Here Goes

[MakeItCount]

My fiance and I have been together for a few years now. We have five children all together (yes, 5), two of whom are our mutual children. Two are mine from a previous marriage, one is his.

 

I found out a few months ago that he has a porn addiction. He lied to me about it for two years. He also did and said some things that disrespected me and our relationship (prowling Myspace, inappropriate remarks to ex-girlfriends). He has recently admitted that, while he thought he loved me then, he now realizes that was not the case.

 

Not exactly what any woman wants to hear from the man she loves.

 

My problem is, now he insists that he truly recognizes his feelings for me as love. He has demonstrated a willingness to stop all the behaviors that hurt me. Many days it feels like, "too little, too late".

 

Our sex life has always been good, except for my growing awareness of his myriad fetishes...some of which I was not at all interested in.

 

I'd love feedback, but I am not interested in the people here who claim that porn, etc. is "normal, healthy" or that I am being controlling by disliking those behaviors. I am very much a committed, monogamous person. I desire the same in a life partner.

 

Positive feedback would be great.

[Geishawhelk]

I am very much a committed, monogamous person. I desire the same in a life partner.

 

 

First of all, let me congratulate you on such a clear, succinct and 'neutral' post. I commend your courage, and the fact that you are facing this head on.

That said, I feel your anger, sense of betrayal, hurt and distress, at this betrayal, is palpable, and that you are seeking a clear way to view this mess and enigma.

 

The reason I singled out the above from your post is because, we cannot by rights and as a pre-requisite privilege, expect others to always do what we want or do as we say....and it comes as a shock to find that we differ so much from our partners, in ways we thought we were completely compatible.

 

The question is not so much what you desire, as the injured party.

This is clear, has never changed and seems as solid as it ever was.

No.

The question is, what does he desire?

I'm not suggesting for one minute you should defer to his needs and requirements - that's not what I mean.

The thing is,

Is he puzzled in any way as to why exactly he felt this need, how it arose, when it first manifested, what triggered it and why he has felt unable to confide in you before now?

 

You say you 'found out' but you haven't explained how....

 

The frank thing is, that any addiction is a craving to fill a hole in one's life that we find ourselves incapable of facing and coming to terms with. An addiction masks a much deeper psychological lack.

It would obviously be far to complex and convoluted to explore in detail here.

 

Incidentally, Porn, is quite healthy and natural - providing it is consented to in full by both willing partners, and enjoyed in the same way. Any form of sexual behaviour is acceptable, providing it does nothing to damage the dignity, willpower or equal standing of the other person. If it does, then it becomes unhealthy and destructive. What is sexually arousing and fun to one couple, may appear depraved and unnatural to another. And that's fine. Each to their own. As long as both are absolutely 100% ok with it.

What is abundantly clear is that you are NOT ok with this. And that is absolutely right for you.

 

Whilst I fully comprehend your indignation and aversion to this issue, please understand that there is a whole lot more to this than meets he eye.

I think your husband has far greater issues surfacing, than his behaviour seems to at first glance, expose.

my opinion is that you should both agree to professional counselling. But don't lump for the first one you find. You both need help in resolving this - and he needs to start being willing to 'peel back the layers'.

I know you are very angry about this, but he might just (in the most inappropriate way possible!) be crying out for your help. And he is unconsciously using a means that will hit you hard - but hit home.

 

All the very best to both of you.

Edited February 5, 2008 by Geishawhelk

[Anna Comnena]

My fiance and I have been together for a few years now. We have five children all together (yes, 5), two of whom are our mutual children. Two are mine from a previous marriage, one is his.

 

I found out a few months ago that he has a porn addiction. He lied to me about it for two years. He also did and said some things that disrespected me and our relationship (prowling Myspace, inappropriate remarks to ex-girlfriends). He has recently admitted that, while he thought he loved me then, he now realizes that was not the case.

 

Not exactly what any woman wants to hear from the man she loves.

 

My problem is, now he insists that he truly recognizes his feelings for me as love. He has demonstrated a willingness to stop all the behaviors that hurt me. Many days it feels like, "too little, too late".

 

Our sex life has always been good, except for my growing awareness of his myriad fetishes...some of which I was not at all interested in.

 

I'd love feedback, but I am not interested in the people here who claim that porn, etc. is "normal, healthy" or that I am being controlling by disliking those behaviors. I am very much a committed, monogamous person. I desire the same in a life partner.

 

Positive feedback would be great.

 

First Off, Forgive me, I'm always direct and blunt, It's nothing personal.

 

Why have you made (2) kids with a man who doesn't respect you enough to call you his wife or to refrain from prawling for attenion via the net from other women?

 

What exactly were you thinking when you decided to make 2 kids with him without having a marraige commentment?

 

Are you really engaged, with a ring or a date? If so, how long?

 

2 kids later...Isn't it a little late to disapprove of his poor behavior and utter lack of character???

 

Have all your relationships been like this??? Why are attracted to this type of guy?? If you left him, could you see your self replaying this senario with a guy just like him?

 

Do you not see this type of guy isn't the type a healthy person would marry or make kids with?

 

Do your realize you're diverting more serious problems and blaming it on Porn? Maybe you feel insecure, rightfully so.. considering you have 2 kids with this man and he hasn't respected you enough to make you his wife?

 

Porn rarely is the problem. Most women date healthy, responsible, and respectful men and FREAK because their into a little porn, which in my opinion is obnixious. Please read through my many previously posted posts regarding porn.. but I'm telling you, that's not your problem.

 

If these questions seem surprizing to you, please take the time to read the book "10 Stupid things women do to mess up their lives".

[SunnySideUp]

Does he have a porn addiction or use porn regularly. I don't think the two are the same.

[MakeItCount]

Most of your questions assume that I knew about his behavior. I did not, until recently. He hid it very well.

 

Yes, there's a ring. The date at this point is moot, as my inclination is not to make this union a legally binding one. You're also assuming that being married is a must for me. In fact, marriage is not terribly important to me. Honesty and fidelity are. Being married does not denote any greater degree of monogamy or connectedness to me than a more legally casual relationship.

 

After two kids, is it too late to disapprove? Not when this is the first that I have seen of this behavior. And no, at any rate, children are not going to influence my decision to stay or leave - they will be happiest when their father and I are happiest. Which may be while we're apart.

 

In general, he is a good man. He provides for us, he is attentive and caring. He is affectionate, intelligent and unselfish in many ways. For him, pornography and sex is a problem. A pretty big one. Yes, there are other issues. I won't sweep the behavior under the rug just because it may be caused by underlying issues - every behavior is.

 

My ex-husband had none of these issues. He was very respectful of me, sexually. Do I see myself repeating such a relationship? It's not something that I particularly aspire to.

 

Thx for the comment.

 

 

 

First Off, Forgive me, I'm always direct and blunt, It's nothing personal.

 

Why have you made (2) kids with a man who doesn't respect you enough to call you his wife or to refrain from prawling for attenion via the net from other women?

 

What exactly were you thinking when you decided to make 2 kids with him without having a marraige commentment?

 

Are you really engaged, with a ring or a date? If so, how long?

 

2 kids later...Isn't it a little late to disapprove of his poor behavior and utter lack of character???

 

Have all your relationships been like this??? Why are attracted to this type of guy?? If you left him, could you see your self replaying this senario with a guy just like him?

 

Do you not see this type of guy isn't the type a healthy person would marry or make kids with?

 

Do your realize you're diverting more serious problems and blaming it on Porn? Maybe you feel insecure, rightfully so.. considering you have 2 kids with this man and he hasn't respected you enough to make you his wife?

 

Porn rarely is the problem. Most women date healthy, responsible, and respectful men and FREAK because their into a little porn, which in my opinion is obnixious. Please read through my many previously posted posts regarding porn.. but I'm telling you, that's not your problem.

 

If these questions seem surprizing to you, please take the time to read the book "10 Stupid things women do to mess up their lives".

[MakeItCount]

He did not stop using when I asked him to. At times he wanted to stop, and was unable to. Porn and mb became his top priority. He lied about it, covered his tracks. It escalated to things that even he was uncomfortable with. All the behaviors that are universally recognized in addiction.

 

 

 

Does he have a porn addiction or use porn regularly. I don't think the two are the same.

[MakeItCount]

You pose some difficult questions. He doesn't seem to have a clear understanding of the motivation behind the behavior. He also doesn't seem to be willing to make the effort to fully understand why he did what he did. I can't do that for him, so I try to focus on what I am going to do about it.

 

Our computer told a very tawdry tale when he left it running one day - that's how I found out.

 

Counseling is in the works, and I hope to hell that eventually we can find a safe place to work this out. If it can be worked out, that is.

 

Thank you for your input.

 

 

 

First of all, let me congratulate you on such a clear, succinct and 'neutral' post. I commend your courage, and the fact that you are facing this head on.

That said, I feel your anger, sense of betrayal, hurt and distress, at this betrayal, is palpable, and that you are seeking a clear way to view this mess and enigma.

 

The reason I singled out the above from your post is because, we cannot by rights and as a pre-requisite privilege, expect others to always do what we want or do as we say....and it comes as a shock to find that we differ so much from our partners, in ways we thought we were completely compatible.

 

The question is not so much what you desire, as the injured party.

This is clear, has never changed and seems as solid as it ever was.

No.

The question is, what does he desire?

I'm not suggesting for one minute you should defer to his needs and requirements - that's not what I mean.

The thing is,

Is he puzzled in any way as to why exactly he felt this need, how it arose, when it first manifested, what triggered it and why he has felt unable to confide in you before now?

 

You say you 'found out' but you haven't explained how....

 

The frank thing is, that any addiction is a craving to fill a hole in one's life that we find ourselves incapable of facing and coming to terms with. An addiction masks a much deeper psychological lack.

It would obviously be far to complex and convoluted to explore in detail here.

 

Incidentally, Porn, is quite healthy and natural - providing it is consented to in full by both willing partners, and enjoyed in the same way. Any form of sexual behaviour is acceptable, providing it does nothing to damage the dignity, willpower or equal standing of the other person. If it does, then it becomes unhealthy and destructive. What is sexually arousing and fun to one couple, may appear depraved and unnatural to another. And that's fine. Each to their own. As long as both are absolutely 100% ok with it.

What is abundantly clear is that you are NOT ok with this. And that is absolutely right for you.

 

Whilst I fully comprehend your indignation and aversion to this issue, please understand that there is a whole lot more to this than meets he eye.

I think your husband has far greater issues surfacing, than his behaviour seems to at first glance, expose.

my opinion is that you should both agree to professional counselling. But don't lump for the first one you find. You both need help in resolving this - and he needs to start being willing to 'peel back the layers'.

I know you are very angry about this, but he might just (in the most inappropriate way possible!) be crying out for your help. And he is unconsciously using a means that will hit you hard - but hit home.

 

All the very best to both of you.

[blind_otter]

Well addiction is a sticky issue. IME with addiction (although mine is more along the lines of substance abuse) -- it's like your addicted partner is cheating on you. Not with another person, but with their drug of choice (in this case, porn). HAve you presented your concerns to your H framing it in terms of addiction? There's a lot of info out there about porn addiction, so you can do research and have printouts ready for his purusal if he objects.

 

Check this out for more info:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography_addiction

 

It is important that he truely understand how damaging addiction can be.

[sally4sara]

Hiding the porn stuff, while not cool, is probably something he was motivated to do because you think of it as him cheating.

I know you don't want to hear anything to the contrary, but one cannot cheat with their eyes. I'm not trying to say that porn viewing cannot ever become a problem, just that by your standards, you are REALLY going to have a problem finding a guy who won't cheat. If it wasn't typical for people (especially men) to look at porn once and a while, it wouldn't be the multi million dollar industry that it is.

Now you have every right to set your own standards for choosing a partner just as he does. I don't know how long you've know him for, but you say you've been together for 4 years and some and now share two children biologically. It is a little late in the game to call out your standards for the kind of mate you wish to have when you didn't take the time to make sure he fit your criteria before creating children with him. At this point, you need to sort out what is and isn't a porn addiction, where he fits within that, and then decide if it's worth breaking up your unit over it. Is he a good partner otherwise? I know his confession about how he perhaps didn't really love you at first but absolutely does now probably stung, but not everyone is a poet. If the first part of his confession stung, why does the second half of it not make you happy. It just sounds a bit like you're only trying to focus on the negative and ignoring the positive here. After all, he DID tell you he knows he really does love you.

[Geishawhelk]

You pose some difficult questions. He doesn't seem to have a clear understanding of the motivation behind the behavior. He also doesn't seem to be willing to make the effort to fully understand why he did what he did. I can't do that for him, so I try to focus on what I am going to do about it.

 

I'm not going to insult your intelligence. You know full well that no amount of counselling will put things back the way they were. But it can bring a new, deeper understanding and focus, and perhaps give resolution to the commitment you have for one another.

 

I can understand his inability to understand his own motives. I think that even he doesn't fully know the whys or wherefores. If he did, it wouldn't have come to this. What concerns me is that he seems reluctant to explore matters.

Is he therefore willing to risk everything by not facing the issues this has brought up?

You need to establish just how far he is willing to go to meet you in this, and get to the bottom of things.

If he is even remotely less committed than you are - perhaps you really do need to review your own situation.

As you rightly point out, you can't do this for him.

Drastic as it may seem, your priority is you.

 

Forgive me for not bringing the children into the equasion. whilst their well-being is paramount, there's no point in even thinking about them, unless their parents are stable, on an even keel and firing on all cylinders.

You can't do that with this issue hanging over you, so effectively, the children are being cheated of something vital to them. And I do not Judge, criticise or condemn when I say that. I'm stating a fact.

 

If he seems reluctant or unwilling to find a way through this (because as you will know, this is not going to go away on its own, and will take time and dedication) then you have to ask yourself what intrinsic and lasting value he places upon you.

Ask him.

Put him on the spot.

I fel it may help if he squirmed a bit, even if only to hammer home just how destructive his addiction has been.

And I don't think he fully realises the consequences of his actions.

[MakeItCount]

Cheating, like everything else, is in the eye of the beholder. Yes, in my situation I consider it to be cheating. At the very least, his disregard of my feelings indicates a profound lack of respect for me. A lot of people act like porn is not only a right, but necessary. It is neither. It's just a nasty habit, IMO. I do have the right to choose at any time to make my standards apparent. In actuality, I did so right after we met. He just chose to hide his actions and lie about his thoughts and behavior. I'm not a prude - I am very open sexually with my partner. I love intimacy (with actual people, not computer screens). I don't believe that lusting after and fantasizing about other people should play a part in a healthy, loving relationship. If he gets tired of me, it's time for both of us to move on. Period.

 

As for the cliched, "every guy does it", that's bull. Even if it were true, I'd be much happier alone than participating that particular form of degradation and disrespect. You're right, it's a multi-million dollar industry. Industrial sex. Mass-marketed masturbation. Orgasm On Sale!!!

 

Not too appealing to me. LOL @ the dumbasses who pay for fake sex when they have the real thing waiting in bed...

 

 

 

Hiding the porn stuff, while not cool, is probably something he was motivated to do because you think of it as him cheating.

I know you don't want to hear anything to the contrary, but one cannot cheat with their eyes. I'm not trying to say that porn viewing cannot ever become a problem, just that by your standards, you are REALLY going to have a problem finding a guy who won't cheat. If it wasn't typical for people (especially men) to look at porn once and a while, it wouldn't be the multi million dollar industry that it is.

Now you have every right to set your own standards for choosing a partner just as he does. I don't know how long you've know him for, but you say you've been together for 4 years and some and now share two children biologically. It is a little late in the game to call out your standards for the kind of mate you wish to have when you didn't take the time to make sure he fit your criteria before creating children with him. At this point, you need to sort out what is and isn't a porn addiction, where he fits within that, and then decide if it's worth breaking up your unit over it. Is he a good partner otherwise? I know his confession about how he perhaps didn't really love you at first but absolutely does now probably stung, but not everyone is a poet. If the first part of his confession stung, why does the second half of it not make you happy. It just sounds a bit like you're only trying to focus on the negative and ignoring the positive here. After all, he DID tell you he knows he really does love you.

[SunnySideUp]

MakeItCount

 

Any updates?

 

Lots of people associate masturbation with visual stimulation, which many times nowadays is pornography. Some people only masturbate with visual aides. Do you think it would be right to ask your husband to stop masturbating?

[Arch]

He watches porn because apparently hes too afraid to express his sexual "fetishes" to you, you have already said you weren't interested in participating in any of them, so he gets his sexual gratification from porn.

[MakeItCount]

Well, when he admits that masturbation is a problem for him, then yes, I think stopping is a good thing.

 

 

 

 

 

MakeItCount

 

Any updates?

 

Lots of people associate masturbation with visual stimulation, which many times nowadays is pornography. Some people only masturbate with visual aides. Do you think it would be right to ask your husband to stop masturbating?

[MakeItCount]

Hahahahahahahaha!

 

Whew! Thanks for the laugh, Arch. You are a prince among men, no doubt.

 

I posted that there were some of them that I had no interest in. I have indulged many of them, to our (sometimes) mutual satisfaction. If he's "afraid" of the big, bad girlfriend, he is welcome to move on.

 

I love the posts from guys like Arch. He's a great example of the "pornosaurus rex" species. In actuality, the only thing porn provides is a reprieve from having to behave like a civilized human being (i.e., dealing with the feelings of other human beings). Not so much sexual gratification as a topical anesthetic for those ever-so-painful FEELINGS we keep having.

 

 

He watches porn because apparently hes too afraid to express his sexual "fetishes" to you, you have already said you weren't interested in participating in any of them, so he gets his sexual gratification from porn.

[whichwayisup]

Is he willing to seek some counselling to help him stop?

[norajane]

In actuality, the only thing porn provides is a reprieve from having to behave like a civilized human being (i.e., dealing with the feelings of other human beings).

 

Well, yes. That's what makes it so appealing to people. They can indulge their inner caveman without judgment. Dark erotic fantasies are erotic to people, whether civilized society wants to admit it or not.

[Arch]

Hahahahahahahaha!

 

Whew! Thanks for the laugh, Arch. You are a prince among men, no doubt.

 

I posted that there were some of them that I had no interest in. I have indulged many of them, to our (sometimes) mutual satisfaction. If he's "afraid" of the big, bad girlfriend, he is welcome to move on.

 

I love the posts from guys like Arch. He's a great example of the "pornosaurus rex" species. In actuality, the only thing porn provides is a reprieve from having to behave like a civilized human being (i.e., dealing with the feelings of other human beings). Not so much sexual gratification as a topical anesthetic for those ever-so-painful FEELINGS we keep having.

 

lulz @ pornosaurus rex,

 

What I stated is true, come on why would someone choose a picture over the real deal? the only reason is the picture offers something the real deal does not.