowing how many women would love to be with him. (Especially what I heard about Eva mendes hitting on him. Yeah! lol)

 

That's like me Having a top of the line Jag and trading it in for a toyota camry. It doesnt makes sense!!!

 

I get the fact that your attracted to other people. But can you control yourself.

 

You got married for life. and if you cant be faithful just tell him the truth and let him have a voice to your feelings and your marriage!

[amaysngrace]

Have you considered that you're scoping out other men because your desire to reproduce is taking over your desire for your husband?

[FlippinConfused]

Have you considered that you're scoping out other men because your desire to reproduce is taking over your desires for your husband?

 

You'd be a fool to not at least consider it.

 

Oh yea, I went through that phase about 2 years ago. I thought maybe if I slept with one other person, that would work...Since there is nothing wrong with him or me I thought I should just try it. I didn't buy that though. I didn't try it.

 

Maybe that opened the door? I had never been tempted before that. Maybe my temptation is just the 7 year itch? I've been keeping it under check, but I feel guilty for it.

[amaysngrace]

You're turning 30 and still no baby.

 

I think you should see someone about your hang up. I can't speak from experience on it because I've never had the disappointment you must feel but I think it probably is a reason for your wandering eye.

 

Losing your husband sounds like a mistake you may regret. I would go through all the motions needed to preserve the marriage rather than look for ways to end the marriage.

[FlippinConfused]

thanks amaysngrace -- infertility isn't something that is easy to deal with -- I know it's 95% of the source of our problems.

 

I tried individual counseling in November/December, but they basically told me I was "fine" Hubby is uncomfortable with couple's counseling, and I don't want to let him know about my wandering eye, since I would never physically cheat (not that emotional cheating isn't any better).

But, maybe a couple's counselor could help us. I'll think about it.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

I am in same situation. No longer attracted to husband, but am attracted to other men.

 

Mine is because of neglect, control and verbal abuse. I keep seeking non controlling men, but haven't been able to consummate an affair.

 

I have told my husband for over a year now that we are not working out and have asked him for a separation or divorce. He is cowardly and will not inititate. So, I will do it when I am ready. Don't know when that will be, but my guess is soon.

[sandflea]

I'm new to this board, and I've been reading some of your posts. It's interesting to know so many people are in a similar boat. Here's my question/story.

 

I got married at 23. I have been with my husband since I was 19, and I'm 29 now. In the course of our marriage we found out we were unexplainable infertile. We went through treatments to no avail. Basically, through that time communication between us shut down. I fell out of love and have been struggling for 3 years to get that lovin' feeling back.

 

It hasn't worked. This October I told husband about my change in feelings. I was ready to move out then. I also told him that I'd had an emotional affair three years ago when we were at the height of our troubles. He was upset, but he asked me to work on it with him. I said I would try, and seeing how hard he's working to make me want to stay was motivating, but now that a month has passed, I'm getting that feeling back. I don't want to keep leading him on.

 

My problem is that everyone I know loves him. He's good to me in all ways a husband should be. He accepts me for all my faults. I feel like I should try to stick it out for that reason, but I'm constantly tempted by other men. I never give in, but i am more tempted than I feel I should be.

 

I guess my question is, should i stay with him in hopes I love him again? Is that possible if after 3 years i haven't been able to recapture the love? I mean, everyone i know who is single would seem to kill to have someone like him--am I dumb to give him up?

 

Two words - "trial separation". If you think that you need that kind of space, then I'd suggest you really try it out to see what you think. Being single is all kinds of liberating - but it can also be scary. Suddenly your support system vanishes, and that is work.

 

The other side of the coin is - FREEDOM! You can do whatever you wish, date whoever turns you on, and in general - get your life back!

 

If this feeling isn't going away then you probably need some time and space to sort this out. If you shack up during the separation, no biggie. See how your mojo works - try new things.

 

You know the risks, etc.

 

SF

[base618]

I think I can speak from your husband's point of view pretty well. My wife convinced herself years ago that she had to have a baby by 35. We had problems, fertility treatments, put a strain on the marriage, she got depressed, sex felt like a prescription because it was only when the doctor told us to.

 

35 started to get closer and my wife began an EA with a co-worker, it led to a physical affair, which led to our pending divorce. I can understand the mental state she was in due to the infertility. But it's no excuse for the EA. When I caught her EA, it was about 8 weeks until it turned physical. Those 8 weeks were a nightmare, I really wished that she got drunk and had sex with someone. That I think I could have dealt with easier. I found the texts they were sending, I can't get them out of my mind. Caught her in so many lies.... If my wife didn't turn it into a physical affair, we probably had a 10% chance of making it due to the EA alone. Don't under estimate the hurt you have caused. When I first caught her, I went into 'panic' mode and tried to fix everything. I caught her talking to him 3 more times, each time I caught her, she promised to stop, and like an idiot (and against the advice of *everyone* on LS) I would give her another chance. I was willing to do anything and forgive anything at that point, I was trying to save my marriage. Sounds like he may be doing the same. At some point, it will catch up with him that he was cheated on.

 

My wife and I had a discussion about trying a separation. I told her that if she came to me and discussed all of the depression, stress, etc. Maybe we could have tried a separation. The EA completely ruined any chance of that. No way I would be able to sleep thinking "is she over his house tonight" etc.

 

I think you need to be honest with yourself. If he told you you had to move to another state to make it work, would you? If he told you that you had to quit, would you? They're two good indicators of how you feel. I would have followed my wife, or walked out of my job if needed. She came first, not work, not our home, and especially not the girl 3 cubicles down.

 

I'm just a random guy on the internet who doesn't count for anything, but as far as I can tell, you two are over. Do not lead him on. End it. I don't know the depths of your EA, but you cheated. Cheaters always cheat. You need to do some soul searching before you end up alone. Being tempted isn't going to magically go away with the next guy.

Edited February 5, 2008 by base618

[Mr. Lucky]

Have you considered that you're scoping out other men because your desire to reproduce is taking over your desire for your husband?

I was thinking the same thing. I also wonder whether you two have considered adoption? I've seen friends struggle with fertility issues and I know how much strain the issues (including the financial part) can put on your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FlippinConfused]

 

I'm just a random guy on the internet who doesn't count for anything, but as far as I can tell, you two are over. Do not lead him on. End it. I don't know the depths of your EA, but you cheated. Cheaters always cheat. You need to do some soul searching before you end up alone. Being tempted isn't going to magically go away with the next guy.

 

Hey random guy,

 

For me, the infertility was devastating because it was emotionally draining. I didn't care when I had a baby by, I just wanted one. To be 26 and basically told you can't reproduce for no explainable reason was crushing. When I needed to talk about that husband stuffed his feelings inside and acted as if I was over reacting. Then we went through round after round of treatments that wore my body out. I felt alone, isolated, and depressed, and the one person I expected to be there for me--my husband--brushed me off. The EA and I never talked about my marital problems or my husband, but he made me feel loved in a way I guess I was missing. When I realized I had filled that void with someone else I ended the EA (that was three years ago, and the EA went on for about 3 months, and I haven't spoken to EA since) , and since then, i've been much more guarded about my emotions, and far more physically tempted maybe twice. I've never acted on my temptation.

 

I appreciate your thoughts RG. Marriage isn't supposed to be easy, and everything I've said above I've shared with my husband in an effort to work it out (I didn't share the physical temptation part, but he knows about the EA). I have also started dedicating more time to him and avoiding situations where I know I feel more tempted. Some days I just want to get out of the marriage, but I keep having this nagging voice in my head saying that I should give it everything I have.

 

One thing I will say is that realizing you can't have kids when you always expected to have kids even when you were OK with adoption is not easy. It changed the way I saw myself, it changed interactions with friends. That may sound shallow, but there was nothing I could do about it. Not that I was entitled to an EA because of the infertility or our communication struggles. If anything, reading your posts have really shown me how devastating EAs can be. I wonder now if my husband has tried to mask his pain just to keep me around.

 

 

Oh, and we started looking at adoption, but it is so expensive, and since we're so young, I didn't feel ready to make that sacrifice. I know that babies are expensive, too, but our health insurance covers a lot of the up-front expense. Plus, with my doubts at present, I don't think it wise to bring a child into the mix.

Edited February 5, 2008 by FlippinConfused

[bigmanpayne]

 

I got married at 23. I have been with my husband since I was 19, and I'm 29 now. In the course of our marriage we found out we were unexplainable infertile. We went through treatments to no avail. Basically, through that time communication between us shut down. I fell out of love and have been struggling for 3 years to get that lovin' feeling back.

 

It hasn't worked. This October I told husband about my change in feelings. I was ready to move out then. I also told him that I'd had an emotional affair three years ago when we were at the height of our troubles. He was upset, but he asked me to work on it with him. I said I would try, and seeing how hard he's working to make me want to stay was motivating, but now that a month has passed, I'm getting that feeling back. I don't want to keep leading him on.

 

My problem is that everyone I know loves him. He's good to me in all ways a husband should be. He accepts me for all my faults. I feel like I should try to stick it out for that reason, but I'm constantly tempted by other men. I never give in, but i am more tempted than I feel I should be.

 

I guess my question is, should i stay with him in hopes I love him again? Is that possible if after 3 years i haven't been able to recapture the love? I mean, everyone i know who is single would seem to kill to have someone like him--am I dumb to give him up?

 

i guess i agree with amaysngrace.

 

i dont know either of you but is it possible that your problem is within you? by that i mean do you feel like because of the infertile stuff, do you feel like you are a disappointment to him? i mean you dont sound like you have any problems with him so what is the problem? i am 28, and maybe i haven't lived long enough to just fall out of love with someone for no apparent reason. could you love him so much that you want a baby with him, and because that hasn't happened, you feel bad and are interpreting that as "not having that loving feeling?"

 

i dont want to sound like i am accusing you of anything, i am just trying to understand. is there something else at play here? did he do something? say something that you didnt like? could you want another person because it like you can start over? by that i mean a fresh set of eyes to look at you; eyes that dont see infertility, but see you. i am not saying that your husband looks at you like that, sometimes (like in my own personal case) he doesn't have to necessarily do anything for you to feel that way. i am just guessing, i dont know anything. you just said yourself that anyone would kill to be with him, so why do you think you aren't "killing" to stay with him? is there something more to the story?

Edited February 8, 2008 by bigmanpayne

[FlippinConfused]

Hi Big Man,

 

Your questions summarize why I am so confused. I went to a therapist about this, and she thought I might resent husband for the infertility. I think she was right on many levels, and her insight led me to the following realizations--the result of which was my falling out of love. Sorry this is so long.

Bullet Number One:

I think his closing off when I needed him most through the treatments, etc., really hurt me--more than I realized. I felt isolated, and I stopped considering him someone I could share my emotions with. Thus, the intimate connection a wife should have with her husband was gone. I didn't realize this at the time. I was too depressed and confused. Otherwise, I would have told him, and I would have put us through therapy.

 

Bullet Number Two:

My emotional closure coincided with the EA I had and ended. I was wracked with guilt over the EA. I felt like a bad wife. My attraction to other men now continues to make me feel awful.

Bullet Number Three:

Now that I've come to accept the fact that adoption is my only way to have children, my biological clock has stopped ticking. I want to do things people with kids can't--travel, go out at night, etc. I know this feeling will die as I mature and grow older, but right now, it is what I need. He was a homebody.

 

Bullet Number Four:

Once all three of the preceding factors entered the picture, the fact that I'd been with the same person since I was 19 started to make me feel restless--which probably contributes to why I am so intrigued by other men. I didn't regret getting married, but I wanted freedom from it all. Husband wasn't willing to go on dates or do anything romantic any more. And any romance I felt like creating prior to this was zapped from me. Maybe I wanted to run away. I don't know. It was like the 7 year itch but magnified by all the other factors in my life--including the fact that prior to heading down the infertility trail, I lost 75 pounds and suddenly had more men hitting on me then I could have realized due to my appearance, improved confidence, etc.

 

Bullet Number Five:

After I was hit by bullets 1-4, the little petty things that never bothered me before, or only bothered me on a shallow level really started to irritate me--making me feel constantly in a state of --well, hate, i guess. I hated that he depended on me for all his entertainment, I hated that he couldn't go to the gym unless I was there, I hated that he couldn't clean to save his life, I hated that I had to initiate ever major decision in our lives.

 

Conclusion?

Without understanding really why my feelings changed, I fought for the last 3 years to love him again--for who he is, because he love me so unconditionally. This year we had a lot of tension due to his house guest, and we fought a lot, and finally I couldn't' take it. I told him everything, and now I'm struggling to bring back that loving feeling. We're both trying. But the bottom line is that I wonder if you can bring back the true love once it's gone. Can I really erase all of the bullets in our marriage from my mind? I know it's what everyone in my family wants me to do. I know that he is a wonderful husband, I know it will take a long time before I meet someone like him, but when do I say enough? He won't, I know because he is really in love with me. Which only makes me feel all the more guilty for my feelings.

 

Sadly, when we had fights before all of this, I used to be able to remember the day he proposed to me and how euphoric I was to know he would be my life partner. Now, it just makes me sad.

Edited February 8, 2008 by FlippinConfused

[amaysngrace]

Now, it just makes me sad.

 

 

It sounds like you only have resentment for your husband and I truly think it stems from you feeling inadequate as a wife. That's not fair to him. You are projecting your own feelings onto him making him out to be the bad guy because you have it made up in your mind that you are somehow bad. That's not true at all. But I think you treat him badly.

 

You are blaming him for not being more supportive during the time you guys were trying to conceive? Please be honest...were you overly difficult at the time? Did it ever occur to you that he may have been sad as well?

 

If you only got married to have children then I would say your marriage is over. If you got married to build a life with someone you love and loves you unconditionally then you stand a chance.

 

But you need to see your own fault in this. You ran to another man when your needs weren't being met. How did this make your husband feel? Did you ever ask him? Or is it only about your feelings?

 

Have you opened up to your husband to let him know how you feel as a woman not being able to have a baby? Have you shared this side of yourself with him or do you just show resentment for him as a cover up to avoid the main issue?

 

He can't get close to you unless you open up. And you won't be able to open up to him unless you quit shutting him down.

 

If you want to end your marriage end your marriage. If you aren't willing to do the work required to give it a good shot then get out. But to me a marriage should be about more than just making babies.

 

 

 

 

Oh means happy...not sad.

[FlippinConfused]

It sounds like you only have resentment for your husband and I truly think it stems from you feeling inadequate as a wife. That's not fair to him. You are projecting your own feelings onto him making him out to be the bad guy because you have it made up in your mind that you are somehow bad. That's not true at all. But I think you treat him badly.

 

You are blaming him for not being more supportive during the time you guys were trying to conceive? Please be honest...were you overly difficult at the time? Did it ever occur to you that he may have been sad as well?

 

If you only got married to have children then I would say your marriage is over. If you got married to build a life with someone you love and loves you unconditionally then you stand a chance.

 

But you need to see your own fault in this. You ran to another man when your needs weren't being met. How did this make your husband feel? Did you ever ask him? Or is it only about your feelings?

 

Have you opened up to your husband to let him know how you feel as a woman not being able to have a baby? Have you shared this side of yourself with him or do you just show resentment for him as a cover up to avoid the main issue?

 

He can't get close to you unless you open up. And you won't be able to open up to him unless you quit shutting him down.

 

If you want to end your marriage end your marriage. If you aren't willing to do the work required to give it a good shot then get out. But to me a marriage should be about more than just making babies.

 

 

 

 

Oh means happy...not sad.

 

Judging judging is no fun...

 

I could see kernels of truth in your post a.grace, but the manner in which you deliver it is so aggressive/accusatory that it automatically propels me into defensive mode. That's not a productive place to be. And I'm beginning to doubt why I thought this board would be a helpful place for me.

 

As for the inadvertent use of the happy emoticon instead of the sad one..that was new user error. But, based on your tone, I doubt you'd believe that.

 

Sorry to have bothered this board. I'll depart.

[amaysngrace]

I could see kernels of truth in your post a.grace, but the manner in which you deliver it is so aggressive/accusatory that it automatically propels me into defensive mode.

 

I wasn't judging you and I am sorry if you took offense to what I said. In fact I think I said you are not a bad person. Only that you treat your husband unfairly.

 

All I was doing was trying to be objective enough to see it from your husband's POV.

 

Maybe I hit too close to home by siding with him, like the people closest in your life do.

 

Maybe you wanted someone to say you aren't dumb to leave your husband? I don't know. But you asked and I gave my opinion.

 

The problem with conversing over the internet is you cannot hear the words being spoken. Had you been able to you hopefully would have been able to understand that I was trying to be helpful, in my own direct way.

 

I'm sorry I wasn't.

[Cobra_X30]

Judging judging is no fun...

 

I could see kernels of truth in your post a.grace, but the manner in which you deliver it is so aggressive/accusatory that it automatically propels me into defensive mode. That's not a productive place to be. And I'm beginning to doubt why I thought this board would be a helpful place for me.

 

As for the inadvertent use of the happy emoticon instead of the sad one..that was new user error. But, based on your tone, I doubt you'd believe that.

 

Sorry to have bothered this board. I'll depart.

 

LOL... I use that emoticon for tears all the time! Not many people get it though.

 

I read through all of your posts. You are in an interesting situation. I'd say part of what you don't realize is what it's like to be dating.

 

You watch stuff like sex and the city and get the impression that its dramatic and fun. It isn't. It's like panning for gold. Tough work, and rarely rewarding. Time consuming, mentally and physically exhausting. Plus what you end up with is a crapshoot.

 

Maybe sit down and take a realistic look at how your H fails you, and how you can get him to do better. Usually when your not "feeling" it, that only lasts until he finds someone else... then it hurts.

[bigmanpayne]

Hi Big Man,

 

Your questions summarize why I am so confused. I went to a therapist about this, and she thought I might resent husband for the infertility. I think she was right on many levels, and her insight led me to the following realizations--the result of which was my falling out of love. Sorry this is so long.

 

this sucks because i dont know what to say to you to get you to see what is going on. my W talks like this and it is frustrating. please remember that nobody is "beating up" on you, i think everyone just sees what you dont and possibly cant. to me you dont know how to deal with your own frustrations, guilt, shame. first of all there is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to the infertility problem. nothing to feel guilty about. sad - maybe. frustrated - of course. i dont think you two are solely together just for a baby, are you? there must be more to the relationship, right if so, then you should draw on that to help you get through this.

 

the problem is yours. you take your feelings of self-worth, frustration, guilt, and you are simply blaming him. thats not fair. i am sure that he is no angel, but i am only talking about you and your side of things. the bad part of this is he cant help you. its not his fault so there is nothing he can do to change how you feel about you. it sucks. you have attached your feelings to him personally. let me guess - when you look at him you feel bad even though he hasn't really done anything right? its honestly just because he knows, he was there, and you love him and dont want to disappoint him.

 

there is nothing he can do. i wouldn't even go to marriage counseling. that probably wont help until you figure out how to deal with the infertility thing on your own. by that i mean i am not sure if you are able to come to grips with yourself, and except and love yourself for who you are, the things God has given you, etc. you guys can talk until you are blue in the face but if you havent accepted what has happened and dedicated yourself to making lemonade out of the lemons life has handed you then you two are doomed. thats it. you have slapped love onto it to hide what is really going on. i would give anything just to have your problem. to have it be up to me to fix my marriage. its a good problem to have. you have to stop lying though. not to him, but to yourself. i hope you dont think i was too harsh.

[Mr. Lucky]

Judging judging is no fun...

 

I could see kernels of truth in your post a.grace, but the manner in which you deliver it is so aggressive/accusatory that it automatically propels me into defensive mode. That's not a productive place to be. And I'm beginning to doubt why I thought this board would be a helpful place for me.

 

As for the inadvertent use of the happy emoticon instead of the sad one..that was new user error. But, based on your tone, I doubt you'd believe that.

 

Sorry to have bothered this board. I'll depart.

So you were interested in every single possible response ... as long as they agreed with everything you said ?

 

That's not how a public forum works. And that's also why it can be a valuable resource. Hope you come back and take advantage of what's offered...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gunny376]

If you do some research into the subject? You will find that your not as crazy as you think? Nor is your DH?

 

Its only been in the last five years that "ground-breaking" research (via MRI's ~ aka "brain-scans" have found SIGNIFICANT differnces between women and men's brains and how they function differently and deal with such things as day-to-day problems, and stress.

 

Hormone fluctuations have a significant effect in all of this as well. They vary from individual to individual? And at different times of their life?

 

You as a woman at age 29? You're just now starting to "peak" probally. Most women (but not all! It varies from individual to individual) do so around age 35. (The "proverbial" biological clock).

 

That is to say? Your body as a woman is telling you that you need to re-produce? Got to! Must!

 

Now that sounds harsh? But that's on a biologicial level. But on a biological level? That's the reason your here on this Earth? To re-produce, pass on your genes, and die ~ so that you don't hoard few and precious resources from your off-spring!

 

On another level? The person that's most responsible for your happiness and content in life ~ is you!

 

Your the one that's in charge of your own personal happiness and contentment!

 

I have no problem with your leaving the DH ~ the trouble is? If you don't learn the hard-earned lessons to be learned? Your destined to suffer through them again with the next guy? And the next, and the next, and the next ~ ad nauseumn?

 

Its in your own personal self interest to hang tough with this guy ~ being as he's a decent guy and to learn the lessons that you need to learn ~ about yourself ~about relationships ~ about marriage ~ about being a couple ~ about so-called "love"

 

You're going to have to learn them sooner or latter? Be it with your first, second, third, or even fourth marriage?

 

Its time to draw a line in the sand with your sword! And declare? From this line? I will not falter! I will "man" this wall! I will defend this "wall" I shall not retret from this "wall"

 

All of us must at some point in our lives? Must quit running for shelter! We must turn and face the enemy! And the enemy? Is OURSELVES!