yumatub Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 In 1989 she confessed to an affair she had 10 years prior while we were single and had been dating for over a year. She was 19 at the time. I took it pretty hard when she told me. She shrugged it off with a "we weren't even married at the time" comment. 5 years ago (after being married for 23 years) she confessed to another affair. She's 49 now, dresses to the 9's, and is still very attractive. We've made it together though it's been tough. She's seems sincere about not doing it again and tells me she loves me every day. My insecurity drives me to ask the question, "Will she do it again?" and seek answers from those that may have an opinion, good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 In 1989 she confessed to an affair she had 10 years prior while we were single and had been dating for over a year. She was 19 at the time. I took it pretty hard when she told me. She shrugged it off with a "we weren't even married at the time" comment. My H tried using this excuse with me too when he cheated on me while dating. The old "we're not married so I can basically do what I want" excuse. Of course they don't tell you their intentions in the relationship so you can also date others. I asked him how he would have felt if I went out on him - he would have been hurt he says. You say she cheated again after 23 years of marriage. I don't think I could trust someone who cheated on you and saw the devastation it caused you as you say you "took it pretty hard" then she can turn around and do it again knowing the pain it caused you the first time around. My H also cheated while dating and though I forgave him, as we were dating, and he saw how much I hurt, he still continued to cheat. That I can't forgive. I know in my case we're divorcing because I couldn't stand that he cheated on me over and over while dating. Seems you've tried to get past the cheating and make your marriage work but with me, I couldn't stand to question everyday of my life "Will he do it again?" Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Humm..it's hard to say... Don't worry about it.. every time she cheats, she confesses... so at least you know every time... No one can predict the future... she might do it again if she meets the right guy, she might never do it again.. My deep deep deep thought: she'll do it again... she's not that old yet.. she's still attractive.. if a young hunk chase her.. chances are she'll give in.. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Dud, it's over why stay. She wont do it again??? lol. She's done it before so clearly her word cannot amount to anything. She's a liar and cheater, release her and yourself from the marriage so she can get slutted out and get a train ran on her. And you can find a single monogomus woman who's incredible. Why stay with a woman who you can't trust! That's what I'm asking you! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 .. Don't worry about it.. every time she cheats, she confesses... so at least you know every time... Yes, as long as you are willing to wait 10 years to find out. " Oh Honey, by the way, I cheated on you in the Spring of '98 " It's not a coincidence that someone who cheated on you BEFORE you were married cheated on you again AFTER you were married. There is a quote in the business world that says " the best indicator of future performance is past performance ". Keep that in mind... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 In 1989 she confessed to an affair she had 10 years prior while we were single and had been dating for over a year. She was 19 at the time. I took it pretty hard when she told me. She shrugged it off with a "we weren't even married at the time" comment. 5 years ago (after being married for 23 years) she confessed to another affair. She's 49 now, dresses to the 9's, and is still very attractive. We've made it together though it's been tough. She's seems sincere about not doing it again and tells me she loves me every day. My insecurity drives me to ask the question, "Will she do it again?" and seek answers from those that may have an opinion, good or bad. She is a waste of space. If she is really sorry and sincere about not doing it again... she will sign divorce papers that give you EVERYTHING! Retirement, house, spousal support, full custody of any children... everything. Then you can date her... and she can TRUST that you wont throw her out with nothing! The time for you to trust is over! It should be her time now! Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 My question is what reasons did she give for betraying you this way again five years ago and why did she tell you now? Link to post Share on other sites
LadyDi Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 What brought on the confession anyway? Were you guys talking about affairs/cheating? Did she just come out of left field with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author yumatub Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 My question is what reasons did she give for betraying you this way again five years ago and why did she tell you now? [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Had suspicions that she was up to something. Told me she needed to get away for a couple of days so she rented a motel room close to where she worked. She hid some lingerie in a bag in her car. I found it. I didn’t mention that but started questioning her. She eventually confessed. [/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
Author yumatub Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 What brought on the confession anyway? Were you guys talking about affairs/cheating? Did she just come out of left field with that? Had sneaking suspicions that she was up to something. Told me she needed to get away for a couple of days so she rented a motel room close to where she worked. She hid some lingerie in a bag in her car. I found it. I didn’t mention that but started questioning her. She eventually confessed. Link to post Share on other sites
johnny47 Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 My feeling is that she has done it many more times than she is confessing. It's like a serial killer who hasn't been active in many years and then suddenly kills again. The police later find that they have been active all along. The real key is that she told you about an affair that happen a long time ago. Pathological liars usually tell part of the truth to hide more devastating truths, actions that cannot be forgiven like the breaking of maritial vows. I think you know that W is troubled and that is why you are posting. My advice to you is to see a lawyer and make sure all of your assets are secure, even change your beneficiary to a third party if you feel you need to. Then tell your W along with the reason why you have done it. Her reaction will be key. If she gets extremely upset then you know she doesn't get it and really doesn't understand how deeply she hurt you. Time to let her go. If she understands and accepts it, you two should see a MC in order to finds ways to forgive. Link to post Share on other sites
JustBreathe Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 (edited) I'm five years out from my H's confession. Or should I say confessions as there was more than one incident. Like your wife, he only confessed because he had no choice. Do you still love her? I mean it has been five years and you are still tormented. I can honestly say that I do not love my husband anymore. He never wanted to do the work to rebuild my trust and earn back my love until it was far too late. Once those feelings are dead, they are dead. Edited to add that: I'm sorry. I know you hurt but I agree with Johnny and those who say she has probably done it more than you think. Edited February 8, 2008 by JustBreathe Link to post Share on other sites
Author yumatub Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 She swears she hasn't cheated other than the 2 times she admitted it. I'm confused as to whether or not to even count the first time since we were young, only dating at the time... and it was so long ago. I had given her an engagement ring but shortly thereafter admitted to having second thoughts. She gave it back and was real cool to me for 2-3 months after that even though we continued to date. I found out that was the time frame for the first time. She has always worked in a larger city about 25 miles away but never had to travel, was home every night at the same time (as best I can recall). Seems to me that the only time she could have done this again was when I travel which is only 3-4 times a year. She is a flirt and will admit that (come to think of it, I'm a flirt too... so can I blame her for being one?) She works around mostly men and when we see them for work get-togethers, the're quick to tell me what a great woman she is and how hard she works. She's a hell of a good mother and doesn't neglect any responsibility on the home front. Yep... I'm tormented. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 OK.. let's say we don't count the first time as you were married then... In 25 years, she only did it once... are you going to give up a comfortable life with your family, friends, just because she cheated once... in 25 years.. come on.. now ... I bet you love her, you love your life with her.. she probably loves you more than you think.. just because she confessed she betrayed you ONCE.. you can't throw out your life like that and be miserable alone.. It doesn't make sense to me... First of all, I do not believe in monogamy for an entire life.. that too doesn't make sense to me.. but I know some people probably are faithful all their life.. not because they're 'in love' with their SO but they don't have the energy or the stamina to start all over again... Link to post Share on other sites
Trojan John Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 OK.. let's say we don't count the first time as you were married then... In 25 years, she only did it once... are you going to give up a comfortable life with your family, friends, just because she cheated once... in 25 years.. come on.. now ... I bet you love her, you love your life with her.. she probably loves you more than you think.. just because she confessed she betrayed you ONCE.. you can't throw out your life like that and be miserable alone.. It doesn't make sense to me... First of all, I do not believe in monogamy for an entire life.. that too doesn't make sense to me.. but I know some people probably are faithful all their life.. not because they're 'in love' with their SO but they don't have the energy or the stamina to start all over again... Don't forget that she lied (by omission) about it as well. No matter how much I love my wife and my life with her, if she were to cheat on me -- essentially breaking our marriage vows -- that would be serious grounds for divorce. How great a life can you have if you're emotionally distraught over your SO's actions? Marriage by definition implies monogamy. If you want attention from outside the marriage, then you don't need to be married. Simple as simple. Yumatub: Whether it's insecurity or just plain gut instinct talking, you're have every right to be wary. Her past behaviour proves it. It's up to you to decide whether or not you can continue to live with it. I also agree with some of the others that she is most likely hiding other incidences. Many people, even when confronted with concrete proof, will continue to lie about and downplay the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
JustBreathe Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 It's a long process arriving at the decision to end your marriage after over a quarter century together. I have been married 25 years. Alot of times people don't get divorced and just live mutually unfulfilled together. There are children and grandchildren, relatives and close friends to consider. There are financial things, retirement plans, property issues, health issues, employment issues, just lots of stuff. Taking down a 20-plus year long marriage is a big big decision. We've given our lives to our spouses for a quarter century. So, we take our time with it, then find ourselves 5 or 10 years down the road still in limbo. Limping along, unfulfilled like I said. Personally, I'm tired. I've been in individual counseling for about 3 years now, at first once a week and now once a month. It has helped me a great deal to focus on what I want instead of my H and my marriage. I am still sad, bitter and I miss how things once were at times, I have a mind, memories and pictures to remind me of how they once were, but I know what's best for me now. Maybe you could try individual counseling to try to gain focus -- enough distance from the questions running through your mind and the doubt and distrust and fear to see your path clear. Some things hurt too much to try to deal with it yourself. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
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