It's been a Bad year so far...

[Lyssa]

Hi Gwyn,

 

I went through a surprising and unplanned pregnancy ten+ years ago and I was so scared. I told my sister first as well:) I, too, wrestled with some of the same decisions you are wrestling with. Worrying about decisions that need to be made further down the line robbed me of one of the sweetest and most wonderful times of my life...my pregnancy with the most wonderful wrecking ball that's ever come into my life. My daughter.

 

One thing I can tell you for sure is that the different things you are imagining might happen in the future most likely won't...at least not the way you are imagining it today. You have time to think about disclosure to whom you want and when you want. Did my child turn my life completely upside down? Without a doubt. She was also instrumental in what would be the most redemptive part of my life. Yes, its expensive and frightening to raise a child alone...I did it without a dime of child support. I had people around me that supported me and some that didn't. Is it unfair that a child is raised without one of their parents even when due to the conduct of one of those parents? Yes, it is. Is it also unfair that some kids are raised with two parents in their lives but without the love of either? Yes, it is. Life is unfair in many ways.

 

I'm certainly not dismissing the enormity of what you are going through... what I would like to remind you of is that if you have made the decision to keep this child then please consider giving yourself the grace to let this unfold one day or even one hour at a time. Everyone processes hearing things like this through their own sifter and it can push some really painful buttons that bring on a lot of the judgment you've received on this thread. Thankfully, some people offer truth and kindness. Do your best to remember that this is the very safest place in the world to condemn others at times as the people posting here have no face.

 

Your baby was planned by someone far greater than you or anyone else...of that I am sure. He or she is not a mistake.

 

My advice is to surround yourself with people who really love you and will speak truth into your life. Truth can and should come with empathy and in love. You will most certainly have to wrestle with all of these decisions in time, but you don't have to do it today or even this week. Like I tell my daughter when she is overwhelmed with something that seems far too big to handle...lets break into bites instead of trying to eat the whole thing at once...if you don't, you'll choke.

 

Most importantly...pray, pray, pray...you will be met! It won't be easy but you can have tremendous joy in this new life.

 

This post made me cry . Such thoughtful and as Bent put it, beautiful post!

 

G - This is not the time to get yourself stressed. Take what you think is the best for you from the posts here and ignore the ones that are just giving you a hard time. You're the one that is going through this in your life. You have your reasons for not telling the father and people should respect that. Be it for the good of the child or not, it's your decision to make. Who knows, you might change your mind later on which is again, in any case it's your choice, your life.

 

This is the time for you to clear your mind and take good care of yourself and your baby. Please keep us updated cause there are people here who really care and support you in times like this.

 

[[[hugs]]]

[Gwyneth]

I will keep you updated I am looking forward to the next 9 months.

[OpenBook]

I will keep you updated I am looking forward to the next 9 months.

 

Once you get past the morning sickness (about 3 months), the second trimester is absolutely awesome. You feel great, like you're on top of the world. And you literally GLOW. Other people notice it. It's fabulous!

[Gwyneth]

What is this "glow" thing anyway? What means? I hope MM doesn't notice--highly doubtful anyway as he can't tell his right from left.

[OpenBook]

What is this "glow" thing anyway? What means? I hope MM doesn't notice--highly doubtful anyway as he can't tell his right from left.

 

Your cheeks are a little flushed, in all the right places. Your skin has a soft luster. Your eyes sparkle. Your lips are red. It's breathtakingly beautiful.

[Gwyneth]

This Always happens? I don't remember this from my first time. Well, I was a mess anyway, and no one ever said anything like this to me. I just don't want MM to have any suspicions.

[OpenBook]

This Always happens? I don't remember this from my first time. Well, I was a mess anyway, and no one ever said anything like this to me. I just don't want MM to have any suspicions.

 

Well, every woman's pregnancy is a little different, but yes, generally it happens. Every woman I know who's been pregnant has gotten "the glow" even with their 2nd and 3rd child. Now keep in mind this happens during the second trimester (months 4-6). You've got to get through the morning sickness first!

[norajane]

This Always happens? I don't remember this from my first time. Well, I was a mess anyway, and no one ever said anything like this to me. I just don't want MM to have any suspicions.

 

 

You don't think he'll have suspicions when you walk through the lobby 6 months pregnant and he counts backwards to when he didn't use the condom/it fell off/it broke/whatever happened? Gwyneth, he is going to have suspicions. You need to accept that and decide what you'll do about it. Maybe not today, but you can't cover your eyes like a kid and believe he won't see you because you don't see him.

[Gwyneth]

I didn't have morning sickness the first time so hopefully I'll luck out this time as well. I just had majorly sore boobs.

 

About him being suspicious, well yes, very true, but I can avoid him if I have to. It would just take me having to change around my schedule a little and taking a different route to work. Plus he said he wants to change his schedule to nights so that when their baby is born (if she's pregnant), he won't have to be around at night (and this is the man some of you think I should tell I'm pregnant with his child). So I won't see him most likely.

[Ms. Red]

 

You don't think he'll have suspicions when you walk through the lobby 6 months pregnant and he counts backwards to when he didn't use the condom/it fell off/it broke/whatever happened? Gwyneth, he is going to have suspicions. You need to accept that and decide what you'll do about it. Maybe not today, but you can't cover your eyes like a kid and believe he won't see you because you don't see him.

 

 

 

We had this woman at my job who showed up on her day off one day pushing a stroller. Turned out it was her baby she had 18 months earlier. She only missed 3 days for the birth. She kept the baby at her boyfriends house. NONE of us at work ever noticed. HER family was totally clueless also. We saw this woman every day & she stilled lived at home with her parents during all of it.

 

It can be done!

[Gwyneth]

Yeah, it can be done. I had a friend who didn't know she was pregnant until she went into labor. The woman didn't even look pregnant! I hadn't seen her, but one of my BFFs saw her a week or two prior to the friend giving birth, and said she didn't look it at all. So yeah, it can be done--baggy clothes, etc. I'll tell him I am getting fat, I don't know, I can hide it. Many women hide it. I'll try at least.

[Owl]

I don't think you "owe" it to him to tell him anything at all. Just because he left the condom off, or whatever...doesn't entitle him to anything at all, IMHO.

 

I'd say that you DO need to find a way to ensure that he stays out of your life from now on tho.

 

You say the only way you can avoid him is by changing your schedule. It seems to me that this would be a small price to pay for the peace of mind you'd get as a result.

 

Kick him to the curb...and leave him there. Start taking care of you and your starting family.

[jj2007]

he has a family of 3--possibly 4, and makes less than 60k per year. so how a family of 3 survives on that much money is pretty amazing to me.

 

It can definately be done!!! I raise two teenage boys and I make a little less than $20,000 a year!!!

 

Good luck. You are going to need it.

[Gwyneth]

Thank you!

 

Owl, this means a lot coming from a man himself. I trust you know what you're talking about. I can avoid him if I really have to. And I will!

[White Flower]

Hey G,

 

I've been away from LS for a while. I'm sorry to hear about the pregnancy and I'm sorry he dropped the bomb on you about his W's pregnancy. What timing.

 

I skimmed through the last few posts so hope I don't say something that's already been said. We talk about karma and the universe and I just wonder why this guy shouldn't have to pay for his flesh and blood. All of his flesh and blood. Maybe it is his path to learn how not to play women against each other? And to not spread his seed so carelessly.

 

I know you think he'd be a bad father, but there's more to think about. And I really hope to not offend you with this next thought, but would you really sleep with someone you thought was so bad? Or, did you suddenly have an epiphany? I ask with sincerity because it is possible that you suddenly saw the light at the very end.

 

Here's a great big hug. You are strong and I know you'll get through this. Your sister is your rock right now and you're lucky to have her.

 

(((hugs)))

[Gwyneth]

Thank you, White Flower. I can't explain why I slept with him for the fact that its personal. I am very angry with him right now because while he and his wife were in the process of trying for baby, he still carried on an affair with me and neglected to tell me until last weekend. What kind of person tries for a baby and continues to cheat on wife?

 

For me, parenthood is the most special and important level in life--even over marriage. Its one thing when u cheat on your spouse, but don't cheat on your child--especially an innocent-unborn child. He knows how I feel abt that too yet he was keeping it from me until he had to tell me. Had he told me from the start that they'd be trying, then I wouldn't be in this predictament right now. I am very happy to be pregnant even given the abnormal circunstances. Its unfortunate for my child MM is the father, known as the sperm donor.

 

I am meeting my mother today for lunch--hopefully--and plan on telling her the news. Whether I tell sperm donor or not will all depend on my mother's opinion on the matter.

[lovelorcet]

For me, parenthood is the most special and important level in life--even over marriage. Its one thing when u cheat on your spouse, but don't cheat on your child--especially an innocent-unborn child.

 

 

And robbing your child of the identity of its father is not cheating it in anyway?

[GreenEyedLady]

And robbing your child of the identity of its father is not cheating it in anyway?

 

It takes more than donating sperm to be a father...

[lovelorcet]

It takes more than donating sperm to be a father...

 

I completely agree but is it really fair to rob a child of any chance of having a relationship with its father. Also, how do you explain that to your child?

 

This is beside the fact that it already seems like a few people know about the situation, there is a real chance they will bump into each other or some how this guy will hear that she is pregnant.

 

All in all this just sounds like she has a detachment from reality on her part.

[whichwayisup]

What kind of person tries for a baby and continues to cheat on wife?

 

The same type of man who cheats on his wife and step-son. The same type of man who told you many times that he can't be faithful, who can't control himself. The type same man who is in it for himself and incredibly selfish, wants what he wants.......From day one you knew this MM and his game.

 

Yes, do all that you can to go out of your way so you don't have to see him. Take another route to work, even if it's an inconvience to you. Avoid avoid avoid...Because if you can't, he WILL figure out he is the father of your child and demand a paternity test.

[Owl]

You're really not going to like my response.

 

She's not cheating her child out of anything.

 

What, the chance to get to know a slimeball like this guy???

 

Oh yeah, they're gonna benefit tons from forming a relationship with him, solely because he was the one who DELIBERATELY set things up so that she could potentially get pregnant.

 

PLEASE!!!

 

She'd do her future child a far better service by learning from what she's done, and find someone who really CAN be a true father for her child. Someone who's not already taken...who's not already proven that he couldn't provide a moral example to a randy billy goat.

 

She should get as much information on his medical history as she can, to safegaurd her child going forward...and then leave this guy in the past so fast there's a hole in the air where she was standing.

 

And I know this is going to seem harsh, Gwen, but I mean it honestly.

 

She needs to grow up. Stop feeling all the time, and start thinking a little more. Take some time to heal...and set your sights on a man who's single, who's capable of being the kind of man that you need/want in your life long term. Someone who'll be there for both you, and your baby.

[lovelorcet]

You're really not going to like my response.

 

She's not cheating her child out of anything.

 

What, the chance to get to know a slimeball like this guy???

 

Oh yeah, they're gonna benefit tons from forming a relationship with him, solely because he was the one who DELIBERATELY set things up so that she could potentially get pregnant.

 

PLEASE!!!

 

She'd do her future child a far better service by learning from what she's done, and find someone who really CAN be a true father for her child. Someone who's not already taken...who's not already proven that he couldn't provide a moral example to a randy billy goat.

 

She should get as much information on his medical history as she can, to safegaurd her child going forward...and then leave this guy in the past so fast there's a hole in the air where she was standing.

 

And I know this is going to seem harsh, Gwen, but I mean it honestly.

 

She needs to grow up. Stop feeling all the time, and start thinking a little more. Take some time to heal...and set your sights on a man who's single, who's capable of being the kind of man that you need/want in your life long term. Someone who'll be there for both you, and your baby.

 

I really do agree with most of what you said, epically the last part but I just think that there is a very big chance that this guy is going to find out at some point and that she need to be prepared for that.

 

And it is very possible that by the time this child starts to wonder where daddy is that all parties involved will be in different positions.

 

I don't want this to sound mean but if you read through her posts she is delusional about a great many things.

 

Like you said it is time to grow up and start thinking.

[imstunned]

I think what the main argument is, is that this child has the right to knowlege not to be witheld about its identity. About its genetic father. Where he/she came from IF the knowledge is there. For it to be witheld is against the rights of the child.

 

What I think would be a sesnible idea is for Gywn to try and gather facts together about MM - like height, hair colour, build, eye colour, education, etc and THEN in the future - she will have some information to give to her child about its genetic father. If he is to be viewed as a sperm donor then this is the kind of information any recipient has. This is enough for some children. The desire of a child to know and discover its roots should not be underestimated. It was the whole reason that the laws regarding this issue were changed in the UK some years ago. Now if a man donates sperm he cannot be annonymous. The child has the right to his identity.

 

Should the MM never find out about this baby, and move jobs etc then it would be unfortunate should Gywn feelings on this issue change and she cant track him down. You can never really anticipate how your will feel the future. As ever - just my opinion.

[OWoman]

OK I'm going to be the dissenting voice yet again ...

 

I raised my kids as a single parent. Nothing broke, they've turned out just fine, in college, doing well. No input at all from their father - I left when they were in nappies - either financial or emotional or anything (no cards or calls on birthdays, he just "forgot" he had kids and moved on with his life elsewhere). They survived fine - they got their adult male role modelling from male friends of mine who are great guys and from sports coaches and school teachers and extended family like grandparents and uncles. Statistics say boys from single parent homes are more likely to go to jail, more likely to have problems in school, more likely to be all kinds of delinquent, but my boy was the model student all through school, is still the kindest and most caring of any of his male friends and has a level of maturity and responsibility unusual in his age group. Stats might shed light on context, but they don't determine life path. It can work.

 

In school there were lots of kids from single parent families. Several of these kids didn't know and had never met their fathers. Some had a name and a photo, others had nothing. One boy knew nothing more of his father than that he was "overseas", and one girl was proud that her father was "a gay friend of my mothers' (a lesbian couple) who decided to make their dream come true" even though she'd never met him, as the donation was only made on the condition of anonymity. One kid was the product of a rape. Even in this case, his mother always told the kid that whatever happened between her and his father didn't make her love him (the kid) less; that she'd chosen to keep him because he was HER child and not just the child of his father; and that he was given to her as a gift and as a gift she treasured him. These kids are all well-adjusted, nice, high-functioning young people these days. It's possible.

 

It takes hard work, it takes lots of support for the single parent, and it takes lots of love - but who's to say Gwyn doesn't have this?

 

If Gwyn - who has the information and is best placed to make a call on whether MM would be good for her child as a father or not - wants to make it work, the possibility is there for her to do so. If Gwyn is happy to answer to her child in the years to come when she's asked, "who's my daddy?", that's her call. She's the one who'll be there, not us.

[Gwyneth]

I talked to my mom today, and here is what she said:

 

She first asked how many times he has called me since we last had sex, or how many times has he even tried to contact me--the answer is Hardly at all.

 

She asked how many times since the day you thought the condom was on has he contacted you; the answer is Hardly. Granted we have been having a rough month of arguing and so forth, but still--hardly.

 

She asked, "how many times has he called you today to see if you are okay?"

 

My reply was zero. I haven't even heard from him since this past weekend when I saw him. I have emailed him three times since last Thursday and nothing. Well, he gave me his usual smile on Saturday but I ignored him because I am still Very angry about the possibility of his wife being pregnant.

 

She said "there's your answer--obviously he doesn't care, and had I spoken to him, who knows, you might say "hey, I'm pregnant, and it's yours." Mom said it all really depends on my mood at the moment--an instinct will determine whether or not I will tell him. But if he isn't responding to my current emails, then how am I supposed to tell him anyway?

 

She told me to be strong and forget about him. Raise the child on my own if I have to--he's a disease that won't be any good for the baby. She said too what a slime ball he is for continuing an affair with me, unprotected, while at home trying to conceive a child with his wife. She jokes and said he must think he's a rabbit.

 

She didn't really have an answer for me when I asked her what if he sees me and I'm pregnant--she just smiled and said, "walk away, because he didn't care to contact you now so why should you answer him then?"

 

I love and respect my mother and her opinions mean the world to me. She raised my sister and I on her own for ten years before remarrying a wonderful man. She then went on to have two more kids.

 

I know this will be Very hard, but my sister and mom have both said they will help me, and I fully believe them when they say so because they have Never let me down. My sister ended up agreeing with my mom, but also said that it really depends on how things go if and when I talk to him--I might change my mind at that instant and tell him that I am pregnant. I still am Very unsure what I want to and should do. It's hard, but I will get through it.