How does the MM really feel about the OW?

[nellstar]

I don't doubt they were telling the truth, I don't see why they would lie about that infact. I do however think it's silly to base the intentions of ALL men who have had A, based on the claims of a handful of men that called in to a radio show. And you DID make that claim in your opening statment.

 

For all you know those callers could have never even been in the situation they could have been speaking hypothetically on how they "would feel IF in that situation", and just talked as if they had experienced it. There are many variables to the scenario before you can make a sweeping statment like "all men use women in affairs" based on that alone.

 

I have heard some men speak very poorly of women of how they use them and sleep with them and chuck them and basically have no respect for women who sleep with them too soon (for example) now if I were to claim ALL MEN use women, that would be a big assumption to make on the admission of a few men who actually do that.

 

Good point, Tomcat!

 

Not only that, OP assumed that I'm OW and wish me all the best

 

I like how some people turn it around and make it all good just to prove a point. I see that happen all the time but with you, Tomcat... I have read alot that whenever you're wrong... you admit to it. I really have respect for you!

[Tomcat33]

I think it's quite hard for some to comprehend that there is more to sex with OW.

 

Yes I've noticed this, here in stems the idea that all the comments and thoughts put forth are just born out of ignorance. Affairs are taboo, and no one talks about what they are about, most people don't really know about them until they have lived them or come into close contact with one then you learn about it. It's not like anything else in life where everywhere you look people are talking and sharing views on it.

 

It is quite hard for some people to comprehend how a man can have his life saved via the transplant of a new fully working heart, yet it happens all the time doesn't it?

 

Life is full of unexplained mysteries isn't it?

Edited February 6, 2008 by Tomcat33
typos

[nellstar]

Yes I've noticed this, here in stems the idea that all the comments and thoughts put forth are just born out of ignorance. Affairs are taboo, and no one talks about what they are about, most people don't really know about them until they have lived them or come into close contact with one then you learn about it. It's not like anything else in life where everywhere you look people are talking and sharing views on it.

 

It is quite hard for some people to comprehend how a man can have his life saved via the transplant of a new fully working heart, yet it happens all the time doesn't it?

 

Life is full of unexplained mysteries isn't it?

 

A friend of mine swore up and down that she'd never be an OW.. guess what? She ended being one.. for years too! I never understood why and how she could have gotten involved... but after listening and seeing what she had to go through..... it changed my views.

 

It's easy for people who are looking in to judge and say things, putting OW down... but really, save it. You know nothing unless you are in their shoes.

 

Anyway... enough T/J. I wouldn't want Tame's first thread ever to be closed because of me..

 

Oh one last thing, YES! Life is full of unexplained things... you got it, Tomcat!!

[herenow]

Tomcat, if your earlier post was saying that topics like this are good radio and people don't want to hear the every day common stories, I agree with you!!!

 

Most good radio shows are built around topics that have some sort of controversy.

 

On the point of the thread however, I do believe that there are men who fall in love with their OW. Those are the ones that leave the marriage. When a man stays married and continues to have an OW on the side, I find it hard to believe that he loves either woman. So, in reality the answers to the questions ask on this radio show would seem to be genuine.

[Impudent Oyster]

So what if it's a LDR? How does that work when there isn't any physical thing going on?

 

Men still get a huge ego boost from someone sending them flattering emails.

 

That survey doesn't surprise me at all, I know my H didn't have any feelings for the exOW, he just loved the flattery and attention she heaped on him.

 

After he broke it off with her and she spilled the beans, he's still kicking himself for being such a fool.

 

If the MM really cared about the OW he would leave the wife and make an honest woman of her rather than keeping her a dirty little secret. It's completely disrespectful for a man to deny his relationship.

[Impudent Oyster]

On the point of the thread however, I do believe that there are men who fall in love with their OW. Those are the ones that leave the marriage. .

 

I believe it too, but it's very few and far between.

 

And you're right, those men do leave their marriages (rather than being booted out by their wives).

[Tomcat33]

Good point, Tomcat!

 

Not only that, OP assumed that I'm OW and wish me all the best

 

I like how some people turn it around and make it all good just to prove a point. I see that happen all the time but with you, Tomcat... I have read alot that whenever you're wrong... you admit to it. I really have respect for you!

 

 

Thanks Nellstar!

 

I guess where I have a big problem is when I see someone that is really big on having things done a certain way for them in their life and that's fine I respect people's passion towards their morals, values and life choices what really irks me though is when someone says "based on my beliefs and what I have heard, X is YOUR reality" NO one knows what another person's reality is.

 

Over the course of my stay here on LS I have spoken to quite a few people on IM here who had been involved in affairs and were in the cheater's shoes and let me tell you, much to my surprise they had very real emotions for their OP they struggled immensely with having to let go and do the right thing to go back to their families and while they loved and wanted to set things straight with their betrayed spouses they still had a whole other chunk of their heart that is messed up over the loss of their OP and this is YEARS after the fact. It's no joking matter, and while there are those many cases where people were just being used for whatever reason there were also a lot of other cases where it got emotionally very messy for all inlolved.

 

You just can't generalise... as much as you want to, and trust me even I was guilty of that and I LIVED an A on both ends, you simply can't.

[Lyssa]

I know a few OW here whose MM is in the so-called 10%. Yup, those who are in love with OW do leave their M.

[Impudent Oyster]

For example a guy will call in and talk about how he secretly thinks his W is a cow and he thinks of porn chicks while he does her,

 

I bet that guys wife secretly thinks he's a pig and thinks of the dirty laundry when he does her...

[Tame]

I don't doubt they were telling the truth, I don't see why they would lie about that infact. I do however think it's silly to base the intentions of ALL men who have had A, based on the claims of a handful of men that called in to a radio show. And you DID make that claim in your opening statment.

 

For all you know those callers could have never even been in the situation they could have been speaking hypothetically on how they "would feel IF in that situation", and just talked as if they had experienced it. There are many variables to the scenario before you can make a sweeping statment like "all men use women in affairs" based on that alone.

 

I have heard some men speak very poorly of women of how they use them and sleep with them and chuck them and basically have no respect for women who sleep with them too soon (for example) now if I were to claim ALL MEN use women, that would be a big assumption to make on the admission of a few men who actually do that.

 

A big assumption to make based on facts. We are not taking about random men who use women for sex. We are talking about MM who are having sex with someone besides his wife. Can you explain to me how it is that MM rarely to never leave their wives for the OW yet you believe it is assumption that the relationship is a farse? If the relationship were really a relationship and based on mutual trust, respect, understanding and deep love, then why is the man still with his wife? If you know anything at all about men you know that they will cross hell and high water to be with a women b/c a man who loves a women does not want to risk losing her to any man, that is why they get married. If you have been carrying on a relationship with a man who is also cheating on you WITH HIS WIFE then why in the world would you assert that your relationship is based on anything deeper than sex?

[marlena]

I think H was "in love" w/ how she made him feel, not for who she was.

 

This IS love in or out of an affair. Love is ALL about making the other person happy and is so doing make yourself happy. And this is WHO the person is...someone who knows how to make another human being happy. This in my book is an admirable quality.

[Tame]

A big assumption to make based on facts. We are not taking about random men who use women for sex. We are talking about MM who are having sex with someone besides his wife. Can you explain to me how it is that MM rarely to never leave their wives for the OW yet you believe it is assumption that the relationship is a farse? If the relationship were really a relationship and based on mutual trust, respect, understanding and deep love, then why is the man still with his wife? If you know anything at all about men you know that they will cross hell and high water to be with a women b/c a man who loves a women does not want to risk losing her to any man, that is why they get married. If you have been carrying on a relationship with a man who is also cheating on you WITH HIS WIFE then why in the world would you assert that your relationship is based on anything deeper than sex?

 

You act as if I have made up my mind about EMA's solely based on what was said on the radio today (which clearly can't be the case b/c these were also my opinions yesterday and last month) when we both know you could care less about whether or not what was said on the radio was true. You actually take issue with my assertion that most MM could care less about their OW and likely use them for sex. I have allowed for exceptions but if their reasons for being with another woman were more than that more than 10% of them would leave their wives. I didn't learn that from listening to the radio, I learned that from living.

[herenow]

A big assumption to make based on facts. We are not taking about random men who use women for sex. We are talking about MM who are having sex with someone besides his wife. Can you explain to me how it is that MM rarely to never leave their wives for the OW yet you believe it is assumption that the relationship is a farse? If the relationship were really a relationship and based on mutual trust, respect, understanding and deep love, then why is the man still with his wife? If you know anything at all about men you know that they will cross hell and high water to be with a women b/c a man who loves a women does not want to risk losing her to any man, that is why they get married. If you have been carrying on a relationship with a man who is also cheating on you WITH HIS WIFE then why in the world would you assert that your relationship is based on anything deeper than sex?

 

The part that these men who call in to the radio show are not saying, is why they are having sex with an OW in the first place. They need to be getting something other than just the sex to be able to carry on anything more than a short fling. I think that in most cases, the MM is getting some sort of emotional high from the OW. To say that they have no emotion at all is a reach. I don't think it's unreasonable to say that they don't "love" the OW, but I do think the MM is addicted to how the OW makes him feel about himself for whatever reason. I also believe that the affair is all about how the MM feels and has nothing to do with his wife or the OW or how he feels about either of them.

[Tomcat33]

Most good radio shows are built around topics that have some sort of controversy.

 

On the point of the thread however, I do believe that there are men who fall in love with their OW. Those are the ones that leave the marriage. When a man stays married and continues to have an OW on the side, I find it hard to believe that he loves either woman. So, in reality the answers to the questions ask on this radio show would seem to be genuine.

 

Hello HN long time no see, I agree with all your points and I never said the answers were not genuine I explained that later in the thread not sure if you caught it.

 

I know a few OW here whose MM is in the so-called 10%. Yup, those who are in love with OW do leave their M.

 

Hi sweetie {{{{{{hugs}}}} I have not forgotten you 10%, 3% all these numbers, yet not cold hard facts.

 

 

I bet that guys wife secretly thinks he's a pig and thinks of the dirty laundry when he does her...

 

Honestly I have not given it that much thought really, I take a lot of the callers that call into that show with a whole packet of salt never mind a grain... I find those caller to be pretty lowly anyway so their admissions are entertaining at best but as people they seem completely sad to me nonetheless.

 

 

A big assumption to make based on facts. We are not taking about random men who use women for sex. We are talking about MM who are having sex with someone besides his wife. Can you explain to me how it is that MM rarely to never leave their wives for the OW yet you believe it is assumption that the relationship is a farse? If the relationship were really a relationship and based on mutual trust, respect, understanding and deep love, then why is the man still with his wife? If you know anything at all about men you know that they will cross hell and high water to be with a women b/c a man who loves a women does not want to risk losing her to any man, that is why they get married. If you have been carrying on a relationship with a man who is also cheating on you WITH HIS WIFE then why in the world would you assert that your relationship is based on anything deeper than sex?

 

 

All valid points you bring up however all has been discussed to death, I for one don't wish to rehash the same old broken record re. these comments/questions you just made quite frankly I am bored to tears with talking about it, but if you check past threads you can see all sorts of comments on it. No offense Tame. Maybe someone else wants to answer all that? I honestly don't have it in me anymore...

 

Look my guy left his W eventually and got the D and now he wants me back in fact he never stopped wanting me but I am over him. I suppose that should five you some insight into what my stance is or maybe not at all....?

Men do leave marriages to be with their OW some do it sooner some later, some can get over the affair and go back to the marriage full force and better than ever some can't, it's just the way the cookie crumbles.

But stats are weak.

[OWoman]

I will continue to believe there is a reason MM don't leave their wives

 

Mine did.

[Tame]

The part that these men who call in to the radio show are not saying, is why they are having sex with an OW in the first place. They need to be getting something other than just the sex to be able to carry on anything more than a short fling. I think that in most cases, the MM is getting some sort of emotional high from the OW. To say that they have no emotion at all is a reach. I don't think it's unreasonable to say that they don't "love" the OW, but I do think the MM is addicted to how the OW makes him feel about himself for whatever reason. I also believe that the affair is all about how the MM feels and has nothing to do with his wife or the OW or how he feels about either of them.

 

All valid points. I did say that one guy said there must be some feelings involved or they wouldn't be able to carry on the affair. I have also said that MM use the OW for emotional support and definitely for ego boosting. I know of OW who have slept with MM for money, gifts, etc. without ever considering falling for the MM. It was more like a I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine kind of thing. While I think that is glorified prostitution, if I just HAD to have an affair with a MM, I would get all I could out of it w/o getting emotionally involved. The problem is that many women do get emotionally involved and it is sometimes difficult if not impossible to get them to see that they are living in a fantasy and this 'man of their dreams' will never really be theres. That's when it gets really, really sad.

[herenow]

As weird as this may sound coming from a BS, I believe that there are more MM that do leave their marriages that are not part of the stats. I think that there are some men that don't fess up to the fact that there is an OW when they leave the marriage. But, even if the stats are higher because of what we will never know, the fact remains that most MM who really love the OW and want to be with them, do leave the marriage eventually.

 

A man who has such little respect for his wife, himself and the OW to engage in an affair in the first place is going to do what is best for him all around. If this type of man wants to leave his marriage to be with an OW, nothing is going to stop him, not even his kids. In my opinion any man who cares enough about his kids to stay married to a woman his doesn't love, isn't going to have an affair in the first place. This is just my opinion, so feel free to disagree.

[OWoman]

If you think sleeping with someone else's husband is a good way to find love and is as successful as other methods like, dating a single man and eventually marrying him, then good on you.

 

Actually it's worked out even more successful for me.

[herenow]

Hello HN long time no see, I agree with all your points and I never said the answers were not genuine I explained that later in the thread not sure if you caught it.

 

Wait a second, I agree with you, you agree with me. What's this world coming to?

[Tame]

As weird as this may sound coming from a BS, I believe that there are more MM that do leave their marriages that are not part of the stats. I think that there are some men that don't fess up to the fact that there is an OW when they leave the marriage. But, even if the stats are higher because of what we will never know, the fact remains that most MM who really love the OW and want to be with them, do leave the marriage eventually.

 

A man who has such little respect for his wife, himself and the OW to engage in an affair in the first place is going to do what is best for him all around. If this type of man wants to leave his marriage to be with an OW, nothing is going to stop him, not even his kids. In my opinion any man who cares enough about his kids to stay married to a woman his doesn't love, isn't going to have an affair in the first place. This is just my opinion, so feel free to disagree.

 

Good point. And any man who is worth bragging about is going to correct his situation at home before seeking solice, sex, friendship elsewhere. IMO.

[herenow]

We get it, OWoman. You feel you have somehow 'won' and are the exception to the rule. We get it. Congrats.

 

Will you ever move on past being the other woman, though? It seems you keep holding on to that stigma, even naming yourself OWoman. Isn't it time you changed your name to Main Squeeze or something more current? Or do you feel you will always be the other woman?

 

 

OK, this is how I feel and I apologize if it comes out rude. I think for some reason OWoman just wants to let all of us know that she has beat the odds. I think it's a bit "in your face", but that is what I get from reading her posts. I'm sure OWoman has a different opinion, but like I said this is how her posts come across to me. As they say, it's a free forum!

[Tomcat33]

I can't tell you are bored to tears with the topic b/c you keep posting. If 10 replies to a topic equal boredom I'd hate to see a thread you post on that you care about.

 

Again, I did not ask nor was I concerned with your personal situation. If you think sleeping with someone else's husband is a good way to find love and is as successful as other methods like, dating a single man and eventually marrying him, then good on you. Go on with your bad self, I hope if you do take your MM back he is faithful to you. Lord knows he has an excellent track record.

 

 

I am bored to tears with debating/0discussing this:

 

We are talking about MM who are having sex with someone besides his wife. Can you explain to me how it is that MM rarely to never leave their wives for the OW yet you believe it is assumption that the relationship is a farse? If the relationship were really a relationship and based on mutual trust, respect, understanding and deep love, then why is the man still with his wife? If you know anything at all about men you know that they will cross hell and high water to be with a women b/c a man who loves a women does not want to risk losing her to any man, that is why they get married. If you have been carrying on a relationship with a man who is also cheating on you WITH HIS WIFE then why in the world would you assert that your relationship is based on anything deeper than sex?

 

Your thread topic is still mildly entertaining for me, you'll know when I get bored with it.

 

Go on with your bad self, I hope if you do take your MM back he is faithful to you.

 

Brace yourself for this comment because you are NOT going to believe this but I am really not all that bad, and don't just take it from me because I have a pretty healthy self image, but in my life I have a lot of wonderful people who's assesment of me is what matters most and they seem to think I pass the "test". Really when it comes down to it you should only concern yourself with the people that matter to you most, the rest, people are people...what can you do? You can always file it under "life's little msyteries"?

 

 

 

As weird as this may sound coming from a BS, I believe that there are more MM that do leave their marriages that are not part of the stats. I think that there are some men that don't fess up to the fact that there is an OW when they leave the marriage. But, even if the stats are higher because of what we will never know, the fact remains that most MM who really love the OW and want to be with them, do leave the marriage eventually.

 

A man who has such little respect for his wife, himself and the OW to engage in an affair in the first place is going to do what is best for him all around. If this type of man wants to leave his marriage to be with an OW, nothing is going to stop him, not even his kids. In my opinion any man who cares enough about his kids to stay married to a woman his doesn't love, isn't going to have an affair in the first place

 

 

Yeah I think so too, there are are people who D and have someone else on the side and no one knows about it. As I also think that there are men/women who regret their actions and truly made a mistake in having an affair and want to do everything to show their spouses how sorry they are and how much they really do love their spouses, these people do stay and make it work and the A really was a mistake never to be committed again. As long as a choice is made and they stick to the choice that pretty much denotes where the person's head is at. It's the wafflers that you really have to put under the magnifying glass, they are small people that really need to be looked at in more detail, or disposed of. One of the two....

[silktricks]

I also believe that the affair is all about how the MM feels and has nothing to do with his wife or the OW or how he feels about either of them.

 

Well, I can't say that I completely disagree with what you are saying, but I think you are diminishing some things. To say the affair has nothing to do with either the wife or the OW is - I believe - not looking at the whole picture. It makes it easier to demonise the MM - who usually is not really a bad person, just a person who is not dealing with a situation in an honest way.

[Tomcat33]

Well, I can't say that I completely disagree with what you are saying, but I think you are diminishing some things. To say the affair has nothing to do with either the wife or the OW is - I believe - not looking at the whole picture. It makes it easier to demonise the MM - who usually is not really a bad person, just a person who is not dealing with a situation in an honest way.

 

 

I don't know what fraction of the time he is a good person or simply a rotten person. Again, case by case...

[herenow]

Well, I can't say that I completely disagree with what you are saying, but I think you are diminishing some things. To say the affair has nothing to do with either the wife or the OW is - I believe - not looking at the whole picture. It makes it easier to demonise the MM - who usually is not really a bad person, just a person who is not dealing with a situation in an honest way.

 

 

I find this interesting because in most of the post d-day threads, it is common for the OW to say that the BS should only blame the MM. I happen to agree with that and I do believe that affairs are all about what the MM is missing and how he is dealing with his own issues. But I agree to disagree with what you are saying. Or maybe we are saying the same thing in different way, I just don't know.