Lishy Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Hi I have a bit of a problem My son is 11 and just started secondary school. He is very happy at his school. The problem is that I have a good friend who I invite over alot as our sons are friends and get along well and go to the same school. My son is a very friendly boy who is not mean and nasty, he is alos quite immature for his age - He is being tested for ADHD and I am 80% sure he has it. He does not have a bad temper he is just full of ebergy and lacks concentration. His immaturity also hinders his friendships as other kids get bored of his messing aorund and silliness at times. I love my son like nothing else in the world. When he came out of school today he told me that when him and my friends son went swimming on Saturday, his friend kept teasing him about his ears (they stick out but they make him look cuter) Now in my eyes a friend does not say these things to another friend and it must have upset my son as he is saying that he obviously does not have any friends as this particular friend is now teasing him. My question is this, should I talk to my friend about it? My son at first said that I could and now he is saying for me not to. The thing is that I dont want this kid in my house anymore if he is going to say these things - It is not the first time he has been mean to my son. I dont want this to come in between me and my friend but I am angry with her boy. What do I do? HELP!!!!!
HotPink Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Is your son as affected as you are about this? Children are very resiliant so leave it a few days and see how your son feels. Also give him some ideas on how to deal with taunts i.e if someone say's he has big ears then tell him to reply "all the better to hear you with" and tell him not to show them it hurts and then they will stop It is only fun to tease others when you get a reaction.
marlena Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Lishy, I'd let it slide for now. Kids are very resilient indeed. One minute they are teasing and taunting and the next minute they are the best of friends. Kids need to fight their own battles up to a point. I agree with the previous poster that you should perhaps teach him how to reply to taunts of this kind. Being flippant about them is the best way. Of course, this would imply a certain type of personality which I don't know if your son possesses. Try not to worry too much about it unless of course this is causing prolonged agony to your son. If he is CONSTANTLY being bullied by this friend then yes, you will have to step in. Personally, I would talk to the kid and tell him real friends do not make fun of eachother. Best not get your friend involved unless of course this takes a turn for the worse. Then, yes, tell the mother.
Art_Critic Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 My question is this, should I talk to my friend about it? No... Let your son deal with this.. let his skin toughen up on it's own.. He is old enough to learn that you won't be there for him at every single turn and he will have to just deal with it.. As a parent one thing you have to remember is the best thing to do sometimes is let them handle things.. You have brought him up a certain way.. So let the good parenting you have used on him kick in.. Kids that age can be real mean at certain times for the weirdest of reasons.. chances are that a week or 2 from now it will all be forgotten..
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Don't get involved. This is something all kids go through, and he has to learn to how to handle it by either ignoring it and (pretending) it doesn't bother him or he can laugh it off and make fun of himself which inturn shows the boy who is making fun of him, that what he says doesn't bug him. Now in my eyes a friend does not say these things to another friend Yes, but your son is 11 years old and most boys (and course girls too) insult eachother, it's just a part of growing up. Be glad he's a boy because girls are much MUCH meaner with their insults.
marlena Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Be glad he's a boy because girls are much MUCH meaner with their insults. Ah, so true!!!! I wonder, are we the meaner sex? Tme to start a new thread!
Art_Critic Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Be glad he's a boy because girls are much MUCH meaner with their insults. Boy.. you're telling me.. When I was 10 I had a girl tell me Mr Wiggles was tiny.. of course that was only after showing it to her
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 The thing is that I dont want this kid in my house anymore if he is going to say these things - It is not the first time he has been mean to my son. Kids will be kids, and you can't let that get in the way and not invite him over. What you can do though is, when he is over and if you hear him being mean to your son, you can say "In this house we don't talk like that." Be curt, but not intimidating.
MakeLemonade Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I would tend to agree with the other replies here, he really is old enough to fight his own battles. I was teased alot growing up, I had hip dysplasia and while I finally outgrew it in my late teens/early 20's - it haunted me in my elementary, and especially Jr. High - which was just an all-around nightmare for me. I walked kinda pigeon-toed until I outgrew it. You don't know how many times I had wished my mom was there to tell these kids off that were mocking me and walking messed up, more so than I ever did in RL to tease me. I was also shy and that didn't help in sticking up for myself either. The problem with saying something to the kid is then it may lead to "you have to have your MOMMY fight your battles for you" etc. and that is worse than anything about ears sticking out. If it escalates or you feel your son is being emotionally damaged, then I would certainly say something, but until then, tell him to laugh it off if he can, the kids used to make me cry, and it only made them more relentless. My mom also moved me away from all my friends to another school in the middle of 7th grade, it was a whole different type of community (more working/middle class to decidedly more upperclass) and that only made it worse. It was rich kids making fun of the new girl (we were not rich either, another strike against me). I feel for him though, kids are ROUGH on eachother at that age. I am sure it will fade on if he can just find a way to ignore it or laugh along.
quankanne Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 maybe the key to helping him solve these sorts of problems is to instill in him a healthy self-esteem. I was an overweight kid from fifth grade on, and if it weren't for my mother stressing all the positive things about me/my looks and helping me see that there was more to a "beautiful/perfect person" than just looks, I know I'd have been more screwed up than I was. Because when a kid has healthy esteem, he can sort through the crap others flick at him (big ears, big nose, big body, crooked teeth, wears glasses, etc) and let it roll off him. And I think your son would be much better helped if you did that instead of solely relying on having the other kid's mom whip him into shape. lol, you can also joke about it in front of the rude kid, you know, tug your son's ear and say something like, "oh, that just means he's gonna be a huge boy when he finally stop growing, and I'd hate to be on his bad side when he's bigger than me!" Then laugh maniacally ... (just kidding – but you can use humor to deflect those potentially awkward situations, you know?) kids can be cruel, but there's less sticking points when they're trying to inflict cruelty on someone who's self-esteem is solid!
marlena Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 maybe the key to helping him solve these sorts of problems is to instill in him a healthy self-esteem. Couldn't agree more. I made a point of applying this theory to my daughter and it worked. No one could undermine the self-esteem that I had cultivated in her. To this very day. Excellent advice!
quankanne Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I made a point of applying this theory to my daughter and it worked. No one could undermine the self-esteem that I had cultivated in her. smart move, marlena – I imagine she's now a force unto herself
marlena Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 smart move, marlena – I imagine she's now a force unto herself Indeed she is! So proud of her. :)
nittygritty Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Its a good sign of maturity that your son doesn't want you to say anything. Telling your son that your proud of him for not wanting you to talk to the other boy's mom about it and that its his decision of whether or not he wants to continue being friends with his friend. The reality is that your friend might become defensive of her son's bad behavior and it might escalate the problem if she reprimands her son and her son starts teasing your son about having his mother intervene for him. Just being there for your son to discuss the problem he is having with his friend and listening to how he wants to deal with the problem and offering helpful advice when asked or necessary is the most helpful thing you can do in this type of situation.
Author Lishy Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 Well this has taken another turn Today at school my son's friend (if that is what he is) did it again - My son walked over to him and he said to my son "go away elephant" I know what you are all saying is so right and if it was any random kid at school I would leave it but this boy comes to my house, eats my food, drinks my drinks and has a thouroughly good time and he is nice to my son to my face and then makes his nasty comments when alone with him. My son is now saying he hates his ears and how much is surgery to get them done! I Cannot stand by and do nothing - I may be very wrong but I cant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sorry if I am an over protective mum and I hope it does not go pearshaped with my friend as I like her alot, but I HAVE to tal to her about this. Her on was upset the other week when a girl in his class called him rubber lips so he should know how it feels. If I dont speak to her I will end up eating myself up with this and just avoid her and her son. sorry if I am going against everyone on here, I really really do appreciate all of your great advice I will let you know what has happened
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Okay, well, when you talk to your friend, just tell her what happened and what her son was called, rubber lips, and how it upset him. Don't be harsh to her about this or make her go on the defensive...All you can hope for is, she's sensitive to you and your sons feelings and that she'll deal with this in her own way and talk to her son. If things don't change then stop inviting the kid over to your house.
Author Lishy Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Well I spoke to my friend and told her what had happened, but before I told her I said that I hope this does not come between us. When I told her she was mortified and went and told her son that it was very unacceptable and he said he was sorry and he didnt know why he said it and that it wont happen again. Sorted! (hopefully) Thank you everyone for all of your advice x
annieo Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 While I agree that kids need to sort things out for themselves most of the time, if one child is repeatedly demeaning another, I think it's fair to call it bullying, and it might be a good idea to gently, respectfully let your friend know what her son gets up to. It's amazing how certain aspects of our children's behavior can be unknown to parents, so don't be surprised if you don't hear about some things that your child has been saying/doing as well. Keep an open mind, support your child, but don't immediately assume you know the whole story. On the other hand, if this other kid is a liar, he may accuse him to take the heat off himself. I'm a mom and I am a teacher. I've seen and heard it all!
Storyrider Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 If you're truly friends you should be able to talk to her about it without giving offense, and she should be able to respond respectfully. I would tell her you're sharing this information b/c you would want to be told if your own son was taunting someone, and so you are giving her the same courtesy. Present it as an issue the two of you can work out together. Also, remember, the other boy is a child too, with his own childish failings and insecurities.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I'm glad everything worked out... he said he was sorry and he didnt know why he said it and that it wont happen again. Let's hope so...The test will be what happens when they're at school and playing with other kids.
NotMyselfNEmore Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 You are not an overprotective Mom... you LOVE YOUR KID! What can I say? I'm the same exact way when it comes to dealing with my son's dilemmas. I am going to give you some first hand advice. My son (who is also ADHD) dealt with exactly the same issues. He's 15 now and we are still dealing with the bullying and picking on him but, not nearly as much as we used to. Now, he has the correct tools and the trust in us to handle this stress better. Unfortunately, ADHD children are very excentric and they do tend to have a different personality than other kids. The good thing is that most of them do have a great heart, therefore being prone to having a thin skin when it comes to criticism and bullying. As far as your feelings towards your friend's son: It's perfectly ok to not invite him to your house anymore. If he shows up unanounced, let your son handle it. You can begin by talking to your son about how he feels when "johnny" picks on him and how he wishes to handle this. Don't interfere by hinting any suggestions. Let him come up with his own answer. You're there merely to guide him not direct him. One thing that helped with my son, because he was being bullied by many kids, not just one.... we enrolled him in Tai Kwon Do (sp?). He learned discipline, how to quiet his mind, how to organize his thoughts and gave him the confidence to think as a "stronger" child. I'm not saying it was the magical fix but we noticed a HUGE change in behavior and attitude towards his life's challenges about 2 months into his classes. I hope this helps....
reddog63 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Well I spoke to my friend and told her what had happened, but before I told her I said that I hope this does not come between us. When I told her she was mortified and went and told her son that it was very unacceptable and he said he was sorry and he didnt know why he said it and that it wont happen again. Sorted! (hopefully) Thank you everyone for all of your advice x My response is more in general and I do not know your home situation.....whether you are divorced or married. But this post semi bothers me. If your in a married relationship, then the over protective side is balanced by the husbands. When you have all these single moms (maybe dad is still in life but at least 50 percent of time they are with mom alone) raising boys through how a women feels and perceives, they cant help be unruly, etc. You should have let your boy handle it himself. You think you are doing him good and you are not. Not that this one small action has done any harm. But if you continue to do it you will have some young man who is not ready to be an adult. I would have told my son........ohhhh, what the hec you listening to him for........your ears look fine to me..........would have not made or acted like it was a big deal at all. I have a good female friend who stays on top of her kids..........she does not take any lip, she expects good grades...........she is TOUGH on kids in a good way.......she would have told her boy to toughen up..........but this is rare in women. I think a lot of boys get screwed up nowadays because they are being raised by just women for the most part.
Lizzie60 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I know this is hard.. to watch our child being bullied must be terrible... If I were you, I would take this little boy alone, aside and tell him what he's saying/doing is hurting 'X'... be calm and nice to him.. even nicer than usual so that he can feel that nice people are more 'attractive' than mean people. Children are cruel.. but they sometimes need a little 'life lesson' from a 'mature' intelligent adult. Then have a talk with your son... reassure him that he is a good boy and that this will soon stop.. Keep your eyes open for more abuse from this boy.. and if it doesn't stop I would talk to the parents... I think that's part of the parent's responsibilities to make sure their children are not bullying other kids (if no one tell them how can they know what's going on).
brennan Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Hi I have a bit of a problem My son is 11 and just started secondary school. He is very happy at his school. The problem is that I have a good friend who I invite over alot as our sons are friends and get along well and go to the same school. My son is a very friendly boy who is not mean and nasty, he is alos quite immature for his age - He is being tested for ADHD and I am 80% sure he has it. He does not have a bad temper he is just full of ebergy and lacks concentration. His immaturity also hinders his friendships as other kids get bored of his messing aorund and silliness at times. I love my son like nothing else in the world. When he came out of school today he told me that when him and my friends son went swimming on Saturday, his friend kept teasing him about his ears (they stick out but they make him look cuter) Now in my eyes a friend does not say these things to another friend and it must have upset my son as he is saying that he obviously does not have any friends as this particular friend is now teasing him. My question is this, should I talk to my friend about it? My son at first said that I could and now he is saying for me not to. The thing is that I dont want this kid in my house anymore if he is going to say these things - It is not the first time he has been mean to my son. I dont want this to come in between me and my friend but I am angry with her boy. What do I do? HELP!!!!! if this happens alot then you sould do somthing but try to find out what happen first i could have been a joke he toke the wrong way.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Children are cruel.. but they sometimes need a little 'life lesson' from a 'mature' intelligent adult. I agree, but it isn't up to Lish to scold this kid, that's his own mom's job. Kids understand consquences...If that was my son who was picking on him, my kid would have his "perks" taken away. No TV, no computer, come home after school. That's the stuff they understand. Sure, talking to them is great, but until they 'feel' consquences of their actions and suffer from it, nothing will really change. I hope that boy doesn't start up again, but once at school, everything his mom said will be forgotten about.
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