BigAl Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 I need advice/help. I'm currently separated while waiting for a divorce, dating someone new. My new girlfriend is rushing me to end things with my ex (house, bills, etc) and I can't do that due to obligations etc. I've told her that she is my future but that I need to close the book on my marriage first. She's very upset and feels I'm choosing the ex over her. I've tried to explain until I'm blue in the face but she's not hearing it. What would you do??? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 How long have you been seperated? Has the divorce paperwork been filed already? Were you 'with' your GF before you were seperated/pending divorce? These are all factors that can modify what advice you get. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Dump her. if she can't be supportive and understanding with all this crap going on in your life, imagine what she'll be like when you divorce her....!! Seriously, she's either incredibly naive and immature, and doesn't see how distressing this all is, or she's too demanding by far. There is every chance that she's a rebound relationship. If (as I suspect) she goes all angry, indignant and ballistic - then you're well rid of her. She's in it for the ride, not the duration. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BigAl Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 Been separated since April 07. Been with my current since right around that time. Paperwork hasn't been filed yet. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 I need advice/help. I'm currently separated while waiting for a divorce, dating someone new. My new girlfriend is rushing me to end things with my ex (house, bills, etc) and I can't do that due to obligations etc. I've told her that she is my future but that I need to close the book on my marriage first. She's very upset and feels I'm choosing the ex over her. I've tried to explain until I'm blue in the face but she's not hearing it. What would you do??? My MM is in a similar position, tying things up having left his W, with a view to our being together. Divorce in his country takes a long time, but even without that, dissolving a marriage is not an overnight business when you've been together a long time. You don't mention how long you've been with your new gf, but if it's been a while she should know you well enough to know your intentions are serious (I'm assuming they are, from what you've said) and to trust you on this. If you've not been together long, then you'd be foolish to rush it anyway, as you need time to get to know each other particularly after ending a M - unless you want to drag all that baggage and bad patterns into your new R. Sit down with her and give her a timeline you think is realistic, with agreed milestones along the way so she can have a sense of progress being made and know she's not just being strung along, if that is her fear. If her timeline is unrealistic you need to tell her that, and if she can't accept the constraints then she's not able to accept you for what you are and where you are, and look for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BigAl Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 My gf and I have been together since my separation. I tell her repeatedly that she's my future and that I want to be with her for the rest of my days. She doesn't believe in marriage and I'll never do it again anyway. I'm just curious what everyone here thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 If she doesn't believe in marriage, and you two aren't going to get married, then why is she freaking out that you're not getting the D done fast enough for her? You two live together and are a couple, right? She needs to relax and just enjoy things as they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BigAl Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 The problem is mostly money. A majority of the money I make is still going into the house/bills/insurance etc. The ex is currently working a low paying job, but in school to get a better position. Long before we separated, I told her I'd support her during this less-than-financially-stable period so I feel obligated to do that. Not to mention my 2 year old lives with her and there's no way I' d put them on the street. So while we're comfortable now, it could be (and will be) a lot better. But I've told her that and asked for her patience. So far, it's a no go. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Been separated since April 07. Been with my current since right around that time. Paperwork hasn't been filed yet. From her side of things you are dragging your feet, if you have been seperated since April why have you not filed the papers yet? what is taking so long? Personally I can TOTALLY see her mistrust and I can see her frustration, it is VERY hard to support a person that says one thing and does another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BigAl Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 Tomcat... please read my previous post. I'm trying to take care of an obligation. True, I haven't filed yet, but I've made a lot of progress with other things that show her I'm serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Sorry I just saw your explanation. Yes money can be difficult. Do you have kids? Are you going to sell the house and split your goods? F you do you will have $$ when you do that so.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BigAl Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 Yes, we have a two year old. For the most part we'll divide everything but she wants to stay in the house. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Tomcat... please read my previous post. I'm trying to take care of an obligation. True, I haven't filed yet, but I've made a lot of progress with other things that show her I'm serious. Are you 100% sure you will never go back with your wife? I dunnow having been in the exact same predicament having dated a seperated man who promised he was out for good and only ended up going back when I gave him space to file for his D, I can see where she is coming from...However if you know beyond a shaddow of a doubt that you will never go back with your W then you need to find a way to make her see that and understand and trust that. Actions speak volumes. My guy is now D for good but it's too late for us. Let's hope this doesn't happen to you... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 The problem is mostly money. A majority of the money I make is still going into the house/bills/insurance etc. The ex is currently working a low paying job, but in school to get a better position. Long before we separated, I told her I'd support her during this less-than-financially-stable period so I feel obligated to do that. Not to mention my 2 year old lives with her and there's no way I' d put them on the street. So while we're comfortable now, it could be (and will be) a lot better. But I've told her that and asked for her patience. So far, it's a no go Well, your girlfriend has to know your ex is going to BE in your life forever because of your child with your ex. It's good that you are helping her! Just because your marriage is over, doesn't mean you have to be on bad terms with your ex-wife...you two still have to co-parent together, and can do that on good terms. This IS something your girlfriend has to somehow deal with and accept.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Yes, we have a two year old. For the most part we'll divide everything but she wants to stay in the house. Yeah but the house is where the money is not in the "everything" So do you get some sort of settlement if she keeps the house? I don't get how that's gonna get split if she has a low paying job and trying to make ends meet. not prying on your finances just trying to make my bottom line which is: sounds like finances will always be the excuse and this D may never happen really. I see/hear of men all the time seperated for 5 8 10 yrs never bothered filing for D. Scary and it takes a special type of partner who is willing to support that. Your g/f doesn't want to marry? In that case it could just be she doesn't trust you are with her for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BigAl Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 Tomcat... you bring up a good point. Yes I am 100% sure I'm not going back. How do I know that? Because I went back in November. And my gf understood that I was only going back because it was too hard to be away from my daughter. But that return only lasted 11 days. My gf welcomed me back with open arms once I knew for sure. I'm now 100% sure of what I want my future to hold. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Well, your girlfriend has to know your ex is going to BE in your life forever because of your child with your ex. It's good that you are helping her! Just because your marriage is over, doesn't mean you have to be on bad terms with your ex-wife...you two still have to co-parent together, and can do that on good terms. This IS something your girlfriend has to somehow deal with and accept.. I don't think he said she doesn't want the ex W in the picture I think he said she want's the D to happen. Rightly so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BigAl Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 Tomcat... I'm going to let the judge decide how the house issue plays out. The ex is lining herself up for a better paying job. She can't wait to be financially independent, so finances will not be an excuse. And this D can't happen fast enough! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Tomcat... you bring up a good point. Yes I am 100% sure I'm not going back. How do I know that? Because I went back in November. And my gf understood that I was only going back because it was too hard to be away from my daughter. But that return only lasted 11 days. My gf welcomed me back with open arms once I knew for sure. I'm now 100% sure of what I want my future to hold. BINGO! this is very scarring none the less, she may have understood what you were doing because she is a grown adult who can reason and rationalise situations but that does not mean her emotional state was not affected by this, because of having to lose you like that. This stays with you and creates a deep insecurity that it can and will happen again and it creates mistrust in terms of what is real and what is not. I know it is hard for the person in your shoes to empathise with because you know where your head/heart is at but for her, the papers are the surefire proof that this will never happen again. Something to think about when considering your g/f's "irrational" behaviour. what you are doing is reasonable given the hardships of the situation but it takes a lot to undestand it from the outside when you have a track record of falling back on your word/actions. See what I am getting at BigAl? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 I don't think he said she doesn't want the ex W in the picture I think he said she want's the D to happen. Rightly so. Was just pointing out the obvious. Many OW have a little problem when it comes to the ex. Besides he is doing this for his child's sake and his girlfriend should be supportive. It also doesn't sound like his ex is hoping they'll get back together or pull a stunt on him. She wants to be independant, make more money. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Was just pointing out the obvious. Many OW have a little problem when it comes to the ex. Besides he is doing this for his child's sake and his girlfriend should be supportive. It also doesn't sound like his ex is hoping they'll get back together or pull a stunt on him. She wants to be independant, make more money. The obvious to whom? He never said she does not want him in contact or helping out the ex, he said she want's him to divorce. Very different thing. At any rate it's 100% understandable if a couple is finished with a relationship that they should end things completely, it is NOT unreasonable for the next relationship partner to question that. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) Tomcat... I'm going to let the judge decide how the house issue plays out. The ex is lining herself up for a better paying job. She can't wait to be financially independent, so finances will not be an excuse. And this D can't happen fast enough! It sounds like you are 100% about your decision so then you need to sit your g/f down and find a way to make her trust your words and reassure her that you are not going anywhere that the D not happening is strictly for "X reasons" or whatever they may be. Talk to her openly and answer all the questions she may have that put her mind at ease. I am pretty certain that is what this is about it's not about wanting you to rush through things for the sake of it. I know that if my ex guy would have done that it would have helped a lot, but he couldn't because only he knew what his intentions were and he was not one to open up to me that much about his personal situation with his W so while he yearned for my support I yearned for his openenss, and never the twain shall meet. Communication is key, even if it means having to beat the dead horse to a pulp...you know? If it gets you nowhere after being completely open with her then you might need to reevaluate what kind of a mate she is going to make long term. Edited February 5, 2008 by Tomcat33 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 At any rate it's 100% understandable if a couple is finished with a relationship that they should end things completely, it is NOT unreasonable for the next relationship partner to question that. Depends on the circumstances how these two got together. This has been posted in the OW/OM section..Not separated/divorced section. Big difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) Depends on the circumstances how these two got together. This has been posted in the OW/OM section..Not separated/divorced section. Big difference. Actually I would challenge BigAl to go up to any single lady out there and tell them he is recently seperated but still married ie. no D, and see how many want to engage in relationship with him. My bet is watch them leave skid marks they run so fast out the door. SO all in all this OW, if she was an OW, will be more understanding than the average single woman. Big difference is RIGHT! D vs Seperated is a HUGE difference regardless of how a couple meets. Edited February 5, 2008 by Tomcat33 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BigAl Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 You're killing me. My gf and I met and worked together long before any of this started. And I only posted in this section because I didn't know where else to put it. I'm a rookie here. Link to post Share on other sites
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