It's been a Bad year so far...

[OWoman]

I want to ask...how many of you that say that this is bad parenting of adult offspring actually HAVE adult offspring?

 

I have kids in college. I've always encouraged them to make their own decisions, as best they can on the information they have, mindful of the consequences.

 

Have they made bad choices? No. Have they made choices I didn't agree with? Yes, at times. But they've made them after a lot of consideration and reflection and weighing up of consequences, and although the choices may not have reflected MY priorities or preferred best outcomes, the did reflect theirs and things have turned out for the best, all told. Their lives are theirs to live, and while my opinions are freely given (if invited - though they pretty much know what they'll be in advance so hardly have to ask!) my support for them aspires to be constructive and forward looking rather than mired in my own fears and prejudices.

[Ms. Red]

My parents definitely made it clear of what their morals & beliefs were. But they also knew how to show their disappointment without pushing me away when I did something that went against their beliefs. I still maintain after 20 years that the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was tell my parents (my Dad more so, since he's a minister) @ that age of 19 that I was moving out to live with my boyfriend.

 

My Dad, was angry & told me that I didn't have his blessings. But, he didn't lecture me & go on & on about how wrong it was. I had made my decision & I stood by it. He & Mom let their feelings known & then dropped it. If they had blown up & lectured me, I probably would have withdrawn contact with them when I left.

 

As Gwyn stated, her mother showed her disappointment of her being involved with a MM. But if she had blown up & lectured or nagged her endlessly, I don't think she would know about the pregnancy now. Gwyn would be reluctant to share it with her mother & seek her advice on the matter.

 

That's great Owl, that you are able to continually express to your children when they are going against your beliefs & not push them away. But to call someone a "bad parent" because they don't do it your way is again, your opinion based on knowing nothing about Gwyn & her mothers relationship. Gwyn doesn't need to put down every little detail of her conversations with her mother. And sometimes, a parent can express their feelings in their eyes without words. We just don't know what went on between them & it's not our place to judge them without knowing.

[bentnotbroken]

I also have an adult child. And I have tried to give him a basis for the life, along with his sister. I have made views of morals and values very clear, as well as the expectations that I have of him. He is still a person who has to make decisions for himself and learn from the consequences. I love him even when he doesn't handle things the way I think or want him to. I will always support him, even in my disappointment. That is what good parenting really is. I won't turn my back on him when he does something that I dissaprove of. Gwen's mom did what a mother should do, support her child whether she agree with her or not. She has already raised Gwen, now her role has changed, to supporter.

[nadiaj2727]

 

I told him point blank what I thought of the whole situation. I could understand what he was feeling...but that didn't excuse his actions.

 

 

I'm sorry...but to me, NOT telling your kids "how it is"...ESPECIALLY when they're adults...is the bad parenting part. If I don't approve of something my kids are doing, I'll tell them up front and point blank about it.

 

Interestingly enough, I have a GREAT relationship with my kids.

 

No one is too old to learn from others. ESPECIALLY not from their parents.

 

I completely agree with you Owl. I think there are way too many adults who never grew up, partly because their parents were too afraid to be adults themselves and instead always want to be their kids' best friends or confidants, and hold their hand while they continue to make the wrong decisions. This is just my two cents on society in general and not on anyone in particular. But I see it as a repetitive cycle... the parent holds the adult kids' hand and is too afraid to tell them that they should be growing up and using common sense (or the parents themselves don't KNOW common sense or aren't grown up themselves)... and that adult does that to their kids until they're adults, etc. IMO more parents need to say "There is a bad decision to be making here, and there is a good decision to be making here-- one that will bring you happiness and one that will bring you sorrow, and I care about you, so I feel compelled to tell you that you are making a bad decision, even though of course I love you no matter what, I hate to see you do something dangerous to yourself and others." Instead of saying "It's okay honey, whatever mess you get into, I'll be here to bail you out and I'm too chickencrap to tell you I think you are making a bad decision, because I need your approvel" or whatever.

 

I am not a parent of adult children or any children, but I am an adult child of parents who "support" me by always giving me tough love and well-needed advice and guidance. I am shocked by the idea of telling my parents "I'm involved with a married man" and having them say "oh okay no big deal." Wow that would just not have happened with my parents, and I am glad because I may have continued having the dreadful dramatic affair that made me miserable. When I was OW I was too ashamed to tell my parents I was involved with a married man because I knew they would say, "What are you doing? This is not how we raised you." (And they would be darn right.) I also couldn't continue in the affair because I knew they wouldn't approve, and their TRUE support (i.e., knowing that I a making smart decisions, and telling me when they think I'm headed down a dangerous path) is too important to me to continue doing something I was too ashamed to tell them I was doing.

 

That's just my take on the parenting situation -- I understand why stillsame was shocked by parents in general who would "support" their children having an affair, as that's just not how I personally was raised and I would be shocked if my parents themselves had had that reaction. I know everyone is raised differently, and that influences our perspectives.

[nadiaj2727]

I guess it all depends on each person's definition of "support." I don't want those who care about me -- my parents, my sister, etc. to support me by saying "whatever you do, that's cool, I'm here to talk about it but not give any opinion if I think you're doing something crazy or self-destructive." I appreciate their feedback and advice from their position as people who care about me but have a more objective perspective.

 

When I said to my sister, "I'm dating a married man" and she said, "I'm afraid you might get hurt," I listened closely. There would never be any advice my sister could give me that would push me away from her, because I know she loves me and she cares about me and she wants me to be happy. So to me, her "support" doesn't mean just saying "go do what you want with your life, have fun" it's also thinking about the situation and telling me her opinion on it based on how much she loves me. I think good parenting of adult children should be the same way. Because if we have a good support system of family and good friends, we aren't in this world alone, trying to figure things out all on our own. We have other people looking out for us, to say "hey, are you sure this is right for you? I'm just asking because I care about you."

[Gwyneth]

I don't think anyone here said their parents approve of them dating a married person. I certainly didn't say that, and I don't recall anyone else saying that on here.

 

My mom is supporting my pregnancy, not the fact that it's by a married man whom I was having an affair with--that's a whole nother topic her and I really don't get into. I hardly told her anything about him because as soon as I mentioned the idea to her over the summer, she gave me this look of disbelief and that's when I knew that I wasn't going to get any kind of support to her.

 

Right now I am in a bad situation and it would be reckless of her to walk away and turn her back on me at this time. Over an affair with a married man, yes, but a pregnancy, no, because she knows very well that right now I need her more than ever.

 

My mother and sister are supporting me because they know I'm in a bad situation, and who doesn't support a pregnant woman anyway? It would be wrong of them to not support me, and I'm sure they have their own ideologies about the mess I have put myself into, but there are times when you lecture, and there are times when you don't. I think most of us on here agree that right now wouldn't be the time for my mother and sister to give me a lecture on the wrongs I made--I'm pregnant and that's all that matters right now.

[whichwayisup]

Yes it would be wrong of your family to shun you over your choices. They may not agree with how it happen and why it happened, but these are the cards you've been dealt with, so ofcourse they have no choice but to support you and make your pregnancy a happy and healthy one.

[Gwyneth]

Right.

 

Have any of you ever watched Gossip Girl? My mom is just like Lilly (Kelly Rutherford), who is Sabrina's mom. Imagine having to deal with her kind and telling her you're pregnant with a MM's baby--ouch, right? My mom's a brunette though

[whichwayisup]

I don't know that show. I take it that means your mom gossips and her having to bite her tongue is killing her? Well, it isn't her right to discuss this with anyone, it's your life. If someone asks what's going on and your mom feels the need to say something, she can tell that person, My daughter's life is private and it's not up to me to discuss it with you, but if you want, go ask her. That will shut people up pretty quickly.

[Gwyneth]

Oh no no no, that's not what I mean. I just mean that she's got this tough loving attitude, but is also sensible and caring. And even though I've created this mess, she is still there to support me. You know, she can lecture me all she wants, but in the end, she'd still be there for me. I was just giving an example of what my mom is like; the woman's character reminds me of my mom so much.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know the show at all, but I obviously assumed the worst and misunderstood what this meant:

 

My mom is just like Lilly (Kelly Rutherford), who is Sabrina's mom. Imagine having to deal with her kind and telling her you're pregnant with a MM's baby--ouch, right?

 

Just look after yourself and stay away from MM. Don't go off telling him when you get a mood change. If you feel an urge coming on, post here or call your family.

[White Flower]

I don't think anyone here said their parents approve of them dating a married person. I certainly didn't say that, and I don't recall anyone else saying that on here.

 

My mom is supporting my pregnancy, not the fact that it's by a married man whom I was having an affair with--that's a whole nother topic her and I really don't get into. I hardly told her anything about him because as soon as I mentioned the idea to her over the summer, she gave me this look of disbelief and that's when I knew that I wasn't going to get any kind of support to her.

 

Right now I am in a bad situation and it would be reckless of her to walk away and turn her back on me at this time. Over an affair with a married man, yes, but a pregnancy, no, because she knows very well that right now I need her more than ever.

 

My mother and sister are supporting me because they know I'm in a bad situation, and who doesn't support a pregnant woman anyway? It would be wrong of them to not support me, and I'm sure they have their own ideologies about the mess I have put myself into, but there are times when you lecture, and there are times when you don't. I think most of us on here agree that right now wouldn't be the time for my mother and sister to give me a lecture on the wrongs I made--I'm pregnant and that's all that matters right now.

 

Gwyneth, I'm sure your mom knows you'll have the rest of your life to beat yourself up over this. Sometimes the lesson is in the daily life one lives and not from a lecture. Take care of yourself and don't allow too much stress into your life. If that means taking a break from LS then so be it. You can PM anyone who you think will bring kind words to you including me. Right now that baby needs you to be comfortable and healthy. If the flamers bother you, don't reply. Think about the baby, hon.

[akrowergirl]

I have a 12 year old daughter that was th eproduct of a one night stand with my married boss years ago. I told him about her and he freaked and insisted I have an abortion. I told him I would not. I told him that he could choose wether or not to tell his wife and kids. He chose not to. I told him my child would always know who her father was and he would have to deal with it when she came looking for him later. I moved to my home town. My daughter knows about him and his family. I don't know what she will choose some day -

My point is that it isn't just the pregnancy but the entire concept of another human beings life - you need to think about what you will tell the child.

[Gwyneth]

I have been thinking very hard. I just know he will disappoint this child, and that much I don't want for him or her. He's unstable nad can barely take care of himself. It's a bas situation and I'm tossed between telling him and not telling him, but more than likely I will.

[Owl]

Whether you tell him or not doesn't matter to me at all.

 

But I AM curious...WHY are you now considering telling him? What's your reason(s) behind it? What are you expecting to happen as a result?

[nadiaj2727]

I don't think anyone here said their parents approve of them dating a married person. I certainly didn't say that, and I don't recall anyone else saying that on here.

 

My mom is supporting my pregnancy, not the fact that it's by a married man whom I was having an affair with--that's a whole nother topic her and I really don't get into. I hardly told her anything about him because as soon as I mentioned the idea to her over the summer, she gave me this look of disbelief and that's when I knew that I wasn't going to get any kind of support to her.

 

Right now I am in a bad situation and it would be reckless of her to walk away and turn her back on me at this time. Over an affair with a married man, yes, but a pregnancy, no, because she knows very well that right now I need her more than ever.

 

My mother and sister are supporting me because they know I'm in a bad situation, and who doesn't support a pregnant woman anyway? It would be wrong of them to not support me, and I'm sure they have their own ideologies about the mess I have put myself into, but there are times when you lecture, and there are times when you don't. I think most of us on here agree that right now wouldn't be the time for my mother and sister to give me a lecture on the wrongs I made--I'm pregnant and that's all that matters right now.

 

I didn't say that some parents approve of their children dating married people, I said that some parents are afraid to give solid advice to their children because they are afraid their children won't want to be their "friends" anymore. Anyway I didn't mean that about your mom, I was just joining the discussion about parenting of adult children and in particular responding to Owl's post about how parents should "parent" their adult children. I quoted his post because I agreed with him. I did not mean my response to him about you or your mom in particular and I specifically stated:

 

This is just my two cents on society in general and not on anyone in particular.

 

So I apologize if you still thought I was talking about you and your mom, I really wasn't, I was just joining in on the parenting discussion because I found it interesting. I would not say anything skeptical about you in particular because I know you don't like me, you don't want to hear my opinion and you are pregnant and don't need added stress from me or anyone else. That's fine, I was just adding my two cents about parenting and apparently I was "flaming" you in the process -- my apologies for that.

 

I'm glad you and your mom have a good relationship and I wasn't trying to "flame" you. I am sorry if you took it that way, I don't know why everything I say that isn't "yay, keep having affairs, people, I can totally understand why you need to stay in them!" (and again I don't mean this as aimed at you, just in general) is taken to be a "flame." I was just talking about parent/ child relationships in general. Okay. I hope I have stressed enough that those comments were not about you -- I obviously do not know you and your mom's relationship enough to comment either way, so I wasn't.

 

I agree with you that you need your mom and your sister to support you with your pregnancy, and I'm glad they are. Believe me if I were pregnant -- no matter what reason or by whom -- I would want and need the same. Of course I don't think your mother or sister (or any family member, in general) should turn their back on you. I think this was a really well-put post and I don't disagree with you at all. If I sounded like I was saying your family members should turn their backs on you, I'm sorry, because that is not at all what I meant. I will keep my views on child-rearing out of your thread and just say I am really glad you have a good support system, so that there is no confusion about what I'm saying generally versus specifically.

[Gwyneth]

Whether you tell him or not doesn't matter to me at all.

 

But I AM curious...WHY are you now considering telling him? What's your reason(s) behind it? What are you expecting to happen as a result?

 

I've been uncertain what I will do. As of now, I haven't heard from him in quite a while. Add that to being Angry with him and my first thought is, "Don't tell the *erk." My mom said that right now I am acting on my anger and now on reality, and because he isn't returning my emails or calls, that is angering me, and add that to intense hormones and bingo, I don't want to tell him. Mom said to relax and take each day one step at a time.

[bentnotbroken]

I've been uncertain what I will do. As of now, I haven't heard from him in quite a while. Add that to being Angry with him and my first thought is, "Don't tell the *erk." My mom said that right now I am acting on my anger and now on reality, and because he isn't returning my emails or calls, that is angering me, and add that to intense hormones and bingo, I don't want to tell him. Mom said to relax and take each day one step at a time.

 

 

Your mom is right. It is the same advice I would give my child.

[not_clever]

Hi gwyneth just wondered how you were getting on? I was in the same situation as you. My daughter is 3 months old now.

[Gwyneth]

Hi gwyneth just wondered how you were getting on? I was in the same situation as you. My daughter is 3 months old now.

 

I'm feeling fabulous! Thank you for asking. Can you share with us (or me) your story, and any great advice? I'm just taking it day by day. Still NC with MM--maybe he's dead, one only knows. He hasn't been at work and isn't responding to any of my emails. I gave up trying; I have better things to do!

 

Gwyn

[Owl]

Maybe his wife found out and is dealing with his sorry tuckus!

[Gwyneth]

I think he would have told me, or she would have called me--again. She knows, she's just in Major denial that her husband is a cheat. She needs him for financial resources and instead of improving her marriage, she tries to get pregnant. I don't understand some women and why they feel that a baby is a solution to a bad marriage.

[Owl]

That's ok...I don't get why some feel that cheating is a solution either. Regardless, what his status is doesn't matter, as long as part of that status is that he's not YOUR problem any longer.

 

Hang in there.

[Gwyneth]

Thank you. I am hangin' in there! My status = Content

[NoIDidn't]

Well, the other thread was closed, so I will be brief.

 

I hope Gwen is resting and not letting strangers on the internet distress her. I hope her sister is looking into her previous posts before accusing others wrongfully.

 

The situation isn't a good one. Rest, think before acting/posting/speaking/emailing or whatever, and be safe.