The Breakup of a Stepfamily...

[reservoirdog1]

Hi everybody. To make a long story short, it looks like my relationship is going to end.

 

I've been dating GF for a bit under two years now. We broke up after a few months of dating (my instigation) but got back together two months later. If you want to know a bit more about things with us since then, check my previous posts... they'll give you a good snapshot of a number of the problem areas.

 

Anyway, we moved in together 4 months ago. She has two kids full-time, and I have two kids part-time. It appears that things are on the verge of splitting, and causing all four kids more grief and sadness. The kids all get along well together, and her kids with me and me with hers. All the more difficult given that my daughter (10) took a long time to get over the divorce between XW and me, and has really bonded with GF.

 

The last 4 months, in the midst of excitement and good together times, have involved a lot of fights (non-physical) between GF and me. Some have been over what I consider to be trivial things, some over important things. Money is tight, even with my pretty good income, because GF hasn't been working due to some health issues and probably won't be able to work full time -- such that I can't afford certain possible needs related to my two kids.

 

Yesterday afternoon I saw a counsellor, on my own, to talk about things. GF was impressed that I did that, because she saw it as demonstrating that I saw our situation as dire and wanted to fix it. I then told her (at her request) what I'd told the counsellor, and GF now feels that things are hopeless. And I'm largely feeling that she's right -- there are certain issues that seem irreconcilable. GF has always wanted the security of knowing that we're going to be getting married one day. In terms of emotional involvement, I've been a step behind her since we started dating. My view on us getting married was that I wanted to wait to see if we can make it work living together. Given how much we've been fighting, I've become nervous about the idea of getting married -- marriage has a pretty crappy track record as a cure-all for what ails a relationship. I've wanted to try to solve the problems first before getting married. But it's that insecurity and uncertainty that have been the hardest on GF and that have, in turn, led to more fights. So it's a vicious circle.

 

With the benefit of hindsight, we probably shouldn't have moved in together when we did -- we had several fights over similar issues before we moved in together. The number and frequency of fights have greatly increased since then (though they've been hidden from the kids).

 

I don't really know what else to say at this point. We're 4 months into the blended-family thing and it appears that it's going to end. I guess what I'm hoping for is to hear from people who have gone through the breakup of a stepfamily -- specifically, what effect did it have on the kids? How long did the stepfamily last in your case? What was the impact, given that the kids had already gone through the end of mommy and daddy's marriage and now had to relive that to a degree?

 

Thanks everybody.

Edited February 5, 2008 by reservoirdog1

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry RD...I feel for you...All of you, the kids and your gf.

 

I guess just be honest and answer any questions the kids might have. Why not sit down together with all the kids and talk to them.

[onward]

Sounds like you wish things could work out though, right?

 

I'd say look into "Getting the Love You Need" (Harville Hendrix), it was a real eye opener for me in terms of making relationships work.

 

For example:

- Marital issues begin the instant you commit to each other (i.e. moving in together), this is almost universal.

- The fights you are having are not the real issues

- People usually find good mates by instinct (i.e. "I chose wrong" is often an easy cop out), there is a lot going on relative to who you are, that you are probably not seeing.

- What goes wrong is a) not understanding the evolution of relationships, and b) not learning why you are a certain way, and what you and your partner really need from the other.

- It also explains IMHO why so many of us go from relationship to relationship with same [bad] results.

 

If you don't do work on yourselves you'll get the same result next time. It is not a bad partner choice, or all "their fault", and you are not a bad mate "picker" If you both are up for it you could be turned around and on a good path relatively quickly, and if not you'll learn a heck of a lot about yourself and what you really need.

 

I would give anything to be in your position, with a partner who wants to make things work, and willing to do this type of growth. Alas, in my situation it is too late - I was only enlightened after wife had moved on emotionally...

Edited February 6, 2008 by onward

[Mr. Lucky]

Boy, I hate to sound like Dr. Laura, but I think it's a mistake to drag kids into these things. Divorce is hard enough on them, so additional moving in and out just seems like insult after injury.

 

Why not get your own place, get established and focus on your kids? See your GF part-time if that's what you want, but your children need stability without chaos or drama. Just my opinion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[blind_otter]

I'm so sorry to hear this.

 

Maybe you two can see a relationship counselor?

[reservoirdog1]

Thanks, everybody, for your replies.

 

Last night was highly emotional for both of us. What I'd told the counsellor, namely that I'd reached a point where I was questioning whether I want to continue the relationship because of the number and frequency of our fights, hit GF very hard. She said it took her faith in our relationship -- which was strong but not rock-solid, due to our previous breakup -- and shattered it. That was the basis for her feelings of hopelessness. At one point last night, after things escalated a lot, she walked out, got into her car, but couldn't pull away. I came to the door of our home and opened it, and that was the signal she needed to shut the car off and come back inside.

 

She feels like my love is conditional on things being smooth between us. I replied that it's not -- my love doesn't go away because of a fight, but the fights do make me feel miserable. And where they're sometimes every week, or more than that, it's hard to shake the misery. And fundamentally, I told her, I just want to be happy. And the frequent fighting causes the opposite emotion.

 

Anyway, I blew off work this morning, and we stayed home and talked. A lot. We both want to work this out if possible. So, we're going to talk to a counsellor tomorrow, together.

 

I do have one question. Maybe I just lack a frame of reference. How much fighting (non-violent) can a relationship involve, and yet still be "normal" and "healthy"? I'm not so naive as to think a healthy relationship must have no conflict, because that's not realistic where there's two individuals with two sets of feelings and needs.

 

GF told me this morning that she spoke to one of her best friends last night, told her what was going on, and the friend told her that she and her new husband (of 2 months) have argued every day since they got married and moved in together. GF also told me about her parents, who bicker all the time but have been together for 50 years. I don't have a comparable frame of reference. My marriage didn't involve a lot of arguments or fights, until the end when the true nature of it became known to me. I know my parents have fights, no doubt more frequently than they let on when I was a kid, but I don't know how frequently.

 

Part of the problem with GF and me is one of communication. She's not a nasty person -- far from it. But she is highly sensitive, and doesn't let things go easily. So she needs to talk about things that are bothering her, even if they've already been talked about and (I thought) resolved. My contribution to the escalation is that I often take those issues as criticism or attack, which leads me to go on the defensive or, at worst, "fight back".

 

GF readily acknowledges that her inability to let go of things easily is a huge problem for her. When she's in highly emotional states, I don't always respond in a supportive way, which makes her feel that much worse.

 

Plus, I'm a classic conflict avoider. Which led me to start thinking that, if I give up on what's otherwise a loving and very affectionate relationship because I judge there to be "too much fighting", perhaps I'm setting myself up for a lifetime of disappointment because any future relationship with somebody I really care about will be the same way.

 

Can anybody share their thoughts on "how much fighting is too much"?

 

Thanks all...

[blind_otter]

Can anybody share their thoughts on "how much fighting is too much"?

 

Thanks all...

 

Heya rd....my SO and I used to fight like cats and dogs. At one point, about a year ago, SO's son made up a song about it (he often makes up songs about everything that goes on in his life, it's cute) - in the song I threw an ashtray at his dad's head! At the end of the song, I go to a psychiatrist and "everything is OK".....

 

There is so much truth to that 10 year old's song. I took a step back and realized what I was contributing to the fighting. That, amongst other things, was part of the reason I went to individual counseling with a psychiatrist. I also began taking medication. At that time, it was an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. I worked hard in my therapy sessions and basically everything turned around 180 degrees in my relationship.

 

Now we rarely if ever fight.

 

On some level I had to take the initial step of recognizing that it was MY unhealthy coping mechanisms and oversensitivity that were causing ALL the friction. It was really hard to do. I really wanted to say, "it's both of us, we need marriage counseling" -- but TBH, I don't think relationship counseling would have worked for us because I was the one who needed intensive therapy.

 

Just my experience.

 

Do you feel that both of you contribute equally to the friction, or is it more one or the other?

[Art_Critic]

Can anybody share their thoughts on "how much fighting is too much"?

 

Hi RD.. Sorry that you are both going down this path..

 

I tend to think that ANY fighting within earshot of the child is too much..

 

1.) Your are only the BF and not the child's father so any fighting the child hears will not be taken favorably by the child. ( not to say that you should argue in front of a child if your married either though )

2.) The child is the product of a broken home and as such they are super sensitive to any negative emotions.. sponges.. they are just sponges for negative energy.

 

If you both are not fighting in front of the child but fighting then it will take an effort by both of you to not fight..

It takes one to walk away..

 

My first marriage was full of fighting and one of the tactics I used to defuse an argument is just leaving.. walking out without even saying anything and going to a Kroger parking lot and read for a bit..

 

I was taught in MC that while in an argument that you should count to 10 before answering or making any assertions to your SO..

That seems to defuse things rather quickly..

 

One of the things I learned by reading here on LS from a poster who I can't remember their ID is that if you want to end an argument quickly then argue while naked only....

I have been waiting to use that one day .. My wife and I don't argue but we do have disagreements that get resolved..

 

I'm sorry I wasn't full of help.. I'm sorry that you are both going thru this..

Edited February 6, 2008 by Art_Critic

[onward]

Read my last post in this thread, and look into Harville Hendrix's book(s). You are in the classic power-struggle, and there's a way out...

[reservoirdog1]

Well, we haven't split up. Not yet, anyway. But after two and a half weeks of what I'll call "recovery", things are once again on the edge of a knife.

 

As I said above, GF is dealing with depression and obsessive thoughts (as she describes them). The frequent fights since we moved in together caused me to question whether or not this was a relationship I could be happy in; GF, by contrast, had never questioned that, even in the midst of the fights. She saw the fights as things to be resolved and gotten over, one at a time. But in my mind, they accumulated, and finally reached the point they did two and a half weeks ago. This has all left GF feeling very insecure about my commitment (understandably), which has in turn fuelled her depression.

 

Last night, she raised again the issue of her insecurity due to my lack of commitment. I acknowledged to her that I felt like I still could not say that I'm going to be happy in this relationship. The reasons -- which I didn't get into last night, but which she knows -- are several.

 

1) Because she's not working very much -- and it's not clear how much she will be able to -- I feel huge financial pressure. And -- strike me down for saying this -- I do feel like I'm being "hindered" by her in that regard.

 

2) She is, she admits, very needy. Me going out at night often causes problems between us. She doesn't have a huge desire to do that, at least not nearly as often as I do. As a result, in trying to accommodate her wishes, I've radically reduced contact with most of my friends. She says she's not trying to cut me off from them, but that in a marriage or similar relationship, a reduction in frequency of contact is normal. And I agree, but I didn't expect the reduction to be THIS severe.

 

3) My family members have been, overall, unsupportive of the relationship. GF knows this, and it's hurt her. I have had little to no contact with one of my sisters for about six months now because of that (long story short). My parents seem to have warmed to GF, but GF thinks they're "sucking it up" because they have no choice. I don't know if she's right or not, but I think there's some truth to what she says.

 

It's hard to do this justice in one posting. Hanging over it all is the fact that I do love her. I'm a frigging mess at work, teary-eyed, and I wouldn't be that way if ending this relationship was something I am dead set on.

 

I don't know what to do. Can I be happy in this relationship? Or is that impossible? Will I ever know? Am I just stringing GF along and putting her through hell because of my uncertainty? Or is it better to put her through the hell (which is what it will be) of ending the relationship?

 

Thanks for bearing with me...

[blind_otter]

I have to say I think that your GF needs to seek individual counseling for her issues - is she already seeing someone? Is she taking active steps to treat her depression, is she on meds/seeing a psychiatrist? She may need to see a counselor as well.....

 

Also there are other ways to bring money into the home, as was discussed on another thread. She can apply for disability. She can try out options that allow her to work from home. She can cut back on luxury items in consideration to the fact that she does not work often.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with B_O, your gf's depression and obsessive thoughts have helped push this relationship down the tubes. Her thought process, the way she thinks and handles the problems now IS a problem. Throw in the insecurity issues as well..Suggest (CBT) therapy, hopefully she'll go.

 

I have to ask, does she understand the $$ pressure aspect?

 

Listen to your gut. This has nothing to do with love as I know you DO love her, but it's about how well you two have meshed together - You two may not be a good fit.

[reservoirdog1]

Thanks, otter and WWIU. Actually, GF acknowledges without hesitation that she needs to seek some IC to deal with her issues. Some of those issues, she acknowledges, "don't make her the easiest person to live with". Although, in the midst of that, she's very loving and affectionate, and never seeks to offend or hurt anybody. Quite the opposite. She has been taking antidepressants but they don't seem to be helping at all. Years ago she was put on several different ones and none of them helped either.

 

She does understand the money issue; god knows we've talked about it enough. Her health is the main obstacle on that front.

 

One of the things that's been a real issue lately has been my family's attitude towards her. GF doesn't get over things very easily when they upset her; she has difficulty letting things go. My parents weren't very receptive to her initially, displayed no interest in meeting her, etc. They basically saw her as a liability in my life; however, this stance has softened quite a bit, it seems, and they seem to be cautiously on board now, and have warmed up to her. My youngest sister likes GF a lot, but she lives across the country. My other sister responded very negatively to the news that we were moving in together, which caused the schism of a few months ago between her and us. There's little doubt in my mind that, if we split up, my parents will be secretly relieved. And my other sister will shyt herself in happiness. That's GF's view too, and this issue has cropped up repeatedly between us.

[annieo]

Thanks, otter and WWIU. Actually, GF acknowledges without hesitation that she needs to seek some IC to deal with her issues. Some of those issues, she acknowledges, "don't make her the easiest person to live with". Although, in the midst of that, she's very loving and affectionate, and never seeks to offend or hurt anybody. Quite the opposite. She has been taking antidepressants but they don't seem to be helping at all. Years ago she was put on several different ones and none of them helped either.

 

She does understand the money issue; god knows we've talked about it enough. Her health is the main obstacle on that front.

 

One of the things that's been a real issue lately has been my family's attitude towards her. GF doesn't get over things very easily when they upset her; she has difficulty letting things go. My parents weren't very receptive to her initially, displayed no interest in meeting her, etc. They basically saw her as a liability in my life; however, this stance has softened quite a bit, it seems, and they seem to be cautiously on board now, and have warmed up to her. My youngest sister likes GF a lot, but she lives across the country. My other sister responded very negatively to the news that we were moving in together, which caused the schism of a few months ago between her and us. There's little doubt in my mind that, if we split up, my parents will be secretly relieved. And my other sister will shyt herself in happiness. That's GF's view too, and this issue has cropped up repeatedly between us.

 

Is it possible that your family's issues have become your own? It sounds like they are a presence in your life/relationship, that maybe they don't have to be.

And about the fighting, I'd be a little on the edgy side if I thought my h was not really sure about us. She's feeling insecure. If you really love her, and want to make it work, you have to adopt a more positive, supportive attitude. If you can't do that, then don't drag out the agony.

[reservoirdog1]

Is it possible that your family's issues have become your own? It sounds like they are a presence in your life/relationship, that maybe they don't have to be.

Well, they are in my life, but my parents live several hours away from us. I don't speak to them more than once a week or so (not that I refuse to, it just works out that way). The sister who likes GF a lot lives across the country from us. The only one of my immediate family members who lives in the same geographical area as GF and me is the sister we're on the outs with.

 

And about the fighting, I'd be a little on the edgy side if I thought my h was not really sure about us. She's feeling insecure. If you really love her, and want to make it work, you have to adopt a more positive, supportive attitude. If you can't do that, then don't drag out the agony.

I agree, that makes sense. But it wasn't until just over two weeks ago that I told her how I was feeling, that all the fighting was making me feel unsure. For the 4 months prior to that, she thought things were great and that each fight was a self-contained episode to be gotten over, while for me they compounded into a big ball of stress, dissatisfaction, and uncertainty on my part.

 

One part of my own problem, as I mentioned above, is that I have no frame of reference of my own. Is a relationship in which the couple fight at least once a week still capable of being a healthy relationship? Or does that depend on the individuals involved, and how much of that they can handle without becoming miserable? I'm guessing the answers to those questions are "yes" and "yes".

[Touche]

First I want to address the question you asked about fighting too much. It's kind of like a person who asks if they have a drinking problem, in my mind. I've never known anyone who doesn't have a drinking problem to ask that question. So big red flag there.

 

Next, you say you fight once a week. How bad are these fights? How long do they last? Are they about the same things over and over? Because my understanding, and from my own experience, it's the latter that really matters. If you argue and resolve things, that's not so bad. But if you keep fighting about the SAME issues over and over, that's a very bad sign. It's a sign of an unhealthy relationship and one that is doomed.

 

As for the money issue. I don't fault you one bit. You have your own child (or is it children?) to take care of. Her financial burdens should NEVER come before your child's needs. Never. Red flag right there. Is she a grown woman or another dependent? Is she an equal partner? You're supposed to be a TEAM you know. You're supposed to ease each other's burdens...not add to them.

 

I don't blame you one bit for questioning this relationship. I'm sure she's a loving and sweet woman, but this has all the hallmarks of a mismatch if I ever saw one.

 

Why did you break up after only a few months of dating to begin with? That should have been your first warning that things are not the way they should be. I mean you broke up during the "honeymoon" period when people are on their best behavior usually. That should have told you something.

 

Also, your argument styles are way too diverse for this to ever work out. You have too many things going against you for this to ever work, I'm sorry to say. I mean even under the BEST of circumstances, do you know what the success rate is for a blended family? It's less than for a regular marriage. It's over 60% failure rate.

 

Marry this woman and I can guarantee you won't last three years. Better to cut your losses.

[reservoirdog1]

Hi everybody. You may have read my other recent posts; the relationship is over, as of two weeks ago. I've moved out. I'm posting in this thread, however, to ask for people's thoughts on a targeted question.

 

I have two kids, B7 and G10. Now-exGF has two, G3 and G10. Until the breakup, exGF's kids -- or at least one of them -- were with us almost full time. My kids were with us 2-3 days per week.

 

Given the breakup, and given that we're not living together anymore, what's the best way to deal with the reduction of time spent together? Especially with respect to exGF's 3-year-old?

 

The 3-year-old loves me to death. During the 9 months we've cohabited, she's seen much more of me than of her own father, who's frankly a total dick. ExGF and I have talked about how we'd like to keep the kids in each others' lives, at least on a reduced level. With that in mind, since I was going away today for a week to see my family, on Saturday I took the 3-year-old out for lunch and to a playground.

 

Anyway, exGF left me a very guilt-inducing voicemail yesterday evening, saying that the 3-year-old was walking around the house crying, asking for me. The voicemail ended with "I don't know what to do about this, and I'm not calling you for answers, but I just wanted you to know she was doing this." Which I realize is at least partly manipulative, but leaving that aside...

 

Does anybody have any thoughts about how to handle a breakup with respect to step-kids, especially younger ones? Should there be a gradual reduction of contact? A sudden no-contact? Does a contact after a week of no-contact drag the child -- especially the youngest -- backwards in their recovery?

 

If anybody has been through something similar, I'd really appreciate some insight. Thanks everybody.