How do I handle his children??

[Shygirl15]

Hi guys,

 

I just need some advice on this. Weeks ago, I started dating this wonderful guy, and now he's so serious with the relationship and about us moving in together and eventually getting married stuff like that. He's divorced with 2 girls, 9 and 7yrs. Last week he mentioned that it was time I meet his kids and establish a connection with them. I really like this guy and really want to be with him but also nervous about meeting his kids. His kids mean a world to him, it's his 1st priority so, I don't know, can you guys help me out on what to do, should I bring candy or toys? Should I give a hug or handshake?? Should I be all over them or give space, I just don't know. Just confused. Thanks for listen to me. Looking forward to any ideas you might have, thanks again.

[MakeLemonade]

Just be yourself, kids are smart, they can tell when you are trying too hard, or trying to buy their acceptance (candy & toys). Be friendly, smile and don't fawn too much over daddy - they will be jealous in their own way for sure but try to set the initial tone that you want to be a friend and are interested in them. Ask about what they like, school, their friends. Try to get to know them, just like you would do with any new friend.

 

I wouldn't offer hugs or handshakes unless they come running to you with arms wide open - kids usually take a while to warm up to new people and you wouldn't want to freak them out. Also - try to speak to them at their level - if they are significantly shorter than you, have a seat or lean in to them, really seem interested.

 

The only thing they are probably worried about right now is hoping that you will be nice and that you won't take Daddy away from them when you are around. As long as you can show them these two things, I think you will be ok.

 

I know it can seem daunting, if he is a good father, I am sure he values what his children think of you, but try to put that out of your head. If he is so smitten with you, hopefully they will be too. Good luck! and SMILE

[melodymatters]

I second everything lemonaide said ! Just be a fun person, don't talk down to them, they are not babies, and like to be treated with respect. Bringing over something small and fun to do is ok, but don't try too hard. Let them come to you a bit and let them set the tone.

[StartingOver07]

Hi guys,

 

I just need some advice on this. Weeks ago, I started dating this wonderful guy, and now he's so serious with the relationship and about us moving in together and eventually getting married stuff like that. He's divorced with 2 girls, 9 and 7yrs. Last week he mentioned that it was time I meet his kids and establish a connection with them. I really like this guy and really want to be with him but also nervous about meeting his kids. His kids mean a world to him, it's his 1st priority so, I don't know, can you guys help me out on what to do, should I bring candy or toys? Should I give a hug or handshake?? Should I be all over them or give space, I just don't know. Just confused. Thanks for listen to me. Looking forward to any ideas you might have, thanks again.

 

You've only been dating for "weeks" and already dad is talking about marriage?

 

Personally, I don't think you should meet the kids until the r/s is on very solid/permanent ground, and "weeks" is too soon for that, imo. The last thing the kids need is to meet and grow close to someone who won't be around.

 

Does he have custody?

[Shygirl15]

Just be yourself, kids are smart, they can tell when you are trying too hard, or trying to buy their acceptance (candy & toys). Be friendly, smile and don't fawn too much over daddy - they will be jealous in their own way for sure but try to set the initial tone that you want to be a friend and are interested in them. Ask about what they like, school, their friends. Try to get to know them, just like you would do with any new friend.

 

I wouldn't offer hugs or handshakes unless they come running to you with arms wide open - kids usually take a while to warm up to new people and you wouldn't want to freak them out. Also - try to speak to them at their level - if they are significantly shorter than you, have a seat or lean in to them, really seem interested.

 

The only thing they are probably worried about right now is hoping that you will be nice and that you won't take Daddy away from them when you are around. As long as you can show them these two things, I think you will be ok.

 

I know it can seem daunting, if he is a good father, I am sure he values what his children think of you, but try to put that out of your head. If he is so smitten with you, hopefully they will be too. Good luck! and SMILE

 

Thanks Lemonade and MelodyMatters, you have really saved me as I had no clue at all on this. I know kids, and especially girls can be clingy to their daddies so I just didn't know how to approach that. Good point about not fawning over daddy. So I'll keep my cool and just be myself.

 

Thanks!

[Shygirl15]

You've only been dating for "weeks" and already dad is talking about marriage?

 

Personally, I don't think you should meet the kids until the r/s is on very solid/permanent ground, and "weeks" is too soon for that, imo. The last thing the kids need is to meet and grow close to someone who won't be around.

 

Does he have custody?

 

Yes, he has custody of the kids apparently because their mother is kind of unstable or unresponsible, something like that. Although everything truly feels right this time, I feel the same way, that it's way too early to meet kids and all. I also have a son, and there's no way he will meet my son this soon. However, he sort of insisted on his kids, and I really love this man, so I guess, well, it doesn't hurt..

[Lyssa]

I'm all about giving them space - don't overdo it. Kids do know when someone is trying too hard!! Trust me.

 

When I met my BF's kids - 5 and 2 - they came to me with their hands extended . So I shook their hands and the next time, they hugged me! So don't worry, Shygirl - you'll do just fine, as long as you don't overdo it!!

[Curmudgeon]

However, he sort of insisted on his kids, and I really love this man, so I guess, well, it doesn't hurt..

 

...and lots of red flags. It DOES hurt if it's too soon and your relationship dissolves after the children have grown close to you. You're not listening to yourself. If you think it's too early for him to meet your son then it's too early for you to meet his children.

 

Why is he pushing this? Is he looking for a surrogate mother to share the "load" because right now he has it all? Is he on the rebound (sounds like it)? Will he ever put a marriage on equal footing with his children or will his eventual wife always take second place? In my opinion and experience, the marriage and the spouse have to be number one. The rest will follow naturally. Children come, grow and go. The spouse is who is left with you.

 

After merely weeks, is this really love (sounds needy to me) or merely infatuation? And whast if you don't like the children? It happens, you know.

 

Like I said, lots of questions, but also lots of cautions.

 

Been there, done that. Mywife and I have seven children and eight grandchildren, with another on the way, between us. It's not always easy, and we were quite mature when we married at ages 48 and 50.

[saviourself]

kids are extremely intuitive when it comes to people trying too hard to gain their acceptance.

 

honestly, i think it may be too soon for the same reasons others already stated. BUT, if its a must and it will eventually happen anyway. DONT go over board. DONT put on the facade that you're over enthusiastic about meeting them. they will pick up on this.

 

second. how old are the kids? usually with younger ones, they're a little easier especially if you spark their interests. the older they get they become a little harder to connect with. they put you through more tests in their own minds to either feel you out, know your stance or position, or ultimately decide if THEY think you're right for daddy. i know i did at least.

 

i used to groom the men my mom would bring home and use the conclusions i collected to base my opinions of them. 9 times out of 10... i was right and the relationships failed either due to violent tendencies, drug abuses, or they were just all around no good.

 

also... are these kids from seperate wives or do they both have the same mother? if they're from seperate wives it could go either way. the eldest probably being more critical than the youngest due to the fact that he/she has seen another woman come and go and may think you might do the same.

 

don't be set off or offended if they don't immediately take to you. its a common reaction. give them time to warm up and try to include them in conversation.

 

i'm going out on a long shot here... but try to get some of their interests collected from their dad before you meet them. see if they share any of the same interests you did as a kid or do now as an adult. for instance... do they like animals? do you like animals? maybe you could all go out for a trip to the zoo and meet each other on COMMON interests. it wouldnt be perceived as you trying too hard because its an interest you all share and they'd see you as being fun. could be used as a good ice breaker as well. plus, its a public setting/neutral territory and it wouldn't be like you encroaching on their personal space by going to their home the first time around. you don't have to use the zoo, it could be any number of things, museums, amusement parks, the park, something everyone could enjoy. but definitely DO NOT act like you're interested in something youre not or act like you're having fun when you're actually miserable.

 

in any case... i hope all goes well.

[Shygirl15]

...and lots of red flags. It DOES hurt if it's too soon and your relationship dissolves after the children have grown close to you. You're not listening to yourself. If you think it's too early for him to meet your son then it's too early for you to meet his children.

 

Why is he pushing this? Is he looking for a surrogate mother to share the "load" because right now he has it all? Is he on the rebound (sounds like it)? Will he ever put a marriage on equal footing with his children or will his eventual wife always take second place? In my opinion and experience, the marriage and the spouse have to be number one. The rest will follow naturally. Children come, grow and go. The spouse is who is left with you.

 

After merely weeks, is this really love (sounds needy to me) or merely infatuation? And whast if you don't like the children? It happens, you know.

 

Like I said, lots of questions, but also lots of cautions.

 

Been there, done that. Mywife and I have seven children and eight grandchildren, with another on the way, between us. It's not always easy, and we were quite mature when we married at ages 48 and 50.

 

Thanks for your comments. I also have concerns about things moving too fast this time. I will have a talk to him and postpone this meeting for everybody's best interest. I know he has introduced at least 1 other woman to these kids, and according to him, they used to call her 'mommy'. Well, now that 'mommy' is gone with another one coming up (!).. not good. It's really sad because he is a good man but I sense some insecurity in him. I think he feels that if I meet his kids, I will be bound to stick around with him for a while.