passionateconfusion Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Actually I would challenge BigAl to go up to any single lady out there and tell them he is recently seperated but still married ie. no D, and see how many want to engage in relationship with him. My bet is watch them leave skid marks they run so fast out the door. SO all in all this OW, if she was an OW, will be more understanding than the average single woman. Big difference is RIGHT! D vs Seperated is a HUGE difference regardless of how a couple meets. Not true TomCat. The man that I am involved with has been seperated for 5 years and no divorce. Whether it be for financial reasons or other I stand by him and love him. He has two kids aged 8 and 10 and is committed to being a great father to them. BigAl - communication is the key with your girlfriend. I hope for your sake that she can be somewhat understanding. I think a lot has to do with self-esteem. She needs to be confident in herself and in your relationship. I know from my own experience that rushing or pushing doesn't help the situation it causes more of a rift than anything else. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 I need advice/help. I'm currently separated while waiting for a divorce, dating someone new. My new girlfriend is rushing me to end things with my ex (house, bills, etc) and I can't do that due to obligations etc. I've told her that she is my future but that I need to close the book on my marriage first. She's very upset and feels I'm choosing the ex over her. I've tried to explain until I'm blue in the face but she's not hearing it. What would you do??? You simply explain to her that wrapping up your marriage come's first and she should respect and trust that..If she doesn't then I think it might be fair to say she could be the wrong woman to be involved with. Good Luck. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 You're killing me. My gf and I met and worked together long before any of this started. And I only posted in this section because I didn't know where else to put it. I'm a rookie here. I take it then your ex-wife knows about your girlfriend... communication is the key with your girlfriend. I hope for your sake that she can be somewhat understanding. I think a lot has to do with self-esteem. She needs to be confident in herself and in your relationship. I know from my own experience that rushing or pushing doesn't help the situation it causes more of a rift than anything else. I agree with passion. And you can help your gf feel more secure by talking to her and making her feel less stressed about the D not moving fast enough. Make sure she understands it has nothing to do with her, or how you feel about her. Hopefully then she'll understand why it's taking longer and see it as a positive and know that you are sticking to your word for good reasons, not because you're trying to get back with your ex. I know you said you dont' want to, but does your gf have her doubts about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BigAl Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 Yes the ex knows about my gf. I'm going to work extremely hard on communication. We've already had somewhat of a breakthrough throughout today (while this thread has been going on) so hopefully it's a work in progress rather than the end of the line. I thank you all for your advice, concerns, and well-wishes. Please don't stop. This has helped me immensely! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Not true TomCat. The man that I am involved with has been seperated for 5 years and no divorce. Whether it be for financial reasons or other I stand by him and love him. He has two kids aged 8 and 10 and is committed to being a great father to them. Not true for you because you prob don't want to get married again or think about having more kids. I said single ladies. If you wanted any of that you would run for the hills from a seperated man, believe me I know a lot of single ladies they don't want a seperated guy they want a guy that is good to go and has closed the door on his past in every way. Seperated guy = WAAAAAAYYY too much baggage most single women don't want the trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 (edited) Yes the ex knows about my gf. I'm going to work extremely hard on communication. We've already had somewhat of a breakthrough throughout today (while this thread has been going on) so hopefully it's a work in progress rather than the end of the line. I thank you all for your advice, concerns, and well-wishes. Please don't stop. This has helped me immensely! I think that's the ticket BigAl, this is going to be the true test of what you are both capable of in handling tough times. It's easy to have a great relationship when you are only having fun and during the good times, the true test of what two people have together is how they handle the rocky times. But it does take two, she needs to learn to trust you and to understand you and your decisions, just as you need to learn to communicate with her and help her understand your decisions making her feel like she is your priority even if it means having to share your time with your past life she should still be made to feel like your priority, and communication is a great place to start. Clearly her insecurities stem from the fear that you might go back with your ex, afterall she was your W you do share children and a history together so no matter how self assured a woman is being with someone who is just seperated takes work, support and understanding. Hope it turns out for you and I'm glad you found what we shared helpful! Edited February 6, 2008 by Tomcat33 Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBRAT Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 For the LIFE of me I cannot understand how a woman who is dating a recently seperated man with KIDS nonetheless ...has such a problem with the man WANTING to help his ex out or at LEAST attempt to maintain a civil or caring relationship. Maybe it's just me...but I am smart enough to realize that JUST because a man and woman couldn't make it as a couple does NOT mean they can't be friends, especially for the children. In fact I think it is very refreshing and nice. Al....Your G/F is going to HAVE to understand your situation, whether she likes it or not.Your child AND ex will be in the picture for a very long time...if she can't accept that, or at least try to be understanding this early in the game, then consider the type of woman you are facing your future with. For the record..I totally commend you for your attitude with your ex. If more ex'es were like you...divorce would be a lot less messy!!! Link to post Share on other sites
simplegirl Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 bigAl - Do I know you? Have we dated?? I actually dated a guy in the same situation almost. I worked with him for a few years and we became friends. We were both married and we never crossed any lines whatsoever. After he left the company we talked about once a year via email just to say hi. We'd go back and forth catching up for about 3 emails and that would be it. One day about 2 years after my divorce I emailed him to say hi (not the first one since my divorce). While catching up he told me that him and his W had been separated for about 8 months. She left him, he reasoned with her to stay for the kids and she left anyway. About 3 months later she came back only to leave again in less than 2 weeks. We talked a few months after that and decided to go out for drinks. Next thing you know we are dating. She finds out and seems ok with it. She would show up at his house, I was fine with that. she would call, I was fine with that. I was giving him space to deal with his situation (he had the kids). Then a few weeks later things started to change. she suddenly was having second thoughts. He swore from day one there was no going back. Even after her second thoughts he swore there was no going back. Well, long story short, she pulled one thing after another until she was living back in the house. How much could I take? Well, that was discussed with us and I determine as long as he still was adament there was no going back we would work through it. It was not easy and a few weeks later he told me they had to try again. I was heartbroken. Not only did we build on a very good friendship now we can't go back to just being friends. I saw him about 7 months later and he said she was leaving again. we emailed a little then suddenly it stopped so I can only guess they are trying again!! Sorry to go off on a tangent there but I can see where your GF is coming from. I didn't push at all and I got my heartbroken. I trusted him completely what he said (we had several discussions from the beginning because they weren't D yet) and he couldn't have predicted everything that happened. Actions speak louder than words is what they say isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Holy cow?! Do my eyes see correctly?! Now if this was coming from an OW I bet 100% the advice would be different... He's dragging his feet, OW... If he really loved you he'd already file, OW... I never thought I'd see the advice given here on this forum...I think hell has actually frozen over right now... But good to know that if you're living together some people think that's good enough without a D... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 (edited) bigAl - Do I know you? Have we dated?? I actually dated a guy in the same situation almost. I worked with him for a few years and we became friends. We were both married and we never crossed any lines whatsoever. After he left the company we talked about once a year via email just to say hi. We'd go back and forth catching up for about 3 emails and that would be it. One day about 2 years after my divorce I emailed him to say hi (not the first one since my divorce). While catching up he told me that him and his W had been separated for about 8 months. She left him, he reasoned with her to stay for the kids and she left anyway. About 3 months later she came back only to leave again in less than 2 weeks. We talked a few months after that and decided to go out for drinks. Next thing you know we are dating. She finds out and seems ok with it. She would show up at his house, I was fine with that. she would call, I was fine with that. I was giving him space to deal with his situation (he had the kids). Then a few weeks later things started to change. she suddenly was having second thoughts. He swore from day one there was no going back. Even after her second thoughts he swore there was no going back. Well, long story short, she pulled one thing after another until she was living back in the house. How much could I take? Well, that was discussed with us and I determine as long as he still was adament there was no going back we would work through it. It was not easy and a few weeks later he told me they had to try again. I was heartbroken. Not only did we build on a very good friendship now we can't go back to just being friends. I saw him about 7 months later and he said she was leaving again. we emailed a little then suddenly it stopped so I can only guess they are trying again!! Sorry to go off on a tangent there but I can see where your GF is coming from. I didn't push at all and I got my heartbroken. I trusted him completely what he said (we had several discussions from the beginning because they weren't D yet) and he couldn't have predicted everything that happened. Actions speak louder than words is what they say isn't it? That's what I'm talking about!! And that is EXACTLY why women see "seperated" and run as fast as they can. If a person is seperated they have a ton of unfinnished business with the ex and it takes superhuman effort to support that. It's hard enough getting used to being with someone D who has shared custody of kids and has to see the exW every other weekend let alone when he is STILL married to her. Also women can be very catty and for the simple fact that he found happiness and she didn't out of sheer boredome and jealousy she will set out to win him over again, and I hate to say this but some men can be very weak in this respect and just don't know where to draw the line. Before you know it you are such a "cool and supportive" girlfriend that your b/f and his ex are living together and sharing a bed because she is hard up for work and her finances are slipping and it's too much for the kids...and he is the good samaritan that has to take the ex back in. Bottom line is if you are not ready to move on fully to the next relationship you should not. People make all kinds of claims today and then they change their minds tomorrow. When the marriage is still active it is very easy to say "ahhh to hell with it we've been apart for long enough let's give this another go" As the new partner, only a fool would want a peice of that. It's not about not supporting your man with his exW and divorce stuff it's about not being the putz that ends up taking all this crap because your b/f and his ex refuse to cross the line to make their relationship officilally over. If you are seperated get divorced and if you find people that don't sit well with your status, then good luck finding the putz who will put up with that. It's one thing to be supportive of your DIVORCED boyfriend's ties with his exW and kids and it's another to be the inbetween while they decide what's what. Edited February 6, 2008 by Tomcat33 Link to post Share on other sites
nellstar Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Holy cow?! Do my eyes see correctly?! Now if this was coming from an OW I bet 100% the advice would be different... He's dragging his feet, OW... If he really loved you he'd already file, OW... I never thought I'd see the advice given here on this forum...I think hell has actually frozen over right now... But good to know that if you're living together some people think that's good enough without a D... :lmao: You're not the only one! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 But good to know that if you're living together some people think that's good enough without a D... Seriously!! All this time I was "just dating a seperated man" and I was never another woman afterall, despite how much crap I had to put up with from those that nagged and nagged about how he was "still married" and therefore wrong... Interesting! Gotta love the fairweather "advice" around here... Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Seriously!! All this time I was "just dating a seperated man" and I was never another woman afterall, despite how much crap I had to put up with from those that nagged and nagged about how he was "still married" and therefore wrong... Interesting! Gotta love the fairweather "advice" around here... Oh, I don't think it's because of fair weather. I think it's because a man is posting the situation. The BS's around here are much more partial to "cheating" men than they are to "cheating-enabler" women. Link to post Share on other sites
nellstar Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Seriously!! All this time I was "just dating a seperated man" and I was never another woman afterall, despite how much crap I had to put up with from those that nagged and nagged about how he was "still married" and therefore wrong... Interesting! Gotta love the fairweather "advice" around here... Are you talking about the preachers? Maybe they just target certain OW? I wonder why.... maybe some just don't like the tough attitude, how some OW just don't give a $h!t... Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBRAT Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 For the LIFE of me I cannot understand how a woman who is dating a recently seperated man with KIDS nonetheless ...has such a problem with the man WANTING to help his ex out or at LEAST attempt to maintain a civil or caring relationship. Maybe it's just me...but I am smart enough to realize that JUST because a man and woman couldn't make it as a couple does NOT mean they can't be friends, especially for the children. In fact I think it is very refreshing and nice. Al....Your G/F is going to HAVE to understand your situation, whether she likes it or not.Your child AND ex will be in the picture for a very long time...if she can't accept that, or at least try to be understanding this early in the game, then consider the type of woman you are facing your future with. For the record..I totally commend you for your attitude with your ex. If more ex'es were like you...divorce would be a lot less messy!!! I think that the "GF" in question here has the ability to walk away if Al is not meeting her requirements. Al said they got together AFTER he was seperated. So just because he is not moving fast enough for her he is supposed to twist himself into a pretzel to accomodate her now? Last time I checked people had free will. She does not HAVE to deal with it either. Al has the 'baggage" so to speak.The ex STBX, the child, the bills, etc etc etc.....to expect this guy to just cut it off with his ex simply because his G/F thinks he should is completely UNrealitstic. This stuff takes time and sometimes it goes on for years. It is on ongoijng process. According to the OP he has made it clear to his g/f that SHE is who he wants to be with. In addition to making many of the neccessary arrangements. If anything perhaps she needs to practice a bit more patience.....it hasn't even been a year that they have been dating, or even that he has been seperated. IMO I persoanlly think it is even way too soon to even begin another relationship....but, thats just ME. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Oh, I don't think it's because of fair weather. I think it's because a man is posting the situation. The BS's around here are much more partial to "cheating" men than they are to "cheating-enabler" women. True very true. Also if the cheater moves on and makes it work that is a BSs biggest nightmare so of course they will be all for keeping the D out of the equation, more if the D doens't have that's more room to manipulate the guy. :laugh: Are you talking about the preachers? Maybe they just target certain OW? I wonder why.... maybe some just don't like the tough attitude, how some OW just don't give a $h!t... Yes I think you're right though I would change the "not giving a sh11t" part to women who live life their own way and refuse to take sh11t from any preachers... I can see why that would irritate them. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 I think that the "GF" in question here has the ability to walk away if Al is not meeting her requirements. Al said they got together AFTER he was seperated. So just because he is not moving fast enough for her he is supposed to twist himself into a pretzel to accomodate her now? Last time I checked people had free will. She does not HAVE to deal with it either. According to the OP he has made it clear to his g/f that SHE is who he wants to be with. In addition to making many of the neccessary arrangements. If anything perhaps she needs to practice a bit more patience.....it hasn't even been a year that they have been dating, or even that he has been seperated. IMO I persoanlly think it is even way too soon to even begin another relationship....but, thats just ME. I bet that's what he told his W... But you're right she can just leave...I hope she does since she's not getting her needs met... And no one said that he should accommodate her...However, if he sees his future with her and she thinks that future includes filing for D, then if he lags, his future may be that of being alone... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 I think that the "GF" in question here has the ability to walk away if Al is not meeting her requirements. Al said they got together AFTER he was seperated. So just because he is not moving fast enough for her he is supposed to twist himself into a pretzel to accomodate her now? Last time I checked people had free will. She does not HAVE to deal with it either. Al has the 'baggage" so to speak.The ex STBX, the child, the bills, etc etc etc.....to expect this guy to just cut it off with his ex simply because his G/F thinks he should is completely UNrealitstic. This stuff takes time and sometimes it goes on for years. It is on ongoijng process. According to the OP he has made it clear to his g/f that SHE is who he wants to be with. In addition to making many of the neccessary arrangements. If anything perhaps she needs to practice a bit more patience.....it hasn't even been a year that they have been dating, or even that he has been seperated. IMO I persoanlly think it is even way too soon to even begin another relationship....but, thats just ME. He mentioned earlier, not sure if you caught that, that he once had to move back to be with his W and left his g/f to do this. Then he decided to go back with her shortly there after. So I doubt she walked into this after the fact she was clearly the OW before they started dating, if not via a full on A, an EA FOR SURE. I'll bet money on that they knew each other through work for years prior to him seperating (he shared this information too). Regardless, any normal human being would quesiton why two adults that are still married and living seperately are dragging their feet about a D, living in that state of seperation is stupid and usually done out of convenience for the two married people OR because the finalization of a permanent seperation is NOT decided yet. So the third party has very right to be hessitant to get involved with someone who on paper is still married. Not because it is morally wrong but because of ALL the headaches this can prove to bring your way. I agree on your bolded part but since he DID start a rel right away he should be prepared to explain as many times as need be why he is only seperated and not D. Any single person would question that, you'd be stupid to get involved with someone who is recently seperated and NOT question that. Link to post Share on other sites
nellstar Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 I can understand why your GF is showing her claws... but well, it's all up to you. You can always bring her along whenever you sort things out. That might show her how serious you are. Link to post Share on other sites
nellstar Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Funny... Maybe if we stayed on topic... Is this thread about a woman who has a problem with her b/f supporting his exW and kids or about a woman who simply wants her seperated man to be D? I read the latter not the former. Another thing I noticed is that.... it's not ok to T/J a man's thread but if the OP was a woman... it's really ok. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Another thing I noticed is that.... it's not ok to T/J a man's thread but if the OP was a woman... it's really ok. I KNOW...Double standard to the MAX... Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBRAT Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 LOL.....Funny is right... Seriously if you don;t like my advice, or my comments, that's fine, but I am not posting to you, I am posting to the OP. My original post was in reference to his G/F ..NOT any OW on this board. All I said was let's not turn this into a OW debate, because it's not the proper thread for it. Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBRAT Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 And TC, yes this thread IS about a man who is trying to support his ex and kids because it plays a big role in the outcome of the OP's situation. It's called not seeing the forest for the trees....I was simply pointing that out...not turning it into anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
nellstar Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Again, you missed the idea that she is complaining about something very basic and simple, she wants her b/f to no longer be married on paper hence her unhappiness with the situation. Your original post was talking about women who won't support men who want an amicable relationship with their exes. Not sure where you dragged that concept from because that was not mentioned here by the OP so talk about bring your own issues into the thread....:laugh: I think BigAl's GF just want the D to be over and done with. Not so much about his XW. I'm sure GF knows his XW will always be in the picture seeing that have kids together. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 And TC, yes this thread IS about a man who is trying to support his ex and kids because it plays a big role in the outcome of the OP's situation. It's called not seeing the forest for the trees....I was simply pointing that out...not turning it into anything else. or it could just be two people dragging their feet to divorce and wanting the best of both worlds....you see anything is possible really. Link to post Share on other sites
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