It's been a Bad year so far...

[NoIDidn't]

Well you've got nothing but time. That's probably why pregnancy lasts so long - to give us time to make needed decisions and adjust to what's coming.

 

Be sure that you aren't revising history concerning his level of contact. It may have nothing to do with his discarding you because he finally slept with you. It may be because of the arguing. Most MM avoid their OW when she starts being more like they claim the W is being, and they figure they already have one of them to deal with.

 

But your mom and sister are on point with agreeing to help where they can and supporting you. The baby did nothing wrong and shouldn't be penalized for his/her mother's and father's lack of preparation or indiscretions.

 

Thinking out loud right now, not really on topic, for that I apologize.

So the MM's W is not working now, and yet he felt the need to talk badly about her employment as a nail tech (if memory serves me correctly). Sounds like it was a line now because he apparently agreed that she shouldn't work at all and before at least she was making some money. Hmmmmmmm.

[whichwayisup]

--I might change my mind at that instant and tell him that I am pregnant.

I suggest right now you do a pro/con list because all that you've said so far about him, you don't want him in your life, let alone be part of the baby's life. This has to be planned, you can't just go blurt it out and not think things through...

 

I ignored him because I am still Very angry about the possibility of his wife being pregnant.

 

Whether she is or isn't, shouldn't make a difference at the end of the day. If your reasons to tell him add up and you feel good about telling him, then do it. If it's the opposite, more negative reasons, then don't. BUT - DON'T not tell him or tell him because of how you feel about his wife, or if she is pregnant.

[Gwyneth]

Well you've got nothing but time. That's probably why pregnancy lasts so long - to give us time to make needed decisions and adjust to what's coming.

 

Be sure that you aren't revising history concerning his level of contact. It may have nothing to do with his discarding you because he finally slept with you. It may be because of the arguing. Most MM avoid their OW when she starts being more like they claim the W is being, and they figure they already have one of them to deal with.

 

But your mom and sister are on point with agreeing to help where they can and supporting you. The baby did nothing wrong and shouldn't be penalized for his/her mother's and father's lack of preparation or indiscretions.

 

Thinking out loud right now, not really on topic, for that I apologize.

So the MM's W is not working now, and yet he felt the need to talk badly about her employment as a nail tech (if memory serves me correctly). Sounds like it was a line now because he apparently agreed that she shouldn't work at all and before at least she was making some money. Hmmmmmmm.

 

I think you are onto something about him not contacting me right now because we're arguing--aren't all men like that?

 

His wife claims it's slow at work so she cut her hours, then the owners of the salon are selling the place so she will have to find a new job, until she finds some excuse not to work. Not to mention she doesn't do the food shopping or the laundry either. What a princess she is! He must wipe her boobie too.

[whichwayisup]

I think you are onto something about him not contacting me right now because we're arguing--aren't all men like that?

 

But isn't that your thing with him? You two are together, then fight, ignore for a while and then get back together? For all he knows, this is just another day in your dynamtic with him and only YOU know it's over and you have no real intention of continuing with him..

[bentnotbroken]

I think you are onto something about him not contacting me right now because we're arguing--aren't all men like that?

 

His wife claims it's slow at work so she cut her hours, then the owners of the salon are selling the place so she will have to find a new job, until she finds some excuse not to work. Not to mention she doesn't do the food shopping or the laundry either. What a princess she is! He must wipe her boobie too.

 

 

Gwen, those thoughts aren't going to do you or your baby any good. Leave it alone. Concentrate on you. She is rowing the same boat as you, dealing with a ball less wonder. Stay focused on your child, not her or how you think she is treated. Do what is good for you.

[Gwyneth]

I know I know, BNT.

 

And yes, whichwayisup, this is our "thing," but I guess it "was" out "thing," and is now in the past. I have bigger things to worry about now. When he and I are on the outs, I become very stressed--I can't be in a stressed phase right now being pregnant and all.

[whichwayisup]

Then do yourself a favour and make sure NOW he knows it's over and you want nothing to do with him. Does he know that it's over or does he think you two are just having a nap in the cat/mouse game, a break from it? For all he knows it's on hold. Or, did you have the Dear John talk with him, and ask him to never contact you again? End it properly then you won't be stressed out.

 

I agree with bnb, forget about what he does or doesn't do with his wife. Hating her is only going to fill your heart up with hate and resentment. Who cares what they do together....If you don't want him in your life, then do all that necessary to stop those thoughts about her, let alone him, that will get you nowhere excepet just piss you off. It's out of your control anyway. You know he's a liar and honestly, you don't know for sure what goes on behind closed doors between the two of them, so don't guess.

[Gwyneth]

He doesn't know, know. I said to him the previous weekend that if his wife is pregnant, then it's absolutely over between he and I, no if, ands, or buts. He said he knows that, but I doubt he would just Stop the cheating. If it's not with me, it will be with some other woman.

[whichwayisup]

Gwen, don't base your decision on whether or not his wife is pregnant. IF IT IS really over for you, then tell him goodbye and go no contact. Anything less than that, he'll think game on!

[norajane]

He doesn't know, know. I said to him the previous weekend that if his wife is pregnant, then it's absolutely over between he and I, no if, ands, or buts.

 

What difference does it make if she's already pregnant or if they're still trying to get pregnant? It's just a matter of time, right? He's still the same waste of space playing the same game whether she's actually already pregnant or soon to be.

 

What is your resistance to just ending it, period?

[whichwayisup]

What is your resistance to just ending it, period?

 

So, if he tells you "No she decided she doesn't want to get pregnant now, so that's on hold" will that bit of info (if it's true) change your mind on whether to keep him or end it?

 

If you hate him now as much as you feel you do, then talk to him one last time. End it, do NC forever.

[Owl]

OK I'm going to be the dissenting voice yet again ...

 

If Gwyn - who has the information and is best placed to make a call on whether MM would be good for her child as a father or not - wants to make it work, the possibility is there for her to do so. If Gwyn is happy to answer to her child in the years to come when she's asked, "who's my daddy?", that's her call. She's the one who'll be there, not us.

 

Darn it, Owoman!!! Will you quit agreeing with me already??? People are gonna start talking!!! :D :D

[Gwyneth]

As far as I am concerned, it's over. Right now I am pregnant with his child and he's not replying to any of my emails, so I had stopped emailing him. He knows what happened the day we conceived--I believe he was there too () and if he's just THAT stupid () and doesn't even give a flying duck to at least call and say hey what's up, then F him! It's not just about me now, it's about the baby growing inside of me too (and mostly about the baby and not about me). I now want to put the baby first in front of my needs. I don't care about the baby he and his wife might be expecting--I can only be concerned with my baby.

 

So as far as I am concerned, it's NC. I am still unsure whether or not I will tell him and I figure take it day by day--maybe I'll tell him, maybe not. All depends on my mood.

[StillSame]

I talked to my mom today, and here is what she said:

 

She first asked how many times he has called me since we last had sex, or how many times has he even tried to contact me--the answer is Hardly at all.

 

I am disturbed by how not-shocked your mom was. Most moms would be very shocked, dissapointed, hurt, and ashamed that her daughter got pregnant with a married man.

 

As far as I am concerned, it's over. Right now I am pregnant with his child and he's not replying to any of my emails, so I had stopped emailing him.

 

What were you thinking when you... never mind.

[Gwyneth]

Oh, she's not all that thrilled that I was seeing and now am pregnant with a MM's baby, but she isn't about to lecture me on how to live my life. She is just supporting me which is the only thing she can do now. What good would it be for her to turn her back on me?

 

Also, she kind of knew about he and I anyway, and although she was't thrilled about the affair, she still didn't lecture me. She just said, once, "Can't you find someone that's single?" I never went into details with her, I mean, she's my mom.

[StillSame]

Also, she kind of knew about he and I anyway, and although she was't thrilled about the affair, she still didn't lecture me. She just said, once, "Can't you find someone that's single?"

 

That's bad "parenting" and even if you're too old to be "parented," she still should have done so much more. She just casually say that?

[Ms. Red]

Parents who have years of history with their children know how to support them even if they don't believe in what they're doing. They learn that they cannot tell their grown children how to behave.

 

Lectures & bitching them out just pushes them away sometimes. My parents realized this & rather than push me away, they supported me in my decisions even if it went against their morals & beliefs. I had to learn from my decisions be them right or wrong in the end.

 

It's your opinion that it is "bad parenting" based on knowing NOTHING about Gwyn & her mothers relationship.

[whichwayisup]

maybe I'll tell him, maybe not. All depends on my mood.

 

Please don't handle it that way.

[Gwyneth]

That's bad "parenting" and even if you're too old to be "parented," she still should have done so much more. She just casually say that?

 

Read what Ms. Red said--maybe she can teach you a thing or two about parenting adult children.

 

My mom learned that censoring will only push children away and make them rebel. She never practised this strategy with my sister and I. She is not opinionated but yet sophisticated in that she has this intelligent way of letting us know that what we are doing is wrong. It's hard to explain, but I know my mother Very well, and well enough to know her strategies are Not considered bad parenting.

 

Even parents whose children are doing drugs and killing others doesn't necessarily lable them as "bad parents." Every individual has to use judgement and are taught judgement by their parents--they either catch on and act on it, or they base their judgements on society. In my case, judgement is based on society. It's so Freakin' common around her to hop into bed with someone else's spouse. I'm not saying I'm a follower, but what I am doing is not so uncommon, nor a result of bad parenting on my mother's part.

[Lyssa]

Telling someone's mother ways of supporting and helping out a daughter is "bad parenting" is totally uncalled for.

[OWoman]

I am disturbed by how not-shocked your mom was. Most moms would be very shocked, dissapointed, hurt, and ashamed that her daughter got pregnant with a married man.

 

That's bad "parenting" and even if you're too old to be "parented," she still should have done so much more. She just casually say that?

 

 

Wow these are weird ideas about what constitutes good or bad parenting!

 

The fact that Gwyn and her mother have an open enough relationship where Gwyn can discuss this kind of thing with her shows it's a good, healthy, strong relationship, and the fact that Gwyn values her advice and insight and was prepared to shape her own behaviour according to what her mother advised shows that Gwyn values it too.

 

Standing in judgment of an adult offspring's behaviour in this kind of situation would achieve nothing other than closing down the potential for communication between parent and child, and possibly isolating the mother from her coming grandchild, depriving the daughter of support during a difficult time and adding nothing new to the conversation that hasn't been said to tedium already. Not constructive parenting, IMO.

 

If I was faced with a daughter who shared news like that with me, I'd hope my response would be more like Gwyn's mother and less like StillSame, for the sake of my daughter and grandchild and ultimately my own future role in their lives.

[Lyssa]

The fact that Gwyn and her mother have an open enough relationship where Gwyn can discuss this kind of thing with her shows it's a good, healthy, strong relationship, and the fact that Gwyn values her advice and insight and was prepared to shape her own behaviour according to what her mother advised shows that Gwyn values it too.

 

I am so glad that I had the opportunity to share so many things with my late mother! I can't imagine keeping anything from her. The thing is, my mother would tell me if it's wrong or right but will leave it to me to decide.

[Marielle]

That's bad "parenting" and even if you're too old to be "parented," she still should have done so much more. She just casually say that?

 

See? This is why I am not on here anymore, because this kind of mentality?!

SHe's now judging and giving her lectures about her mom! omg

[Owl]

Standing in judgment of an adult offspring's behaviour in this kind of situation would achieve nothing other than closing down the potential for communication between parent and child, and possibly isolating the mother from her coming grandchild, depriving the daughter of support during a difficult time and adding nothing new to the conversation that hasn't been said to tedium already. Not constructive parenting, IMO.

 

I want to ask...how many of you that say that this is bad parenting of adult offspring actually HAVE adult offspring?

 

I do.

 

And I've actually been faced with a similar situation very recently. My oldest son had been dating a girl for three years. It wasn't a good match, and it was a very unequal relationship (she ran roughshod over him). He ended up finally breaking off with her (which his mom and I thought was good)...but the reason he did was because he had started seeing someone else.

 

Someone else who was already in a committed relationship with SOMEONE ELSE.

 

He was 17 when he saw his mom and I go through her EA. He knew full well how we felt on the whole subject.

 

He and I went on a LOT of long dog walks together through all of this. That's when he'd get his "Dad advice". I know this may come as a shock to some of ya'll, but my kids know that I won't pull any punches when it comes down to it. I'll tell them how it is...point blank, up front...no doubt in your mind. ( I know, its really hard to picture me doing that...you'll just have to accept it! )

 

I told him point blank what I thought of the whole situation. I could understand what he was feeling...but that didn't excuse his actions.

 

 

I'm sorry...but to me, NOT telling your kids "how it is"...ESPECIALLY when they're adults...is the bad parenting part. If I don't approve of something my kids are doing, I'll tell them up front and point blank about it.

 

Interestingly enough, I have a GREAT relationship with my kids.

 

No one is too old to learn from others. ESPECIALLY not from their parents.

[Gwyneth]

Maybe this is the difference between a mother and a father. Some were right when they said that pushing judgement onto your child no matter how old they are may be risky because you risk the chance of isolating the child--pushing them a way.

 

What was my mother suppose to do? Smack me, chase me with the wooden spoon like she did when I was a child, and punish me?

 

Being a supportive parent qualifies as "Bad Parenting?"

 

We're talking about a pregnancy here, not about me dating the married man--that is a whole nother topic. Should her advice be to terminate my pregnancy because it's a MM's child?

 

I don't get where some of the logic is here.

 

Owl, your son's situation and my situation are completely different situations--he can easily get out of his R with the committed woman, but my mother cannot expect me to get out of this pregnancy, because what's done is done, and a pregnancy is much more complicated to get out of.