Tell me...

[Tomcat33]

I think BigAl's GF just want the D to be over and done with. Not so much about his XW. I'm sure GF knows his XW will always be in the picture seeing that have kids together.

 

 

Exactly! Having to gear up to the D is a whole process that eats away at each party and it is very trying emotionally and if the new partner wants to get that over and done with the sooner the better how can that be wrong in any way?

[Tomcat33]

D can take a long time and it can also be very quick. I just hope for GF's sakes, BigAl sticks to his words. Some people drag because they want both worlds and THAT isn't fair.

 

 

That's just it, isn't it? I hope he is convinced of what he wants. It is very convenient and easy to slip back into an old relationship when the ex is always in the picture, add to that the idea they are still married and that's a recipe for disaster really. I think BigAl is gonna have to be really patient with his g/f and vice versa for this to work otherwise it can be very trying to support a partner who is separated, and to be with a partner that refuses to support you.

Edited February 6, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nellstar]

That's just it, isn't it? I hope he is convinced of what he wants. It is very convenient and easy to slip back into an old relationship when the ex is always in the picture, add to that the idea they are still married and that's a recipe for disaster really. I think BigAl is gonna have to be really patient with his g/f and vice versa for this to work otherwise it can be very trying to support a partner who is separated, and to be with a partner that refuses to support you.

 

I hope so too. It is easier to slip back into it. You don't have to start all over, the comfort zone is there whatever you call it so yes, it's easier. Why do you think a lot of people want their Xes back??

[passionateconfusion]

Not true for you because you prob don't want to get married again or think about having more kids. I said single ladies. If you wanted any of that you would run for the hills from a seperated man, believe me I know a lot of single ladies they don't want a seperated guy they want a guy that is good to go and has closed the door on his past in every way.

 

Seperated guy = WAAAAAAYYY too much baggage most single women don't want the trouble.

 

You are WAY too presumptuous.

 

I am single, never married, no children.

 

I choose to love him. I choose to let him figure things out. I choose to support him and encourage him to do what is best. Would I like him to divorce - yes, but that is something he has to do on his own when he is ready. I don't feel threatened that he will return to W. He has the world in me and he knows it.

[Tomcat33]

I choose to love him. I choose to let him figure things out. I choose to support him and encourage him to do what is best.

 

What if letting him figure things out entails reconcilling with his W? Are you ok with that too? Would you support that?

 

If so I suppose you don't mind playing second fiddle to all his plans concerning his W and kids then? Essentially that is what you are saying, you don't mind hanging around for the ride until HE figures out what is best for HIM.

 

On the other hand if that is not what you are saying then how can you be sure this won't happen as long as he is simply seperated?

 

Also it appears that in Sept of last year your b/f returned to the marital home after 5yrs because he and his W decided it was best for everyone. What is your situation now is he still living with his W and kids and are you playing the role of the OW? I see reading your story that your guy has put you through a rollercoaster of ups and downs over the past year because of his indecisiveness and he is still 6 yrs seperated and not D. I am really surprised you have this stance on things...? Your story proves rather nicely why a non D couple is a couple that hasn't fully ended things and you being the third and new party are the one who has to sit and wait fo THEM to settle their business. You really have to put your life on hold at the mercy of two other people and their life choices...

 

Ideally people want a partner who has settled their business and is ready mind, soul and body to be in a new relationship 100%. Most people strive for that...I don't think I am way off base when I make that comment.

Edited February 6, 2008 by Tomcat33

[passionateconfusion]

What if letting him figure things out entails reconcilling with his W? Are you ok with that too? Would you support that?

 

If so I suppose you don't mind playing second fiddle to all his plans concerning his W and kids then? Essentially that is what you are saying, you don't mind hanging around for the ride until HE figures out what is best for HIM.

 

On the other hand if that is not what you are saying then how can you be sure this won't happen as long as he is simply seperated?

 

Also it appears that in Sept of last year your b/f returned to the marital home after 5yrs because he and his W decided it was best for everyone. What is your situation now is he still living with his W and kids and are you playing the role of the OW? I see reading your story that your guy has put you through a rollercoaster of ups and downs over the past year because of his indecisiveness and he is still 6 yrs seperated and not D. I am really surprised you have this stance on things...? Your story proves rather nicely why a non D couple is a couple that hasn't fully ended things and you being the third and new party are the one who has to sit and wait fo THEM to settle their business. You really have to put your life on hold at the mercy of two other people and their life choices...

 

Ideally people want a partner who has settled their business and is ready mind, soul and body to be in a new relationship 100%. Most people strive for that...I don't think I am way off base when I make that comment.

 

Yes, we were on a rollercoaster. In Sept. we went NC. He never moved back as he knows there is no love there with the wife. No matter how much he loves his children he recognized that reconciling for the sake was not the answer. He has committed himself to spending as much time as he can with the children. I don't see it as being second fiddle and I ACCEPT that has children must be his first priority. At this age, they need to be enveloped by love and know that even if Daddy isn't in the house he is there for them. One of the things I admire most about him is his committment to his girls.

As I said, he needs to figure things out for himself. I will continue to support him and when the time is 'ours' it will happen.

 

Relationships are a journey. I don't suggest that others do what I do however I am at peace with myself and so is he. We have a strong foundation.

[Tomcat33]

I think concepts are being mixed up here, I was not talking about your b/f's relationship with the children or even the relationship he has to have with his ex for the purpose of parenting. I am talking about your man flip flopping back to the marital home. In Sept of last year you came here and posted he had moved back to be with his W and kids. I am just not sure how a person who wants a full relationship with another human being can find it in themselves to support this kind of flippant decision and be at ease with that? If after 5 years of seperation he moved back to be with his kids and W in their home, what's to stop him 7 or 8 yrs down once he has had his fill of being with his new partner and his W seems more appealing than before the children will always need two parents and if they can work things out why wouldn't they?

 

 

I am talking strictly man/woman relationship not parenting.

 

So earlier when I assumed marriage and family must not be all that important to you I wasn't THAT off since you can't possibly marry and form a family with a man who after 6 yrs is still trying to figure out what to do with his past family/marriage.

[passionateconfusion]

I think concepts are being mixed up here, I was not talking about your b/f's relationship with the children or even the relationship he has to have with his ex for the purpose of parenting. I am talking about your man flip flopping back to the marital home. In Sept of last year you came here and posted he had moved back to be with his W and kids. I am just not sure how a person who wants a full relationship with another human being can find it in themselves to support this kind of flippant decision and be at ease with that? If after 5 years of seperation he moved back to be with his kids and W in their home, what's to stop him 7 or 8 yrs down once he has had his fill of being with his new partner and his W seems more appealing than before the children will always need two parents and if they can work things out why wouldn't they?

 

 

I am talking strictly man/woman relationship not parenting.

 

So earlier when I assumed marriage and family must not be all that important to you I wasn't THAT off since you can't possibly marry and form a family with a man who after 6 yrs is still trying to figure out what to do with his past family/marriage.

 

TC I find you rather annoying and I am no longer going to reply to your posts.

[Tomcat33]

TC I find you rather annoying and I am no longer going to reply to your posts.

 

 

Ok I see.

[Owl]

I'm curious...

 

BigAl, does your wife consider herself to be an "ex-wife" as well? Or has she been fighting to reconcile your marriage in any way?

[nellstar]

Does that mean after 7 or 8 years on, she'll still be ok with him going back and forth?

[Tomcat33]

Does that mean after 7 or 8 years on, she'll still be ok with him going back and forth?

 

Some people settle I suppose. That's fine if you can do it sans-grief but it never really is without pain and suffering is it?

[BigAl]

Owl... my ex knows she's an ex. She knows it's over. We've become two totally different people. But she's happy where she is in life right now.

[nellstar]

Owl... my ex knows she's an ex. She knows it's over. We've become two totally different people. But she's happy where she is in life right now.

 

That's good to know. How are things with GF?

[Tomcat33]

Owl... my ex knows she's an ex. She knows it's over. We've become two totally different people. But she's happy where she is in life right now.

 

That's very important.

[whichwayisup]

Owl... my ex knows she's an ex. She knows it's over. We've become two totally different people. But she's happy where she is in life right now.

 

BA, does your girlfriend know this about your ex? That she is happy and not looking to get back with you? You might want to tell her again and reaffirm your feelings again, so she feels more secure and not be so stressed about you not divorcing right now.

[Owl]

Owl... my ex knows she's an ex. She knows it's over. We've become two totally different people. But she's happy where she is in life right now.

 

If this is a divorce that you've both agreed on, and she's happy with it as well, that should alleviate a lot of your gf's fears, IMHO.

 

It would be a different story if your ex felt that there was still something between you, was fighting to save the marriage and win you back.

 

If you want to reassure your gf, then get the divorce proceedings moving ASAP. Other than that, she's just going to have to see by the rest of your actions that you're doing everything you can to be with her.

 

I still struggle with a lot of this tho...if the two of you aren't getting married...and the issue appears to be around money...that's kind of a flag (in my opinion), ESPECIALLY this early in the relationship. But I'm not there, you are.

 

Not much else advice to give, IMHO.

[BigAl]

My gf and I have been working this out/discussing/arguing/making up for the last 24 hours. Right now it's all good. In fact it's great. She knows I do things at my own pace and she's accepted that it's all going to happen and be ok eventually. I'm going to take a lot of advice I've received here and make it work. I'm determined. I'm currently reading Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (actually we're both reading it) and I'm still learning. But it seems as though the "reinforce/comfort/listen/discuss" theme is repeated throughout so I'm working on that part too.

[Tomcat33]

BigAl too bad you are both struggling with this but glad to see you are reaching common ground.

 

I can't say I have read the Mars/Venus book but I do know for a fact that in relationships "reinforce/comfort/listen/discuss" isthe key to building trust in a healthy and loving way.

[passionateconfusion]

Men,Women and Relationships: Making Peace with the Opposite Sex is also a good read

[nellstar]

My gf and I have been working this out/discussing/arguing/making up for the last 24 hours. Right now it's all good. In fact it's great. She knows I do things at my own pace and she's accepted that it's all going to happen and be ok eventually. I'm going to take a lot of advice I've received here and make it work. I'm determined. I'm currently reading Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (actually we're both reading it) and I'm still learning. But it seems as though the "reinforce/comfort/listen/discuss" theme is repeated throughout so I'm working on that part too.

 

How great is that! You're both reading and also discussing things together. That is a good start and I hope you stick by your words!!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Yes the ex knows about my gf.

 

I'm going to work extremely hard on communication. We've already had somewhat of a breakthrough throughout today (while this thread has been going on) so hopefully it's a work in progress rather than the end of the line.

 

I thank you all for your advice, concerns, and well-wishes. Please don't stop. This has helped me immensely!

 

I feel for you Big Al, there must be a lot of things whirring round in your head right now, not least the finances and obligations.

 

However, I feel for your girlfriend too. You must have thought it showed amazing strength and dedication to your love that she could wait for you but those 11 days must have been absolute torture for her. Believe me, I've been there.

 

Did you show signs of going home last time? Did you talk to her in-depth about your return and how long it would last/how you would end it with her if you decided to stay at home? Its emotionally scarring, and she sounds like she's waiting for the next "disaster" of you upping and going home. She also has to deal with the fact that you miss your child so much that you could go home and live in a marriage that you dont want to be in for her. She's insecure!

 

You may be showing your dedication in other ways, but she's protecting herself in pushing you to get a divorce. Had you not returned three months ago, maybe she wouldnt be so desperate to get full closure on your last relationship.

 

Think of it this way, if she had gone back to her ex-boyfriend just to see how things were three months ago, would you feel really secure in your relationship today?

 

You're right with the communication - you need to open it up, really talk to her about this. But actions and words are two different things. Could you give her a timeline and stick to it? i.e. Ex-W finished school on X date, she should be in a position to pay for X & Y, think we will go for divorce on X date etc?

[NoIDidn't]

I don't understand those that feel the need to berate others for their posts. I just don't.

 

That said.

 

I am with Geishawalk mostly. If the girlfriend is pushing for finances only with no regard for your dedication to your child and the homelife you wish your child to have, I'd dump her too.

 

Have you considered joint custody of your child? Have you considered sole custody of your child? Not saying anything is wrong with the STBXW, just wondering if your GF has considered that your child will always be "an expense" and "an investment" with you.

 

It sounds totally selfish and inconsiderate of her to expect you to act like you never had a W just because you are divorcing eventually.

 

I commend you for reading the books. It shows you are intending to make things comfortable and healthy in the R you have with your new GF. But she needs to do the same for you. Is she reading a book to understand what you are going through, say "Surviving My Boyfriend's Divorce" maybe?

 

I'm sorry, but from my end, she simply sounds selfish and self-concerned. I hope she is not, because your child is going to pick up on her dislike for still having to deal with the child and the child's mother. Red flag, IMHO.

[passionateconfusion]

I don't understand those that feel the need to berate others for their posts. I just don't.

 

I so agree with you. We all come here with unique experiences that are as unique as we are as people.

 

 

I'm sorry, but from my end, she simply sounds selfish and self-concerned. I hope she is not, because your child is going to pick up on her dislike for still having to deal with the child and the child's mother. Red flag, IMHO.[/quote]

 

I also agree with this statement. Sometimes one has to be selfless and that does not mean giving in. If a relationship is built on love, trust and respect then understanding should also be present.

 

BigAl - just keep doing what you are doing and hopefully things will work out just how you want them to.

[Tomcat33]

However, I feel for your girlfriend too. You must have thought it showed amazing strength and dedication to your love that she could wait for you but those 11 days must have been absolute torture for her. Believe me, I've been there.

 

Did you show signs of going home last time? Did you talk to her in-depth about your return and how long it would last/how you would end it with her if you decided to stay at home? Its emotionally scarring, and she sounds like she's waiting for the next "disaster" of you upping and going home. She also has to deal with the fact that you miss your child so much that you could go home and live in a marriage that you dont want to be in for her. She's insecure!

 

You may be showing your dedication in other ways, but she's protecting herself in pushing you to get a divorce. Had you not returned three months ago, maybe she wouldnt be so desperate to get full closure on your last relationship.

 

Think of it this way, if she had gone back to her ex-boyfriend just to see how things were three months ago, would you feel really secure in your relationship today?

 

You're right with the communication - you need to open it up, really talk to her about this. But actions and words are two different things. Could you give her a timeline and stick to it? i.e. Ex-W finished school on X date, she should be in a position to pay for X & Y, think we will go for divorce on X date etc?

 

 

Excellent points/suggestions Je Ne Regrette!!

 

In regards to the bolded part: rightly so. BigAl take it from us we have been in your g/f's shoes and we speak from experience. There weren't any children in my ex's relationship but the tie to his ex due to not having split things yet was still very much open, and the flip flopping was very scarring indeed. It made an insecure person out of me, and I am anything but for the most part in "normal" relationships. The situation really lends itself for doubt and anxiety.

 

I liked the timeline suggestion by Je Ne Regrette. Do you think that is feasible BigAl?

 

Also I am curious to know when you and your g/f have been fighting on things last night what was her stance/request of you? If you care to share that here that is....just say "no thanks Tomcat" if you don't I won't be offended.