Arguement not resolving

[bluepoppy]

Bit of background - which I posted on another board before Xmas.

 

My partner and I are climbers and mountaineers - so we are members of a climbing club and spend a lot of time driving to get to the great outdoors (usually Friday night after work - arrive midnight, leave Sunday late afternoon arrive midnight)

 

Before Xmas I had a drive from hell with him, where his top speed was 115mph on wet roads, he drove aggressively and skidded on a corner. (The problem was we got stuck in a traffic jam for an hour and half, so he was trying to make up time). We had quite a public row on arrival in front of people, as I threw all the toys out of my pram. Thing is, I've been iffy about his driving for a while, (he drives too fast and sees things late - not a good combo) - so this was the last straw.

 

Big row, things said, he did appologise - but we nearly spilt up over it. I've said I'm not doing any long journeys in his car unless he agrees to take it easy, and perhaps swap the driving round more. But I wasn't going to try and change him, and make him drive in a way he didn't want to, as long as he didn't try and change me, and try and make me tolerate speeds I can't cope with.

 

But it was a public row - it's going to cost him a lot of money (5 hour drives, 3 weekends out of four, are not cheap - so we do car share) - but people on trips are now transferring out of his car

 

We have two week long trips (further away, about 600 miles) coming up. The first one - the other driver has dropped out of his car (as she's heard about what happened even though I told her he's now on a mission to prove he's a safe driver to people) - so he's on his own driving wise.

 

The second one, there are too many cars, and I offered to go with him, but under my terms (keep the speed below 100 and swap round) - he said he can't promise to do that, and won't make a promise he can't keep.

 

It's going to cost him a lot of money. I know he will start to resent that people won't drive with him and blame me, rather than his driving for it. (human nature).

 

People in the climbing club expect us to resolve it - and yet I'm not sure how. I'm stubborn and he's very stubborn. and yet it won't ever go away unless we do. People will always ask why I'm not travelling with him, and I know that he is making an effort to prove his driving is safe to people (which did upset me as well, why try and prove it to others and not me).

 

Ideas ? It all comes down to how to communicate about our differences but I'm really not very good at that.

[Mr. Lucky]

Before Xmas I had a drive from hell with him, where his top speed was 115mph on wet roads, he drove aggressively and skidded on a corner.

Well, I was hoping at first, since you seem to be British, that you meant 115kph, but that doesn't seem to be the case. What your BF doesn't seem to understand is this - at 115mph, it's not about him but rather about the other drivers. They simply don't have enough time at that speed to react normally to the presence of his car and that could lead to perception-based errors that might have devasting consequences.

 

If he wants to kill himself, that's his choice. But if he kills you and the family of 4 in the other lane, that's something else entirely. Based on his attitude (can't promise to keep it under 100mph?), I'd walk away - and I don't just mean from the passenger seat of his car...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HisLove]

My exH was an aggressive and fast driver. Although he was a good driver and used to race in speedway. However, my trips as a passenger with him always made my blood pressure rise. So the way I coped with it was to look out the side window and not straight ahead lol. Never was in an accident with him, although sometimes my heart was in my throat.

 

He was an aggressive and impatient personality anyway, so I had to cope with this type of attitude outside of the car as well.

 

None of those comments help you I know.

 

Can you buy him a defensive driving course so if he's going to be reckless he can at least handle the car?

 

I guess you could make it a condition of future trips, in a bid to win back your friends and reduce costs, that YOU drive? I don't think it's going to work. But you either put up and shut up, or you drive, or you don't go with him. They are all going to piss him off.

Edited February 6, 2008 by HisLove

[bluepoppy]

Actually - I'm fine driving with other people, the speeds are reasonable and we all take shifts with the drive to spilt the burden (it's cheaper too to not be in a fast car). And happy to keep it that way - it's so less stressful. And yes, in all these years we haven't been in an accident (one near miss but he was going much faster than normal) -but that doesn't change that it scares me - and if your not true to yourself eventually there will be a huge outbrust etc.

 

What I'm more worried about is giving him the ability to retain his pride, ego etc - and give him the opportunity to resolve it.

 

At the moment people judge the fact his partner won't go into his car and follow that lead - so it's starting to cost him ££££. So there is a risk that he'll start to resent me for that (rather than accept that this is a direct result of his own actions - as it is partly a result of my actions too)

[HisLove]

bluepoppy, I certainly hear you about not wanting him to lose face. Of course you don't want that!!!

 

What about a one-on-one talk when you're snuggling in bed one night, maybe planning the next trip, where you say Honey, you terrify me the way you drive. I want to travel with you, but it really frightens me. Can you please slow down just to humour little old chicken me.

 

Would that work?

 

I have seen an ad for reducing speed that says better to be 10 minutes late, than dead on time.

[bluepoppy]

Sadly I'm dealing with someone a bit more stubborn than that. His ex wife (who left 10 years ago, so he should be over it) - used to emotionally blackmail him - if you loved me you'd do this, if you loved me you'd do that. - and she left him anyway (is now married to her step-father, but we don't talk about that).

 

So if he feels he's being manipulated to change something for someone else he digs in - as it echos on the fultility of the effort he made for her.

 

So I guess I need to manipulate him to resolve the problem and have him think he came up with the solution without him realising it.

 

Magic wand anyone ?

[sally4sara]

I can't imagine putting myself in potential pointless danger just to heal the ego of this guy. If you end up being the one who is right in this disagreement, there won't be any "yeah you were right" talks because at that speed everyone will be dead. Doing stupid things and carrying on like other people's comfort doesn't matter is fine when you are a child. You're a kid and cute and so everyone will love you anyway. As adults, we have to make considerations for others if we want their co-opporation and friendly regard.

The other part of what I'm wondering here, is better suited for the "what do you wish you understood about the opposite sex" thread cause I'm tired of men who let one female make them completely unreasonable.