LUVMYWIFE Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 How long my wife and I have been together and the problems we have faced over the years are really not important here because you would get bored reading. None ever involved another person or physical/drug/alcohol abuse so that narrows it down to step children and other everyday issues. Recently (7 weeks ago) she informed me that she needed to move out on her own and clear her head because the love she once felt for me I had destroyed. I'm giving the short version of the story because of the length. So after long and serious discussion she elected to remain in the house with me as long as I give her space to think and try and figure out how to turher love for me back on or if she even wants to. Then comes and email from a coworker that I have been suspect of fot a couple of years that said "miss you more and more, love you". She explains this to me as the kind of love two kindred spirts share for each other. They are friends and work very closely each day. She swears there has never been any physical contact in any way but they did discuss the possibility if a particular chain of events happened. She said that was a very brief conversation and not been revisited. What do I need to do to win her love for me back? Do i just give her space, not bring this up and just wait and see? Has any one ever been through this? How does she get past the hurt and turn her feelings for me back on? She says she wants to but just doesn't know how. I truly believe there is not third party involvement but I guess it is a possibility. She waited for months to break this to me because she didn't want to disrupt a trip to California for our sons wedding and did't want to ruin christmas so she had time to think this out for several months. Can anyone helps us revive our marriage? I really miss my wife and best friend. I am currently in counseling to resolve my issues that bother her and she has commented on the marked inprovement but is unsure of how long it will last because she has heard it before. It will last forever now that I am clear on these issues. Any advice, comments, experiences? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 There is much more to this OM than she is telling you. Do you two have any kids? If not just divorce her ass and move on with your life because you don't deserve this. If so prepare to fight for your rights in court and at least go for joint custody. Why do you even want a woman like this? Link to post Share on other sites
StillSame Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 as long as I give her space Translation: I need time and space so I can continue seeing this OM and possibly more easy opportunity to sleep with him. She swears there has never been any physical contact in any way Yeah right! Look at my posts, you will see that when I think there is infedelity, there is! Check my posts here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t139748/7 This guy told us he is POSITIVE that his wife is not cheating! See how it turned out. There are TONS of story where the wife/husband said that we are just friends....turn out that they are "friends" who go to motels once in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LUVMYWIFE Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 I know this sounds like the typical adultrist bitch but you would have to know her. I always know her whereabouts (and I have on ocassion verified her location personally), she never attempts to hide anything, her life is truly an open book and she ia a creature of habit. Knowing all these things and that our family has always been the most important thing to her it is hard for me to convince myself that she is lying. She is drop dead gorgous and he is a short chubby dude so that alone they don't even look the part. I really feel that I have hurt her and she just has someone to talk to with this OM. You see, her an I have always been at each others side and we do not have friends because of our family and work we just don't have time. What time we have we spend it together traveling, motorcycling, skiing, whatever. I'm looking for how to help her turn those feelings back on for me, the ones I crushed. I'm part of this problem and I'm aware of this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 She is drop dead gorgous and he is a short chubby dude so that alone they don't even look the part. But she is getting something out of it. Whether it's physical or just emotional, he is meeting a need of hers that you can't. *I'm not saying that any of this is your fault, it's hers for not speaking up* Another thing is, it's about HER. Somehow he has more than likely stirred up some feelings in her that she hasn't felt in a long time. Crush-like feelings..She's emotionally attached to him and in a fog which is preventing her from thinking clearly. You may be part of the problem IN the marriage, but she has chosen to handle it by cheating, going outside of the marriage. THAT is not your fault. THAT is HER fault and her choice...She's wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 My ex slept with a man that stunk so bad I had to air the bedroom after I caught the two of them together so his looks have nothing to do with it. All signs are pointing to her cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LUVMYWIFE Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 You are right that she should have spoken up and she did but not in a way that I heard. When someone says to me (and I think most men) that, "I'm not going to live my life that way" I heard "bla,blah,blahh" but had she said "if you don't stop that I am going to leave you" she would have had my undevided attention. I even expressed this means of communication to her a very long time ago. All I know is I love her and want her back as my loving wife but the truth is I'm already getting tired of waiting to see how this will shake out and part of me wants to tell her to just go. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 You are right that she should have spoken up and she did but not in a way that I heard. When someone says to me (and I think most men) that, "I'm not going to live my life that way" I heard "bla,blah,blahh" but had she said "if you don't stop that I am going to leave you" she would have had my undevided attention. I even expressed this means of communication to her a very long time ago. All I know is I love her and want her back as my loving wife but the truth is I'm already getting tired of waiting to see how this will shake out and part of me wants to tell her to just go. If you want to win her back... you cannot be afraid to lose her. Those emotions that she is putting on this short chubby guy belong to you! You need to fight to get them back! So... How do you plan to accomplish this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LUVMYWIFE Posted February 6, 2008 Author Share Posted February 6, 2008 Right now, after all the talking things through she has decided to stay here with me and see if she can find a way to turn the feelings for me back on. This has been my question all along, has anyone been through this and if so do you have any recommendations on how to turn on lost feelings. I understand I cannot MAKE her love me but she even says that her feelings for me are there just not like they once were. She also says often that she wishes she knew how to have those feelings again but does not know how to do that. I think she could possibly benefit by going to a counselor but she says not until she knows what to say to them. Bottom line is right now and since this has started, she comes home from work each day, we go to the gym together, we have dinner together and we sleep together. We just do not have much intimate contact. We still have a hug and kiss here and there and I can tell that it seems almost awkward for both of us but I am trying very hard and I feel as though she is just watching me to see how I handle different things. There has been no ugly fighting or anything like that just distance. I did call the OM and told him of the email I ran across and calmy asked that he remove himself from this equation, at least until it was solved and I asked him from one man to another. He was very quiet and understanding of my request. My wife still says that there was really nothing to remove because there was no relationship just a kindered spirit friendship by two people that have many of the same hurts. Eventually something will have to give and then I guess that will be the direction I and/or we MUST follow. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 LUVMYWIFE - I am sorry to say, but it is very difficult for a woman to fall back in love once it is lost. Not saying that it can't be done, but it is very difficult. My understanding: Women during the relationship will try everything in their power to keep/maintain or improve the relationship. We feel the slip right away and desperately try to repair any damage. We will do this for months/years whatever it takes. Then, one day, we get an epiphany, "WTF am I doing? I have done everything in my power to make this work and I get nothing from it." After that, someone comes by, shows us attention/affection/adoration and appreciation and we are emotionally out the door. My understanding : Men, once faced with this "I'm not in love with you anymore and I want to leave you" freak out and do everything in their power to reconcile. But 95% of the time, it's too late. Woman, IMHO, want the work during the relationship not after they have removed themselves from it. Also, remember: desperation is the world's worst cologne. Don't look like a fool because you are afraid of losing her. Accept that you may and handle the situation with dignity. No woman likes a man that grovels, begs, cries all the time and wishes things could be different. In her mind, you could have been there during the marriage when she wanted you to be, and you weren't. Don't start now. Start mending your life with the expectancy of being without, but the hope that things can work out. I hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Sounds like she is confused because she is having an EA with him and has not moved to the PA yet. Sounds like she has feelings for him and really wants to leave and try him out so to speak and see what she wants. Trust me, most of the LS have been in these situations and KNOW the signs, there is MORE to this friend and he is your problem. As long as she is contact with him, you cannot win her back. You have to confront this head on, if she is innocent you will know by her reactions. You see, she thinks you believe her now and will continue until you find out more or she decides WHO she wants. It is a terrible place to be in, been there done that ! You feel like you are second choice an that is the worst part.....as long as she feels something for him, you will get NO WHERE real fast ! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 I would open up the door and let her out. If this is what she wants give it to her and work on making yourself happy without her. Why do men tear ourselves up when women pull this kind of thing? Why do you even want a woman that would treat you in this manner? Link to post Share on other sites
HilaryQ Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 LUVMYWIFE - I know long relationships have many ups and downs, but do you think the relationship had gone a bit stale ? Perhaps you had got used to spending nights in and not going out. It sounds from your post that you really don't want to give up on this relationship yet, and your wife is living with you so you still have a chance. Have you tried doing the things you did when you first met. A night at the pictures, going out for dinner with friends, a smile across the table even? Nothing too heavy - a weekend break or a huge bunch of roses might be too much pressure, but just a few things now and then to break the routine. I feel so sorry for you - your pain is clear and you want to get it right so badly. I really hope you can work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LUVMYWIFE Posted February 7, 2008 Author Share Posted February 7, 2008 I have tried all the things you mentioned and always worked very hard to try to prevent our relationship from going stale. Like I said in a previous post we were and still are always doing something together. This bomb she dropped on me on Jan 5th was striaght out of left field. I nor anyone else saw it coming. I hab a buddy over yesterday helping me with some things on my motorcycle and when my wife came home he said if he dodn't know what was going on he would still not know a single thing was wrong. I received an email from her today that said "Believe it or not I do think about you during the day here at work and I am trying to work things out in my heart and my head and I thank you for your patience". All I know to do is honor her request of space and time right now and wait and see. I want her, I love her and would and will do anything for her and this is a simple request so why not honor it. Like I said, she still comes home each and every day after work and she is not out the door running around and doing who knows what so this is just where I am stuck for the time being I guess. Yes, it would be nice to know something but I want the truth and if that is to be obtained by waiting until she is SURE of what she wants then what else should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LUVMYWIFE Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 Much has happened since my last post and I felt the need to update all who answered my cry for help. My wife is at home and plans to stay here. We both realize how much is at stake and most of all how much each of us mean to the other. Our problems are not lite but they are not beyond repair either and we are going to repair what is broken because it is the "right thing to do". I love her with all my heart and she loves me and we WILL get through this and achieve our goals and one of them is a happily-ever-after. So, for all who responded I thank you for listening and I hope you all have a "happily-ever-after" with someone you love. Thank you all and God Bless!!! Link to post Share on other sites
HilaryQ Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 Much has happened since my last post and I felt the need to update all who answered my cry for help. My wife is at home and plans to stay here. We both realize how much is at stake and most of all how much each of us mean to the other. Our problems are not lite but they are not beyond repair either and we are going to repair what is broken because it is the "right thing to do". I love her with all my heart and she loves me and we WILL get through this and achieve our goals and one of them is a happily-ever-after. So, for all who responded I thank you for listening and I hope you all have a "happily-ever-after" with someone you love. Thank you all and God Bless!!! Glad to hear your good news. Don't always get a lot of good news on LS. Wishing you both the best of luck, and let us know how you get on. Hilary Link to post Share on other sites
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