Wife of 17 years wants out

[hatman]

Wow, this has been a long road so I'll try to just do the highlights.

I have been married for almost 17 years to a lovely woman, who I love very much. She comes from a broken family (her father left with her best friends mom when she was 12), I come from a set of parents who were committed for life.

We have had our share of differences over the years but nothing really devastating. We spend a lot of time together, have always traveled well together, had loads of good times, raised 2 great boys (a 21 year old, and a 14 year old) and generally have the same values. I am 45 and my wife will be 50 next month.

We went to counseling when she was pregnant with our youngest, I had problems showing her enough affection, and she wasn't happy.

I worked on this and became more affectionate.

Fast forward to about 3 years ago, she started acting distant, telling me nothings wrong (always a bad sign) and finally said that she wasn't happy, and wanted to move out. We went to see a LCSW and worked on our relationship, and ourselves, and everything seemed to work out.

She said that she didn't know what she was thinking at the time, and told me that I was a wonderful husband, and father.

Fast forward again, same story, she's not sure who she is, and wants to move out to find herself. She wants me to keep the house (probably financially impossible) and her to get her own place, with our 14 year old living with me, and the dog.

I really do love her and will do anything to make this work, and she knows this. She seems to be giving up. She moved into our spare bedroom before thanksgiving, and has spent maybe 2 nights in the same bed as me. Sex has been sparse, and it has been a month since the last time. I am trying to give her as much space as possible, not ignoring her and not being hostile or whiny. She flip flops between " I need to move out to figure things out" and " I have doubts about leaving such a wonderful man".

She is seeing a psychologist once a week, and I am basically holding on to my last pieces of sanity. Sleeping alone sucks, she doesn't seem to mind it. I don't want to force her into anything, but I am getting to a point where I think this is very bad for me mentally. I would like her to stay because she wants to, not because she feels she has to. I'm so confused about this whole thing, and I really need a break.

 

p.s. she has been skipping periods, and is probably pre-menopausal

[Nomad1]

Two things sprang to mind when I read your story. Either she is having an affair or MLC (Mid-Life Crisis).

 

I would not push or put her under any pressure, but firmly tell her: 'I love you and want to be with you, but if you want to go and live on your own to figure things out, I will support you'. I would leave it at that and would only discuss the subject with her if she raises it again.

 

It sounds like she is under some sort of pressure. She is trying to resolve a dilemma. Staying with you or moving out?

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[cj1988]

Same things popped in my mind as well. I am 41 and have some symptoms or early menopasue and I can tell you it is a bitch as far as my emotions are involved. She may be having an affair, have you checked all that out? A lot of bi-polar people do off the wall things like that ! I have a lot of friends that way !

[quankanne]

first thought: Depression related to change of life/hormone depletion

second thought: affair

 

have you two discussed marital counselling to open up the line of communication?

[StillSame]

first thought: Depression related to change of life/hormone depletion

second thought: affair

 

have you two discussed marital counselling to open up the line of communication?

 

 

I would say, that your first thought is probably correct as well as your second thought. I think your first thought caused the second thought.

 

To the original poster, do you know where she is 24/7? Have you check her cell phone records? Do you have access to her email accounts?

 

Who are her friends? When she goes out with her friends, was she really out with her friends? Any male co-worker that you're suspicious about? If it's a work place affair, it's harder to catch since the affair/activities took place during work hours such as lunch or before work or right after work.

[Mr. Lucky]

She wants me to keep the house (probably financially impossible) and her to get her own place, with our 14 year old living with me, and the dog.

Is she any more specific about her plans than this? She may be going through the "Is that all there is?" stage that strikes some people hard midway through life. If that's the case, hormone, thyroid or anti-depressants won't fix it.

 

I think nomad1 gave you good advice. If she wants, let her go (can't really stop her anyway, right ?). At that point, it might be easier for you to make a decision to wait it out or move on. Sorry, sounds like tough situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hatman]

Since this has been an ongoing semi-repetitive pattern, I hope that I can rule out infidelity. She has sworn to me that this is not the case, and I can rule that out with 95% certainty.(never say never)

As far as a mid-life crisis, that has been my instinct all along, she was at the Gyno's office when this started a few years ago and she said something just snapped inside, and she stared feeling this way.Hmmmmm

She has yo-yo'd back and forth between needing her space, and apologizing for ever doubting that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I think that she has major self-esteem issues (don't we all) and it seems that when I make an effort to get myself in shape and do more for myself that she comes around back to me. Do I want to spend my life with someone like her? Yes, I think that you can always find a greener pasture until you run out of grass and step in some *****. She is my wife, the mother of my children, my best friend, my lover, and the greatest travel companion I have ever had. I think it's worth the effort, I just hope she feels that it's worth her effort also.

[hatman]

Update:

My wife came upstairs (to our bedroom where I am sleeping) and snuggled up to me and kissed my back. Later that day she called me at work and asked me to go out with her Friday night to an art opening. We have plans for Saturday to attend a party together. And I'm throwing her a 50th birthday party (that she helped plan) on March 1st. I am giving her lots of space, treating her nicely, not giving her pressure, and generally trying to stay happy.

I have started working out again (while she's at work) she may not know about it, I am eating better, and I'm trying to get to see a psychologist to help me deal. I'm hoping that she may come around when she notices the changes I'm making to myself, I'm also trying to spend some time with some friends going out having a couple beers (no heavy drinking!) My doctor put me on Celexa and Klonapin for stress and sleep (I'm having lots of the first and little of the second) and I really do hope that we can work this out and make the relationship better and stronger. Keep your fingers crossed for me and send me out some positive waves, boy do I ever need them right now. It hasn't hepled that the weather has been crappy and we can't go out on our motorcycles (we both ride bikes) I'm hoping that when the weather breaks we can plan a little bike getaway, either both of us, or just me to get some space myself. I did a 5 day trip to Tennesee in 05, and when I came back she was a different person towards me ( in a positive way).