antidepressants and breaking up -

[realgone]

Without getting into too many complicated details, of which there are plenty, and yeah, it's still super long, but it kind of goes like this:

 

Two months ago I was dumped by my gf of 3 1/2 years. Our relationship was amazing. It wasn't without problems, but generally it was very healthy, envied by our friends, loving, intimate, etc. The breakup came as an absolute shock to me, as maybe it always does to people who are dumped, and it just didn't seem to make any sense. It also came at a time when I needed her most, which unfortunately seems pretty common. Breaking up took about a week, going back and forth, with me resolutely trying to work things out and her vascilating, exhibiting extremely unstable, and out-of-character emotional behavior.

 

We got back together for about three days. There were no fights during this time, but rather a lot of intimacy and conversations about how to proceed, how to fix things, etc. She admitted to me that she had started taking antidepressants (celexa and xanax) five months prior, without ever having told me, and that she feared they'd stopped working. At my suggestion she got a new prescription the next day, but then the day after broke up with me again for good, even more out of the blue.

 

As I started putting things into focus, the five months prior to our breakup began becoming more and more clear - her marked personality change, the increase in tension, an unprecedanted selfishness and lack of empathy - all things that influenced my behavior, how we (dys)functioned as a couple, the beginning of the end.

 

Since then things have gone from bad to much, much worse. She started dating my friend, my neighbor(!), behind my back. Now I'm out a friend, too. She's cold, dismissive, completely unempathetic - just a stranger.

 

I'm aware of the cliches. I understand these things happen. I know rejection makes people ignore warning signs, only concentrate on the good, put the dumpers on a pedestal. But it'd be hard for me to stress just how DIFFERENT she's become. She'd exhibited immaturity and selfishness and a capacity for empathy that was below my comfort level in our relationship, but really, really, nothing like this. In a million years she simply wouldn't have been this indecent or uncaring or cruel. I spent over 3 years with her and I feel very strongly that this just wasn't in her constitution.

 

So I guess my request for opinions is: could the antidepressants be causing her to close off from normal feelings of propriety, remorse, decency, etc? Or is it just that now that she's done with me she's embracing a new, more horrible self that she never really gave me any indication existed?

 

I've never been so sick about anything in my life.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The only thing I see is a girl who is showing you what she is like when she no longer loves someone. You got to see her when she loved you. You saw her as that love faded and difficulties set in. Now you are seeing how she is when that love is gone. I don't think that the antidepressants caused her behavior. I think she started taking them because she was depressed over losing her feelings for you and needed them to get her through her process of emotional detaching and the trauma of ending the relationship.

[blind_otter]

antidepressants (celexa and xanax) five months prior

 

xanax is not an antidepressant. It's an benzodiazepine - for anxiety. Anxiolytic.

 

So I guess my request for opinions is: could the antidepressants be causing her to close off from normal feelings of propriety, remorse, decency, etc? Or is it just that now that she's done with me she's embracing a new, more horrible self that she never really gave me any indication existed?

 

I doubt it was the anitdepressant, to be honest. I agree with what LB said. I started taking antidepressants over a year ago and my relationship with my SO has become deeper and closer.

 

Just saying.

[prisonbreak]

I was in a bad relationship a while back. I became very depressed too. I started taking antidep and then left him. He always blamed the antidep. The antidep gave me the courage to take the jump I was to afraid of taking. Now in hind site, I do think the antidep made me a little more shut off to my feelings, less emotional. They just allow you to move forward when your stuck.

[Always Wrong]

realgone, let me start by saying how sorry I am you have been taken to the emotional cleaners. It really stinks. I know you're in a lot of pain. There ought to be a law against your girl jumping from you to someone you know! They should both be penalized in some way. Who knows what the appropriate penalty would be, but there ought to be a law.

 

 

She sounds like an opportunist and a very shallow individual who likes the thrill. The neighbor obviously was no friend, but now it's uncomfortable to see your neighbor. I have no compassion for men like that. So it's nice to know she is going to jump from him to someone she meets through him as well, or, right back to you! Oh yea, she'll do it to him too. Would you take her back? Is that why you're trying to blame the drugs and not her?

 

I know a guy who had an experience that sounds exactly like yours! He was head over heels for her. She showered him with affection... made him obviously feel wonderful!

 

This woman, quite attractive, a body to die for, obviously had no morals. She would manipulate every opportunity to see what she could get out of it. She would hit on anyone she was left alone with for two seconds... male or female.

 

When confronted with any questionable behavior, she would laugh real big and joke it off like she was "testing" him and say she was going for "shock value" and tell my friend he was being immature. What a load of sh*t.

 

When she hopped from my friend to our other friend, my friend was devestated. I told him she was hitting on me, and he said I was just wishing, and got mad at me for saying that! Oh brother, how our eyes go blind when the little head does the thinking for the big head.

 

I'm sorry I'm slamming your girlfriend, I'm just trying to be on your side. I really wish I could say I think it's the drugs, but I doubt it. Actions speak voulmes, and she has told a lot about herself with this... and so has your neighbor.

 

Start the healing process now. Get back into your old routine or establish a new one. She took advantage of you, and I feel for ya man. 3 1/2 yrs. goes by quick doesn't it?

 

Here's some info on the antidepressant Celexa...http://www.healthsquare.com/newrx/cel1079.htm

Edited February 5, 2008 by Always Wrong
added info

[realgone]

everyone, thanks for your input.

 

yeah, it's not that I think the antidepressants were/are entirely responsible for the breakup, and i'm aware that there probably was a loss of love that coincided with her decision to start taking them, and that they did probably assist her in making the decision to break up. It's just that her personality changed so much and I'm trying to understand everything. I feel like the old girlfriend, the girlfriend who wasn't on antidepressants, just had a different set of values and a lot more compassion. it's tough.

[sedgwick]

Xanax is a highly-addictive tranquilizer, not an antidepressant. Did she recently stop taking it?

[realgone]

i know xanax isn't an antidepressant; i just thought i'd mention that she was taking it in addition to the celexa.

 

to my knowledge she used the xanax prescription for specific panic attacks (remember, i only found this out months after she'd begun taking both), and the celexa for depression. when we were in the midst of breaking up she would take extra doses of the xanax to calm down and sleep. othewise, though, i have no idea how much or when she took it.

 

i should mention, also, that the month prior to our breakup she spent recovering from a knee surgery. literally, without exaggeration, for a full month she ingested a cocktail of oxycontin, vicodin, ambien, 800mg ibuprofin, etc, on a daily basis, in addition to the other two drugs. needless to say, during that month she wasn't quite herself, and the fact that she dumped me right after recovery, and the unstable behavior, bipolar it seemed to me, looked to me to have at least something to do with what she'd been putting in her body.

 

now, i'm not judging either way. she felt she needed help with depression and anxiety and she had had surgery, so i'm not taking a righteous tone with this, but her personality changed. of course it's possible, as LB mentioned, that her personality change had everything to do with falling out of love, but she gave me no indication of this. during those five months there were a couple times when i confronted her about her behavior, her attitude, sort of had the state of the relationship talks, and both times she apologized and assured me that she was totally comitted, that she was just going through a hard time.

 

now i'm struggling, really struggling, but i get it. she either lied about her commitment out of cowardice and her personality change was because she was unilaterally breaking up with me and falling out of love, OR her personality change was, and continues to be influenced by medication.

 

and no, i don't want to get back together. i mean, i'm feeling everything everyone on LS is feeling. all the way. I'm heartbroken to an unreasonable degree, but with the betrayal and everything else, that toothpaste's sort of out of the tube on that one. What i'm trying to do, i suppose, is maintain some faith in her character and just be open to the idea that maybe this all got away from her.

 

either that or she's just absolutely horrible. which doesn't make me feel any better right now.

[sedgwick]

Oh my god! What a pharmaceutical nightmare!

 

I'm not saying this to give you any false hope, BUT as someone who takes psych meds and also has had several knee and ankle injuries, I know that psych meds and painkillers can really f*ck you up. Especially if you abruptly come off of one of them.

 

If I go a week without one of the medications I take -- by which I mean one specific one -- I will WITHOUT A DOUBT end up in the hospital. It's as serious as a diabetic going without insulin. People who have seen me off this medication say that they see my mood change, they watch me get more irrational day by day, and by the fourth day I'm not making any sense anymore.

 

I have done very irrational things while manic. I've destroyed relationships. I've broken up with people. All that said, your gf might be perfectly sane and rational and really want out of the relationship. I'm just telling you that Xanax withdrawal is some serious business.

[realgone]

perfectly sane and rational would be a far stretch, but yeah, i get you.

 

i just feel like, what we had, 3 1/2 years which involved a preponderance of healthy, open communication - just that she MIGHT have mentioned at some point that she wasn't into the relationship.

 

i know i'm grasping and bargaining to some degree. i guess that's what we do.

[Always Wrong]

Holy smokes realgone, sedgwick pulled an additional and very pertinent probability to the forefront... withdrawl. I wasn't even thinking about coming off the drugs.

 

So you could be right! She may not be in her right mind after all.

 

But your neighbor is still a jerk!

[realgone]

'jerk' doesn't even scratch the surface. i guess posting regulations preclude me from writing any of the things that he really is, except maybe 'narcissistic scumbag.'

 

and the fact that he's my neighbor is incidental to the fact that he was - WAS - my friend. we all hung out together. he was a confidant after the initial breakup. it was an ultimate betrayal, on both their parts'. and no, they hadn't started something up beforehand. he took the opportunity after we'd broken up, when she was vulnerable and angry. doesn't make it okay, but just so we're clear.

 

he's been informed to stay out of striking distance. and i'm moving at the end of the month.

[Always Wrong]

Oh man, betrayal, a knife in the back. Not cool... oh well, I can tell you my moral ethics wouldn't allow me to even consider it. Some guys are just dogs and damned proud of it. Those type don't impress me.

 

It's our society that protects guys like that from the life changing event they deserve.

 

Back in the day I dealt with things like that violently. I've learned to control myself these days because of the loss of freedom involved with such an exchange.

[realgone]

yeah, i mean, i definitely considered an epic beatdown, and it would be epic, but what's so painful about it is there's no real way to even the score. no matter how bloody, it'd only be a pinprick compared to my pain. as hard as it is, i've just got to take that energy and apply it to my healing, my betterment. but whatever. he'll get his someday. it all comes back around.

[Always Wrong]

yeah, i mean, i definitely considered an epic beatdown, and it would be epic, but what's so painful about it is there's no real way to even the score. no matter how bloody, it'd only be a pinprick compared to my pain. as hard as it is, i've just got to take that energy and apply it to my healing, my betterment. but whatever. he'll get his someday. it all comes back around.

How true brother... how very true. You seem to be handling this very well despite the pain. You have my vote for being the much bigger man. Control over rage is not easy. They both lost much more than they gained.

 

It's also possible, as sedgwick indicated, that the drugs made her mentally out of touch with what she was doing. I feel sorry for her if that's the case. There's nothing worse than doing something awful and not understanding why we did it.

Edited February 6, 2008 by Always Wrong

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wouldn't place too much blame on the drug thing, or hang your hopes on it too much. I'm on some serious, and I mean serious painkillers like the ones your now ex gf was on, anti anxiety drugs, anti depressants, and some other really hard stuff for anti nausea that are also used for anxiety disorders. Addictive mean stuff and that is in addition to the hard IV drugs I get every three weeks!

 

A veritable boatload of drugs - and it hasn't made me do anything I wouldn't normally do, or change how I feel about the people around me (particularly my on again off again boyfriend). All it has done is make it easier to the do the stuff I would have done anyway.

 

I'm not saying that this is the end all be all for drug advice and we all react differently to pain/emotional management drugs, but don't automatically assume that your gf is the way she is because of the drugs. I would think it is the more simple thing: she fell out of love, wanted to date someone new (whom she may have already initiated a relationship with before you broke up), and is now indifferent to you.

 

You likely aren't seeing aberrant behavior from her. You are seeing a side of her behavior that you have never seen before nor would have had a reason to see: and that is indifference. Probably the worst thing an ex can do is to show you indifference. It is shocking and painful to see someone you love who seems to be acting like an alien, but the truth is - it was there all along, you just never was in a position to see it until now.

 

Consider all options and explanations, but never lose sight of the most simple ones. Most of the time things are exactly as they appear, as painful as that may be to accept.

 

You may never know the actual reason she fell out of love with you - sometimes there are no reasons. Either way, drug related or not - she is gone and I hope you will be able to find the strength to get your head and heart back together.

[realgone]

thanks again for your input, LB & AW.

 

LB, I think you're right that her indifference is the most salient feature of her alien behavior, but i think that indifference is influenced, or at least pushed along by the medications. her indifference, which sort of manifested itself as extreme selfishness and an inability to empathize, coincided exactly with her going on antidepressants. now maybe she began taking the meds because she was falling out of love, but i don't think it was that. she has other anxieties and problems in her life that didn't involve me, none of which are really necessary to list.

 

i'm only able to write so much about how all of this went down, and all of the myriad details and nuances and specifics are glossed over, and the doubt and confusion that i have about the situation exist within a larger context than i'm able to describe. i know how it looks from what i've written, and i can see the most obvious conclusions, and ultimately i think you're absolutely correct in your assessment from what i've given.

 

i just wanted to see if anybody else had experienced anything similar. my sister was on the other end of this once, acting unnaturally cruel and selfish to her bf after going on prozac, and she's always carried guilt for it. i've had other relationships with friends whose personalities changed, not necessarily for the better, while on medication. and again, i'm not judging or being self-righteous. i think drugs affect different people in different ways, and i'm just still very much in the middle of figuring this out for myself.

 

and no matter what it is, there's a difference between indifference and cruelty. i've broken some hearts myself, and i've done things to people i've loved that i'm not proud of, but breaking up with someone and not caring is different from breaking up with someone, not caring, and breaking the all-time golden rule of breaking up. i spent a long time getting to know this girl's ethics and moral structure, and yeah, people change, but this is too outrageous. i'm self-aware enough to accept the elements of our relationship and it's dissolution that i don't like, that i played a part in, that i was directly responsible for, but i guess i still firmly believe that she wouldn't have acted this way if she'd had a more clear head.

[Always Wrong]

thanks again for your input, LB & AW.

 

LB, I think you're right that her indifference is the most salient feature of her alien behavior, but i think that indifference is influenced, or at least pushed along by the medications. her indifference, which sort of manifested itself as extreme selfishness and an inability to empathize, coincided exactly with her going on antidepressants. now maybe she began taking the meds because she was falling out of love, but i don't think it was that. she has other anxieties and problems in her life that didn't involve me, none of which are really necessary to list.

 

i'm only able to write so much about how all of this went down, and all of the myriad details and nuances and specifics are glossed over, and the doubt and confusion that i have about the situation exist within a larger context than i'm able to describe. i know how it looks from what i've written, and i can see the most obvious conclusions, and ultimately i think you're absolutely correct in your assessment from what i've given.

 

i just wanted to see if anybody else had experienced anything similar. my sister was on the other end of this once, acting unnaturally cruel and selfish to her bf after going on prozac, and she's always carried guilt for it. i've had other relationships with friends whose personalities changed, not necessarily for the better, while on medication. and again, i'm not judging or being self-righteous. i think drugs affect different people in different ways, and i'm just still very much in the middle of figuring this out for myself.

 

and no matter what it is, there's a difference between indifference and cruelty. i've broken some hearts myself, and i've done things to people i've loved that i'm not proud of, but breaking up with someone and not caring is different from breaking up with someone, not caring, and breaking the all-time golden rule of breaking up. i spent a long time getting to know this girl's ethics and moral structure, and yeah, people change, but this is too outrageous. i'm self-aware enough to accept the elements of our relationship and it's dissolution that i don't like, that i played a part in, that i was directly responsible for, but i guess i still firmly believe that she wouldn't have acted this way if she'd had a more clear head.

Very nicely written realgone. You are obviously a well educated man. I appologize for jumping to an uninformed conclusion. Please forgive me for being so off target.

 

I hope she can reflect upon herself and get a grip on her behavior before anything worse happens. I feel bad for you, especially since you were blindsided by something you can't definitively put your finger on. That makes it harder to understand and cope with. Keep us posted. AW

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

My ex also went on anti-depressants without telling me one month prior to the breakup.

I guess it was just to build up the courage she needed (or indiference) to cll it off and not hurt as much....

 

Its funny though, what about my pain? I didnt take anything afterwards and have been trying to cope with everything very sober.

 

I guess in the long run ill be alot stronger because my mind was always clear, and she and others like her will always be a little weaker because they need the drugs to get them through the hard times.

 

(not like shes a junkie) but she always had alot of stuff to take, and i was the one who got her off her anti-depressants in the first place.

 

Anyway...whatever.....I feel for you just like I feel for everybody on here.

 

And forget about your neighbor, youre moving so thats good.... Hes gonna get the same as you (or maybe not because hes just using her), or she is the one who is gonna get it sooner or later......then she will go on anti-depressants again to deal with that....

[blind_otter]

I guess in the long run ill be alot stronger because my mind was always clear, and she and others like her will always be a little weaker because they need the drugs to get them through the hard times.

 

That is just bull****.

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

Why would that be bull?

 

Training your mind through the rough without outside help should prepare you better for other circumstances rathar than always needing something to get you through...

 

Really didnt understand u.....

[blind_otter]

Why would that be bull?

 

Training your mind through the rough without outside help should prepare you better for other circumstances rathar than always needing something to get you through...

 

Really didnt understand u.....

 

Some people have a chemical imbalance in their brain that prevents them from being physically able to "train their mind". IME a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and medication therapy is the best way to cope with a psychological problem.

 

From personal experience, I would honestly challenge you to go through what I've endured. Try to train your mind, then.

 

I'm stronger than most people I know. So I take an antidepressant. That helps me stay sane and put the horrors of my past behind me.

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

Some people have a chemical imbalance in their brain that prevents them from being physically able to "train their mind". IME a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and medication therapy is the best way to cope with a psychological problem.

 

From personal experience, I would honestly challenge you to go through what I've endured. Try to train your mind, then.

 

I'm stronger than most people I know. So I take an antidepressant. That helps me stay sane and put the horrors of my past behind me.

 

 

I would believe in the cognitive behavioral therapy...and forget the medication.

And I believe you give me reason by saying that some people have a chemical imbalance in their brain.....what happens when you dont have medication to support that imbalance?

 

I do not accept your challenge because I believe you had your issues and I dont want to make them seem more or less important (thats really not the question here or even my right to underestimate).

 

On being stronger than most people so you take anti-depressants... well, maybe if you didnt take anything you wouldnt think that.

Youre probably more realistic so you take them to make it easier on yourself.... and others just might think they could handle their problems...and be on a low for a longer period of time...

 

Dont know if im making any sense.....sorry....