Husbands Phone Etiquette!!!

[redfathom]

I get so pissed off at my H when he does this. Sometimes when talking on the phone he will ask, in one form or another, "what's up" as in why did you call me.

 

I get so annoyed by it. Like this morning, we normally see each other for about five or so minutes in the morning when I am leaving for work and he is coming home, this week I have to be in to work early so I called him a little bit ago to say good morning before he goes to bed.

 

The whole time he was talking I could barely hear him and he was mumbling into the phone. Then after about a minute of him talking, telling me work was busy and that is is very tired (like four times) I get this:

 

Him - "So what's up?"

Me - "Nothing, I just did not see you this morning so I thought I would call and say hi."

Him - "Oh it sounded like you had something to say."

Me - "No, we usually call one another when we don't see each other before I leave for work."

Him - "Oh, okay, well maybe I will catch you one day."

Me - " I will see you tonight."

Him - "Yeah I know, I just meant one of these morning."

Me - "I have to be in early all this week." (Which I have already told him two times).

Him - "Oh, okay. Sorry I am just so tired."

Me - "Well I better get to work."

 

It pisses me off to no end when he ask's me "what's up" like I am some person he cut ties to and am now a pest for calling. Does there have to be a firm reason why I called other then to see how work was.

 

How should I approch him about this? I want to be firm but not insulting. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

When he says what's up, say "the sky"...

I don't think he means anything by it, it's just him. I bet he does this with everyone.

 

Why not mix it up abit and send him a sexy email at work or something..

 

Just tell him how it makes you feel. Does he seem irritated while you two are talking? That would be more of an indication than him saying what's up.

[Nemo]

Buy him an iPhone. Those things are so cool that you just can't stop talking.

[amaysngrace]

I hate to say this but you've become predictable. He expects your call and he's starting to dread your call. Too mundane.

 

Tomorrow don't call him at all. That will fix him.

[redfathom]

Whichway, I have actually had a conversation with him about how I don't like it when he asks that question. He does seem irritated like I am inturrputing him.

 

Nemo, He hates trhe ipone, but that's a good suggestion.

 

Amay, I guess we are both predictable, we have been married for 7.5 years. Last week he was on business travel and I called him to say goodnight and he was brushing his teeth, I told him I would wait but he hing up the phone. I waited 20 minutes then called him back and he said he forgot to call me back and was shaving and getting this ready. I started to pout (yeah, I know lame) and he told me to stop acting like that and I said I would if he would stop forgetting to call me back and he said, if he remembered he would, but he forgot. I was hurt because he acted like my time was not valuable. He did bring me flowers when he got home from the trip.

 

I am really tired of always being the nice one and because I am so nice I let him get away with the way he treats me. Since I have started to change I have noticed that I too have a lack of interest in him and the relationship. Do you think he is uninterested because he is loosing some control and I am uninterested in him because I have lost the desire to please him?

 

My other question: do you think I am overreacting or am I reacting to something else and using this as a facade for a bigger issue?

[amaysngrace]

If you can't get the spark back on your own I would recommend seeing a marriage counselor.

 

I'm sure they deal with it daily, what you're going through.

 

I believe lots of marriages grow old long before the people in it do.

 

The only one suggestion I have is to take up a new hobby, join a group that interests you, and find yourself in that way. If you are more content with life then the marriage would be viewed differently by you because it'll be a happier you viewing it.

 

Also too, it sounds as if you and your husband are on different shifts. That makes it harder IMO too. When you don't see the person as much you can get use to them not being around and have resentment towards them when they are. Especially after the amount of time you two have been together.

 

Marriage is a lot of work. The trick is to grow together rather than grow apart.

[redfathom]

Amay, We did marriage counseling after we seperated for about a month last year (I moved out) we went three times then my H decided that he did not want to go to MC, but wanted to go to IC and said that once he fixes himself our marriage will be fine.

 

I actually have a lot of hobbies, I figure skate 1-2 times a week and take an art class 1 day a week.

 

We have had the discussion about me growing (being 18 when we got marries and now 25) I have changed a lot. I did tell him that we needed to grow together because I am growing and will and he said that he was not growing.

 

We are both pretty respectful of each others space, I encourage him to do things he likes and he is okay when my hobbies take me away from spending what little time toegther we can.

 

Here is one problem, every six months his days off change which they just did three weeks ago. So we go from not having any days off together for six months to aving the weekends off together. I think we sometimes get resentful that we no longer have alone time. I know I do a bit. I feel guilty about it. Maybe I should refrain from calling him when I am at work so he can have some alone time.

[whichwayisup]

Let him call you. Get out of the habit of calling him routinely, I bet he'll realize you haven't called, and it'll stop and make him think, maybe even pick up the phone and call you.

[redfathom]

He does call me, it might be equal actually. He was the one who called me while he was out of town: in the morning, at his first break, at his lunch break and after his class was out. Maybe I shoul just cut him some slack and stop being so emotional about this one small issue.

[melodymatters]

He does call me, it might be equal actually. He was the one who called me while he was out of town: in the morning, at his first break, at his lunch break and after his class was out. Maybe I shoul just cut him some slack and stop being so emotional about this one small issue.

 

 

Well yeah, I was kind of thinking that too, especially seeing as I am a " whats up" person too !! BF, mom, kid, it's "hey, whats up" ? Doesn't mean I don't love them !

[amaysngrace]

I think it's because you know it's going to be a while before you guys can spend time together like you've been. And it's stressing you out.

 

So little things are gonna bother you more.

Edited February 6, 2008 by amaysngrace

[redfathom]

Melody, do you say it after you have been on the phone with the person for over a minute, or i that how you answer the phone?

[sunshinegirl]

Some people just aren't phone people, too. Keep that in mind.

 

I used to gab with friends for hours on end on the phone. Now I hate phone calls. They're useful to exchange information ("where are you? I can't find you in this crowd") or ("what do we need at the store tonight?") but now I pretty much hate chit chatting. So after a certain point in the call, I might just ask "what's up? was there a specific reason you called?"

 

It's no reflection on how I feel about the person. It's a reflection on how I feel about phone calls.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

I dated this older gentleman last year who used to answer the phone with a "hi, how are you?" and as soon as I answered his initial question I got the "so...what's up? what's happening?" I used to get aggravated because I thought it was a very informal way to talk to me. I started to feel as if he just wasn't interested in me. Then, I heard him on the phone with his daughter and he used exactly the same words. I never fussed at him again.

[Enema]

I hate talking on the phone with my SO.

 

Just not a phone person. If i know she's going to call, I dread it because I never have anything to say.

 

I can talk to you face to face just fine... but phones don't work for me.

 

He doesn't mean anything by it, he just doesn't like phone conversations about nothing.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

i'm not big on talking on the phone. when people call me and then proceed to not really talk about anything, or there's a lull, i do tend to say something like 'so what's up' or 'what's new' or something.

 

i mean, really, face it, when something is lagging, anything really...don't you want to give it a push to move it along? i know i do, maybe it's just me.

 

it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or doesn't want to hear from you, but if you call and there's nothing to talk about, it is kind of like...okay, well what's the point? see you at home!

 

i wouldn't take offense to it. as others have said, try not calling him, maybe he'll call you.

 

if you still feel the need to call him even there's nothing to say, try to keep it to every other day or something like that. that way he won't be annoyed by the nothingness, and you won't have to feel as bad.

Edited February 7, 2008 by KenzieAbsolutely

[SunnySideUp]

redfathom

 

I'm in the same boat as sunshinegirl, I HATE talking on the phone, to anyone and everyone. I also use it just as a way to exchange information. I hate it so much I get annoyed with the people who call me a lot. I love my husband more than anyone else in the world and I still don't like talking to him on the phone. I think he knows that and we usually call each other just to exchange info.

 

Have you heard of or read "the dance of anger" or "the dance of intimacy"? These are two books I read when I was having lots of issues with my husband's behavior, and they really made an impact on me. Our marriage has been much better since I've read them (and saw a counselor...). They basically talk about how when one person is putting more than their fair share of effort into an aspect of the relationship, the other person stops putting in their share, because they don't have to; their share is already being taken care of by the other person. Usually (and I've tested this, it really works) when the person who's overcompensating stops doing so, the other person starts doing their share (sometimes after a bit of struggle).

[melodymatters]

To answer your earler question Red, I say it at both times depending on what they are saying. Sometimes they'll call and say "Hey" and I'll immediately follow with Hey, what's up. Other times, after a bit of back and forth " Oh, Ive been trying to reach you" Oh, I've been so busy", when there's a lull, I'll THEN add the " whats up"

 

I always do this in a FRIENDLY manner mind you ! And, I always feel like I am the social director in most of my interactions, and also direct, write and produce theatre as part of making a living, so I am always aware of the sense of timing and vocal intonation of these things.

 

Hope this helped instead of making it more confusing ! I CAN tell you, I will now notice when I do it for the next few days !

[redfathom]

Hi all, thanks for the replies.

 

I too am not a phone person, in fact I will sometimes let the phone go to VM if I just don't feel like talking at the moment so I can understand that.

 

I did ask my H about it and I explained that to me it made me feel like he did not want to talk to me and he said that was not the case and he did not mean for it to come off like that. He told me he loves to talk to me but sometimes he is busy, distracted or just tired. I told him I understood his side and he understood my side.

 

He did call me twice last night while I was out. Then he called me this morning, so he does call me quit a bit. I think we should both announce when we don't have a lot of time to talk and be understanding of that.

 

Kenzie, I don't think I should feel bad about it, that is kind of why I am upset, why do I need to feel bad, guilty, hurt when I call my H to wish him a good morning.

 

Sunnyside, I think I will check out those books, I 100% agree with the someone puts in more so the other person puts in less.

 

Melody, thanks for answering the question. I guess the tone I got from my husband was not friendly but annoyed. There would also be less lull if the conversation was not always so one sided (him talking about his day). We did have a conversation once, we were at dinner and I was telling him about my friend and he was 100% distracted, looking around the restuarnt, etc. I kept talking because he was not interacting with me or responding. When I asked him about it, he said: I want to hear about your day, but I don't need a play by play.

[amaysngrace]

When I asked him about it, he said: I want to hear about your day, but I don't need a play by play.

 

Yeah the one thing that bores the crap out of me is having a conversation about a conversation.

 

Talk about people who love to hear themselves speak.

[redfathom]

Amay, so should I have not brought up that while I was telling him about my day and he tuned out what I was saying and that I felt disrespected by that?

[amaysngrace]

Amay, so should I have not brought up that while I was telling him about my day and he tuned out what I was saying and that I felt disrespected by that?

 

Talk about whatever you want to talk about but personally I get bored easily when people do that. I'd rather have a conversation with someone that didn't involve what so and so said and then I said this and then so and so said that....

 

I'm like...who cares?

 

But that's just me. I'd rather talk to someone than have to listen to them go on and on just to get what needs to be said in the first place...the gist of the conversation.

 

Again...that's just me.

[redfathom]

I tried that for a few days later, he would ask me how my day was and I would say: "fine" or "good" etc. Then he got upset because I was being short with him. So I reminded him that he did not want a play by play of my day. You know what happened after that to present, I don't tell him things anymore. Even important things that happened, like: I had a review at wok, I made plans to go out with so and so, I talked to the mortgage company about X, I pulled my credit report and their is false information on it, etc. Important things get lost and unsaid.

 

How are you suppose to have a relationship with someone when you don't share in the everyday, joy's or dissapointments in your life.

 

Like when I stopped talking to one of my best friends who dated his brother because she stopped taking birth controll pills to get pregnant with out telling him, needless to say he was upset that for over four months I did not tell him about all of this. He found out when his other brother and I were talking about it around him.

 

I think that if you care about someone you should care about what goes on in their life. It's not like I was telling him: so today, I filed some paperwork, then I made some coffee for clients but then Sally took it all and I had to make another pot and I was on hold with the airlines for 30 minutes, gosh they have the worst customer service, etc.

 

What might seem insignificant to you is important to the person who is opening up to you about it.

[lovelorcet]

Ok, so I just read the post at the start of the thread and skimmed through some of the responses. I am assuming that there is not some huge background story here...

 

As a man there are many times I hate talking on the phone. If she calls me out of the blue then I want to know what the reason is. I call someone when I have a reason to, with the exception on my mother (who lives an ocean away) other than that I do not call.

 

If my gf were to call me right now I would say, "what's up?"

[amaysngrace]

Okay gotcha. From what you say it sounds like he doesn't want to hear anything about what you're doing. And that's not good. It's called a breakdown of communication.

 

Did you guys ever communicate really well and then all of a sudden he clammed up and wishes now you would? Or has it been like this since the beginning?

 

Maybe you both just need a lesson in effective communication? Because what maybe worked seven years ago isn't necessarily going to work today or even seven years from now.

 

You've both matured some.