Tomcat33 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I wholeheartedly agree with most of this. And that was, in part, what I was talking about. People get so caught up in the "every day" that they let things slip. But if someone feels their partner is letting things slip and they are feeling neglected, they should tell them. However, there are so many who are passive-aggressive. They'll bitch to their girlfriends or guy friends, but they won't have a talk with their SO about how they feel. Then when they hear supportive words from their friends, that just reinforces their feeling of entitlement to do something to make themselves feel better instead of doing something to make the M better. There is NEVER an excuse to cheat. Exactly!! So we were talking about the same thing all along. It really boils down to communication, life WILL get in the way but if you are making time to communicate I believe that at least compensates for what you are not able to give due life's demands. I'm afraid men are a bit worse for turning away to talk to others about how they feel rather than talking to their partners. But knowing this I think it is a woman's duty to help him open up, when resentment starts to set in between a man and woman he will pull away and he won't want open up to her, that's the bottom line... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Actually, in my life, I am NOW 100% sure. I wasn't before - as I believe I've said on more than one occasion. So the points you are attempting to make here do not apply for me personally. So now that he HAS cheated on you, you are 100% sure he won't cheat on you. Sorry but that makes no sense whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) So now that he HAS cheated on you, you are 100% sure he won't cheat on you. Sorry but that makes no sense whatsoever. I'm 100% sure. There's not the slightest particle of a chance that he'd do that again. I'm NOT saying that we couldn't break up. Pretty doubtful, but there's no guarantees . I have absolutely not a scrap of a worry that he would EVER cheat again, though. Also, complacency was never a part of our problems. Edited February 13, 2008 by silktricks Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I'm 100% sure. There's not the slightest particle of a chance that he'd do that again. I'm NOT saying that we couldn't break up. Pretty doubtful, but there's no guarantees . I have absolutely not a scrap of a worry that he would EVER cheat again, though. Also, complacency was never a part of our problems. C'mon there are no absolutes in life!! Unless your H had a Lorena Bobbit pulled on him, there is always a chance. But if you choose to believe it won't, then the more power to ya. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Gee, I wonder what happened to Tame? Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I think he got scared... too much for him to handle, probably? Would like an update though... Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) Actually, in my life, I am NOW 100% sure. I wasn't before - as I believe I've said on more than one occasion. So the points you are attempting to make here do not apply for me personally. I can understand this entirely. Even though at the time I though my marriage was unbreakable, I look back and realize that there were signs that I chose to ignore. I will never ignore signs of problems again. That goes for everything in life, my marriage, my kids, my job, everything. When my gut tells me something is not right, I will listen. I would like to believe that my H will never betray me, but can I be 100% positive? Not really as I don't have control over his actions. I am 100% sure that I will know if it happens again and I will leave. I can only be sure of my own actions. In a way the trust I have for him is stronger than it was before because I feel I know him better. When people talk about a WS being truthful after an affair, it's not just about getting facts about the affair, it's getting to the crux of the problem that caused the affair in the first place. During this process I feel I got to know the real person that I married, not the facade he thought he had to be. I love the real person more than the facade. Edited February 13, 2008 by herenow Link to post Share on other sites
openingup Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Great info, Tame. I think every woman who's ever been an OW knows this, but the urge to compete and "win" is so strong she ignores it. Rock on! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Gee, I wonder what happened to Tame? you cynic, owl = ) Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Great info, Tame. I think every woman who's ever been an OW knows this, but the urge to compete and "win" is so strong she ignores it. Rock on! great 'info' ???? okaaaaaaaaaaay Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Great info, Tame. I think every woman who's ever been an OW knows this, but the urge to compete and "win" is so strong she ignores it. Rock on! Knows what, exactly? That a couple of whackos who phone into a radio freak show are going to mouth off some weird opinions, and have those taken as representative views by some impressionable listener whose prejudice they supported? Yeah, I guess every woman who's ever been an OW knows that. Though what that has to do with competing and winning I'm not sure. Maybe I didn't get page 2 of that memo... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Gee, I wonder what happened to Tame? He's busy phoning radio freak shows with contentious opinions, to quote back as fact in some other forum... Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I must have missed that, came across as female to me Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 He's busy phoning radio freak shows with contentious opinions, to quote back as fact in some other forum... :lmao: But Tame is a chick, it is SO blatantly obvious she is female. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 :lmao: But Tame is a chick, it is SO blatantly obvious she is female. Must've use the hanky-over-the-phone trick to disguise her voice, then (or had a really bad headcold). Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I guess if someone wanted to see what MM/MW think of their OW/OM they can go check philanderers.com. The forums over there are designed entirely for married people who cheat to chit chat about their marriages and their affair partners, among other things. Every once in a while you'll see a single person posting about being with a married person. The advice the philanderers give is very telling as to how they feel about their own OW/OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I guess if someone wanted to see what MM/MW think of their OW/OM they can go check philanderers.com. The advice the philanderers give is very telling as to how they feel about their own OW/OM. Exactly, it's how SOME MM/MW feel about THEIR OW/OM Hardly conclusive and I wouldn't lend too much credence to the opinions of participants in a site named philanderers. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Must've use the hanky-over-the-phone trick to disguise her voice, then (or had a really bad headcold). :lmao::lmao: That just made me laugh out loud, too FUNNY OW. I guess if someone wanted to see what MM/MW think of their OW/OM they can go check philanderers.com. The forums over there are designed entirely for married people who cheat to chit chat about their marriages and their affair partners, among other things. Every once in a while you'll see a single person posting about being with a married person. The advice the philanderers give is very telling as to how they feel about their own OW/OM. Yeah I am sure it is as telling as it is to come on LS and see how the same old "Usual Suspects" feel about the opinions they have (I am talking both camps here not one camp in particular). It'll more than likely be a group of regular posters prob 10 max that have the exact same dynamic we have here. On a sidenote, and I could totally be jumping the gun but I wanna put it out there BEFORE I go, any site called "philanderers.com" to ME, would denote it houses predominantly repeat offenders not people in a one time A and struggling so I can already almost see what kind of people/vs/comments I will find there.... BUT I'll check it out for sure because curiosity does kill the cat and all that.... Link to post Share on other sites
JessieT Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Philanderers.com is interesting. They have threads about whether or not the MM/MW tell the truth to the OW/OM (usually yes), whether or not they still have sex with their SO (also usually yes but most don't like to do it right after the other especially women because of sloppy seconds), the heartbreak of losing an OW/OM (very sad) and whether or not they're going to leave their marriage (more often than you think). I was an OW and very rarely was I offended when I went there. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 OW never lend any credence to any opinions that put a negative spin on how a MM views them, much to their detriment I'm afraid. If folks would open their eyes to the truth *in most affair cases* sooner, they wouldn't waste years of their lives waiting for some married guy to leave his wife. I guess it doesn't matter what happens in some cases, I care about what happens in my case... And it happened for me, so that's from my viewpoint... I know it's hard to believe but MM do actually leave empty M's... Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 OW never lend any credence to any opinions that put a negative spin on how a MM views them, much to their detriment I'm afraid. If folks would open their eyes to the truth *in most affair cases* sooner, they wouldn't waste years of their lives waiting for some married guy to leave his wife. Not an OW, sorry (but you certainly are a piece of work aren't you sweetie ?) Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 I'm 100% sure. There's not the slightest particle of a chance that he'd do that again. I'm NOT saying that we couldn't break up. Pretty doubtful, but there's no guarantees . I have absolutely not a scrap of a worry that he would EVER cheat again, though. Also, complacency was never a part of our problems. Wow, it must be nice to feel so sure of that. I hope for your sake that he never proves you wrong. And I mean that sincerely! I can understand this entirely. Even though at the time I though my marriage was unbreakable, I look back and realize that there were signs that I chose to ignore. I will never ignore signs of problems again. That goes for everything in life, my marriage, my kids, my job, everything. When my gut tells me something is not right, I will listen. I would like to believe that my H will never betray me, but can I be 100% positive? Not really as I don't have control over his actions. I am 100% sure that I will know if it happens again and I will leave. I can only be sure of my own actions. In a way the trust I have for him is stronger than it was before because I feel I know him better. When people talk about a WS being truthful after an affair, it's not just about getting facts about the affair, it's getting to the crux of the problem that caused the affair in the first place. During this process I feel I got to know the real person that I married, not the facade he thought he had to be. I love the real person more than the facade. Help me understand. What convinces you that you're seeing the real person this time? Weren't you just as sure about him before the A? And it sounds like you're now on guard constantly, looking for those "signs" that something's not right. That doesn't sound like trust to me. I couldn't live like that, so it is really hard for me to see it through your eyes. Are you happy? I hope so. You both impress me as women with great capacity to forgive. It is more than I could ever accomplish. I sincerely hope that your H's love you both as much in return, and live up to your absolute faith in them. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 [quote=OpenBook;1536157 Help me understand. What convinces you that you're seeing the real person this time? Weren't you just as sure about him before the A? And it sounds like you're now on guard constantly, looking for those "signs" that something's not right. That doesn't sound like trust to me. I couldn't live like that, so it is really hard for me to see it through your eyes. Are you happy? I hope so. You both impress me as women with great capacity to forgive. It is more than I could ever accomplish. I sincerely hope that your H's love you both as much in return, and live up to your absolute faith in them. Of course you don't understand, you're not me. Did you ever consider the fact that it might take two people to change to make a marriage better? Could it be possible that we have both come out of this better people? Did I say that I was looking for signs? No, I said that I will never let my gut go unchecked. I also said that I will apply that rule to all areas of my life. Does that mean I'm always looking for something wrong? No, it means that I'm more in tune with my own feelings and that is something that I have learned to do better since MC. You could say that I didn't trust myself or my H very much and I'm now more trusting of both of us. What convinces me that I'm seeing the real person now? I can't even begin to explain it to you because I know based on others threads that you have commented on, you won't understand. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to live with that. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 OW never lend any credence to any opinions that put a negative spin on how a MM views them, much to their detriment I'm afraid. If folks would open their eyes to the truth *in most affair cases* sooner, they wouldn't waste years of their lives waiting for some married guy to leave his wife.Oh but I beg to differ. I have gone through a lot of pain by being the OW and when anyone comes to LS asking advice on whether they should jump into an A they've been considering I usually warn them of the roller coaster ride they're in for. I don't want to prevent anyone from finding their true love, but it is definitely a difficult road to take. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Oh I forgot to answer the question "Am I happy?" Yes I am! But, I think you (Open Book) are the one that said that I'm in denial and if I were happy I wouldn't even post here, so I really don't expect you to believe it. If that wasn't you that said that, sorry. Truth is, I really don't think there is anything I can say to you that will convince you that I am happy, and my happiness doesn't depend on your approval, so I will spare us the back and forth and just accept whatever it is you will say next. Link to post Share on other sites
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