Ms. Red Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 While it may be unorthodox, let me be the first to congratulate you. You seem to have more positive things to say about this than any negative. That's why I feel a congrats is appropriate. You mentioned that guy you dated seems more like a good friend. He sounds like it. He's probably one of those people that are put in our lives for a reason. He may end up being a big support for you in this. Take Care. =^-^= Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 erm....make that the 2nd person . I was typing my response & ran out of the room for a bit when "becauseofyou" was posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 Gwyneth, Congratulations on being preggers! From your posts, you sound very positive about bringing your baby into this world. I'm sure telling the NG has put you at ease a little, if not a lot. It always helps to tell someone and to know that he's fine with it, that shows he's a catch.. and single! Who knows - things might just turn for the better in the near future. Oh and you are right, you don't need the harsh words or to be put down at a time like this. Just make sure you concentrate on yourself and being pregnant. There is no time for any more drama so losing the MM is a good thing. You're in my thoughts! Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 Be a grown up and tell the father. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 I can't believe people kicking Gwyneth when she's down...keep your 'i told you so's' to yourself - it is really, really mean!! Big congratulations Gwyneth...and its really brave deciding to bring up the baby alone - thats awesome of you - there'll be so many great things about having a little kiddie in your life (-; I defo think you should take your legal friends advice and have him acknowledged as the father tho, so the child knows who their dad is - and that he is accountable. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I can't believe people kicking Gwyneth when she's down...keep your 'i told you so's' to yourself - it is really, really mean!! What "I told you so's"? The truth is not very palatable, I will admit that. But I haven't seen anyone saying that. And, even if they did, what's so mean about pointing out that a person has been warned and that they have reaped what they have sown? I think the legal options of getting him out of the child's life are good ideas, IF he chooses to go along with them. If he doesn't, there isn't anything that she can do to keep him from requesting the courts to give him visitation rights, overnight rights, etc., etc., etc.. Gwen, I wish you no ill will. I don't think you owe any of us here a show of remorse, but it would be nice to see a change in perspective revealed. His W has never done a thing to you, except call you and not say anything, so please stop equating her character to his. You are very right that you have many more things on your mind to consider, as you do. But don't ignore the other things too - the circumstances and decisions that led to this situation. Those still need to be dealt with in order for you to be the best mom you can be to your little one. Now is going to be a time for introspection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted February 9, 2008 Author Share Posted February 9, 2008 Thank you to those who have been supportive under the circumstances. I missed my appointment today--one of my doctor's patients went into labor and she needed to reschedule me. So now I am hopefully going on Monday. I might see the MM tomorrow on my way to work--I'm a bit weary. I really, really, REALLY do not want him to know. I told my boss today that I am pregnant--she said, "my dear Gwyneth, best of luck and please let me know how I can support you." I'm glad I got that out of the way. A part of me was a bit scared to tell her because I don't want her to think I'm going to leave. She is going to have her assistant prepare all the paper work I need for the maternity leave. I told her, of course, that my doctor appointment isn't until Monday. She said either way, she will be supportive. It's lovely having a female boss I'm feeling a bit better today minus the early stages of pregnancy. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Gwyn - I'm sure things must seem a bit out of control now, lots of changes all at once, but stay strong and focused. I hope the pregnancy goes well. On the tell / don't tell MM side - you're the only one that knows that situation, so you're best placed to make that call, not us. Do what you think is right, because you're the one who'll have to answer to your kid one day when you're asked, and you'll need an answer you're comfortable giving because none of us will be around to give it for you. Oh, and since you never actually mentioned it, I hope that the physical side of the A with your MM was all you'd hoped it would be after that long build-up, and wasn't just a disappointment... so that at least you've got some good memories to carry with you. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Siblings by blood, that's all. I might not even tell people who the father is--so far only my sister knows. Do you really think you can raise a child and not tell family or even the child who the father is? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 On the tell / don't tell MM side - you're the only one that knows that situation, so you're best placed to make that call, not us. Do what you think is right, because you're the one who'll have to answer to your kid one day when you're asked, and you'll need an answer you're comfortable giving because none of us will be around to give it for you. Absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 On the tell / don't tell MM side - you're the only one that knows that situation, so you're best placed to make that call, not us. Do what you think is right, because you're the one who'll have to answer to your kid one day when you're asked, and you'll need an answer you're comfortable giving because none of us will be around to give it for you. Absolutely. Bent! You are not playing by the rules! You are BW and I am OW and we are supposed to argue, not agree! You're the one who sees things in B&W, remember? Gwyn - one thing you do need to remember, being pregnant - stress is not good for you or your baby. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with positive people. And when you visit LS, put the flame-throwers on iggy - don't even engage with people who haven't anything constructive to say. You have enough to deal with without still fighting pointless battles here with faceless people who mean nothing in your life or the life of your child. Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I pop on every now and then hoping for an update on you gwen. Last I read you were heading out on a date. I personally am so sad to read this latest news. I'm a single mum and wouldnt not wish it on a soul. However - only you know whats best for you to do. I wanted to offer you a word of caution on thinking you will manage not to tell your child who its father is. I am speaking from personal experience - I'm not willing to go into it here, but I can say that however you feel about it now will probably NOT be how you feel about it in a few years time. Your child has a right to know, if you know, who its father is. Your sister knows, its too big a secret Gwen. It will come out. I also believe that the father has a right to now. Please - if you want to pm me then do - and I'll expalin where I'm comming from to give you a different perspective on it. Best of luckx Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Don't you think a child has a right to know who their father is? And vice versa? I think witholding this is a really bad idea. Either you have to lie to your kid, or tell them and then when they get older they will track the father down, make no mistake. How will you feel if the father is dead before the kid can find him, and then your son/daughter blames you for this mess? I realise why you don't want to involve him, but really you should be putting the child's interests at heart, rather than your own. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I pop on every now and then hoping for an update on you gwen. Last I read you were heading out on a date. I personally am so sad to read this latest news. I'm a single mum and wouldnt not wish it on a soul. However - only you know whats best for you to do. I wanted to offer you a word of caution on thinking you will manage not to tell your child who its father is. I am speaking from personal experience - I'm not willing to go into it here, but I can say that however you feel about it now will probably NOT be how you feel about it in a few years time. Your child has a right to know, if you know, who its father is. Your sister knows, its too big a secret Gwen. It will come out. I also believe that the father has a right to now. Please - if you want to pm me then do - and I'll expalin where I'm comming from to give you a different perspective on it. Best of luckx This is excellent advice... Don'*t be naive and think you can get away with no real answers for your child's entire life... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I'm not sure how you can keep it a secret, don't the two of you work in the same place? If so, he'll hear it through the grapevine, especially when you're off on maternity leave. I know this wasn't planned, and the cards you've been dealt with now isn't easy...When you go see your family Dr, talk to him about this too. I just hope you aren't making a big mistake by not telling MM about his baby... Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Just my 2 cents, and you can do with it what you would like. What I don't get is, you feel its ok for you to sleep with a MM, but yet you're not sure if he needs to know you're carrying his child. I think you do what you feel you need to do, BUT I think its only right that he and his family know so he can be given the choice of what to do, wheather he wants to be in the childs life or not. I think its only fair. Also it gives his family a choice in the matter as well, if his wife feels its ok to stay with him etc. Its not going to be pretty I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Maybe I am following this story differently? I have read the term 'sperm donor' more then once. Coupled with (over time) an apathetic attitude about the whole affair business. I think Gwen got what she wanted. A baby, although not medically confirmed. Most doctor's offices will do the test for you even if the doctor is out. Maybe she is a little afraid to actually confirm it? I don't know. With the prospect of pregnancy she can now begin to look at this MM in a bad light. So to further serve the perspective she needs to raise this child on her own and re enforce her decision to not tell him about it or let him be part of their lives. However, she has told 3-4 people already. Sister, a guy she went on a date with, boss and boss's assistant. I think Gwen is probably counting on the news to get back to the MM in the grapevine sense. Then again, I might be reading her story from a different perspective? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I think you do what you feel you need to do, BUT I think its only right that he and his family know so he can be given the choice of what to do, wheather he wants to be in the childs life or not. I think its only fair. I agree with this. I know how agonizing the tell/don't tell thing is - BUT- I also know that the child is going to see other fathers one day (at day care, at school, in church, at the mall, at the grocery store) and will want to know where his is. If you get this situated before the questions come up, you will be in a better position to avoid much of the distrust that the kids sometimes feel when they find out that mom conspired to lie to them. I don't think doing it so the MM's family can move on is what you should be concerned with. I think you should do it for the well-being of your child. You don't want the child to grow up thinking that it wasn't good enough for one of its parents, or that mom purposely kept the him/her away from the father. Its easy to do with an infant and a non-verbal toddler. But not so much once the child starts reasoning and interacting with other kids. Its not a good idea to lie to a child as its parent. Especially about something as important as the "who am I" question that is really being asked when they want to know who daddy is. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 IMO everyone involved should know. The father of the child, his wife and the child later on. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I say, wheather you tell him or not that is totally up to you, Because either way, I think at some point, it will all come out in the wash anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Another thing I just thought of Gwen, your dynamtic with the MM in general. You two seem to have always had a cat and mouse game going on, and not too long ago you did end it, then went back to him...Ended it and then went back..I do believe atleast one of those times you meant it, but your feelings for him always resurface. Right now you say you don't want him in your life, hate to say it but your history so far with this guy proves otherwise. It also may be alot of stress into your life by NOT telling him. Continually having to lie and hide from him will take alot out of you..Atleast if he knows, it's final and can be dealt with properly. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 IMO everyone involved should know. The father of the child, his wife and the child later on. I agree that everyone should know. I just think that the reason for everyone knowing is the benefit of the child. Not so that the BW can decide whether or not to stay M'd to the man. Telling isn't for that benefit. Telling, to me, isn't for the benefit of MMs family (his telling his family is for that reason). Gwen wouldn't be telling the MMs family. She'll be telling him as the father of the child. He is the one with the multiple obligations - his M, his stepchild, his extended family, etc., and then the new child. Telling is because decisions will need to be made for the child's care and upbringing. Given the chance and choice, I don't think this MM would want to be a part of this child's life and would jump at the opportunity to sign away his parental rights when they will free him up of any financial obligation to the child (and free him from the need to ever have to tell his W if it went down like that). But, that's just my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Medically speaking - And never say never, but if that child needed a transplant, bone marrow or whatever - There is a huge reason why MM should know that he has a child. Finding matches are sometimes impossible... Also, Gwen do you know your MM's health history? His parents, grandparents, etc? It would be good to know what diseases or conditions could run in his family. There's alot to think about, not just short term stuff... Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Before anyone was told or is told. She should confirm that she even is. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I completely understand what you're saying. I understand its more so for the benefit of the child. However, IMO (doesn't mean its right or wrong) I think the wife needs to know as well, because she does have a say so in wheather or not she wants to remain in a situation where her H has slept with another woman and created a child. "But that is jsut my thoughts." As they are mine. We all have put our opinons on the table, now its time for the OP to do alot of soul searching in what she feels she needs to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts