TMCM Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 A spouse who is happily married can become infected with the 'It's just sex' lie and turn his/her world upside down. Yes it's all 'fun and games' until the cuckold spouse discovers the truth. You might as well be searching for the Holy Grail. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 MarriedLife, you sound like a typical MM in that you want to have sex with someone else besides your W. The difference that makes you unique is that you want everybody else to be happy with that decision too. Believe it or not, I think your willingness to be above-board about it is an honorable attempt. However, most MM have already come to the conclusion that this just ain't gonna fly with the W, so they sneak around her. It would be great if we could get everybody else to go along with whatever we want. But that's just not the reality of it. So really, you're faced with the same awful predicament as most other MM: (1) Divorce your W and sleep with whomever you want without having to answer to anyone but yourself. (2) Stay married and cheat behind your W's back. (3) Stay married and be celibate. (4) Stay married and work out a better sex life with your W. (5) Get a legal separation from your W, but don't divorce her. Although (4) is the ideal situation, it almost never happens that way. I'm mystified as to why. If BS are really as in love with their H's as they say they are, I would assume that they would do everything they could to keep their H's happy. But they don't. They use sex as a weapon, as leverage over their H's. They don't make the effort. So in my view, the BS who withholds sex from her H is just as selfish as an H who cheats. It all evens out in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarriedLife Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 It would be great if we could get everybody else to go along with whatever we want. But that's just not the reality of it. (2) Stay married and cheat behind your W's back. (4) Stay married and work out a better sex life with your W. I WANT NUMBER 4 TO WORK!!! When we first got married I didn't even think of cheating. Not sure really what changed. Now here's what's strange. When I was with OW I really felt OW was all I needed. I felt content. Not sure how long my feelings of content would have lasted with OW. W and I email each other everyday. We are trying to build that heart-a-flutter passion again. Actually it's me that has that void. My wife says she is still madly in love with me. I want to be madly in love with her again. She's very pretty, good mother, all around good person. Despite the bs that went on in the past. I understand mistakes. My "mistakes" I took waaaaay to far. W even tells me she could get past my mistakes if I didn't use the L word to OW. To W the things I said to OW took away the special words I would say to my her. If I didn't take it to that level W would be hurt but not devestated if that makes any sense. Link to post Share on other sites
blackbird Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I WANT NUMBER 4 TO WORK!!! When we first got married I didn't even think of cheating. How long was it after marriage before you thought seriously about cheating? How long had you been together before you got married? Not sure really what changed. Can you hazard a guess? Do you have no idea at all? Link to post Share on other sites
the_dean Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I am not judging your behavior. I just want to say I understand the taboo factor and such. You obviously have issues with your partner or you wouldnt be doing this. Since you only liked people that were married, I suspect you were looking at the emotional aspect of it more than just sex. I tried a lot of expensive escorts because I didnt want the emotional part myself and ended up EA anyways. I would say divorce is probably the way to go. It doesnt sound like you are in a fullfilling situation. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 IMO you have this wandering eye either because you are naturally non-monogamous, or because you just aren't compatible enough with your wife. I suspect it's the former. Guys like you never change their ways, so I think you'd be far better off just accepting your nature and living your life that way. Not everyone has to be in a monogamous relationship, it sounds like swinging and/or an open marriage would suit you far better. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I think you should pursue individual counseling to address your obsession with married women and flings. I also think that you should divorce your W if you feel that monogamy is a falsehood - hell it might be...to YOU. I've personally witnessed many couples who were perfectly fine with monogamy and completely satisfied with one partner for the rest of their lives. If monogamy is not for him, then counselling won't make any sense. It would be like counselling a gay man to try and make him straight. Therapy can be useful in some situations, but changing someone's intrinsic sexuality is not one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 If monogamy is not for him, then counselling won't make any sense. It would be like counselling a gay man to try and make him straight. Therapy can be useful in some situations, but changing someone's intrinsic sexuality is not one of them. I wasn't commenting on that. He seems to have an inordinate obsession with married women. This is not about monogamy at all, and fixating on attached women has NOTHING to do with a person's intrinsic sexuality. If he simply wasn't monogamous, he would be able to be satisfied simply pursuing single women. He's not. He has a specific fantasy that he acts out over and over again = obsession. Obsession is not healthy. It's a sign of other mental issues. Link to post Share on other sites
basicinstinct Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I'm tired from just reading all you do! How do you manage? How do you concentrate on regular day to day stuff? I couldn't manage one side fling w/out getting off track. I also felt tired - and confused - from reading it. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I wasn't commenting on that. He seems to have an inordinate obsession with married women. This is not about monogamy at all, and fixating on attached women has NOTHING to do with a person's intrinsic sexuality. If he simply wasn't monogamous, he would be able to be satisfied simply pursuing single women. He's not. He has a specific fantasy that he acts out over and over again = obsession. Obsession is not healthy. It's a sign of other mental issues. Ah ok, I misunderstood your post, sorry about that. Link to post Share on other sites
johnny47 Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Well I only met 4 couples. Most of the time the meetings occured during lunch, happy hour nights or I took the day off. Prior to this it was 1 married woman and we met during a loong lunch break. I did want this all to get out. I wanted to be honest with W. So far we are still together. Talking is good. I want to fall back in love wit W again. maybe my oepn marriage feelings will go away Don't discount the swinging lifestyle. First of all, it's not all sex - yet I would say only 60% of it is. If you and W can locate a party nearby, striking up friendship with others in the lifestlye, she will really be surprised. There is a freedom there and a theraputic acceptence. Once my W and I and others were in deep discussion with a group of S friends infront of a fireplace and W noticed that each couple paired off in embraces were married (this after a night of "play"). They had played with others and were saving the last experience with a S. And it is usually the best sex ever. The 'good' parties are fun, with games, outrageous themes with costumes, special foods, dancing, massages, hot tub, pool. The broad range of people and the exciting conversations make attendance at the parties almost as enjoyable as the sex. It is a real escape, like going to Paris or Rio, for the night. One thing you have to understand, Swingers have an extraordinary low occurance of STD's. Condoms are a must. You will be banned from parties all around (there is a network) if you are caught not using one, even with your own W. Real swingers only fool around with their S consent and only at parties. The other thing is that it is a whole lifestyle - boating, horseback riding, golf, trips and you can usually find a couple or two that you are very compatible with. First I would take W to a party with a firm agreement that the only sex that will ever happen will between you two. Meet people, make dates to go the movies, dinner or dancing, then do 'soft' swinging -sex with your own spouse in the presence of another couple. You can go from there or just choose that mode permanently. Swinging has saved many marriages suffering from experiences of infidelty but their marriage should have a firm foundation in the first place. I mean by that you must love your S. Swinging is a way of rebuilding TRUST in a relationship. I know ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarriedLife Posted February 11, 2008 Author Share Posted February 11, 2008 How long was it after marriage before you thought seriously about cheating? How long had you been together before you got married? Can you hazard a guess? Do you have no idea at all? We were together for less than 4 months before we decided to get married. I think it was 4 years after marriage when I started to think about sleeping with other women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarriedLife Posted February 11, 2008 Author Share Posted February 11, 2008 I would say divorce is probably the way to go. It doesnt sound like you are in a fullfilling situation. Sometimes I believe that divorce is the only way to go simply because we are incompatible in regards to how we view sex and sexual relationships. I get the "lifestyle" mindset, and my W doesn't agree and is threatened by the thought of me sleeping with another woman. I'm not threatened by her and other men (or women). I can understand her reservations and I don't push the idea of an open marriage. I'm not so sure if these feelings I have which lead me to my acts, is a phase. During the honeymoon period with OW I felt no desire to look at other women, married or otherwise. Now that my feelings for OW have waned, if I was appraoced by a MW today and this MW wanted a no strings relationship and she had no plans to leave her H, then I'd be very comfortable having a relationship with her. She and I fulfilling that missing whatever but with no plans to leave our spouses. odd thinking I know Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarriedLife Posted February 11, 2008 Author Share Posted February 11, 2008 you are naturally non-monogamous, or because you just aren't compatible enough with your wife. Not everyone has to be in a monogamous relationship, it sounds like swinging and/or an open marriage would suit you far better. And I may just fit in that group. I JUST DON'T KNOW. As I stated earlier, early in my marriage the thought never occured to me. During the honeymoon period with OW, I had no desire to "swing" with the OW --even though the OW was open to the idea of her and I going out and "exploring" (although OW said she'd get jealous if another woman touched me) Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarriedLife Posted February 11, 2008 Author Share Posted February 11, 2008 Don't discount the swinging lifestyle. The 'good' parties are fun, Real swingers only fool around with their S consent and only at parties. First I would take W to a party with a firm agreement that the only sex that will ever happen will between you two. I mean by that you must love your S. Swinging is a way of rebuilding TRUST in a relationship. I know ! I know you and I are on the same page. With the couples I have met I embraced their openess. It was refreshing. Of course the downside was that I was cheating on my W. The couples I met obviously had some reservations however through our leadup conversations they saw I was sincere with what I was looking for and trusted me. I trusted them and it all worked out. I did bring up swinging parties to the W but because of what went on over the summer W views that lifestyle as a risk to our marriage. I don't blame her. Afterall I was the one that took the relationship with the OW too far. re: I began to develop feelings for the OW and the OW began to develop feelings for me. Link to post Share on other sites
johnny47 Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 I did bring up swinging parties to the W but because of what went on over the summer W views that lifestyle as a risk to our marriage. I don't blame her. Afterall I was the one that took the relationship with the OW too far. re: I began to develop feelings for the OW and the OW began to develop feelings for me. Boy are you honest and insightful. I see that your personality is such that sharing yourself needs emotional gratification as well as physical. The fact is that there should be 'feelings' shared between you and the OW but not to the extent that they overshadow the 'feelings' you have with W. These 'hyper feelings' should only amplify your love for you wife. Obviously the OW was not being honest with you. She was seeking a relationship to fulfill a deep seated need and you responded. I must admit that the most successful female swingers are 'bi' . This population has discovered the secret of unselfishness and the necessity to please others, most of them know how to live for the moment because they can compartmentalize their lives. It seems to me your W cannot. As time goes on she will learn to do this, because age seperates the memories of life and important things to her now become insignificant. Swinging will not be needed, the fantasy will fade into cherished memories. THIS GOES FOR YOU TOO! Infidelity will mean not being truthful to others but not being truthful yourself. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 I've known a few people in the lifestyle and it has ruined those marriages every time. Link to post Share on other sites
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