Money issues... among others

[reservoirdog1]

Hi everybody. I've posted a few times about my present relationship. What we're dealing with right now is a huge issue, and I'm not sure what to do.

 

GF and I moved in together about 4 months ago. We each have two kids from previous marriages. Her kids are with us basically full time, mine 2-3 days each week.

 

I earn a pretty good income (not rich, but high 5 figures). Getting to that stage has been a challenge ever since my marriage ended a little over 4 years ago. For the first 3 years or so, I was sort of clawing my way forward -- I was left with my chunk of marital debt, and though it didn't increase, it didn't decrease either. I was basically just keeping it from going up. About 9 months ago (before we moved in together), I finally reached a stage where my cash inflow exceeded my cash outflow every month, and where I could start paying down the debt and actually saving for the future. I came from a middle class family, but i got married and had kids young and then went back to school, so having a "good" income is a relatively new thing for me, and something I've never really been able to "enjoy".

 

GF has a couple of health issues that could well keep her from ever working full time, and may well keep her from working all that much part time. She has a bunch of debt and is on the cusp of declaring bankruptcy; not because she's a spendthrift but because she had to rack up big bills dealing with her health and fighting her child's father to get him to pay his fair share of support. She's just starting to get back to work, but right now it's one day a week, and it's not clear how much she'll be able to handle.

 

Financially, the last couple of months -- especially the Xmas season -- have been a struggle. We've been existing paycheque to paycheque, with me paying the whole rent and most of the bills.

 

GF has also suffered a relapse of her depression, which was in abeyance for over a year but came back when we moved in together. The reason for the relapse was that she was out of the neighbourhood she's lived in for 10 years and not near her friends and support network (not way far away, mind you, but far enough that she doesn't really see her friends much), and feels isolated, lonely and very dependent on me (which she doesn't want to be). Before we moved in together she was managing to get by, plus she was in the middle of a caring community of familiar faces. This change has dragged her down emotionally, and temporally it traces back to our move-in.

 

We've also had good times since moving in together. We're very physically compatible, I'm very attracted to her and she to me, she's a very warm and loving person, and I do love her. Our kids all get along well together, and each of us with the other's kids. But, we've had a lot of fights (verbal only -- NEVER physical) since we moved in together -- at least one a week, sometimes more.

 

I find I often feel trapped and hopeless about the future. Before moving in together, we looked at our financial situation and figured we could make it work. Then, shortly after the move, her income situation worsened and the struggle began.

 

My ex-wife lives with a wealthy guy 20 years her senior, and makes a decent living in her own right. My daughter is facing some challenges at school, and XW thinks she should be in private school, my share of which would be $500 per month. Which, given the combined financial situation of me and GF, is beyond my/our means.

 

I've not "blamed" my GF for the situation (as in "if it wasn't for having to support you, I'd be able to blah blah blah"), but the fiscal reality is that, if I were on my own, I'd be able to pay my share of my daughter's needs, move forward financially, maybe own a home one day, etc. I'd love to be able to do that with GF, but right now that's not possible. My income will gradually keep going up, but that'll take time. Plus, I feel as though every step forward is met with an equal step backward, because I'm supporting three other people where before it was just me and my kids.

 

And now that I've spent a few paragraphs going on and on about money, I sound like a complete dickhead who doesn't care about his GF because she's cramping his financial life. And I don't think I'm that much of a dickhead, but I can't deny that those thoughts are in my mind. So I guess I'm at least a partial dickhead.

 

Last night GF and I had a talk, the first time we've talked about this issue without a fight. She said that she just wants me to be happy (which, due to all these stresses, I'm not), and that she doesn't want to be the source of stress in my life, and that if I decide that I can't continue in this relationship, she'll be very hurt of course but she'll understand and doesn't want to hold me back in life. But also that I need to figure out what I want. Understandably, her selflessness in the midst of my cruddy thoughts made me feel even worse.

 

I'm seeing a counsellor this afternoon to talk about these issues. It's huge because it's not only us at stake, but our kids.

 

I do have one specific question, to people with kids who have gotten into relationships with other single parents. How the hell do you work things out in a situation where your child needs something special or extra in terms of expense, the child's other parent is well-off, but you and your current partner are just getting by? Do you have to look out for your "own kids" first? WTF do you do?!?!?!

 

Other than that, I'm not sure exactly what I'm seeking in terms of wisdom from fellow LS members, but I just wanted to get this out there. Comments would be appreciated. I already feel like crap over this so please be gentle. Thanks everybody.

Edited February 4, 2008 by reservoirdog1

[hotgurl]

well that is hard. I am the single parent in the relationship and I pap 50% of my household bills and almost 100% of my child's bills. my bf does pick up extras and he does spend more on food.

 

Also I get no support for the father.

 

You situations is quite different. Does your GF get disability and child support she could use to contribute?

 

do you have to pay 1/2 of private school or can can explain your situation to your ex-wife?

 

Also you are not bad to look out for yourself. Things happen relationship ends and it would stink to pout yourself into the hole again.

 

 

you are in a tough place.

[blind_otter]

I never blend my finances with my partner. I don't do it with my SO. We trade off paying the bills - he gets one month, I get the next. Sometimes, though, if money's tight, we'll split a bill 50/50. That way, I'm not responsible for paying for his son.

 

IMO the GF needs to find a way to be self-supporting. She could find freelance work, or work from home, there are always ways of finding extra income. Barring that, she could file for disability.

 

IMO it's important for both parties in a relationship to be self-sufficient, so one person doesn't feel dependent on the other.

[hotgurl]

I never blend my finances with my partner. I don't do it with my SO. We trade off paying the bills - he gets one month, I get the next. Sometimes, though, if money's tight, we'll split a bill 50/50. That way, I'm not responsible for paying for his son.

 

IMO the GF needs to find a way to be self-supporting. She could find freelance work, or work from home, there are always ways of finding extra income. Barring that, she could file for disability.

 

IMO it's important for both parties in a relationship to be self-sufficient, so one person doesn't feel dependent on the other.

 

I agree with this. I feel is really unfair to expect someone to support you (unless it is a joint decision ie stay at home mom)

 

also you are not abad person for not being able to support 3 extra people.

[Enema]

I think you have to actively choose a partner that isn't going to hamper you considering your existing debts / children.

 

In an ideal world, you would be able to date whoever you want and not worry about money... but that's not reality.

 

You need to think about what's best for your life and your kids.

 

You only get one chance at this, there's no point being unhappy and stressed for a good chunk of your life.

[Micke81]

You are not a crappy person for feeling this way. In an ideal world these things don't matter, but we don't get to life in that ideal world.

 

It sounds like you desperately need to talk to a financial counselor.

 

On the other hand, maybe sending your kid to a private school isn't the answer. It's possible there is another solution. Ask your daughter what she thinks, maybe she's got an idea.

[Micke81]

Also, if she is willing to leave you, that must mean that she has some idea of how she would support herself if you weren't around. Is it possible that she could try to incorporate those things without splitting from you?

[Mr. Lucky]

How the hell do you work things out in a situation where your child needs something special or extra in terms of expense, the child's other parent is well-off, but you and your current partner are just getting by? Do you have to look out for your "own kids" first? WTF do you do?!?!?!

As others have said, I think your first allegiance (financial AND otherwise) should be to your own child. When we bring them into the world, it's an ongoing resposibility that one accepts. And it's a reality of divorce that it's more expensive - two households, kids going back and forth, etc.

 

Also, my partner's financial fitness is one of the major areas of compatibility I look for. Does that make me an assistant dickhead ?

 

Mr. Lucky