Am I mad?

[MattyTee]

Thanx!

 

Nothings really helping now tho Im sooo down :mad::mad::mad:

I just feel like everything is all my fault,.

Im defiently not worthy and I really feel down

Ive never been as long as I am now, exept for the day it all happened. Does anyone know if this is normal? Its been almost two months Yet i feel just as bad (if not worse) than the 1st week.

Would anyone also know why he completly hates me now? I never cheated or did anything and he was the one who dumped me and replaced me. I begged for days but he was soooooooo cruel and nasty and talked like he hated my guts and that i had done something terrible!! He still hates me to this day and refuses to talk to me and i just dont understand! Even through our rough times he would never ever be nasty like that and would never say the things he said during the break up I honestly cant understand how some one could turn so nasty when I honestly did nothing but beg for him to change his mind. I wasn't the perfect gf, thought i wish so much that i was, but i didnt do anything horrible!!!

Do people normally feel guilty and feel like everything is all there fault when they break up? I can only seem to remember the fights and the bad things I had said or done over the years and its making me hate myself.

 

Sorry for all the questions! Im just having a reeeeallly rough week!! Ill stop soon I promsie!!!

 

Sarah,

 

I really wanted to write more but I'm at work and don't have much time.

 

It is completely normal to feel guilty, I did. What you have to remember is that whilst you feel guilty, that's all it is now - you aren't guilty. Stop trying to analyse how you could have changed things because, and I know this is hard to hear, you can't change what has happened.

 

The thing about him being cruel is something I can help a little with I believe. My ex did a very similar thing and actually, I didn't always behave towards her like I should have. I was insecure and didn't trust her in the way she deserved. It took me a long while to stop regretting that and understand that my lesson was to learn from what had happened and make sure it didn't happen again. The cruelty comes from a couple of things I believe: firstly, there is a feeling that by being distant, cold and 'cruel' they are helping you move on from them. It is a difficult situation to be in (I imagine) whereby you care for someone and yet you don't want to be with them. The reaction is a little like the stories we hear of one partner behaving like a bastard to get the other to break up with them.

Try not to let his behaviour change yours. You can only be responsible now for your own actions, you can't control (or even hope to understand fully) another person's actions. They might not even know.

I also believe that there is a lot of guilt floating around with them too. In a sort of emotional transference they end up being angry and lashing out. This isn't because of you, but because of them. It's horrible, but it happens.

 

Try and look after you. Try and focus on your own actions, feelings and behaviours. Let the feelings come, don't judge and don't let them rule you. Just feel them, you can be the watcher if you like "Oh look I'm feeling really angry today" ... It's a kind of passive but assertive study of yourself.

 

Wow, I make no sense, I hope somewhere in that ramble something got through

 

Keep posting ... don't feel you need to stop. That's what this place is for.

[SarahT111]

Thanks Matt!

 

This whole break up is really getting to me!! I HATE waking up in the mornings and i hate getting distracted because it hits me so hard when i remember what my life has come to again I also dread sleeping at night coz i dream of him all the time

 

Whats hurting me so bad right now is that within my friends alot of them seem to be breaking up aswell. However there exs still say they love them and they talk and still have alot of respect for each other.

With me my ex hasn't talked to me since he dumped me, and when he did it he was sooo cold and angry, he had a new girl the next day and simply acted like i never exsisted. He never talked about me again and threw out everything I ever gave him.

 

Its just so hard as we were unbelieveably close for two years and now i dont exsist to him I would understand if I had cheated or sumthing but I never did anyting! I begged for him to stay but he was Sooo nasty to me that I had to stop.

I feel so bad :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

He never asks our mutal friends if im ok or anything which rips my heart out as he knew i wanted to die after he dumped me. He literally doesn't care that i ever exsisted He is as happy as ever, nothing even changed for him.

 

Another thing thats really gettting me down is facebook! I dont go on there anymore as its to painful but after i broke up with him I went onto his and he was all over this new girl

He had photos of her everywhere and all these afffectionate comments about her that were usually reserved for me my memory was totally erased from the page.

 

I know if your reading this u'll be confused at why im so upset as he sounds like such a jerk! But he really isnt . He used to love me so much and made me feel like the most special girl in the world, i loved him tothe end of the earth and back also. We were inseperable.

 

How do i get over this?

I know he doesn't love me anymore (as much as i hate to admit it) and i know hes not coming back. Im left all alone trying to salvage my life but i just cant anymore I honestly want to give up and i no its stupid to do it over one guy but i cant explain the amount of hurt he has caused me

I feel soooo worthless and hate what my life has come to!

 

I could never hurt or treat anyone the way he treated me. And i didnt think he could either. I no he must never have loved me the way he said he did otherwise he wouldnt be able to just erase me and be in love with some other girl 24 hours later.

I no the relationship he had before me he did exactally the same thing to the poor girl and made up excuses that she cheated on him (which she never did)

 

Please help me someone :( I dont no what to do anymore

Edited February 10, 2008 by SarahT111

[Aboohoo]

Hi,

 

While reading your last post it was like i was reading my own story! Everything you have written rings true with me. My ex bf of 3 years dumped me and i found out letter it was for his internet gf who he''s never met! He too has not contacted me since the break a month ago but i had to call him a few times about the deposit from our house etc... and he was soooo cold towards me, its like he cant wait to have me out of his life. I too feel replaced, like he only kept me around until someone better cam along. I know exactly how you are feeling as im going through the same thing. My ex doesnt care how im doing - he's absolutely fine (happier than ever with his new love) while im left here with all the heart ache.

 

I too hate facebook - because of him but yet i cant stop going on there to torture myself looking at the stupid super poking they send to each other! Grrr!!!

 

I cant believe our exs can treat us like this - i truely believe what goes around comes around - how dare they do this to us!

 

I hear that these rebound/new relationships dont tend to last generally speaking but i know with my ex he will never want me back, he's not like that. Ive lost him forever...

 

Its slowly getting easier and im moving to a new city with my bestfriend for a fresh start and i cant wait so there is hope.

 

Just take it one day at a time as stupid as it sounds. Dont worry about tomorrow, concentrate on today. You WILL be a stronger person because of this and you WILL not let anyone else ever treat you like this.

 

Dont forget you ARE special and DESERVE real love, just because he has forgotten this doesnt mean you should

 

x

[MattyTee]

Hi,

Just take it one day at a time as stupid as it sounds. Dont worry about tomorrow, concentrate on today. You WILL be a stronger person because of this...

 

I'm so tired so I can't give much help tonight

 

This is some really good advice - although I know it's easy to know and hard to put into place.

 

Honestly Sarah, I don't want to start you thinking on these things but remember this: you can never know what someone else is thinking or feeling. What you had with him was real, it was love if you felt it was love. Right now the truth is he is not a part of your life, no matter whether he has someone else or not. The acceptance part comes here, you need to be able to accept what is - i.e. you are not together. The important thing is to forget about what he's doing. At the end of the day it doesn't matter. Just because he has someone new now and you are 'no longer important to him', doesn't take away what you had (nothing can change that) and it doesn't mean that he's as happy and fine as you think he might be.

 

What's really important now is working on yourself. I noticed you saying you feel so worthless and you feel you hate what your life has come to. No one but you has any power over that Sarah I know that's hard to hear, but you cannot build your life because of someone else. It's important to learn to be with you, it's important to learn to accept and love yourself (I don't always like that term because I don't feel it's quite right). Acceptance is the key to everything. At the very bottom of everything here, the bitter truth is:

 

You can't change someone else. You can't make someone love you (and I'm sure you wouldn't want to, not deep down). You can't change what has already happened. You can only affect your own actions. When you finally are able to say "Hey, I don't like this, I hate it in fact but it has happened. I will learn what I can from the steps I have taken and I will begin to take steps again". No one knows what their future holds, no one!

 

Some people believe that things will happen for a reason. I am one of those people. My ex and I both had a lot of growing to do and I know now that neither of us could have done that together. I have worked my hardest to learn everything I could from what happened. What I discovered was that I had some real work to do on myself ... with nothing to do with her at all. I don't know how she is doing, perhaps she is walking a new path and learning too - I hope so, with all my heart. I hope she is happy but also growing in the way she needs to.

 

For me, keeping in contact was too painful. For me, Facebook is an incredibly bad thing to keep going ... it will enable you to torture yourself. All the pain you experience, it comes from within you. No one else is doing it to you ... Sorry to say that

 

Delete him as a friend on Facebook. Remove any way of hearing about him. You will resist it, but do it Give yourself distance and time to heal Sarah You need it.

 

I don't like the term 'deserve' because it implies that if you behave a certain way you deserve a good life with love. We all 'deserve' love. The important thing is take what you can from the past, learn, but don't walk away bitter or angry. There may be an incredible future just around the corner for you. Perhaps this is preparing you for that.

 

My situation could be an example, I'm not sure yet. I was with my ex 8 years and was engaged. I was to move out and live with her in her home country. I was heartbroken when she broke things off. I thought I would always be alone. I could never imagine being with anyone else. I'm 30 and I have had one partner in life, only ever kissed one person. I know that paints a picture of me being horrendously ugly or stupid ... but I'm not either of those (not that they really matter anyway). Anyway, I am 6 months on now and have met an incredible woman. I am okay with the way I feel because I'm happy being alone. The moment I felt that way, I met her and things will develop as they develop. What it helped me to see is that maybe we only walk a part of our life with some people, and perhaps we don't always see what might be best for us.

 

I'm rambling now, but keep posting Sarah. I know how you feel. You'll maybe read a post and think "Yeah, I see that!" but then 10 minutes later find your heart beating again and you can think of nothing else other than them. Then you feel the same way all over again! I've been there. It's the mind, it will torture you... it takes time for that process to work its way through. You can help it but every time you start thinking about it all, take a deep breath and say to yourself "I accept everything that has happened"

 

Please, concentrate on you

[Always Wrong]

MattyTee...

I liked your post so much I printed it out for a friend, and myself. These feelings are a struggle for many, many, many of us. That was a great post.

[SarahT111]

Dear Matt

 

I cant believe what a difference those words made to me! Thank you so much!!

Ive had an extremelly rough week and was soooooooooooo down! I was at the point where if I couldnt live with him then I didnt want to live at all. I was truley scared of what i was going to do to myself! And not scared for myself becasue I didnt care anymore but scared for the wellbeing of my family and friends. I know it sounds stupid but that really was how low i was feeling!

I went on to loveshack as I just didnt no what to do anymore and found your post. I read it over and over again and every word was so true and accurate.

I started to think that maybe my ex was only supposed to go this far with me. And i realised that I do have so much growing to do which i could not have done with him! Your comment gave me hope that maybe there will be something better waiting around the corner for me and that things will work out ok for me eventaully.

Your post literally lifted me out of the bad place I had been in all week!!

It made me able to look at the realtionship for what it really was. I was treated badly and wasn't happy. I think the pain of being left in such a way and the fact he was my first love over shadowed the fact that things weren't as perfect as they seemed! A major contributing factor to the pain ive felt may even be my own fear of being alone and being a failure.

 

When i walked away from reading your post I felt so calm that i was able to get some sleep!!! (usually I cant sleep and I lie awake for ages as my heart beats so fast and hes all i can think about)

 

I would love to stay in this mindset but its very difficult as my mind keeps switching back and forth and I go back to being very upset easily. Will this go eventually?!

 

Once again matt thankyou SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!! Whenever your feeling down just think you are such an amazing person as your kind words have literally saved ones life! I cant express enough thanks that you have taken the time to read my ramblings and taken the time out of your day to help me get through this!!

 

Thanks so much

Sarah

[MattyTee]

...I would love to stay in this mindset but its very difficult as my mind keeps switching back and forth and I go back to being very upset easily. Will this go eventually?!

 

Once again matt thankyou SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!! Whenever your feeling down just think you are such an amazing person as your kind words have literally saved ones life! I cant express enough thanks that you have taken the time to read my ramblings and taken the time out of your day to help me get through this!!

 

Thanks so much

Sarah

 

You are more than welcome, I am simply passing on the love and help that I received during the difficult times, but I thank you for your kind words.

 

Please don't ever think you are alone Sarah, I reached some very low places as well, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Just remember that with each night comes another day, things will change, I promise

 

You asked about the mindset, and yes Sarah, eventually it will go. You can help this process in a number of ways. I will tell you of two methods that worked well for me:

 

The first is this, every time you feel upset and you find your mind starting to race do the following:

 

Firstly focus on the physical manifestation of the feeling you have, so if you are sad, how does it actually feel? Does your gut tighten? Do your shoulders fall forwards? Etc. Then, spend some time getting to know what each feeling actually 'feels' like. I used to get really jealous, because my ex got together with someone quickly too. I felt hot, my body would tense, my stomach would clench. Start off by accepting the way you feel. If you are sad, cry. Angry? Then hit a pillow. You can then gradually focus on changing your posture, changing the physical aspects of how you are feeling. The benefit here is that this will affect you emotionally and also keep your mind occupied

 

The second sounds a bit more crazy. It comes from a book by Paulo Coelho (an old tradition used by an old Catholic order I believe). It is called The Tradition of Cruelty. Every time you are thinking "I'm not worth it" or "I don't deserve love" you are actually torturing yourself. That is your mind, doing what minds do. The Tradition says that in order to prevent yourself being cruel all the time you need to make that pain a reality. It sounds crazy but here it is: when you get these thoughts, dig your index finger nail into the cuticle of your thumb on the same hand. Do it hard. It will hurt, but believe me after a little while ... your mind will think twice about torturing you with those thoughts

 

If you don't like the sound of that (and I didn't) then try and remind yourself that your mind may be addicted to pain. During childhood most of us form some sort of idea that we aren't good enough. This carries through into adult life and can be very difficult to break from. In my opinion this is the root cause of the extended agony we suffer during a break up (grieving is a normal process, but if there is more to it - such as people feeling suicidal or hateful towards themselves - then it might be more than just the relationship surfacing). So, every time you start that process whereby your mind kicks off ... try to meditate or focus on your breathing. Calmly remind your clever little grey cells that you are not interested in being tortured today. That you are a beautiful soul and you are interested in being joyful in this life. Learn to love you for you, not what you do, how much money you have, what you look like ... go for the deeper stuff - that's what is real

[MattyTee]

MattyTee...

I liked your post so much I printed it out for a friend, and myself. These feelings are a struggle for many, many, many of us. That was a great post.

 

 

That's very kind of you. The feelings are very difficult indeed. I still have days when they return, days when I'm horrible to myself. I am only glad that I could help a little. I found so much help myself here, if I can pass a little of that on then I am happy

Edited February 11, 2008 by MattyTee

[Always Wrong]

If you aren't a psychologist MattyTee, you should be.

 

You deliver the mental picture exceptionally well. I appreciate your words as much as Sara does. I took a lot away from counseling, but I swear all you folks like Pyro, lyssa, DDLegs, TBF, ariawoman, TP, Darlin Coco, yourself, and the list goes on and on, are very inspirational and reassuring to read, and lets not forget quite funny as well.

 

I guess I go overboard thanking people who have a positive impact on myself and others, but you need to be acknowledged. The world would be a better place if there were more of you.

 

Chin-up Sara! You can do it! There's a great guy out there waiting for you. Don't let him down, he needs you.

[Belkin]

I'm totally with you there Always Wrong. You're right this once at least So many great people on this site giving fantastic advice for us newbies in the complex world of relations! I really like it that there are no flamers (or that the mods are extremely quick to react!) in this forum: not once have I read a mean or sarcastic post. Even the harshest posts (No Foolin for instance!) were written in a genuine effort to help the original poster see the truth and get on with his life. So thanks to you MattyTee, and to all the others doing a great job out there!

[SarahT111]

Wow I totally agree that your should be a psychologist if your not already!

Your posts are helping me so much!! This may sound a bit crazy but I printed them out and read them whenever I want to breakdown and cry.

 

I took all your adivce on board and it defiently helps!

I still cant help the constant pain surfacing in my heart tho! I know Its not about him anymore and I need to focus on me, but I still cant fight the pain.

This guy was the love of my life and I was commited to spent the rest of my life with him. He used to love me sooo much, then all of a sudden things changed!

The time of my life he did this was a time where I was making a lot of decisions. I was deciding things like where i wanted to live and what I would major in with my degree then all of a sudden this happens. It just hurts soooo much that hes cut me out completly and couldnt care less what i do with my life!!

He knew I was extremelly low and wanted to die after what he did but he never even bothered to check up with a mutal friend to make sure I was ok. He never bothered to find out all the decisions I had made with my life and this is so hard or me.

If it was me and I had to break up with someone who had done nothing to hurt me I would feel sooooooo bad for hurting them this way! If i couldn't face contacting them I would make sure through mutal friends that they were ok and of course I would still care about what they do with their lives!

But for him, he dumped me, had a new girl in under 24 hours and cut me out completly like i never ever exsisted. Even if I had to end a long term reationship I couldnt get a new bf that soon and be as happy as he is! And i no that no contact it best but I would have made sure they were ok with everything and not rubbed another realtionship in their face and just be as nasty and cold about as i possibly could!

 

Ahhhh im sorry I no this is the same thing I always ramble on about but its really bugging me!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Do you believe in 'what goes around comes around'?

Life seems so unfair right now!

Not only am i struggling throught this, I also lost my job, got a very bad injury and my best friend moved away overseas!

Yet for him things couldnt be better. Hes got this hot new gf, going overseas for a free holiday and just got a fantastic new job!

Its just soooooooooooooooooooo unfair!!

He did the same thing to his last gf (the one b4 me) and never got what he deserved!!

 

Anyway sorry for going on and on!

Your help has been amazing, im just having a frustrated moment!

And I totally agree that the world would be a better place with more people like you!

And for everyone else thankyou for taking the time to read and comment on my posts. I PROMISE that as soon as I am through the worst of this I will be back on here helping everyone else out as much as i can! Right now im not to sure if i should try and give advice when im in this state as I dont really know if things will get better and how to handle breakups! But once I have I will be the 1st to help everyone!

 

Again thanks!

Sarah

[Always Wrong]

Hey Sara! Don't stop posting. You aren't rambling. When we are hurting it helps to talk to someone. Your progress is important to us. You are therapy for us, as much as we are for you.

 

Yes I do. I do believe in what goes around comes around. It's like watching grass grow though. Unless there's an exceptional gust of wind, it doesn't seem to move... at least when it's mowed short it doesn't seem to move much. Yes it may take some time, so rest assured in the comfort that he will eventually need help and there won't be anyone there for him because he's burnt so many bridges. That's when they come crawling back. Slam the door in their face!

 

You however will build the friendships that last a lifetime. Not many of them turn out to be that enduring, but a few do. And at the end of your life, if you can say you have a friend that will be there if you call, even just one, then you are a wealthy person.

 

I don't believe he will have any. He will only have the one he hasn't screwed over yet, and he may not even have that. Selfish people don't build friendships, they destroy them. You aren't selfish. So hang around and build some friendships. There are people on here who have known each other for years, are friends, and have never met, as well as a mixture of others who have.

 

I am not in emotional pain anymore. My on again off again gf is as selfish as your ex, and I'm just numb to her crap anymore, and don't even care that she's lying about her narcotics involvement. It's a legal perscription, but she abuses it, and intentionally hurts herself to get more. This has been going on since I met her in 2000. I used to care, but I don't anymore. She's a user and a taker too. She puts on a good front, but she takes far more than she gives. She conned my mother out of $20,000US if that gives you any idea of the kind of person she is. I found out what was going on after my mom told me about it. Of course my moms a pushover, but that's not the point. Just because she isn't the sharpest tack in the box doesn't mean she deserves to be ripped off.

 

I would have never let her mom give me money under any circumstances. That's just me I guess. Flash a few bucks at some people and the person they really are shows through. Takers! The true bottom feeders of the world. Some people are actually proud of being that way, and call people who give, stupid. Oh well, each to his own.

 

So keep us posted Sara! We'd like to stay in touch.

[SarahT111]

Hey Always Wrong

 

Thanks for that!

 

Gosh im so sorry about your gf doing all that! Thats absolutly horrible! Atleast you know you are so much better than that and that you shouldnt be involved with someone like that!!

Are you like me where in your mind you know she is a jerk and you cant go back there but your heart still belongs to her?

 

For me today is another frustrating day! I was soooooooo tired (as i dont really sleep anymore) I went to bed to try and get some sleep but as soon as I got there my heart started pounding and no matter how hard I tried him and her were always on my mind! Its like a dagger through the heart and theres no way I can possibly sleep like that! I got so upset and started to cry, not so much becasue of him but more because I miss my old life. Just simple things like being able to shut my eyes and sleep when im exhastuted. I had to get up and just wander endlessly round the house and now im back on love shack because theres nothing else to do. I miss being able to relax but now I hate the thought of it because the whole situation and the pain involved always comes to mind when im not doing something.

 

Im going through the guilt again today (Im sorry Matty Tee but i just can't help it, I am digging my nails into my thumb tho!).

He said I gave him no choice but to leave and it was like a huge weight off his shoulders! He also said I treated him like dirt and i was just with him for attention or something. I didn't even try and defend myself as I was mad and he wouldn't have listened anyway, but there must be a reason why he would say this right? That combined with the fact that he could move on so fast and drop me out of his life must mean I was really a crap gf!

He used to love me so much! He was like obsessed with me and said crazy things like 'id kill myself if anything ever happened to you'

I know he loved me so much so I must really have been a horrible gf for him to change so much and let me go. Its the most painfullist thing in the world for me to think this is all my fault! Its ripping me to pieces!! But I still dont know what I did!!

 

Another thing thats bothering me right now is that any man in my life has ALWAYS left me for someone better I know this makes me seem like a monster but Im not, I just don't have anything special about me. The group of girls I tend to associate with are ALL stunning and im just average if not below average. I NEVER get any attention when we go out and its ruined my self esteem!

 

Ahhhh I hate life right now!!! I just want something good to happen but it never does! Things go from bad to worse for me! Im bracing myself for the next big heartache heading my way

[Belkin]

Thank you Sarah.

Reading your posts is a great help for me right now. I feel as if we're living exactly the same thing, and when I read what you write I understand my feelings so much better. I'm currently in a big relapse, dreaming about her all night, waking up early, crying again... I thought I was through with that, but apparently not.

Moreover, you give me hope in a future relationship. I can see that you are one of the good ones out there, really caring, capable of great love. And if there is one, there must be many others like you too, just not posting on LS right now. I know you are in great suffering, but even in such a state you've hugely helped me. Thanks to you I have hope again, and I know I am not alone in my pain. [wow that actually rimes!]

So really Sarah, thank you. One day this will all be over, and we'll both be in a relationship with one of the good ones. Trust me.

[SarahT111]

Wow thanks so much Belkin!

Im sooooo glad I could help you!!

Im so sorry about your gf I defiently know how much it hurts and im here for you!

How long has it been for you?

I can't imagine how hard it must be to see her with him everyday! I haven't yet seen my ex with his new girl and i dont think i could possibly handle it so you are doing just great!!

Hang in there! Its going to be ok eventually! You sound like such a sweet person and i can just tell you will find future happiness! Dw people like her will always get what they deserve! I know your going to be ok and make someone very happy one day so jut hang in there!!

Im so glad i could help and let me know if theres anything else!!

[Belkin]

Yeah, we're two of the good ones here! There are many like us hidden on this planet. One day we will rule!

If you want more info on my story, my thread [blog?] is here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t143084/

Same as you, I write down what I feel regularly, it helps me cope so much better. When I reread what I wrote, I can see the progress made (and also the regress, unfortunately! but the progress is definitely there...)

As for handling what I'm living, I can't really handle it actually, I'm just passing through waiting for it to end... But believe me here, you DO NOT want to know what your ex is up to, and even less SEE him with another girl... It tears my heart every time, I'm not getting used to it, quite the contrary actually...

Well time for sleep now, I have an ex to meet in my dreams... Tell you about that tomorrow in my "dreams" thread!

[stayc208]

Sarah, I am right with you girl! I had a really rough day after going so long with being happy with myself and realizing that I needed to get over it. I also realize that these things take time. I miss my old lifestyle and the comfort of it, but as I look back on things I deserve so much better.. and so does everyone else on here.

 

I just wish things would hurry up so I could finally get on with my life. I am happy and productive one day and the next (usually my down days) I am sad and angry and just don't know what to feel!!

 

The dream phase has pretty much stopped. I don't wake up as anxious at all, but I do have the longing to just stay in bed all day, or want to be with my mom. I do hate the fact that I'm not his priority anymore and really wasn't for a while.

 

I tried going no contact and that lasted about 4 days with him contacting me asking how i was doing. I can't tell if its helping or hurting. I used to be able to talk to him about anything and now all i want to do is go cry and have him hold me. But where will that get me? NO WHERE! plus it's not like he can really help me to deal with him.

 

I know I need to grow as a person and many of my friends are trying to help me through this. I know I will go on, many people have gone through this before. I just want my old lifestyle back... or the good parts of it I guess. I guess I can't see the end of the tunnel right now, but I sure know that I am getting closer.

 

I have started to strengthen my relationship with God through this and I feel like that (and the board) are helping me get through this. I never thought this would happen to me. He was always talking about when we get married, what kind of house we would have, how we would be so happy, etc., etc. Also we separated for about a month and during that month he said all he could think about was me. That he knew he had made a mistake and wanted me back. Did he really want ME back or just the comfort of the relationship?

 

I know that he still cares about me which is hard to process how he can care about me but still put me through all this pain. Ugh so many questions that I want answered but probably never will. So as I finish, with that one separation under our belts and us now "broken up" for a little over a week, do I still maintain that hope that things will happen like the last time or just try to get over it and wait for the next big thing in my life?

[MattyTee]

Hey Always Wrong

 

Thanks for that!

 

For me today is another frustrating day! I was soooooooo tired (as i dont really sleep anymore) I went to bed to try and get some sleep but as soon as I got there my heart started pounding and no matter how hard I tried him and her were always on my mind! Its like a dagger through the heart and theres no way I can possibly sleep like that! I got so upset and started to cry, not so much becasue of him but more because I miss my old life. Just simple things like being able to shut my eyes and sleep when im exhastuted. I had to get up and just wander endlessly round the house and now im back on love shack because theres nothing else to do. I miss being able to relax but now I hate the thought of it because the whole situation and the pain involved always comes to mind when im not doing something.

 

Im going through the guilt again today (Im sorry Matty Tee but i just can't help it, I am digging my nails into my thumb tho!).

He said I gave him no choice but to leave and it was like a huge weight off his shoulders! He also said I treated him like dirt and i was just with him for attention or something. I didn't even try and defend myself as I was mad and he wouldn't have listened anyway, but there must be a reason why he would say this right? That combined with the fact that he could move on so fast and drop me out of his life must mean I was really a crap gf!

He used to love me so much! He was like obsessed with me and said crazy things like 'id kill myself if anything ever happened to you'

I know he loved me so much so I must really have been a horrible gf for him to change so much and let me go. Its the most painfullist thing in the world for me to think this is all my fault! Its ripping me to pieces!! But I still dont know what I did!!

 

Another thing thats bothering me right now is that any man in my life has ALWAYS left me for someone better I know this makes me seem like a monster but Im not, I just don't have anything special about me. The group of girls I tend to associate with are ALL stunning and im just average if not below average. I NEVER get any attention when we go out and its ruined my self esteem!

 

Ahhhh I hate life right now!!! I just want something good to happen but it never does! Things go from bad to worse for me! Im bracing myself for the next big heartache heading my way

 

Oh Sarah <hug>

 

Something you should know about Loveshack is that you never need to be sorry for feeling a certain way. No one is here to judge you (and if they are then they are in the wrong place), we've all been through it and we know how it feels. It is not as simple as being told what to do, following a few simple rules and then being out of the woods ...

 

This is a long process and it will take time to heal. When you come back here time and time again it shows progress. Look over some of my old posts if you like, you'll see the same things coming up again and again. Even on my blog, which I've written for the past 6 months there is a huge amount of repeating: http://www.m-taylor.com/blog if you are interested. Bearing in mind it is quite poetic and metaphorical ... plus you may well consider me crazy after reading it But perhaps it will show you that these things will keep coming until you are able to deal with them.

 

I will tell you what you already know here:

 

There is something special about you, there is something special about all of us. What someone looks like, or what they do, or how much money they have... these things aren't who people really are and any relationship based upon those things will ultimately fail. To some extent expecting that to be the case is living a lie, and each lie can only last so long.

 

Remember to take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Every time you find yourself thinking "How could he do this..." "How could he be so happy" ... stop ... and then re-focus on yourself. You are swinging between anger and blame I would guess, each one of those is causing you pain - but it is all self-inflicted. The situation isn't doing it to you. He isn't doing it to you. You are.

 

All of the things you talk about, if you look at them closely, are to do with you seeking something from someone else. Have a look back over your post and see if you can work it out. Are you looking for approval for who you are? Are you looking for others to tell you you are special? You are okay? Even if they do, it won't last. That has to come from you, only you.

 

If I can persuade you then please try and drop the idea that they will get what they deserve. It isn't up to you to judge anyone else and that path leads to bitterness, anger and resentment. It's also never as simple as it may seem. Try and think of it like this: "I hope that they will learn and grow and become better people too." That's what we deserve, all of us. Deep down, because he might have a crap time in life approaching, does that really make the pain easier to bear? Does it make you feel happy? No and if it does then you will find that is your addiction to pain ... created in the mind.

 

I hope that makes sense. I shall post again tomorrow, little bit tired now

[Neffyboy99]

I was with my girlfriend for almost three years. I was friends with her for a little over a year before we started dating.I saw her get hurt and was the shoulder for her to cry on. Finally after I started to get feelings for her she told me she wanted to date. So of course I loved this girl already and we started dating. Our relationship was great...until three months after we started dating she went out without telling me and got drunk and high.I worried about her for over 24 hours tryin to get ahold of her.A few days later I got a phone call while she was with me...saying that a friend of mine and her hooked up while she was messed up..I was heart broken so I asked her about it she cried and told me nothing happened...so I believed her....over a year later we had a great relationship and I forgot about the whole thing...I still had some minor trust issues but i got over them because she was the love of my life or my first real love.i could feel it. so i went to school 2000 miles away, and we decided to make it work while she attended school back home. she then joined a sority and started baby sitting everynight while i was away to keep herself busy. meanwhile she kinda forgot about me and didnt even call me on my birthday or on our 2 year aniversary until late that night....so i felt alone and hurt...but again i put my feelings aside.so later on i graduated from school and came home, and surprised her...she had no idea i was coming home..she acted like she didnt care and i felt worthless.our relationship took a turn, she didnt have time for me and made me feel that it was my fault because i left...so i got my dream job at a autoshop 60 hr weeks but i loved it...but she hated it because i worked 12 hour days and i was always tired so i quit the job and went back to a previous employer so i could go back to school to get another degree...then i kinda hit rock bottom..i got drunk one night and told her exactly how i felt and im kinda glad i did but she proply told me that we needed to take a break. she never wanted to hear she was wrong it was always goin to be my fault...but i truely love her with all my heart. then right after this my best friend told me that she acctually did hook up with that guy at least twice...and i trust him because hes my friend since preschool...what does he have to gain from this hes gay...so i called her at 3 in the morning because i was perinoid about it like anyone would be. she told me..i have class in the morning and your calling me about this...dont you trust me ....i was nothing but faithful to her and believe me i could have messed up so many times but i loved her...so right after that she wouldnt talk to me for 2 weeks at all i called her everycouple days to check on her and no response. ..finally i retured a ring that i took to get fixed for her...her engagement ring...she wouldnt answer the door so i left it on the step...she then promply called me and told me that she loved the person i used to be when we where in high school..but i grew up and matured and i like the new me...so does everybody else ...which really doesnt matter...but it makes me feel a little better...so we parted ways after 3 years and all these future arrangements.i tried to talk to her and work this out but she keeps saying she needs time...2 months later and she still wont talk to me...i miss her and i thought by telling her how i felt would help our relationship but i guess not...i treated her like an angel and surprised her with romantic evenings and romatic dinners and trips but she said it wasnt good enough...it tears me up inside to know that you love somebody so much but yet they seem to just forget about you...its been 2 months now and im still miserable..iv tried goin out on dates but nothings the same....i just wanted to see if anything was there...but i guess her love burnt out in less than 2 weeks...

 

Thanks for listening and i would love some feedback or advice thank you very very much!

[SarahT111]

Thanks again!

 

Your right, I guess im waiting for someone to say "Hey Sarah it wasn't your fault, he was a real jerk"

I know it needs to come from within me but everything is so confusing right now. No one wants to think its their fault the love of their life left and is now happy with someone else. But how can you not think its your fault when you were told so in great detail and then replaced within 24 hours and not contacted ever again?

 

Everyone says time will heal but for me everyday passing is anther day he spends with her and another day my memory fades further and further away!

And I dont want that I no I should want him to be happy but I want to be that one that makes him happy! Not someone else!

I feel like ive changed so much since all this happened and now im ready to be a much better gf. So do I go and chase after him again?

I no hes not the best of bfnds but i miss him soo much and I wanna show him what a great gf i really can be! I dont want anyone else Im stuck on him and feel like ive runied my chance at happiness!

 

I read your blog and it was great! Your so positive and strong! I no i need to be more like you but its hard!! Very hard!! I dont think im ready to let him go yet and focus on myself! I just want him

 

And I do hope he learns and changes his ways! But I wanted him to learn for me and not for someone else!!

 

O well thanks for reading my rambling again! Your posts actually do make a big difference even tho it may seem to you like your wasting your time as i go on and on about the same stuff over and over again! But they really do help so thanks soooooooo much!

[Haohmaru]

I just wanna say that this is a touching thread, all told. (Except AW.) It's like a sappy movie you watch when you want to get emotional. I kind of like it sometimes.

[MattyTee]

Thanks again!

 

Your right, I guess im waiting for someone to say "Hey Sarah it wasn't your fault, he was a real jerk"

I know it needs to come from within me but everything is so confusing right now. No one wants to think its their fault the love of their life left and is now happy with someone else. But how can you not think its your fault when you were told so in great detail and then replaced within 24 hours and not contacted ever again?

 

Well, it's not about faults really - sorry! It doesn't matter if it's your fault or his, at the moment he's not interested in a 'fix'. I know that is horrible and hard to hear but that is what is. Remember, you don't know he's happy and again it doesn't matter. It's not your responsibility. The focus is to come off him and move to you. Are you happy? If not, why not? Is it just because of him, or is it something deeper? If you read back over your posts you can see that you often talk of him with someone new, that you want to be that person. Are you projecting yourself into a situation because of a lack of self-confidence?

 

Everyone says time will heal but for me everyday passing is anther day he spends with her and another day my memory fades further and further away!

And I dont want that I no I should want him to be happy but I want to be that one that makes him happy! Not someone else!

I feel like ive changed so much since all this happened and now im ready to be a much better gf. So do I go and chase after him again?

I no hes not the best of bfnds but i miss him soo much and I wanna show him what a great gf i really can be! I dont want anyone else Im stuck on him and feel like ive runied my chance at happiness!

 

For now my advice would be to not chase. Whatever your future may hold Sarah, this is a good time to stop, take stock of yourself and see whether there is anything that you can learn from the situation. I know exactly how you feel, because I changed a lot ... I did it for her. That is the wrong reason, I promise you Eventually I realised that and began to work on myself for me, no one else. Then I started feeling happy alone, even quite enjoying my company ... then ... I met this woman. Now I can't say this will happen to everyone, this is my experience. But the Universe can and will move in mysterious ways, perhaps all this is about learning something important for you? Perhaps this is about learning your own value?

 

Is it him you are wanting to show a great person to? Or is it perhaps ... you? Take some time to mull over that. Remember, any self-assurance we seek in other people is doomed to fail

 

I read your blog and it was great! Your so positive and strong! I no i need to be more like you but its hard!! Very hard!! I dont think im ready to let him go yet and focus on myself! I just want him

 

Or crazy and weird? I found strength as I needed it and it took time to feel positive - go back and read some older posts (October / November). You will see repeating thoughts, hurt and pain. I even called the Samaritans one evening because I could not cope.

 

And I do hope he learns and changes his ways! But I wanted him to learn for me and not for someone else!!

 

He has to learn for him sweety, anything else won't work

 

O well thanks for reading my rambling again! Your posts actually do make a big difference even tho it may seem to you like your wasting your time as i go on and on about the same stuff over and over again! But they really do help so thanks soooooooo much!

 

I never feel like I'm wasting my time. Ramble on

[MattyTee]

I just wanna say that this is a touching thread, all told. (Except AW.) It's like a sappy movie you watch when you want to get emotional. I kind of like it sometimes.

 

It almost sounds like we've got Hao to touch those parts that other threads cannot reach ...

 

No I'm not flirting, that was an ironic wink ...

[MattyTee]

Hey Sarah,

 

Hope that you are doing okay. Post and let us know

[SarahT111]

Hey Matty

 

Thanks for your concern!

Unfortunatly things aren't quite so good.

I went away with a few friends over the weekend expecting to have a good time and get my ex off my mind but it was the complete opposite.

I woke up every morning at about 4am with real physical pain in my heart, I couldnt' get back to sleep as it was hurting so bad and no matter how hard I tried he was constantly on my mind.

The pain didn't go through out the days and I got really irritated and snapped at my friends the entire time. I swung violently between being angry and rude to sad and depressed. He was in the back of my mind the entire time even tho I followed all your advice and tried to bring the focus back to me. I just couldn't tho. The whole time was a disater. I was in soo much pain and missed him more than anything else in the world. Nothing seems right anymore. Im sure my friends all hate me aswell because I am so rude and depressed

Things are really getting to much for me.

This whole experience is awful.

Every little thing I do makes me miss him more and its ripping my heart to pieces that he is happy and couldn't care less about my pain and sufffering without him Where did my loving and caring bf go? I would do anything in the world to have him here again!

 

I just don't know what to do anymore!! Its been just over two months yet the pain seeems to be almost getting worse Is there anything else I can do or am I a lost cause?