Where's is going, does it need to go anywhere?

[strangefruit]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 months. In that time we've become each other's confidante, lover, friend, moral support etc. Not to say that we don't have meaningful relationships with friends and family aswell. My past relationships have always been based on compulsion and need and expecting the other person to be everything to me and this relationship has made me realise just how awful my past relationships were. It also means that I really think that I have found someone I want to spend a long time with for the right reasons at last. He's demonstrative, available, understanding, helpful, caring and everything I would want for in a boyfriend. I find him attractive mentally and physically; and I know he feels the same. He's the person who's always there for me at the moment, just as I am for him.

 

I don't want a proposal of marriage or promises of undying love - I couldn't give either of those things myself at this stage - but I turn 30 in a couple of months, I want a life partner and children eventually and I do want to be in a relationship which has the potential over time to move in that direction.

 

But, and this is the rub, while he says he sees all the good things in our relationship in the same way as me, loves me and wants/needs me in his life. He doesn't think he's in love with me and doesn't dream of a future together in the same way that I do. He doesn't say it will never happen, but that right now he can't promise anything and doesn't think it would be right to plan anything on that basis. While I appreciate his honesty and can see the reason in what he says, this upsets me and makes me wonder where the relationship is going and whether I'm compromising myself by accepting the upset and, if I continue long term, the things that I want from life.

 

We both at a very difficult stage in our lives - I'm moving town and leaving my job to try new things (luckily I can afford to do this financially); he's recently moved town, has serious financial worries, no stable income and is understandably depressed. These factors obviously influence the way each of us feels about each other and about ourselves.

 

He's told me that he's felt in love in the past; would have done anything for these people even when the relationship was not good for him and planned to spend the rest of his life with them. I know that I've felt in love in the past and done exactly the same. I know what he means when he says he doesn't feel the same way about our relationship but I think this is because what I thought was 'in love' was actually a combination of challenge and fear mixed in with a lot of compulsion and low self-esteem. At the moment we make each other happy, we enjoy the time we spend together and take good care of each other but my concerns about my place in his life are becoming a real issue.

 

Right now I don't know whether I'm making a mountain out of a molehill - it's good why push it - or whether I'm fooling myself that, given time, things could work out for us. Is it going anywhere? Does it need to? Should I just accept that the present is good and leave the future to work itself out? He's in a difficult place now and probably doesn't feel he's got much to offer; is he concerned that I'll abandon him at a later stage? Or, do I need to listen to what he's saying, be brave and walk away? Accept that this is a great friendship but that's all?

[EnigmaXOXO]

It’s not unusual so early on in a relationship for one partner to feel more “in love” than the other. In time, things usually level out…or even shift in the other direction. I think your boyfriend really cares about you but perhaps has built some walls around his heart to protect himself from repeating past mistakes. It’s one thing to trust someone with all you secretes and make them your “confidant”…but it’s a more difficult task to “trust” that someone will not eventually break your heart. Especially for “burn victims”…or those who have been hurt many times before in the past.

 

I think as long as you are enjoying your time with him, one day at a time might be the best way to proceed. Unless, of course, you are working on a biological time clock and are dead-set about getting married and having a family before you reach a certain age.

 

I never like to define the relationships I’m in with one eye on the stop watch. To me, there is no such thing as “wasting my time.” Even if the relationship fizzles out, I consider it “time well spent.” After all, it takes time to really get to know someone. And if it ends badly, I always manage to take from it a valuable lesson which will help me build more solid relationships in the future…Or at least give me some idea of what I don’t want.

 

To say that we are “wasting our time” is the same as assuming if we weren’t with this person, we could be with someone better. And sometimes, that just isn’t true! Now, if you are so completely unhappy and miserable that you can honestly say to yourself, “I would rather be ALONE for the rest of my life than spend another minute in this relationship”…Well, that’s a completely different issue all together!

 

QUOTE: If you have to force a man to fit into your plan, then maybe he really isn’t your man.

[Tony T]

Five months of dating is not enough time for many rational people to decide on a life partner. At least he is able to consider his important moves despite the financial and other stressors in his life.

 

I think it is unreasonable for you to expect others to move emotionally at the same pace as you. Each person has their own speed. And love is more about timing that anything. You can gamble that he will be ready sometime in the near future...or you can move on and find another honey. It's your life.

[strangefruit]

Thank you so much for pointing out what should have been obvious to me.

 

I want this to be different yet I'm behaving in the same old way. A huge part of the problem here is me and my fear of ending up alone. Think I got a bit confused about what I wanted - I'm his girlfriend and his friend and I'm ever so happy I met him, that's more than enough to be going on with.

 

It's hard to backtrack and to try to explain why I've had us both in tears and awake since Sunday but I'm trying... I hope I haven't ruined everything but we'll just have to wait and see. If there's as much between us as I'd like to think there is then things will be OK, if there's not then maybe it's not supposed to be but I will definitely have learned something.

 

I know I'm not wasting my time getting to know him better - wherever that leads.

 

To one day at a time and enjoying it... Cheers )